The camera centered on the face of a middle-aged man with salt and pepper hair.

“Good evening everyone, my name is Stewart Pupkin, and welcome to a special celebrity edition of ‘Home Protection Inc.’ I’m at the West Hollywood home of, not one, but two celebrities! One, a multimedia darling in the world sports and entertainment with a number of television and film credits to her name; Kenzi Grey. The other, born of royalty and fabulously rich, also a professional wrestling savant; Sarah Selena Grey-Lacklan.”

Inset graphics appear on the screen displaying the couple in both their home and professional lives. Kenzi’s and Sarah’s numerous film and sports endeavors.

“However, with all that fame comes a very dark reality…a fan’s obsession can sometimes become dangerous…even deadly! In 2017 Sarah was the victim of childhood friend’s obsession and it nearly cost her the ability to walk. In recent weeks, she has again found herself the target of stalker’s attention. Only a few weeks prior, Kenzi was struck down by a sniper with a beanbag cannon. Coincidence? Perhaps, but not likely.”

Stewart walks out front the large white home, its unique dome shape gleaming in the afternoon West Hollywood sun.

“Today, we are going to shadow the personal security contingent for Grey-Lacklan family and get a sense for the many challenges they face each and every day!”

The camera centered on the faces of Bobbi London and Maxine Ball as the voice of Stewart Pupkin spoke from off-camera.

“Good evening ladies, would you mind telling us a little bit about yourselves and what you do?”

Maxine was stoic, as always, flexing her massive muscles. Bobbi, on the other hand, mugged for the camera as she cradled her XWF Internet and 30 Second Promo Championships. Being the talker for the group, she spoke up for the both of them.

“Well…me name is Bobbi London and I’s originally from Queensland, Australia. Back in Oz, I’s was an aspiring gangsta rapper. I’s came to the U.S. to further me career…and then, bodyguarding just kinda fell into me lap. I’s still looking for me rap music contract…but in the meantime, working fer Kenz puts a few quid in me pockets. Plus, doing a bit of face punching in XWF as been pretty good to me as well, yah?”

Bobbi turned and patted Max on one of her massive biceps.

“This ‘ere is me best mate Maxie! She is a Shelia of few to no words. Maxie prefers to let ‘er fists speak for ‘er…and they sing lullabies…cuz they put idiots to sleep, yah?!”

Bobbi laughed hysterically at her joke, but Maxine just held up her two massive fists and awkwardly stared over them.

“Fascinating! So neither of you came into the protection business through a career in law enforcement…like the majority of us?”

A look of confusion touched Bobbi’s face as she scratched her head…

'When you’s say THROUGH law enforcement…I’s not rightly sure about that. I’s mean, I’s been locked up by the bloody coppers several times for pounding the bloody piss outta some idiot drongos in me time! I can’t even count ‘ow many times I’s been chucked in the divvy van and taken to jail for drunk and disorderly!”

Stewart quickly clarified his earlier statement.

“Well, that’s not quite what we mean by coming in through law enforcement. We meant, spending time as a law enforcement officer.”

Bobbi laughs, slapping her knee as she realizes what they meant.

“OH! BLOODY ‘ELL MATE! Sorry bout that! Well…yes, I’s never been a copper meself, but I suppose it’s in me blood. You see, me mum shagged a bobby in London when she was locked up for thieving and such. Eleven months later…out pops me and me idiot mum names me Bobbi fuckin London cause she thinks it’s funny! So, I suppose in a way, I’s got a bit of copper in me…on a count of me mum being all loosey goosey in the grey bar motel!”

Stewart seems stupefied by Bobbi’s story at first, then he shakes his head.

“Well…er…that’s very interesting…wait! Did you say you your mother was pregnant with you for eleven months? I mean…that doesn’t even seem possible!”

“You’s know, I’s said the same thing mate, but she always told me it was on a count of me being so bloody big! She said she was in labor for two months and I’s was kinda stuck ‘alf in and ‘alf out the entire time.”

“Wow…I mean, that sounds…unbelievable!”

Maxine frowned and Bobbi sat forward, narrowing her eyes and balling up her massive fists.

“You’s calling me mum a fucking liar mate? I’s can stick yous sodding ‘ead up that cameraman’s arse then yous can see fer yerself if she’s fuckin liar, eh?!”

There was a short pause and an audible gulp from Stewart before he answered.

“No…a demonstration will not be necessary. Let’s get back to your role as bodyguard for the Grey-Lacklans. You two have never done protection before, and now you find yourselves as security for a celebrity power couple. That has to be very daunting, coordinating your staff around their busy schedule. How many others do you both have on your staff?”[/color]

Bobbi snorted, laughing out loud at this and Maxine rolled her eyes.

“Staff? You’s looking at the bleeding staff right ‘ere mate! I’s don’t know what you’s ‘eard bout Ms. Kenz and ‘ers wife, but for a big time ‘Ollywood couple, they’s flat broke mate! Granted…it’s really strange since Kenz ‘as been in movies and all these shows on the telly and Sarah is like a excommunicated princess and what not! I’s ‘ave no idea what they’s do with all they’s money…it’s a real bloody mystery mates!”

Max held up one of her massive feet and pointed to her shoes and Bobbi laughed.

“BLOODY FUCKIN A MATE! Yah! Sarah spends bleedin millions on goddamn shoes!”

Stewart takes this all in and looks surprised by it all.

“So, you don’t have a staff at all. How are you able to keep up with all the threats that are made to your clients? There are, apparently, people coming after them all the time.”

Bobbi glanced up as she scratched her chin and thought on that question a bit.

‘Onestly mate…right now, there is only one threat against Sarah, and that’s some bleedin a-hole who likes sneaking in her dressing room and wearing ‘er fuckin unmentionables! Then, in a fit of fuckin embarrassment and self-loathing, they destroy the stuff instead of thieving it like me mum use to! WHAT THE ‘ELL? Some kinda freak, yah know?”

“Do you think it might be the same person who shot a beanbag into Kenzi’s knee?”

Bobbi shakes her head and looks at her partner.

“Nah, we knows who the fuck did that deed, we just need to convince Kenzi of it. Nah, we’s both pretty sure that these incidents are unrelated.”

“You’re think it may be another XWF wrestling star?”

Bobbi laughed out loud, long and hard, pausing to look at Stewart off camera to see if he was joking. When there was no reply, Bobbi erupted into another bout of laughter.

“Wrestling star?! Trust me, some idiot beating up a woman’s wardrobe aint no bloody star! They’s fuckin pathetic mate! When I’s catch them, I’s gonna beat them worse than me mate beat up that MMA guy in Columbus last Saturday!”

Maxine gave Bobbi a fist bump over her huge knock out win in Union Grand Prix last weekend on the Boss Fight XI prelims.

“Don’t think me won’t get me on own licks in! I’s gonna squash them flatter than I’s do to that twiggly little pissant Ashley Ackles this weekend! “Ell! For all’s I know, the stalker is Ackles! She fuckin stalked me on television and then she’s come to me appearance in UGWC and cost me another bleedin championship! Maybe I’s need to take a closer look at ‘er, yah?”

“So, this Ackles person has been stalking you?”

“Yah mate! This Ackles bitch is not just a stalker…she doesn’t just want to be around me, she wants to become me! First she’s run out and eat a bunch of fuckin Ruby Oh’s to get big and beautiful like me, but her’s just a big fat but-her face, so now she’s a little twiggy bitch again and she wants me title! She is trying ‘er level best to become me! Did yah see that movie mate? Single White Female? Well, we’s all living the bloody real life version of it right now Luv! Ashley ‘as been slowly trying to replace me for months now. But after I’s drop that Copy Cat Cunt at Leap of Faith, me clients will ‘ave all of me attention!”

“Copy Cat…errr…”

Bobbi raises her hand to stop Stewart from repeating her.

"Plain and simple mate, Ashley is nothing but a bloody Copy Cat Cunt! ‘Er doesn’t ‘ave a life of ‘er own, so now she is trying to steal one that’s better than ‘er own!”

“Ahhh! So, is that what the Leap of Faith fight is all about?”

Bobbi raised her two rather large and beefy fists, looking at one and then at the other with a sadistic grin.

“Oh…Oh yes it is! I’s gonna break that cunt’s fuckin jaw in ‘er’s own home country, and after all the things she’s had to say about me…I can ‘ardly wait to get inside that ring! If ‘er thinks fer a moment that she’s seen me best, ‘er’s in fer the fucking surprise of ‘er life! You’s see, I’s not a wrestler…I’s a stand over man, or what you’s seppos in the States call a bruiser. I’s get paid to put the big time ‘urt on those who decide to step out of bloody turn. That is just what Ackles ‘as done…and so now, I’s gonna teach ‘er a lesson. “Er thinks the road to me Title is the beginning of ‘er XWF career, but ‘er’s gonna see that this is just a dead bloody end! Trust me mates, it’s gonna stand out like dog’s balls after I leave that sheila in a puddle of ‘er own blood in that match! Taking me lightly is gonna get ‘er’s ‘urt real bad! Just like that pissbaby who’s been wearing Sarah’s clothes and writing on ‘er door like a lovesick pup! Me and Maxie is gonna sort ‘em out real good!”

“Well, we will all certainly look forward to that! Now, if you don’t mind…we would like to see what you do in a typical day as you protect your clients.”

Bobbi nodded with a broad grin as she stood up along with Maxine, rubbing her hands together.

“Alrighty then! Let’s get to it, shall we?”



After a brief commercial break, ‘PROTECTION INC. Celebrity Edition’ returned with the host, Stewart Pupkin.

“As a veteran in the protection industry, I have seen and done it all. I have worked directly for and consulted with some of the biggest names in politics and entertainment. If there is anyone who truly knows how difficult this job can be, it’s me. That is why I am astounded by the way Mad Rhymes Protection Agency approaches their protection duties as a two-woman team.”

He gestured to the monitor behind him that opened on an interior shot of the Grey-Lacklan home.

“Let’s take a look!”

The scene opened on a small, cramped room that was filled with boxes and clutter that reached up to the ceiling. Bobbi spread out her arms as she turned around.

“Well, this is it mate! This ‘ere is me and me mate’s base of operations! This is where we literally ‘old the lives of two of the most famous people on the planet in the palms of our ‘ands!”

Bobbi and Max hold out their hands…rather awkwardly.

“This looks like a storage closet...”

Bobbi and Max sighed in unison.

“Well…yes…to someone who was planning to do ‘arm to our clients…or to the common layperson, this ‘ere would appear to be nothing more than a common broom closet…but I’s assure you, there is more to this room than meets the eye!"

“Really? It kinda looks like a room full of junk.”

Bobbi narrowed her, eyes as she shook her head. She walked over to a huge box and patted it lovingly on the side.

“This box right ‘ere contains all ours weapons and gadgets we need to keep Kenz and Sar safe whilst we’re inside they’s palatial sex palace."

“Why does it say sports equipment on the side?”

Bobbi looked at the side of the box, which was labeled SPORTS EQUIPMENT in big bold magic marker. She and Max stood back for a moment, stroking their chins in stereo. Finally Bobbi shook her head.

“See, like I’s said mate, to an obsessed fan like Ashley Ackles, she’d look at that and jump to conclusions, but that is not what that says at all mate. This is where I’s keep me weapons and gadgets. That doesn’t say sports, it’s a bloody acronym Luv! That stands fer Superior Protection of Reality Television Stars!”

Even Max looks away as Stewart asks.

“Are you sure you didn’t just make that up?”

Bobbi glared to Stewart, standing just off camera.

“Yous calling me a fucking liar cunt?! I’s told you what it stands for you bloody pissant!”

Bobbi reached inside and pulled out a baseball bat with a catcher’s mitt attached to it. She grinned as she twirled the bat around a few times, then dropped it as it slipped out of her hands, clattering to the floor. She bent down and picked it back up, blushing as she did…

“Sorry! Been a while since I ‘ad cause to pull out me nightstick!”

“That looks like a baseball bat with a catcher’s glove on it.”

Bobbi rolled her eyes, yanking off the glove and holding the ‘bat’ in one hand.

“I promise you, if I’s ‘it you up side your fucking gob with this stick yer arse is going night-night! GET IT? NIGHTSTICK BITCH!”

There is an audible gulp from off screen.

“So, what’s the catcher’s glove for?”

Bobbi looked at the glove in her other hand, then shrugged...

“I DON’T KNOW! TO CLEAN UP ALL THE FUCKIN’ BRAINS AFTERWARD?!”

Bobbi turned and reached into the SPORTS Equipment box and pulled out a badminton net.

“I’s use this ‘ere to detain any perpetrators until the coppers can get ‘ere! As you can see, there are a lot of ‘oles in this one, so I probably could not use it on a twiggy little cunt like Ashley Ackles…’er boney arse would just slip right through!”

Bobbi laughed as she reached back inside the box and pulled out a box of lawn darts.

“These…these are some of me favorites mates. They’s ninja throwing spears and you’ve got to ‘ave a high degree of training to throw them proper!”

She pulled out one of the large finned javelins.

“I’m pretty sure those are illegal now. Too many children were getting hurt playing with them in their backyards.”

Bobbi smirked at him...

“DUH!! It’s a bloody fuckin spear mate! Yous give this thing a right good toss and it will stop an intruder instantly!"

Bobbi held the lawn dart like a circus knife thrower and hurled it at another box across the room. The lawn dart skidded off the side of the box, missing Max by inches, and impaled itself into the wall beside her. Almost immediately, a jet of water spewed forth from around the hole made by the dart from a ruptured waterline. Bobbi threw the rest of the items back into the SPORTS Equipment box and she started to usher Maxine, Stewart and the cameraman out of the room.

“OKAY!! Nothing else to see in ‘ere I guess! Let’s get going, shall we!”

Bobbi looked around nervously as she swore and slammed the door behind her.

“…bloody fucking ‘ell…”

The show abruptly cuts to commercial...



After another brief commercial break, ‘PROTECTION INC. Celebrity Edition’ returned with the host, Stewart Pupkin…

“In that last segment, Bobbi London and Maxine Ball showed us their base of operations and just a few of their tools of the trade. While they are forced to run their business on a shoestring budget, it is obvious that in their hands, the most simplistic of everyday household items can be turned to a deadly purpose in defense of their celebrity clients!”

He gestured to the monitor behind him that opened on a shot of a limousine.

“Transportation of your clients can and will expose them to danger, each and every time. I served four tours in Bagdad and Afghanistan. I can tell you this, convoy missions were without a doubt the most stress filled hours of any day or night I served. For Bobbi and Maxine…I am sure that it is no different. Let’s take a look…”

The scene opened on a CTN limousine outside the Grey-Lacklan residence as Bobbi and Maxine walked outside and headed to the back-passenger side door.

“In the protection business, we’s often called on to oversee the commuter needs of our clients. We’s responsible for route planning and we’s must be ready at a moment’s notice with a backup plan if there is ever a problem with our primary route!”

Bobbi pulled out her sweet CoolTube Source issued Windows smartphone.

“This ‘ere device was issued to me by Sar when I first took the position a few weeks ago. It’s pretty much like something out of a James Bond film. There’s all sorts of utilities and whatnot just built right into it. For instance, if I’s needs to plan a route, I’s can just type the address and this little doohickey will map out two or three routes for me straight away!”

“That sounds like WAZE or Google Maps.”

Bobbi glared off camera at Stewart, her eyes shooting daggers at him.

“THIS ISN’T A FUCKIN GOOGLEY THING! THIS IS BLOODY CUTTING EDGE TECHNOLOGIES YOU STUPID WANKER!”

Cortana immediately interrupted.

“I’m sorry, I did not find any address matching, ‘visiting google thing this is blood cutting your testicles you stupid white guy.’ Please say a valid address…”

“That sounds exactly like my phone. It even gets all the words wrong just like mine.”

Bobbi gives him the finger as Max looks away to keep from laughing.

“Well…this isn’t like your thing at all! It sounds like Sar! I’s can make and receive telly calls if Kenz or Sar needs me or I’s need to contact the coppers!”

“Yeah…that is called a cell phone.”

Bobbi holds up her device, peering through the view finder.

“I’s can take pictures of suspicious types, just in case I…”

“I have a 50 megapixel camera on my cell phone.”

Bobbi tosses her phone to the ground, shattering it.

“YOU’S CAN JUST PISS RIGHT THE FUCK OFF MATE!”

Bobbi takes a deep breath to compose herself, then she walks over to the car door.

“ANYWAYS! As I’s was saying, after I’s plans me route, I’s make it a point to ensure that our clients is safe and secure before we depart. I’s conduct a meticulous search of the interior of the vehicle first…”

Bobbi opened the car door and started to go inside, then she froze as she saw Kenzi and Sarah in the backseat apparently pretty far along into a hot and heavy make-out session. Bobbi immediately slammed the car door shut and stood in front of it, protectively.

“Was that your clients inside the car?”

Bobbi shook her head slowly.

“Nope…”

“That looked like them.”

Bobbi looked around and then answered.

"What you’s just saw…was what we refer to in the protection business as LMDs! Yous cannot be too careful these days!"

“LMDs?”

Bobbi nods.

“Yah, Lesbian Model Decoys, but who is I’s to judge? To each their own, eh?! ANYWAY! From here, I’s complete me exterior check of the vehicle, paying close attention to…”

Bobbi freezes, grabbing Max by her arm as something catches her eye.

“What is it? What do you see?!”

“IT’S THAT BLOODY STALKER ASHLEY ACKLES!! MAXIE CALL THE COPPERS I’S GOING AFTER ‘ER!!”

Max gets down and starts scooping up the broken pieces of the Window’s phone as Bobbi takes off at a lumbering pace with the cameraman running behind her. The camera swings wildly from side to side as they try to keep up with her. The camera catches Bobbi tackling a skinny young boy with a mop of brunette hair to the ground. The boy screams for help as Bobbi frantically tries to get off of him after realizing her mistake. The paperboy runs off screaming as Bobbi backs away, dusting off her clothes and grinning sheepishly.

“Sorry about that…was a skinny little boy. ‘Owever, Ashley Ackles does bear a striking resemblance to a 15-year-old boy! I mean…they could ‘ave been twins, them two!”

Bobbi looks around nervously.

“We should probably go before the coppers come, yeah? Yeah!”

Bobbi turns and runs back towards the house as the show goes to commercial...




After a final commercial break, ‘PROTECTION INC. Celebrity Edition’ returned with the host, Stewart Pupkin…

“In that final segment, Bobbi demonstrated that her duties to her clients are quite varied and numerous. She is charged with not only protecting her clients from harm but also from the threat of public embarrassment. It is amazing that the two of them have managed to accomplish so much with so little formalized training. It just goes to show that where there is a will, there is certainly a way. That will do it for this edition of PROTECTION INC. I am Stewart Pupkin, be forever vigilant…and be forever safe! Goodnight!”