Inside a movie theater, people are filing to their seats just as the house lights begin to dim for the first reel of coming attractions.

"Excuse me... excuse me... get out of the way... I'm handicapped... HELLOOOO? Crippled here. Move so I can go up front, it's my right as a cripple."

Bilbo Blumpkinz slowly drifts down the aisle on his way to the handicapped spaces at the front of the theater's stadium seats. His motorized chair bumps into several people on the way, drawing yelps and cries of pain. One skinny blonde girl starts crying when Bilbo's sweet custom tank treads roll over her flip flopped foot.

"Yeah that's why you don;t wear flip flops in public you trailer trash hoebag!"

Bilbo's voice is muddled by the mouthful of extra buttery popcorn that he's shoved into his gaping mouth. Several kernels have spilled out of the giant tub on his lap down around his own flip flops.

"Unless you're handicapped."

Bilbo finally reaches the handicap seating space and crams his chair in sideways, taking up the entire double space by parking i it horizontally. This is because Bilbo's spine and body are so ridiculously twisted that his 'forward' is really 'sideways.'

"If any of these rude normies made me miss the opening credits I swear to Black Jesus I will up and stab a bitch in this movie theater."

Bilbo shoves another fistful of popcorn into his mouth and almost immediately begins choking. Because of his medically unique double-cleft palate, it's extremely easy for him to choke on solid foods, which is part of the reason he sticks to bodily fluids like semen. Not because he's gay. He's not gay. It's just a rich source of protein and it happens to be better warm.

Bilbo starts hacking and coughing in his chair, waving his arms in the air like a little kid being attacked by a shark or a catholic priest. Eventually, a slender brunette woman rushes over and grabs him under his arms from behind.

"Don't worry, I'm a CNA!"

She performs the Heimlich maneuver flawlessly, and at least 37 pieces of popcorn erupt from Bilbo's gullet, along with a ribbed condom. Orange.

"More like SEE DEEZ NUTS! Get your hand off me, rapist! I don't want your yeasty clunge off of me, breeder! I'm crippled! HELP SOMEBODY! THIS FREAK IS ASSAULTING ME WITH HER WAGON RUT! #METOO!"

"Jesus!"

The woman exclaims as she lets go of Bilbo, backing away.

"I was trying to help you, asshole!"

"Yeah, she saved your life!"

This second voice comes from a handsome hard bodied man who has come to stand beside the woman. When Bilbo sees him, his eyes go wide and he smiles like a kid on Christmas morning except for the ones attacked by catholic priests. But maybe some of them, too.

"Who... who are you?"

"I'm her boyfriend, you creep. Apologize to her or I'll knock you out of your chair!"

"David, no... he's challenged."

David looks at the woman, presumably named Taylor. Most basic white girls are eitherr Taylors or Mikaylas.

"You're right, Mikayla, I'm sorry."

Shit.

"It's okay. Let's just watch the movie."

The pair start to walks away, but Bilbo hooks one of his flipper hands into Mikayla's regular human hands.

"Wait... don't go. I'm the one who should be apologizing like a dumb , not David. David is a dream boat. An angel sent from heaven. He didn't do anything wrong except get me harder than I knew how to handle. Please... accept my apology and have some popcorn."

"Oh, um... that's sweet but I don't..."

"NOT YOU, PISSFLAPS! I'm offering David some popcorn. I was out of line and I want to make it right."

"Hey bro, don't call my girlfriend 'pissflaps,' you hear me?"

"Hanging... on... every... word. Please, I'm handicapped. I can't be held accountable when I do bad things, because that's illegal. I'm a protected class. You have to cater to me or run the risk of being unwoke. You're woke, right David?"

"Well hell yeah I'm woke! I have way too many followers on social to not be!"

"See? So it's not my fault."

"Yeah... yeah I guess you're right."

"And your girlfriend's name is Pissflaps now."

"Shit. Babe, I'm sorry, but you heard what he said. You and your nappy dugout has to go sit over there and wait while I eat this popcorn."

"I... I know. Me and my filthy tackle box will be over there."

Pissflaps points to some area out of frame, no one really cares where.

"Hurry and finish so you can come knuckle grind my chia hole."

"For sure."

'Flaps leaves, and David holds his hand out for some popcorn.

"My bad man. She's not as woke as me. I'd love to have some popcorn."

"Oh shit, sorry nigga. My hands are like lobster claws. You gotta grab that shit yourself. Don't worry though, it's a huge bucket, right here on my lap. Dig in!"

David rolls up the sleeve of his short sleeved polo, because this is a really big bucket of popcorn. Moment's later he's shoulder deep and fishing around like a former altar boy trying to find his innocence. Please don't ask why I keep bringing that up, I'm not ready to talk about it. He stops, then bolts his head upright to stare directly into one of Bilbo's eyes. The one that drifts a little less.

"Wait... is that your dick?"

"Sure is."

Bilbo strokes David's hair. Then an usher shows up, shining his flashlight into Bilbo's other eye.

"Sir, I told you earlier you have to leave. This is Jumanji, and it's noon."

"I'M HANDICAPPED!"

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"Hey Sammy and whatever the other one's name is. You're both trash. Suck this dick you lame-ass wannabe gangstas. Real thugs would throat rape you in the intersection of Harlem Street and Compton Avenue, you worthless cucks. I bet you thought me and Seabiscuit were just going to no show on you like we always do, but nah. You guys make me so mad that I stopped watching Dance Moms and stretching out my urethra with different gauges of catheter to roll up and call you a bitch. You know why? Because you look like another guy I knew once who pretended he didn't know he was black just so he could say racist stuff and get away with it. That shit's so lame and unoriginal it makes my one testicle ache. That's right, I have one ball, and I'm going to lay it on the bridge of your nose and make you inhale my taint stank after knocking you the fuck out. Take off that sweater vest you dumb homo, so when I let loose with my Viagra-flavored nutwash I can draw the words 'UNORIGINAL COCK PUPPET' on your chest using my noodle as a paintbrush like Bob Ross painting happy little clouds. I AM GOING TO CUM ON YOU. Bitch. I bet you take more dicks than Chris Chaos when he goes to Ybor City, where he totally really lives and isn't lying at all. Be better, or you'll never get a commemorative patch on the AIDS quilt.




Also, I'm not gay."

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