The scene opens to Luca and Katrina sitting on a random stretch of sidewalk in an unidentifiable part of LA. Why do they pick such weird places to record things at? As your humble narrator, I can tell you that Luca's standing dead center in the shot. His eyes level with the lens.

"So, let me get this straight. Crimson Cobra actually tried to trash talk me? I've listened to the tape a good twelve times, and each time is funnier than the last! I mean, did he actually think any of what he was saying was worth hearing, or even worse, did he think that anything he said was actually good? If so, fuck man, I can't even make fun of that. If he thinks anything he said was good at all, he should be in a mental institution, stat."

Chuckling, Luca places his hand to block the camera lens for a second.

"Wait a minute, I can make fun of it! And I will! However please, give me a moment to regain my composure. I did listen to it again before I turned the camera on."

Luca begins to laugh hysterically, going so far as to drop to his knees and pound the ground. Looking over at the weird predicament, Katrina can't help but laugh too. After about 15 seconds, he finally stops and gets about as serious as you're ever going to see Luca get on camera.

"So much shit, so little time. Where to fucking start? Maybe with how useless it seems for you to go on an epic adventure to find your friend and fellow paperweight tag team champion Knightmask when you have such an opportunity waiting for you on Shove it. After all, I don't want you to coast by and claim that you weren't ready when I beat you."

Luca picks up the Wild Card briefcase that was so conveniently laying on the ground.

"You see Cobra, this is your chance to prove you aren't the weak link sidekick bitch that everyone already thinks you are. However, you could just go on a quest to find your friend who already got his own singles title shot after you guys won the tag titles. It seems like he's doing just fine without you, I doubt he needs his bag carrying lackey rescuing him. Hell, getting rescued by Crimson Cobra may be an increasing common factor in those who commit suicide if you indeed get into that business.

So yeah, saving Knightmask just proves how lost you are without him, which is exactly what you'll be during this match. The odds really don't look good for you, do they? Oh, and I'm just getting warmed up."

Luca cracks his knuckles loudly. Resting the briefcase on the ground next to his 24/7 briefcase, he goes back to the camera.

"Crimson Deadly's dead, Dakota. No need to bring him up at all. No seriously, I guess it's fitting that the only guy besides me to remember him is the one who used to be his minion, but that's beside the point.

I can tell you exactly what's happening to you. You're angry because I've taken your pride faster than a man with a knife cornering a woman in an alley."

Luca waits approximately 12 seconds before continuing.

"Everyone with half a brain has now gotten that joke, time to go on. You can't focus on anything for more than five seconds because you're too busy searching so far deep into yourself to find the courage to face me in the ring. You call this match pointless in an attempt to psych yourself up for your inevitable defeat, which would be true.

This match is utterly pointless, because my opponents are pointless. Charlotte just doesn't have it him anymore, but that's implying he ever did have it in him. And then there's you Cobra. Where does that leave you?

Oh yeah! Chewed up and spit out, left in the center of the ring in a puddle of your own blood at the hands of the man who as you put it 'can't keep the cocaine out of his nose for two seconds', and then how will you feel?

You see, do you all see?

I've already won. I've broken Cobra to the point of no repair. His best hope now is to just not even come to Shove it, because we all know what the outcome will be if he does. He'll just get broken physically, something he can't stand to have happen to him if he's to face Heyman, because even he could beat you in the condition I'm going to leave you in.

Seriously, who lets these charisma vacuums speak? I can feel myself nod off whenever I hear Cobra go on a spiel about fucking my dead ex-fiance. Necrophiliaize some more, will ya? I get no interest about hearing someone like Hunter Payne talk about his life as if anyone cared. I don't think I've ever heard anything clever come out of the third best alien thing on the roster, Mr. Radio's mouth, and he's supposed to be better than any human!

They all have nothing interesting to say.

So maybe they should shut the fuck up.

You guys are just like the indy guys who cover a lack of anything worth getting invested in by doing a bunch of moves for no reason.

Do some more flips!"

END TRANSMISSION.