We find our hero, Thunder Knuckles, leaning against dirty brick wall in the middle of the night looking like a cat burglar eating an apple. Oh look, that stupid camera is here again. Oh well, fuck it. At least I’ll get some of those SWEET xbux for this. he thinks to himself as he takes another bite.

Something to keep in mind heading into the MAN OVERBOARD BATTLE ROYALE.

Spitting small apple chunks as he speaks.

I was Northwestern Ohio's hide and go seek champion for five years straight and only stopped because I was so great. Do you know how hard it is to get a guy my size into a mini-fridge?But says softly I’ll never do that one again.

He stops to take another bite of his delicious red apple.

The only other person I know of who can hide better than me is Jimmy Hoffa whos been missing since Wednesday, July-thirtieth-nineteen-seventy-five!

He slaps his belly and leans back into a deeply obnoxious laughter, that is made even more so by the chunks of apple spraying from his lips.

A common misconception of battle royales is you gotta eliminate a bunch of people. This apple is pretty good by the way. You should get one cameraman.

Takes another bite of apple!

I don't have to eliminate everyone in the match. I just have to hide and seek out one specific elimination.

STILL!!! spraying small bits of apple with each and every word he speaks.

He takes another bite.

All I gotta do is stay away from the edge of the damn yacht.

Thunder Knuckles tosses his apple core to his left, while never looking away from the camera. It hits a backstage gripe in the head. He starts walking around looking for places to hide and the cameraman follows.

Let's take a shortlist of competitors and where they come from for the Man Overboard Battle Royale, shall we?

Jim Jimson XWF heavymetalweight champion from Australia. The former prison for the British. The best thing Australia produced recently was Jeff Horn who beat Manny Pacquiao in the best home cooking match of that year. XWF woudda been better off throwing in a Goddamn kangaroo, It at least it at least them fuckers know how to box! All the Australian’s are good for is making shitty beer, and shitty hide and go seek skills! I can’t blame them though, I wouldn’t want to hide anywhere with all them BIG ASS spiders all over the place! But that works to my advantage, now doesn’t it?

Thunder Knuckles reaches into his pocket and produces another apple, this time it’s green.

The Wretched Nobody from Tokyo, Japan? Probably too busy watching crap anime and smelling panties from a vending machine to be too much of a threat. He comes from the home of sumo wrestling and minor league baseball teams that pose as professionals. “Hajime no Ippo” was dope though. Props.

He takes a bite of the apple and spits it out in disgust!

”What the fuck?”

Thunder Kuckles looks at the apple and realizes that it is green.

Fuckin’ mother fucker! He looks around. JIMMY! He spots his target and hurls the apple in a fit of rage! ”ASSHOLE! The apple explodes on Jimmy’s forehead! You damn well know better than to give me GREEN apples!

Sorry boss, I forgot. He says with a whimper.

Thunder Knuckles spits the rest of the nasty green apple out.

Isabelle Ravenwolfe from what I’ve gathered, from talking to my sources here in XWF, is this twat has been here for a long time and she's a bitch...or a witch. Doesn't really matter though, look her up on the XWF website. It's almost like shes so bad they don't even list her on the official roster. So let's just say parts unknown for this high caliber “athlete”.

After speaking her name,Thunder Knuckles thinks of a potential place to hide. He walks over and looks inside of one of the trash cans, wondering if he could fit inside? Hey, I think I just found her career inside of this thing! Tossing the lid behind him, he looks back to the camera.

Tyler Cross from Toronto, Canada? How aboot them Leafs bud? Fuck off! The Leafs haven't done shit since 1967. Which is longer than Jimmy Hoffa has been hiding I might add. If it wasn't for Kawhi Leonard. The Raptors wouldn't have been shit either! At least he was smart enough to see that and got the hell outta there!

Thunder Knuckles scratches his balls. Why? Because they itch and he doesn’t give a shit.

Finn Kuhn from parts unknown. Former stand out in January 2018...FUUUUUCK! It’s 2019 and as far as I can tell, you have’t said or done shit this whole year! BUT OHHH! A former XWF Heavymetalweight champion. That’s the only thing this guy has going for him these days, the claim of being able to do something once, even if not anymore. Good job ya shit heel !

Thunder knuckles rolls his eyes thinking about the parts unknown group he's dealing with and then looks behind one of the staircases where he sees a door marked “do not enter”. He peaks in and sees a small storage closet with just enough room for him to slip in and hide.

Then you have me from the GREAT state of Ohio! You all do realize that Ohio has produced some of the best athletes in the world right? You know what, I'll just name a few for now because I don't have all day.

Ever heard of LeBron James?

You know, the guy who everyone KNOWS is better than Michael Jordan, but can’t admit because of their bullshit nostalgia goggles!

Yeah well

He's from OHIO!

How about that Jack Lambert? The man’s a 4 time Super Bowl champion, and he’s from...you guessed it!

OHIO!

OH and last but not least!

Thunder knuckles pauses for dramatic effect!!!

THUnDAAAAAR KNUCKLES! A 5 time back to back Northwestern Ohio's hide and go seek champion (2005-2010) amongst other things but I can't give away all my surprises now can I!

Good luck everyone! Cause if where your from, says anything about who you'll be. I'll be walking off that yacht, dry as fuck, with the chance at the Hart or TV title shot of MY choosing. OH! Don't forget about that sweet bonus for winning the match too.

Management! Where's my check!?

Thunder Knuckles walks away from the cameraman still searching for the perfect spot to hide