A tangle of bells hanging above the door jingles helpfully as Engy walks into...somewhere. The camera helpfully scans around the room, giving up some hints as to just where we've ended up.



Oh dear.

Hello sir! Engy walks up to a desk where a kindly looking older man turns to greet him.

Ah yes, what can I help you with?

Engy looks around with an odd grin on his face. I'm here to buy a casket!

The old man snaps his fingers. Well, you're in the right place. However, he quickly turns somber, like it's a transition he's practiced many a time. But, let me first say I'm terribly sorry for your loss. If there is anything I can do to make this difficult time any eas-

Oh nah man, it's not like that, the casket's for me.

The man looks slightly taken aback, but like the pro that he is he rapidly regains his composure. Oh, I see. Well we can certainly help you with that. Many people come here looking to prepare for their own final arrangements to remove the burden of all that planning from their loved ones.

Engy takes notice of the bell on the desk, and he allows it to distract him as he playfully hovers his finger over the dinger. You think it can be done in a couple days? **DING!** Sorry, finger slipped.

Two days...? Well I.... The man considers Engy quizzically. Why so soon?

Engy shrugs and makes a “well duh” expression. I'm gonna die on Wednesday soooooo.....yeah. Chop chop.

The old man now takes on a furrowed, concerned expression. I....I don't understand. You're not planning to....ya know? The old man mimes hanging himself.

Engy recoils from the desk. What?! Oh no, no no! I am FAR too selfish to kill myself. No, I'm going to get horrifically murdered by an absolute beast of a man named Drezdin on Wednesday in a wrestling match.

Oh, that sounds terrible!

Yeah, it sucks a big fat wet one. Drezdin is a soulless, godless killing machine who bathes in the blood of his enemies. In fact, I hear he collects the blood to shampoo his crotch with. And given the rumored size of his schlong, well, let's just say he needs A LOT of blood.

The old man looks aghast. Engy picks up on it and smirks. It ain't Rock 'N Wrestling anymore, that's for damn sure. Anyhoooo, I kinda like this brown one over here. Engy points to one of the coffins and walks over to it. The old man breaks from his horrified stasis and comes out from behind the counter.

Ah yes, that is a Lancaster Solid Mahogany Hardwood Casket, a very fine selection sir. May I ask what your...erm....price point is?

Engy runs a hand over it's smooth surface and opens it up. Price point? Oh, like how much I wanna pay? Engy mulls it over, drumming his fingers on the edge of the coffin for a moment. I dunno, like a hundred-

The man's face drops.

-thousand.

The man's expression instantly brightens. Oh, oh I see! Well why don't I just go ahead and grab you the platinum catalogue then!

Cool. I'm gonna chill here and take this baby for a spin.

You can do whatever you like, sir. The man scurries off to the back, visions of insane commissions dancing in his head.

Meanwhile, Engy lifts one leg up and over the lip of the coffin, scooting his ass inside and dragging his other leg in as well. He takes a moment to hunker down into the white, inviting satin lining. With a contented sigh, he pulls the lid closed, and we are lost to darkness. And then...light! Engy turns his cell phone on, illuminating the interior of the coffin in all it's claustrophic glory. Ya know, before this point I was strictly a cremation man. But now? I could see my body wasting away over a series of centuries until it is finally nothing but a long forgotten putrescent pool of organic matter IN STYLE! He snuggles a little more, finding an even more comfortable spot, before continuing.

Hey Drez, it's Engy. Don't mind me, just preparing for the inevitable. Because somehow, despite literally shitting my pants in fear of you during my last promo, I have done nothing but go ahead and piss you off more. It's okay. I'm resigned to my fate. I've lead a goo-....well, I've lead A life. And I'm ready for it to be over. Really, I am! I mean, yeah, I never got to see the Buffalo Bills win a super bowl. And I never got Bette Midler to sit on my face while she sang “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy” and jacked me off to completion. I have remarkably specific fantasies, don't kink shame please. But it's all good. Well, except for one thing. I would hate to think I went to the great beyond letting you believe I didn't take you seriously.

Real talk, Drezdin? You're one of the best here.

I mean that. Truly. You may not have the best record. You may not have wracked up a mountain of championship wins. But in a form of entertainment that is replete with primadonnas who quit in a huff after losing one match, or lunatics who fall out with management and try to tear down a company that so many people enjoy both as fans and employees...there you are. Enduring. And just having a damn good time doing it, records and accolades be damned. I mean, there is just something so unpretentious about you...something pure. Like maybe...just maybe....you represent something that the rest of us jaded assholes in this biz have long lost.

You're a foundation in the XWF. I'm not even sure that you're fully aware of that. You have a place here. And you always will. And if anyone tries to tell you otherwise, let me know so I can eviscerate them.

Oh hell, who am I kidding, you can handle it yourself.

Engy allows himself one last contented sigh.

Okay....okay....maybe I am buttering you up a bit in the hopes you won't pull my entire body inside out and mount me above your mantelpiece like some Cronenbergian hunting trophy. But I did mean it too. Really.

Please don't kill me.

The lid to the casket opens, reintroducing bright light to Engy's eyes far too abruptly. He throws his arm over his face. Dude, really?

The old man is holding the casket open with one hand, and a catalogue in the other. Would you like to see some of our exclusive options? You can decompose in the lap of luxury on a bed of crushed diamonds!

Engy grabs the catalogue from the old man and pulls the casket closed again as we fade to....


…..FIN!