Vice president and occasional vampire hunter Mike Pence stands under the brilliant lights of a massive megachurch. He is overshadowed by tremendous screens displaying digitized images of Jesus' ravaged body on the cross. Before him, countless thousands of worshippers, packed in like they're at an arena waiting for a Sunday football game to begin. But no, this is a much more insidious and diabolical American tradition.

This, my friends, is Christianity.

My brothers and sisters, today is a day of great rejoicing.

Pence stands with his arms outstretched, basking in the adulation. His mouth creaks into a smile. His hair a coiffed cement bouffant that is as perfect as it is flammable.

For today, Christ has touched a man in that most sacred and holy of ways, entering into him and filling him with the warm light of his love and power. This man, after a lifetime of sin, has prostrated himself before the lord, offering himself unto him body and soul. So without further adieu, I give you the newest member of the Lord's flock....DEXTER BRIGHT!

The parishioners applaud as The Engineer takes the podium. The VP cedes it graciously. The Engineer is again dressed in decidedly un-Engy like fashion, actually wearing a crisp white suit with a red tie. The tie is so bright red it almost stands out like a swath of blood against the milky light of the rest of the fabric. The Engineer tips his head to Mike Pence as he takes his place in the front row. As the applause draws to a close, the Engineer leans into the mic.

First, let me start off by saying what an honor it is to surrender my whole.....**cough** **AHEM**.....excuse me....body to the Lord. Ya know, a year ago I never could have imagined myself in this spot. I admit, I didn't have much use for organized religion. I lived in circumstances that convinced me that if there was a God, he didn't much care for me. In fact, I was so keen on wallowing in self pity that I didn't realize that God wasn't the source of my troubles....I was! I made my own bed and tried to get the good Lord above to lay in it. I was so desperate to outsource responsibility for all my terrible decisions. But as you well know the Lord loves us so much he gave us the power of free will. The power to do both good and evil, unhindered by Him.

Of course, there is that whole Heaven and Hell thing we have to account for later...

This draws some good natured chuckles from the audience.

Mr. Vice President made mention of my lifetime of sin, and I ain't going to sit up here and blow smoke up ya, I was not a good person. Now, yes, I experienced horrific trauma and abuse as a child, but all the choices I made after that were MINE. My abusers didn't force me to do all those drugs and hurt innocent people and set cats on fire for sport, I was weak and I actively chose to do those things.

My deviant lifestyle came to a head this summer. I was....so, so lost. I was being forced to remember and accept the abuse I suffered. It wasn't easy. I broke. And all those demons, all those monsters in my head came racing to the surface. I even named those monsters. I named them AIWASS. A legion of beasts. A legion of pain and suffering.

But it's not real. Aiwass isn't real. Just like my incompetence and my childlike manner, Aiwass was a delusion I had cooked up to try to keep myself sane. More importantly, it was a fantasy other that I had fabricated to push all my sins and horrible secret desires onto. Because, hey, if Aiwass was the one making me do bad, I could still be a good person, right?

The Engineer shakes his head solemnly and grips the side of the podium.

It don't work that way though. I was the problem....DEXTER BRIGHT was the problem.

But I can change that. I'm changing that now. Thanks to my brother in Christ Mike Pence, I come before you all today a rejuvenated man! A NEW MAN! A man who has allowed Christ's warm essence to push it's way into my body and Lord, I AM OPEN! I AM OPEN AND READY TO TAKE ALL OF YOU INTO MY BODY! CAN I GET AN A-MEN!

Some of the people are starting to get energized. Engy receives a chorus of “Amens!” back. He smiles wide, his tongue flicking a way of speck of black ichor before it escapes out onto his chin.

But, just because I'm a good and God fearing man, doesn't mean I'm no longer a fighter! Whereas before, I fought for myself and for my own personal glory, now I shall stand resolute in the face of EVIL! As many of you may know, I am a wrestler, a professional fighter, in a promotion called XWF. Now I saw you may know of me FROM it, but if you refuse to watch XWF programming I cannot say I blame you. It is a cesspit of debauchery, and viciousness, and I know I can count on good God-fearing men and women such as yourselves to avoid giving in to your baser impulses to watch such filth.

The....”talent” that populates the XWF include some of the worst specimens humanity has to offer, people who have not just rejected the word of God but reveled in existing in the absence of his love. The Kings for example, lazy entitled, perverted despots, fiddling as Rome burns about them.

And so corrupt is this promotion that it features no less than THREE men who claim to be possessed by the devil! Can you believe the audacity! I mean, aside from the creative bankruptcy, to actively purport to associate yourself with the Lord of all Evil as a GIMMICK? It staggers the mind!

The Engineer is treated to some clucks of disapproval from the moralists in attendance.

Ladies and gentlemen, there is EVIL in this world. True EVIL. And the epicenter of that evil is XWF. But I'm not here to shock your senses and simply walk away, on no! I come bearing a solution and it is this: let me be your GOD WARRIOR. Let me wade amongst the filth and the detritus to take down these monsters, these liars and these heretics! LET ME BE THE SWORD UPON WHICH THE BODY OF DARKNESS IS BROKEN!

The Engineer's voice booms, and the gathering, already motivated, starts to buzz even more. More rise to their feet, arms in the air, humming and giving praise. From stage left, an alter boy comes bearing Engy's sword Kingbreaker. The boy can barely lift it, and it pulls a crease in the carpeting as he drags it over. The Engineer drapes it lazily over the top of the podium like a big fat swinging dick.

And there is one heretic in particular of which I speak: Robert Main. He openly blasphemes the faith, and declares without shame or abasement that he is a tool of the devil. What kind of man is this? No man, I say. NO MAN!

The Engineer lifts Kingbreaker up high, going all “By the power of Greyskull” on our asses. The light filtering through the intricate stained glass windows glints of the blade, furthering adding to the supernatural effect. The crowd starts to hoot and holler in adoration.

So, my brethren, as much as it may PAIN you to do so, tune in to the XWF, tune in to Wednesday Warfare to see me SMITE this abomination! And then continue to tune in as I carve a path of righteous divine fury through the rank and file of these heathens! And don't forget to order WAR GAMES on PAY PER VIEW this December! PRAISE BE UNTO HIM! PRAISE JESUS!

PRAISE JESUS! The masses chants echo inside the mega church as an organ begins to blare out Hallelujah. Engy continues to hold the sword aloft, beaming from ear to ear at the thunderous ovation of the people.

An Indeterminate Amount of Time Later....

The Engineer and America's sweetheart Madison Dyson are backstage, splitting a bottle of sacramental wine. The room they're in looks like a deluxe suite of sorts for VIP's, chock a block with expensive looking antique furniture. Engy rolls around his wine in his glass and muses aloud.

Madison, my dick was rock hard behind that podium. Like, you know when your dick is so hard, and there's so much blood rushing to it that you start to feel light headed?

No, I don't.

That's how hard my dick was. I could punch out a plate glass window and not suffer a scratch on the fuckin' thing. Why didn't you ever tell me being a demagogue was so awesome?

Madison takes a loooooong gulp.

Mmmm, I don't know. But I do want to thank you sincerely for placing a mental image in my head that I will only be able to blow out with a 12 gauge.

Cheers.

Phallic references aside, I do know what you mean. There's a certain sexual thrill that comes with seeding the minds of so many people at once with your own point of view, and watching it blossom in the form of wanton hatred and mass derangement. Communion wafer?

Don't mind if I do.

Madison passes Engy a silver tray with the body of Christ. He takes it and greedily scarfs down a handful of them.

So what's your angle here?

Angle?

Puh-leaze, Engy. You think I don't know the birth of a long con when I see one? What are you doing?

Right now? Wondering if the Body of Christ is made by the same fine folks who make Triscuits.

Madison rolls her eyes.

Oh, don't be so cynical! Maybe I've just reached a point in my life where I need some direction! Maybe I'm getting to that age where I start to wonder what comes after the big sleep, and I'm tabulating my net “naughties and nices” to make sure I'm not squaring off with an eternity of damnation! Or maybe I just, I don't know, like the cut of this Jesus guy's jib!

.....

...what?

Fine, fuck you, don't tell me.

I'm a good person Madison.

Fu-

Madison is about to cut loose another epithet when Mike Pence walks in the room. He's wearing odd glasses that have blinders built into the sides, like what they make horses wear during parades so they don't get spooked because horses are like nature's autists.

Dexter, my boy, they LOVED you out there! Such a rousing and moving speech.

Thank you sir, that means a lot.

You're quite welcome. Please come back any time. And, side bar....

Pence leans in towards Engy.

I've got a lead on another vampire coven, whenever your ready. They're based out of RIT and masquerading as some of those devil worshiping Dungeons and Dragons players, but I know better.

Just say the word sir, and I'll be there.

Madison, who has up until now been standing waiting with a scrunched expression on her face, just can't help it anymore.

Mr. Vice President, I have to say those are some unusual glasses your wearing. May I ask what they're for?

Oh, these? I wear these to prevent temptation. I forbid myself from looking at any beautiful women who are not my wife, and when I have these blinders on it helps me to avoid seeing things that could lead to impure thinking!

But you're looking at me sir?

Yes Madison, but your like 50, honestly now.

Madison's jaw hangs open in shock. Engy immediately stuffs more Jesus wafers in his face to choke back peals of laughter. Pence turns back to Engy and extends his hand. Engy shakes it.

I see great things in your future, Dexter. I'll see you soon, God willing!

Pence nods at a still aghast Madison and takes his leave. Madison is boiling over.

Mother FUCKER!!!

Engy can't hold it anymore. He explodes into hearty guffaws, spitting wafer everywhere.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Madison stomps towards the door and grabs for the handle.

Wait...WAIT....where are you going?

Definitely not to MOISTURIZE!

Madison storms into the hall, slamming the door behind her. Engy, still tittering with laughter, collapses into a red velvet couch. He grabs the bottle of communion wine and tops himself off. He takes a sip and allows himself a satisfied sigh.

You know what Robert, seeing this you'd be forgiven for thinking things may not be so bad here on the side of truth and justice. I mean, we got all the wine we can drink, beautiful buildings, cool hats, and a two thousand year old Christian guilt complex that you can invoke to get people to do whatever the hell you want.

Yeah, it's petty cool on the light side.

Anyhow, you may have heard me kinda throw you under the bus back there. Nothin' personal. But if I'm gonna get where I wanna go, you kinda need some dragons to slay, ya know what I mean? And don't get me wrong, I'm thankful to have a DRAGON. Because lately, my competition ain't been too, ehhhhhhh, COMPETITIVE. In fact, I ain't had a real honest to God (heh) challenge since I faced my fellow Motherfucker Jim Caedus. Since then, I've had, what? Chasm rolled over like a bitch for me, but that was to be expected. Then I faced almighty King John Samuels who promptly showed me his belly after BEGGING for an Xtreme championship shot. And shit son, last week Mercy literally did all the work for me. Normally I'm all for not having to work to get paid, but this is just getting BO-RING.

But then comes Robert Main. The man who runs with the devil. And, about that, have you considered a cease and desist against Unknown Soldier and Drake? Hate to break it to ya, but they're kinda runnin' the same....

Engy cants his head as though he heard something.

Oh, word? Huh. A little birdy told me that they were runnin' that shtick before you were. I guess that kinda makes you the hack?

Oh hell, I'm just talkin' trash Bobby, ya know, getting' this train rollin'! Don't mind me....don't mind me....

But something does bother me about all this wearin' your evil on your sleeve business. You ever hear that old adage “The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he doesn't exist?” It makes a lotta sense though. I mean, for the devil to be effective it's kinda important that nobody sees him coming, right? But there you are, communing with your demonic master for all the world to see and bagging on the largest organized religion in the western world like it's goin' outta style.

So now that we're on the topic of end games, Bobby, what does that make yours? The world's most obvious anti-Christ? Or did you just run outta gimmicks to set yourself apart so you thought dealin' with the devil would make people stand up and take notice? Maybe pad out some of those rambling overlong promo's with something people MIGHT actually give a shit about.

Maybe next week you can continue your spiritual journey to find another long lost artifact. Hopefully you don't run into Jim Caedus, because he'll probably stomp a hole in your guts for stealing his angle too.



He drains the remainder of his holy wine.

But I know what you're thinkin' Bobby. You're thinkin' ol Engy's a big old hypocrite. After all, wasn't it just a couple short months ago that I was being tempted by my own personal demon? So let me head you off at the pass Bobby. It's true. I was.

But I was a weak man back then. A weak man with a broken brain trying to make sense of unspeakable childhood abuse. I was a CHILD, Bobby.

1 Corinthians 13:11: “When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I set aside my childish ways.”

Bobby, I don't need to rely on childish supervillain bullshit to have an identity anymore. I am Dexter Bright. I am The Engineer. I am a Kingslayer and a KING. I have accepted the light of Jesus into my life and I am waging war on the malignant tumors that infect our culture and our public discourse. And right now, that includes you.

It's time to grow up Bobby. Stop this try hard “be the bad guy” bullshit. GROW UP. I did. And look at me now.

I know you'll have plenty to say Bobby, and I look forward to it. I really do. And I'm hoping that maybe I can make you see the light before it's too late. I'd even go as far as saying that once upon a time you'd have made a hell of a Motherfucker. But right now, you got a lot of growin' up to do.


Engy leans back on the couch, taking one final look around the room. As he does so, a black line of ichor streaks out of the corner of his eye. He blinks it away, but it still cascades down his cheek. He rubs it with his thumb and looks at it for a moment. He stands, and in so doing his reflection is caught in an antique mirror hanging just above the sofa.

And you could swear that there was something hanging over his shoulder. An inky blackness, with one hand forming into outstretched clawed fingers....

The shot cuts to static.