"This is the way the world ends, not with a bang, but a whimper."
- T. S. Elliot

---

VOYAGE

---

---

---

---

---

---

---

---

---

---

---

The year is 2019.

Everyone's feelings are hurt.

And the the world is at mercy to the machines.

Life, as we know it, has changed.

But war? War is a constant.

Never in the existence of anything has peace ever been an option. Natural selection, in it's simplest form, just would not allow that to happen. Resources run out or dry up. Things get greedy. When there is no other choices but to step forward or die, you do just that. An ecosystem cannot function without destruction or reconstruction. Humans seem to have a knack for both. At all corners of the globe, you can watch the constant paranoia of someone finding a stray dagger in their back. They were doing just fine destroying themselves, its not like they needed any help.

The turn of the millennium was supposed to be something spectacular. Instead, it filled people with fear and caused worldwide panic for a couple of years. If you didn't think every single computer was going to crash and erase everyone's hard-earned savings then you were probably looking forward to the rapture. A group of programmers in the 1980s didn't cross of few T's and boom. Judgement Day. That was the first time that it was clear who was really in charge.

Was 11:59PM on December 31, 1999 the final countdown?

Not at all.

The world continued to spin. Jesus took a raincheck. A light never flickered. A couple of nerds added 2 digits to a program and saved the world.

Just twenty, short years after the end of the world, every human now comes equipped with an electronic extension to themselves. Anyone with the dollars can have in their possession their very own all-knowing, all-seeing, all-telling device that fits right in their pocket. You are now as smart as your abilities to use these tools. Provide it with a destination and it will guide you where to go. Tell it your deepest desires and it will find them for you. Share yourself with the entire world through a talking camera phone connected with billions of others. After thousands of years of humans struggling to co-exist with each other, you still don't trust your own neighbor. Yet, just twenty years after Judgement Day, you do not hesitate to let it keep track or run your life for you, with no conscience to tell itself 'No' and no feeling of it's own betrayal to it's creators. The biggest concerns now come in the form of Twitter feeds and egos. Its like the threat to humanity never happened.

The year is 2019.

And everyone's a bunch of butt-hurt cyborgs.
Hold-up. Time for a selfie.

---

Part One

---

The world sits still. A thick blanket of fog covers everythiing in sight as if the ghost ship was drifting across clouds in the night sky. Universal Soldier sits, perched, at the bow of the ship and peers into the fog with a 666 millimeter-long spyglass, but to no avail. Discouraged, the UNVERSAL Champion steps back and crosses the ship to where his first mate, Peter Gilmour, steers the ship blindly into the mist.

Its no use, Peter! We'll never find Siberia in this bloody muck! Steady as she goes, dawn is imminent and THEN we'll surely find our way easier, ARGH!

We've been sailing like this for hours, Soldier. Are you sure we're going in the right way? I've banged plenty of sluts from Siberia before and they've always said its pretty cold there. I don't feel very cold right now.

NONSENSE PETER! Your mail-ordered hussies are no match for our tools! Check your instruments! Fog or no fog, the ship from Pirates of the Caribbean can't steer us wayward!

Peter takes his hands from the starwheel and inspects his instrument. Soldier pulls large gold compass from his pocket and opens it. It spins around 666 times as he watches. He nods and places it back in his pocket.

For those who may not be tuned in. Unknown Soldier, the new XWF UNIVERSAL Champion, and his first mate, Peter Gilmour, are on the search for the one and only Sid Feder in order to regain the XWF Trios Championship that the team once had. After several harrassing phone calls to XWF Executive Theo Pryce, the location of said Feder was revealed and the voyage began.

Everything checks out to me---!! NOT YOUR HOME-WRECKER, PETER! The SHIP'S instruments!

Peter conceals his weapon and quickly places his hands back on the starwheel while looking around it. He sees no such instruments.

Uhrm? Are you sure the ship from Pirates of the Caribbean came with instruments?

Ignoring Peter's statement, something catches Soldier's eye through the dense fog. Peter squints past his captain in an attempt to see what has the demon dick defiler so captivated. Suddenly, Soldier spins around with a horrid meth-toothed grin!

Do ye see what I see, Peter?!

Peter winces as tries harder and harder to peer through the fog which is finally starting to lift as the sun peers over the horizon. Its not nearly enough to see clearly, but in the distance, a sillhoutte of a volanco is barely visible.

Looks like a giant dick.

The horrid smile on Soldier's face turns sour.

What the fuck, Pete?

What? It does.

Soldier storms over and hangs over Peter's shoulders and points ahead!

LAAAAAAAND HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Soldier then shoulders Peter out of the way and takes control of the ship! He kicks his foot on the deck 666 times and reveals a compartment under the ship's deck. A large lever rises up and locks into the ships deck floor beside the starwheel.

You may want to grab ahold of that thing again, Peter....

Say what?

Before Pete could react Soldier uses all of his weight and jumps onto the large lever pushing it foward. The front of the ghost ship flies up into the air as she begins to pick up crazy momentum! The speed is so great that Pete's feet leave the deck floor, but before he flies off the ship he manages to grab the center mast of the ship and holds on for dear life! Soldier holds onto the starwheel like nothing with a long meth-stained tongue trailing two-feet behind him flapping in the wind.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?!

Peter's confusion isn't without question! This ghost ship turned into a damn speed boat! Peter continues to hold on, but his grip slowly begins to slip as the mast is too big for even the KING OF XTREME to handle! Suddenly the ghost speed boat comes to an abrubt halt and Pete goes flying forward toward the front of the ship where he crashes into several barrels marked: "C-Diff Formula", which luckily didn't break open. Peter gathers his bearings quickly, pulls himself to his feet, and looks overboard.

What... What just happened?!

Soldier walks up from behind Pete and looks overboard with him. The fog finally begins to clear up and the sight in front of them is a gorgeous desert beach backed with a dense forest all leading up to a single volcano just off the coast. Several tents are set up along the beachfront with a few buildings concealed in the trees.

Feast your eyes, Peter! Siberia!

Soldier props a leg up on the side of the ship, as if he had just discovered a new country.

I'm no expert, Soldier, but I digress. This doesn't look like Siberia.

Soldier shoves the head of Johnny Depp still impaled onto the handle of an oar and talks through the mouth.

Not only do you have the ship from Pirates of the Caribbean, Peter, but you also have a PIRATE from Pirates of the Caribbean!!

Soldier knocks Peter on top of the head with Johnny Depp's impaled head like a cane or sceptor then brings it face-to-face with himself.

EXACTLY! See, Peter? If anyone knows the sea better than anyone, it's this guy's head!

Soldier holds the oar high up into the air and Peter follows it with his eyes.

Sooo, what now?

Soldier continues to hold the oar high above his head.

Now? Our journey must continue, matey! Our search for 3x Better Sid Feder has led us to Siberia and now we must find him so we can get the XWF Trios TItles back!

He lowers the oar back down and points Johnny Depp's head back at Peter.

If you say so, Johnny Depp.

But first, we do what any pirate would do when they land in a new place...



In unison the two speak:

RAPE AND PILLAGE!!!

Soldier unsheathes a flaming sword and bites down on it, holding it in his mouth. He runs and leaps off the ship catching a dangling rope and, with SATANIC! momentum, he swings and flies 666 feet from the ship to the beach and lands on his feet! With a blood-curdling scream he rushes up the beach swinging his flaming sword radically.

HEY! WAIT FOR ME!

Meanwhile, Peter is still on the ghost ship trying to release the escape ghost rowboat on the side. He gets aggravated with it quickly and breaks one of the pulleys sending the little boat splashing off the water.

SHIT!!

It takes Peter a moment to scale down the side of the ghost ship onto the ghost rowboat. It takes him much longer to row his way to the beach. Explosions and screaming can be heard from the beach as people storm out of the buildings. Some are on fire and head to the water in attempts to put it out. Others can be seen being chased by the flailing flaming sword equipped by the captain, himself. Peter keeps looking back every time there's a loud bang and pouts a little bit with every stroke as he misses the action. When he finally reaches the beach, he does his best to run up the beach, but he is extremely winded from all of the stroking he was just doing.

Soldier emerges from one of the little housing units on the beach. It was very concealed from off of the coastline and unknown to them, but these two skallywags are actually standing on a massive resort where thousands of people are capable of staying at one time. Well, it's apparent to Soldier now as he approaches Peter covered in blood, spit, and feces.

Dammit, Soldier! You didn't save any raping or pillaging for ME, did you?

He's not here.

What?

HE'S NOT HERE, PETER! 3X BETTER SID FEDER ISN'T HERE! I'VE BEEN THROUGH ALL 666 ROOMS, 666 TIMES, AND NOTHING!!

Peter stands speechless on the beach staring down his depressed captain. Poor Peter. Confused and lost at sea. Theo wouldn't lie about Sid Feder's whereabouts to Soldier, would he? Why would he lie? Peter's thoughts ran rampant through his head.

I'm not sure what part of Siberia we're in, Soldier, but I am pretty sure its pretty big. Are you sure we just didn't look hard enough?

Sid Feder would stand out like a sore thumb! You should know that!

Of course I know that, but---

I know JUST what to do, Peter! Come! Follow ye!

At this point Peter just shrugs and follows the Captain into the forest.



The trek through the forest was no easy task, even from the demon dick defiler. Using the flaming sword nearly spelled the demise for the duo as Soldier was at first using it to clear the way which only led to a short disaster and Peter with minor burns.

After what seemed like forever, the two finally reach the base of the volcano. Peter stops, breathless, and leans against a tree.

Soldier....

He says accompanied with a long, heavy gasp.

Where the FUCK are we going?

Soldier turns and points up the mountain.

Isn't it obvious, Peter? UP!

YOU'VE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME! I'm about ready to drop dead here!

Trust me, Peter... It will all be worth it in the end! We must continue on! Use your super-dick strength, for SATAN!'s sake!

Peter digs deep and finds just enough super-dick strength left and begins to climb. When they finally reach the peak, Soldier pulls from his satchel a few pages torn from the Grand Grimoire and takes a seat. Peter, a few minutes behind, pulls himself up and lies motionless and breathing heavy. He peers up to Soldier who seems a bit distraught as he flips through his pages then crumples them up to shove them back into his satchel.

SATAN! dammit. We have to go back down.

Enough life returns to Peter for him to lift his head up.

WHAT?! WHY?! WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE EVEN DOING UP HERE?!

Calm yourself, Peter! We've obviously been led astray. The next time I see Theo Pryce I'm going to tie him up and stab him 666 times in the chest with a heroin needle used by 666 homeless heroin addicts.

I feel your pain.

Peter finds himself again and sits up.

So what are we going to do?

The only thing left to do, Peter. Summon SATAN!

Peter looks around.

Is that why we need the volcano?

The volcano is not like a volcano you would think you would need for a SATAN! ritual. It looks like its been dormant for a long time, thus explaining the resort planted directly on top of it.

Cuz, uh... This guy looks a little inactive...

Leave it to me, Peter! All we need is a sacrifice!

Peter holds his hand up and shields the sun from his eyes to peer around from the peak.

I think you already raped and pillaged everyone, Soldier. Where are we going to find a sacrifice?

ARGH.. You could be right, but look here!

Soldier pulls a page back out from his satchel. He shows Peter but it is written in some ancient language that is completely indecipherable to the XTREME LEGEND. Peter looks down then back up to Soldier.

ANYTHING'll do when you have a volcano, Pete!

Sorry, I'm not caught up on my SATAN! worship. And may I digress? Is this even a volcano?

A flock of seagulls flies nearby just over their head. Soldier leaps up and grabs one out of the air. It flaps around frantically in Soldier's grasp, but cannot escape no matter how it tries! He motions for Peter to take it, but Peter shakes his head and takes a couple steps backwards nearly falling into the volcano!

No! I'm good! Fuck birds!

The seagull squawks and bounces around causing feathers to fly everywhere!

Take the damn sacrifice, Peter! Quit wasting time!

Soldier pretty much throws the bird at Peter forcing him to catch it and pulls the pages out of his satchel to begin the ritual. He begins reading in an ancient language from the first page, then the second, then the third..... The wind has picked up and a storm cloud forms in the distance heading towards them. Peter gets thrown around by the bird holding it with both of his hands around its neck. Soldier finishes the third page, looks up to Pete, and yells!

NOW PETER! RIPS IT'S HEAD OFF AND THROW IT INTO THE VOLCANO!

SUCK MY DICK!!! I'M NOT DOING THAT!!!

NOW PETER!

Peter digresses and grabs both ends of the bird and rips it in half covering himself in feathers and blood! He gags as he throws both pieces down the hole in the center of the mountain they stand and takes cover. A calm rumble of thunder crawls across the distant sky, but sounds no where near our two SATAN! worshipers are summoning SATAN! The sky around them remains blue and the void which they threw their sacrifice remains dark.

What the fuck?

Soldier stands still for a moment, thinking to himself. He pulls the pages from his satchel once again and goes over them.

Nothing happened.

Hmmmmmm..... Everything seems right...... Blah blah blah... Volcano.... Huh? Hm. Hm? No shit.

What? WHAT?!

Soldier chuckles to himself.

You're never going to believe this.

WHAT?! TELL ME, DAMMIT!

Calm down, Peter! Maybe you should take a seat!

Peter quickly lowers himself to the ground, overly anticipating what it is Soldier has found out. It is not a few short seconds though that Peter starts to become very ill.

AAAAWWWWWWWWGGHGHHHHHH!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!

Pete moans and groans as he falls to his side in excruciating pain. Soldier watches in anticipation as his first mate clenches his stomach and shrieks out in agony!

FEAR NOT, PETER! IT IS ALL IN SATAN!'S WILL!!

In that instant Peter's asshole is wrecked when a head, torso, and two arms all covered in some thick black, tar-looking mass tear out of it. He screams like you would expect someone to scream if that would happen to them and instantly passes out. Peter's bowels relax and the rest of the black tarred body slips out and lies quivering on the ground. Soldier just stares into what just happened, almost impressed, when the world around him slowly fades and just starts to go white.

A bright light flashes and when he opens his eyes he is standing in a place with no floors or ceilings. No windows, no doors. Just white. He looks around confused before taking a step what seemed like off a cliff or jumping out of an airplane. Soldier screams a blood curdling scream as he falls through the white nothingness for about six seconds before he stops and just embraces it. Scenes of him winning the UNIVERSAL Championship flash around him. More scenes previous and more, EVEN MORE obscene scenes of Unknown Soldier completely running the place whenever he SATAN! well pleases...

Until his falling white world went black and smack of thunder made him nearly, NEARLY throw a narly downstairs.

An icy stare meets his own in the sky before his body SMACKS off the ground and he's left breathless on the ground.



WAKE THE FUCK UP!!

Peter shakes the lifeless, breathless body of the UNIVERSAL Champion atop the volcano. Soldier's eyes open just as Peter is going in for some mouth-to-mouth, but Pete's glorious efforts are stopped by the strength of Unknown Soldier's tongue alone sticking out a foot and a half and pressing on Pete's forehead. Pete's eyes meet Soldier's and he glares back at him with mean eyes.

Do you know what the fuck you just did?

Soldier's tongue slips back into his mouth all snake-like.

LOOK!

Soldier follows Peter's finger behind him and stretches his neck to see. Some mist has set in at the old peak and the silhouette in the distance is a bit hard to see.

Ahoy, my friends!

What the fuck is HE doing here?!

Soldier's blurry vision clears and sees an emerging Doctor Louis D'Ville from the fog. The demon dick defiler's grin reemerges as well as he Nosferatu-plank stands up and embraces the coming of is former long reigning Tag Team Championship partner.

What do you mean, Peter?! Don't you see?? We asked SATAN! for a tag team partner to regain the Trios Championship and he delivered!

But what about Sid Feder?

FUCK SID FEDER!

Doc gives a half-grin and takes a few steps forward as Peter scowls a bit with his defenses half-high. Soldier, on the other hand, drunkenly steps towards Doc with the utmost erection.

Well shiver me fuckin' timbers! If it ain't...------

Cigarette.

Doc interrupts Soldier who stops and checks around his pockets. He looks back to Peter.

Pete! You got a smoke for the doctor?

Peter throws his arms up in almost disbelief and mutters something that neither Soldier nor Doc listen to. Soldier's eyes do light up then, and he produces a rolled up something from whatever pocket.

I got this?

Doc snatches it from Soldier's hand, lights it, and takes a nice long drag.....

Better?

Doc's one good eye takes a twirl and he snarls at the scent of the rolled-up whatever. He holds it up to Soldier...

What? Is? This?

Angeldust, I believe.

Doc croaks and falls to his back gargling and foaming at the mouth.

My bad.

After a few convulsions Doc stands right back up.

Kidding. But there is something in there though...

Doc gives himself a couple fist pounds on the chest and clears his throat.

Coming down with something are you, doctor?

Peter interjects.

So what brings you here, Doc?

Doc takes another hit from the angeldust and takes a look around the tropical, desolate scenery.

Well, my dear friend, it is quite simple you see.

Doc snaps his fingers and the three flash into a complete rendition of Paul Simon's, "You Can Call me Al" where Peter plays Paul Simon's part and Doc plays Chevy Chase's while Soldier just watches.



The musical number that Peter somehow found himself involved in was over, but didn't really explain anything, or did it?

Do you see?

You want me to be your bodyguard?

Not quite.