A faint, unassuming jingle fades in to our earshot, as the letters ‘XWCN’ adorn the screen, in some morose generic fashion. Like any old newscast, they have made every effort to look important and attention grabbing, but wind up looking like every other slice of over-exuberant TV production that airs at 2200 every night, as well as with hourly bulletins! There’s even an XWCN TV channel that’s on 24 hours a day for those people who live their lives vicariously through the news.
As the logo fades out, an equally over the top studio is revealed, replete with a reporters desk that takes up the whole of the foreground, and a cityscape behind it like we were watching Letterman. At the desk sits a bespectacled Neonero, and by the power of green screen, next to him sits...well, what looks like Nero in drag. He’s got a coiffed hairstyle, a perky chest and pink fingernails, just dull enough so as not to be offensively pink.
Dan the Anchor: Hello and welcome to XWCN news, Yes we say news twice despite it being in the logo because we’re just that important. The time is 2200, the date is unimportant, and the news is muchly interesting.
Sharon the co-Anchor: Thank you Dan,
Dan: - No problem Sharon
Sharon: Welcome indeed to XWCN news, your only source of RELIABL(OL)E news in the world of the XWF.
Dan: - Aint that the truth, I don’t know if you caught the latest Bane Williams promo, Sharon, but it was a doozy.
Sharon: In the sense that it didn’t exist, you mean.
Dan: - Oh, you saw through my charade.
Sharon: Well Dan, everyone sees through Bane Williams. He may be big as a house, but he’s also as transparent as he is credible.
Dan: - Are you suggesting he’s the invisible man?
Sharon: Quite possibly Dan. But shall we get to the news or shall we just mock Bane Williams?
Dan: - A bit of news, I think. I’ve a hankering for some truth medicine.
Sharon: Indeed Dan, as is the nation. So let’s drop this bad flirting and move on shall we?
Sharon adjusts her chesticles, as one has dropped and they look slightly lopsided. Momentarily a chicken fillet falls out of her blouse, and she looks awfully embarrassed as she reapplies the cleavage enhancing toy that has fooled a million men into ignoring ugly women’s faces. This weekend alone.
Sharon: Do you think that was caught on camera?
Dan: - Don’t worry Sharon, the camera was where it should’ve been, upon myself.
Sharon shrugs and moves on with her job as if nothing had just happened. We marvel for a moment at the fact we are watching Nero in drag playing with chicken fillets. No, literally. He didn’t buy breast enhancers. He bought chicken fillets. His chest must be rather clammy right now. Out of shot a small kitten is being restrained as it rails to reach Nero’s chest and partake of it with his little pussycat mouth.
Sharon: First up on the agenda, Mark Flynn! We pass first to our Action Replay department, where I believe our good friend Vince is waiting for us.
A rather sketchy feed switches to correspondent Vince, who seems to be glitching into different clothes with each breath he takes.
Vince: Here’s the replay guys.
Quote: Flynn clocks Neonero with brass knuckles. He rolls out to ringside as Nero lies in the ring unconscious. Flynn smacks JR out of his chair with a right hand and drags his seat into the ring.
Jim Ross: "You bastard!"
He stands over Nero who desperately tries to slip out of the ring. But Flynn stalks him, constantly stepping between him and his exit. Like a kid tormenting an ant hill.
Finally, Flynn raises the chair... Unfolds it and takes a seat. Nero, head resting on the bottom turnbuckle, watches Flynn. Flynn brings up the fact that he has a title shot on any belt he wants saved up from beating Sarah St. James on 12/22 Impact. He wants to cash in on the Tag Titles soon... And he wants Nero as his tag partner when that happens...
Before Nero can respond, before Flynn even asks a question, Flynn rolls out of the ring again. Leaving Nero just as confused as the audience. What the Hell is Flynn aiming for with this plan...
Post replay, we return to the studio, where perky Sharon beams. The camera seems to just be on her now, though the sound of papers sifting around in the background reminds us that Dan is probably still there, then we realise this is green screen trickery, and our brains backfire a little in confusion.
Sharon: Well folks, Mark Flynn sure left us scratching our heads. Not only did he attack his own partner, but he also then made a proposal - no not in marriage, silly chickens – which shook the XWF to its core. Mark Flynn wants to team with Neonero once more, but this time for the tag team titles. Titles held by none other than Knightmask, who Nero faces this week, and Crimson Cobra, who is Monday Madness’ regular yo-yo guy. One minute he’s doing great, the next he’s jobbing harder than mark Flynn in his downward spiral. But the question is, what does Neonero make of this ‘indecent proposal’? Will he let Flynn sleep with his – oops, wrong Indecent Proposal.
Perky Sharon shuffles her woman hips a little. Male viewers start imagining what those hips look like and consequently fall into a deep state of confusion.
Sharon: The tag team has been successful on three occasions, though with differing reasons. During Lethal Lottery, the team were put together, however Mark Flynn was eliminated thanks to an act of depravity from the now defunct teeth of Blair Sully. Nero would progress then without Flynn. Against Hatcher and Madison, who is now XWF’s resident ‘look what I done you cant see me lulz’ superstar, the team were successful but far from bonded. And then, this last week, Nero basically goofed off and let Flynn win the match, with Nero even bumping for Bane Williams, in what fans called ‘the funniest thing in the ring since HBK and Hulk Hogan’.
The screen now splits into two.
Sharon: Ah, I see we can now hook up – ooh err, I mean link up with Neonero via video linkup.
Nero appears on the screen, in his normal (normal by his standards) clothes, shiny epaulets and bejewelled mask. No, not the computer game. Get your heads out of your tablets. Sweet Jehova.
Sharon: Nero, welcome to XWCN news.
Neonero: Thanks for having me Sharon, love the top.
Sharon: Thanks, its...
Sharon is responding but Nero answers an unasked question, as if his interview were pre-recorded – but surely not.
Neonero: - good question, Sharon. A little to the left today.
Sharon: I see, and are you groomed?
Neonero: Not a question for this forum, Sharon.
Sharon: Quite right. In that case, let me move on to...
Neonero: - Ah yes, I remember Gilmo too, my we miss that poor buffoon.
Sharon: Who’s your pick for the 2013/14 Premier League?
Neonero: United of course. Kagawa is going to have a blinding season, mark my words.
Sharon: With that out of the way, let’s move to more relevant topics. Mark Flynn’s entrance music is Eleanor Rigby. Rather an unusual choice, when compared to the kaleidoscope of bad rock songs we’re used to seeing as entrance music. My question to you is this: What’s your favourite Beatles album?
Neonero: I’d have to say...The Best of the Beatles.
Sharon: Great response there, Alan. Err, Neonero.
Neonero: Nero’s fine, let’s not waste people’s time with extra syllables.
Sharon: As you will sir. My next question regards the superhero, comic book etcetera craze that’s going around right now. Off the top of my feminine head I could list Spiderman, X Men, Hulk, Ironman, Avengers, Spirit, Sin City, Thor, Captain America, batman, Superman and probably others. So many films, and the genre is showing no sign of abate.
Neonero: A great shame.
Sharon: Why so, sir?
Neonero: Well, has no one stopped and realised how generic and samey these things are? Ooh but this guy has a different superpower! So the fact the plot arc he experiences is exactly the same with a few tweaks and character names changed is quite irrelevant. And anyway, he lives in a different city. And he was made by Marvel not DC so he must be better. Or vice versa.
Sharon: Salient arguments, no?
Neonero: The arguments of fools. People too blind to their own biases to realise they are arguing for the opposite side. This genre stinks as bad as the whole manga/anime community stinks. And don’t get me started on those fools who dress up as their favourite characters not once a year but half the year, travelling to conventions just to do it. I swear, if every convention was turned into a concentration camp, the world would be a better place. In fact, I would like to suggest Guantanamo Bay be the next Comic-con venue. Just imagining an idiot in an Ironman suit in one of those tiny, hot cages with rock music blaring as he slowly goes insane and ends up admitting he’s the ringleader for Al Quaeda fills me with great glee.
Sharon: I see we’ve brought out a strong opinion here. Perhaps too strong for Wednesdays.
Neonero: Wednesdays shwmednesdays. Ooh I sounded very semitic when I said that. Actually, you know basically none of today’s Jews are actually from the Semitic bloodline? Random fact there. And no, its not racist, I’m not insulting the Jews. You cant say Jew on TV without someone holding their breath sometimes, you can breathe again now Sharon.
Sharon emits a long exhalation, which causes both her chicken fillets to escape their residence inside her blouse. She shrugs and starts eating them raw as she grills (get it?) Neonero some more.
Sharon: We’ve gone from whimsy to serious in 0-60. Some criticise you for having no ‘solid character’ so to speak – in other words, people don’t know what they are gonna get from you. Oh excuse me, ‘going to’, please excuse my poor enunciation on live television...
Neonero: - Oh yeah, well some say it’s a ploy. Some say I am crazy. Some say everything I say is irrelevant. Some drive Mercs, some drive beamers. Some like basketball, some like baseball. Some like football, some worship hand-egg. Sorry, what was your question?
Sharon: Are you inane?
Neonero: Yes, they call me the Thane of Inane. Next question.
Sharon: Ok, here’s the big one...what do you have to say in response to Mark Flynn’s proposal?
Neonero: Allow me to answer this question in the form of mime.
Nero disappears completely off screen, for like 30 seconds. Sharon just sits there munching on her fillets, not even realising that nothing is going on on the TV. He returns, and winks at the camera.
Neonero: So there you have it.
Sharon: I see, chilling indeed. I almost wish I hadn’t asked. I haven’t felt this vulnerable since I accidentally tuned into a Peter Gilmour promo. I swear, just a glimpse of that man and I’m like a geyser.
Neonero: Too much info.
Sharon: I can’t apologise, the man is a solid hunk of man-meat. Just a glimpse from his eyes and I’d be on my knees in any bathroom stall.
Neonero: Wretching?
Sharon: No, I mean...well, anyway you’re right, this is too obscene for Wednesday night news.
Neonero: INRI above, the obscenity of Peter ‘spelt the Pink Floyd way’ Gilmour’s stomach line is too much for the censors really. There’s a reason those stories about 800lb men who have cleaners hired to wash the undersides of their fat slabs are shown after watershed.
Sharon: Quite. Well, I feel this interview is meandering around the way Archibald Lawson’s sugar levels do, let’s –
Neonero: Oh, Archie! That man cut me to the quick. He called me insane. What whimsical action of mine own could’ve led him to such an erroneous conclusion? I may be the Thane of Inane, but Insane? And then to call me ludicrous, unimportant, and a corruptor?
Sharon: Perhaps a defamation suit is in order?
Neonero: Indeed, sadly. I must announce here, on national television, that I, Neonero, will be bringing a lawsuit against one Archibald Reginald Squillington Methuselah Lawson, for his uncalled for insinuation, from a position of power, that I, Claudius, am insane.
Sharon: Good luck with that.
Neonero: I like turtles.
Sharon: Thank you for your time, Nero. We head now to the weather desk, with the real ‘Beast’, Bob Sapp.
The totally sane Bob Sapp yells out some weather nuggets like he’s the black weather reporter on Family Guy.
Bob Sapp: ITS GONNA RAIN PAIN! PAINY SEASON HAS ARRIVED IN THE XWF! TAKE PARTICULAR CARE IF YOU’S NAME IS FAT TONY SANTOS, THE SPANISH MAFIOSO COS THERE BE A PAIN STORM A-BREWIN FOR YOUR BUTT! IF YOU TAKE TO FLYING TONIGHT WATCH OUT FOR STRAY CAKES. BRYCE’S MOM BE THROWIN THEM ROUND LIKE A RAGIN’ BULL SINCE HER ONLY OFFSPRING STARTED A LOSIN STREAK. THAT BE THE WEATHER BACK TO YOU IN THE STUDIOOOOOOOO I’M OFF TO GRAPPLE WITH A GIRAFFE IN THE ARCTIC TUNDRAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Bob Sapp rips apart the weather set and storms out of the studio, randomly yelling at anyone in his way. The camera fixes on Dan, the only sane seeming person around this damn newscast.
Dan : Oh! Join us after the break when we speak to XWF favourite GameGenie on the finer points of Skype, his WiiU, what the best fighter franchise out there is, and whether or not he believes in the tooth fairy. Don’t miss that hard hitting interview, right after the commercials.
Dan salutes the camera, and we wonder what the Hell we just witnessed, whether it achieved anything, or whether it was just noise.
![[-]](https://xwf99.com/images/portal2/collapse.gif)
The following 4 users Like Neonero's post:![[Image: act1copy.png]](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v365/christianrules/act1copy.png)
![[Image: tumblr_mdip7x5mIE1re0galo1_400.gif]](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mdip7x5mIE1re0galo1_400.gif)
![[Image: bob-sapp-blog-6-4th6.gif]](http://colossalconcerns.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/bob-sapp-blog-6-4th6.gif)
