Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep







CRASH!!!!








THUD!!!



As the camera slowly comes into focus we see what was 30 seconds ago an alarm clock but is now a pile of broken plastic and electronic parts. Over to the left half on and half off a broken down and disgusting looking couch is a body. The identity of that body is a mystery until a small dog, specifically the dog belonging to Jim Caedus walks over and starts licking the hand that is hanging off the couch and resting less than an inch from the floor. After about 10 seconds of licking the arm starts to twitch. Eventually, the person on the couch rolls over suddenly, scaring the dog back a few paces and triggering him to start barking. And not a loud strong bark but a high pitched yippy bark that makes real men, men with testicles instantly angry. Why Jim Caedus, resident XWF bad ass and leader of Apex has a yippy dog is anyone's guess and maybe one day you the viewer will get an answer but for now, just know that Jim Caedus' dog is one you would generally see carried in little handbags by skinny white bitches on Rodeo Drive. Not owned by big burly men with beards.

Anyway...

With the dog continuing to bark the man on the couch, a half-asleep Drew Archyle reaches out onto the floor trying to find something, anything that he can use to throw at the dog but finding nothing. Finally resigned to the fact that there is nothing within arms reach Drew takes the pillow out from under his head and tosses it at the dog. Missing it completely.

Go away!!!


Of course, the dog doesn't listen because dog's don't speak human duh...but more to the point dog's give zero fucks what anyone that isn't their owner has to say to them. Especially some rando crashing on a crusty old couch.


I swear to God if you don't stop barking I'm going to chop you into little pieces, cook you and eat you with some lo mein. GO AWAY!!!!! Drew yells again, this time more violently than before. And again the dog doesn't care.


Finally fed up Drew rolls off of the couch and crashes onto the floor. He reaches out and attempts to grab the dog, coming up a few inches short. The dog in a show of dominance takes a step forward and attempts to bite Drew's outstretched fingertips but misses. And just as he does Drew quickly lurches forward towards the dog and grabs hold of it by the neck. Drew then stands up, holding the dog in the air a few inches from his face.


Got you now you little bastard. I hope you're not claustrophobic.


Drew walks over towards the kitchen, opens the microwave door, puts the dog inside of the microwave and then slams the door shut.


Good riddance.


Of course, being trapped in the microwave doesn't stop the little yippy shit from barking but it does lower the decibel level considerably. With the dog finally out of the way Drew walks over to the kitchen table, opens up a box of old pizza and yanks out a cold slice.


A lovely cheese pizza, just for me.


Drew inhales the pizza like Bearded War Pig inhales Marine Cock! Oorah!!


Jim? Bob? Where the fuck are you guys? Drew asks allowed as he surveys the rest of the first floor. Kayla? Kayle's loser boyfriend? Anybody?


Drew turns around and smiles right into the camera.


I made my homies disappear.








As the realization sets in that Drew has the house to himself he decides to take advantage. The first thing he does is take a nice, long, hot, shower. And by long we mean longer than it takes for Bearded War Pig to bang a whore, so like a two-minute shower. Once out of the shower Drew puts on a puffy white robe, presumably belonging to Jim Caedus. Drew then shaves and brushes his teeth using tools that of course do not belong to him. Drew grabs a hand towel off the back of the bathroom door and starts using it to lightly dry off his scrotum. He's mid-motion when he is interrupted by a banging at the door.


Jeez. What's a guy gotta do to get some peace and quiet around here?


Drew walks out of the bathroom, down a huge flight of stairs and over to the front door just as the banging starts up again. Drew takes a look through the peephole. When Drew sees who is on the other side he instinctively takes a step back and pauses for a second. He looks through the peephole, again and again, backs away.


THUMP THUMP THUMP!!!

Naples Island Police Department. Is anyone there? The person on the other end shouts through the door.

Fuck! The fuzz!


Drew dives onto the ground and starts to slither along the floor like a snake until he makes his way out of the camera's view.

The banging continues for another minute or so before the Officer gives up and leaves without saying another word.


Ok. No Jim. No Rob. No problem. This is Jim's house, I have to defend it! Which by the way Jim, wherever you are, we gotta have a talk. I wanna know how a guy who looks homeless has a house with a dozen rooms.


Drew pushes himself up against the wall into a seated position and then using the wall for leverage pushes himself up to his feet. He then pulls his robe closed and then ties it shut before once again disappearing out of the camera's view.

A few minutes pass, probably about five and Drew returns to the dining room. Using his left arm he pushes everything on the table off onto the floor. Most of it breaks upon impact and some of it, the non-glass and porcelain items just bounce around the floor. Drew places what appears to be a rolled up white towel onto the table. He unrolls the towel and then with a fat tip black magic marker starts mapping out Jim's home with various booby traps.


This all feels so familiar.


With everything, all mapped out Drew realizes one very important detail that had thus far escaped him...he's wearing a robe. And only a robe. Realizing that while he enjoys the space and the air lightly touching his testicles as he walks it's probably better for all involved, especially the XWF cameraman that he is totally pretending isn't there if he were to put some clothes on.

Drew leaves his bath towel map behind and starts wondering the house looking for some fresh clothes. After a few minutes of snooping around Drew comes across a room that looks like something from an episode of Criminal Minds. Displayed on the wall, all connected like an intricate spiderweb by some yarn is a series of pictures and documents of The MotherFuckers. At the center of the web is, of course, a big picture of Robbie Bourbon.


Jesus Christ Jim, and I thought I was paranoid.


Sprawling out from that center picture are pictures of Bearded War Pig, The Engineer, Madison, and a stable of people who all appear in Robbie's promos include a not so flattering picture of a women, allegedly. A woman named Blue. Under the picture, it says "Robbie's Girlfriend."...





Robbie, your girlfriend...woof.


Drew continues to look around at the spider web of craziness. Drew follows one particular string down from Robbie and attached to the string is a CD. Written on the outside of the CD is "Robbie Promo - 12/13/17". Drew takes the CD off the wall and slips it into a DVD player a few feet away. He then grabs a remote and fires up the TV.

A few minutes later.

Huh...well...that was a whole lot of nothing. I mean there was a lot of speaking but not a whole lot of real substance. That's disappointing. I had assumed that the guy currently carrying around an XXL version of the Universal Title would be able to cut a good promo, hell even a mediocre promo would have sufficed but instead, I got that...abortion.

Racism? That's the absolute best that Robbie Bourbon could throw at me? Racism? And not even a claim based on anything I've ever actually said or done but because I supposedly support Robert Main who may once upon a time said something racist? And that's not even an admission that he did. I've been in jail for the last two years so I can't really speak to what Rob has or has not said but the whole notion that someone is guilty by association? That's where we are going? Ok, Robbie then I guess you are a racist, homophobe and apparently you think it's ok to treat women like property since you know, Bearded War Pig is your buddy and all and he does all three of those things on a daily basis. Now you see how absolutely that sounds? I would hope so. But it wouldn't shock me if you didn't. It seems like your go-to tactic for trying to win the war of words is to throw as much shit at the wall and see what, if anything sticks. Well Robbie, keep eating those grease covered nachos because you're gonna need to sling some more shit at the wall after that mess. Hell, I've seen monkeys do a better job of tossing shit on a wall and getting at least some of it to stick.

Monkeys Robbie.

Monkeys.

I expected better from you Robbie. I really did. You know what they say after all. Those who are fat as shit shouldn't stand on glass scales...no wait...that's not it. Ahhh forget it, you get the point.

Most talked about superstar in the federation? Come on Robbie you aren't even the most talked about wrestler in your own crew and you know it. Robbie Bourbon despite being the Universal Champion you barely rate. I've heard the guys in the back, some of then don't even want to bother facing Engy because they think it's a lost cause but you? They'll gladly take a shot at your overrated and overweight ass. That is if you ever actually signed up to take part in a show. Seriously, you've been the champ two months now and you've had one title defense. One? Against Peter Gilmour of all people. Might as well have just defended the title against a parking cone. Some man of the people you are. Won't even wrestle for your fans. Your higher power. Higher power? Please. We all know that your higher power is greed. Greed and jelly donuts.

What happened Robbie? You used to wrestle all the time. You used to put on a show for the fans, your fans...supposedly. Now you go out there, win the Universal Title by the skin of your oversized ass and now you wrestle once every 6 weeks? Sure you may have earned the right to wrestle part-time as the head dick cheese around here but that doesn't mean you have to do that. Aren't you supposed to be better than that Robbie? You know, for the fans that you love and adore so much.

Meanwhile Across Town

I can help the next person in line. A young female barista stationed behind the counter yells out to the line of customers across from her.


Stepping forward into the camera's view is Jim Caedus and Robert Main.


Yeah hi hun! Three large coffees and...

Make one of them a decafe! Please and thank you!

You drink decafe bro?

Not for man! It's for Drew! The last thing that guy needs is more caffeine! He bounces off the damn walls as soon as he crawls out of bed!

Ain't that the truth.

Will that be all gentlemen?

I'll take a bran muffin and for my friend here...

Blueberry bagel, light cream cheese and I guess a plan bagel sliced, please.

Three large coffee's, one decafe, bran muffin, blueberry bagel with cream cheese and a plain bagel sliced. That will be $13.50. And can I have a name for the order, please?


Caedus.


Jim reaches into his pocket and pulls out a twenty dollar bill which he then hands to the woman opposite him. The woman taps a few buttons on the screen and then completes the transaction by handing Jim's change to him.


You can pick your order up down there. The young woman says as she points to a counter down at the end of the aisle.


The two men politely nod to the woman and then start down towards the counter. Robert then pauses turning back!

What you doing? Tell me your not! Yep, you are!

Jim, she gorgeous I just cannot resist!

Here we go!

Excuse me!

Yes?

How old are you darling?

I'm 23!

How exciting! Listen how about I take you out to dinner sometime? Jim and I are pro wrestlers for the XWF, and I don't want to brag or anything but he's one half of The Tag Team Champions and I'm The Hart Champion! Hey and if you have a friend Jimmy, here is always ready to have a good time!

Sure! Here's my number! 867-5309!


Robert places the number into his smartphone smiling


Oh, one last thing make sure you watch War Games live on pay per view! You can see Jim and I and our buddye Drew in the event!


Robert winks as he and Jim await their order!


Score again!

Single and ready to mingle Jimmy! Hey, I got you a date too!

What about Drew!

I think he's too occupied with my sister to think about another date!

Hey speaking of Drew, what do you think Drew is up to anyway?

Who knows! I'd imagine he's still sleeping! The amount of energy that guy burns in one day is phenomenal! He's got to rest at some point!

Back at Jim's crib

As the scene fades back into the interior of Jim Caedus' crib we see Drew Archyle pouring out giant bottles of canola oil onto the marble floor leading to the front door. All of the windows now have metal bars bolted to them on the inside. Don't ask us where they came from but given Jim's wall of weird upstairs, it's not out of the realm of possibilities that Jim has a hidden doomsday bunker on his property filled with all kinds of crazy shit in it that Drew is rummaging through like he was Robbie Bourbon at a Chinese Buffet.

Once all of the oil has been dumped out Drew casually tosses the bottles onto the flood and walks back over to the blueprint he drew out earlier on Jim's favorite white towel. You know the one with "Big Dick Daddy" monogrammed onto it in big gold lettering.

Drew crosses off a few of the booby traps that he's already set up and hones in on one more. Attaching Jim's king-sized mattress to some bungee cords that should someone try to access the back door the mattress will be flung out the window above the door, crushing anyone below.

Drew grabs a pile of bungee cords off the table, places them over his shoulder and heads upstairs out of the camera's view.

During the ensuing 20ish minutes or so a lot of thumping and crashing, clanging and banging can be heard. Possibly even a power tool or two. Drew finally makes his way down the stairs looking like he was just mauled by a tiger when suddenly the doorknob of the front door starts to jiggle. Sensing that the home is about to be invaded Drew hops the railing and takes position behind a ficus plant. Unfortunately for Drew, the plant is about 5 foot tall and pretty barren so basically Drew just looks like an asshole trying to hide behind an oversized toothpick.

The knob continues to turn until the locking mechanism engages and the door swings open. The first person who walks in is Floyd, Jim Caedus and by extension Apex's cameraman. Floyd takes two steps into the foyer before the canola oil does it job and sends Floyd flying through the air.

Floyd comes crashing down to the floor accompanied by a large thud. Using the palms of his hands Floyd attempts to push himself back up to his feet but the oil prevents him from getting a solid grip on the floor and so his feet and hands continue to slide around the floor like he were playing drunken twister. As Floyd continues to struggle with basic human movement Jim and Rob approach the house, stopping in the door frame.

Drew what the fuck?


Jim takes a few paces forward.


"What the hell _happened_ in here?? ......Drew??"

Remember when you killed all those yeti in China?

"That was _self-defense_."

Bingo. So was this.

"Jim...urgh...can you......can you give me a hand?"

"For fucksake Floyd, it's just oil, be a mMMAAAAA-"


Jim nearly eats shit losing his footing on the oil as he steps over Floyd. Robert stops in the doorway looking around for a few seconds before bursting out in laughter!


What is so funny bro?


Robert laughs out loud again!


All of this! Floyd film all of this! I'm going to watch it again! Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!


Floyd nods


"Dammit!"




-and continues into the house to survey the damage.










"What the fuck!?"















"What the _FUCK_!?"








"S'ok, this was already brok- Awwwww FUCK!!"










Meanwhile...Jim enters the kitchen, face contorted in anger. A flashing sensor from his state-of-the-art microwave catches his eye, he wanders over to investigate.


FOOD IS UNCOOKED


Jim's expression brightens as his stomach growls. We cut back to Drew and Main. Robert cannot stop laughing out loud!


This right here is priceless! Hell, I thought baking cookies naked was something! This, this right here is way above that!


"Oh sweetness! Did you start makin' some eats, Drew? I'll heat it up, munchies incoming my brothers!"


From the kitchen: the sound of time and power level being chosen.


BEEP BEEP BEEP


Aw shit...


BEEP WHIIIR- "AH!" BEEP CA-CHUNK

Bark! Bark!


OH SHIT! Floyd!!!! Please tell me your recording!


"DREEEEEEEEEEEEEW!!!"

Former:


w/ Robert "The Omega" Main and and James Raven "Apex" Longest reigning tag team champions in XWF history at 241 days.





February 2018 Superstar Of The Month
March 2019 RPOTM For Captain Americhyle - The First Apexvenger
Winning Team War Games 2017 w/Apex
XWF Federweight Champion