So, instead of talking about what I'm supposed to be talking about which is "tug of war". I'm going to take a quick pause and inform Mr. not main event, even though he's the only title on the line, Centurion. That he’s a dead beat dad on top of being a boring fuck. Okay, brass tax.

I have with me Dan McKim and he’s going to give me some pointers on Tug of war.

I hate to break it to you Thunder Knuckles but this is truly a team game, without a team your not going to perform well.

Damn, Dan McKim, you have no faith.

Just being a realist. If everyone shows up you want your strongest person in the back. You want your second strongest person upfront.

Key is you have to keep your arms and body almost straight as you lean back with your upper body. The trick is planting your feet into the ground, using both of your legs as anchors. Also, keep your feet positioned a little wider than shoulder-width apart. If your team shows up have them positioned with their arms gripping the rope from both sides for a better pull.

If Calvary shows up I'm not worried. He’s Superman! I’m bringing a Kryptonite detector, so no one sneaks any of that shit in.

Don't waste your time pulling with your arms, pull with your legs. Make sure your teammates know that. Another thing is to work as a team! Pull together and get a coach to encourage you on and when to pull.

I think I know just the person!


Jimmy walks up to Dan McKim smiling.


No, not him.


Jimmy puts his head down disappointed and walks away.


Someone who will take the other team off their game. Someone who can make Boris believe in the western world. Someone who can leave Peter Fucking Gilmour’s “super dick” standing up straight to cause him not to think about pulling the rope. Aphrodite incarnate Miss Atara Themis!


Thunder Knuckles pulls out his phone and dials Atara Themis.


Hello, Dove.

Hey, Atara I was wondering. Do you want to coach “Team Thunder Knuckles” for the tug of war?

You guys named your team?

No, I did, but lucky for us, no one fact checks this shit so we’re good. Basically, all you have to do is tell us when to pull and use your shockingly good looks to distract our competition. Shouldn’t be too hard, what do you say?

Sure thing, Dove.

Alright, thanks a lot Atara! I have to go I'm running out of time with Dan McKim. I’ll talk to you soon I’m sure.


Thunder Knuckles hangs up the phone.


Dan McKim, I’d like to personally thank you for coming and showing me how to do the Highland games. Also, for correcting some of the mistakes and setting me on the proper path to maximize my xbux on Wednesday night Warfare.

The pleasure has been all mine. Good Luck in 2020 Thunder Knuckles!