We open inside a New York City hotel room. You can tell it's the city thanks to the gaudy blinking homage to capitalist excess that is Time's Square just outside the window. Madison is there, standing in front of a bureau with a mirror putting on some earrings. Engy is laying on Madison's bed, trying to read one of those travel guide magazines that come in every hotel room, but judging by the fact that he's holding it upside down he's failing pretty hard.

Oh, and there's a judge there as well. As in, an old white dude with a gavel and a black moomoo kinda judge.

Why is that guy here again?

Madison turns from the mirror and almost seems startled that the judge is sitting there.

Holy shit, you were so quiet I forgot you were there.

Madison shoots a glance at the camera. The camera guy gives her the universal signal for ready to roll.

Hello XWF universe, lotta big things happening for America First right now! Busy, busy, busy! I'm sure you've seen in the news that racial tensions in this country are reaching a boiling point. And I don't know about you, but what I've seen has absolutely disgusted me! I mean, it's just absolutely soul crushing to see just how hard Fascism has fallen on it's ass. White supremacy in this country used to MEAN something. Now it's just doughy nerds from 4Chan waving around Tiki Torches and wearing cheap Wal-mart brand polo shirts that they probably had to have their mommies iron for them! It's unbelievable! Somebody needs to whip these weak little shits into shape, and that somebody is ME! So I'm gonna busy for the next few days, which means that Engy is.....

Madison looks back at him. Engy wipes a booger on the travel magazine. She winces and turns back to the camera.

....well, there's no good way to say this. But Engy's on his own for a little while. I asked the secret service to watch him, but they want nothing to do with him anymore, and all my other options turned up jack shit. I even asked the cops if they would be willing to lock him up for the next 72 hours for one of the many crimes he's committed on camera that got handwaved away and they hung up on me. Soooooo...yeah. I decided to bring him to the Big Apple because it's easier for crazy people to get lost in the shuffle and it's far, far away from my house.

Which brings me to this guy.

Yeah, this guy!

Engy sits up on the bed and tosses the boogery travel magazine at the judge. He throws his arms up a second too late and it smacks him in the face.

Panzer, I'd like you to meet Surrogate court Judge William Strong. Judge Strong here is the man who officially made me Engy's legal gaurdian. Isn't that right?

Judge Strong looks nervously at Engy.

I did. And I'll never forget it. Engy kept showing up in my courtroom for weeks afterwards, acting as his own attorney because he thought he was being charged with something. Plus, I'm pretty sure he's the one who mashed up that dead cat and stuffed it in my tailpipe.

Oh, so you did find that. Sweet! Wait till you see what's in there this time!

The judge shudders.

And being Engy's legal gaurdian, I can speak on his behalf anytime I want. Hell, I can even make medical decisions for him, including pulling the plug on his comatose ass whenever I see fit.

Hell yeah!

That's not a good thing.

Plugs rule.

So basically, anything I say on Engy's behalf should be treated like Engy himself is saying it. Not to mention the fact that I'm also his manager, and a manager's job is to speak on behalf of their clients. So eat a dick, Panzer. You would have been better off not saying anything at all, because by trying to tiptoe around my claims instead of refuting them, you basically just tacitly admitted I'm right about everything I said about you. And considering you dropped two more turdlets consisting of straight-up pedophilia and incest, well, I'd say your honeymoon period is over. You have nothing interesting to say, so you're just trying to substitute whatever Dada-ist offensive verbal diarrhea pops into that mescaline addled brain of yours hoping everyone will be too offended to notice that you SUCK ASS at this.

Fuck you. You're not getting past Seth and everyone knows it. Kill yourself.

Yay!

Engy throws his hands triumphantly in the air.

Now, I've got shit to do. You won't see me again for three more sun-ups. I want you back in this hotel room by then, or else I'm telling the world you still sleep with a My Little Pony doll, and don't think I haven't noticed that hole you cut in it's ass. Don't kill anyone, or if you do, make it someone disposable like an average looking hooker or another person with a disability.

Jesus Christ, I'm right here!

Engy walks over to the judge and wraps an arm around his shoulders in a threatening side hug.

You silly man, we're wrestlers. We're above the law!

It's true, there's been upwards of like 30 murders in the King of the Ring promo's alone.

You people are animals...

Ok now, byyyyyyeeeeeee!

Madison waves at Engy as she departs. She hastily shuts the door behind her. Engy looks at the judge, and the judge tenses up, expecting something awful.

Can you gimme a ride?

Later....

Hey, sorry I'm late but my ride had a dead trash panda mashed up in his tailpipe.

Engy walks through the door of what looks to be a posh nightclub. Inexplicably, the bouncer gives him no issue getting in. In fact, he tips his hat cordially at Engy as he's on his way through. A tall black woman with a massive blond wig and a chintzy glistening dress runs up to Engy as fast as she can in her bright red stilletto heels.

Engy, my boo!

Engy and the woman exchange pecks on the cheek. When the woman pulls away, an errant light from the dance room floor reveals her to, well, maybe not exactly be a woman, per se. But he/she is.....

RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE SEASON 8 WINNER BOB THE DRAG QUEEN!!!



Damn girl, you still lookin' good!

You know it baby. Come over here and have a drink with Bob and tell me all 'bout it.

As Engy and Bob The Drag Queen make their way to the bar, it becomes immediately obvious that it's a gay bar. It's all toned, glittery, gyrating male torso's as far as thee eye can see. The club is pumping out fierce techno beats and the dance floor is packed with sweaty, grinding man bodies.

Bartender, I'll have a Cosmo. Engy, what you want?

A Schlitz!

Some things never change!

Bob adjusts the hem of his skirt and pulls one athletic looking leg over the other.

It's been a minute. What you been up to? Still doin' the wrestlin' thing?

Oh yeah! I'm doin' real good too. I'm gonna be King of the Ring and Xtremes Champion!

Well that sounds good! I'm very happy for you. But, we all know you only come to see Bob when you got a problem, so there must be something bothering you.

A buff shirtless bartender brings over their drinks. Engy looks up.

Hey, nice abs. You must work out!

Recognition registers on the bartender's face, and he moves as quickly as he can to serve another customer. Engy cracks open his can of Schlitz, takes a swig and then wipes his mouth with the back of his sleeve.

Yeah, you right. I got a problem. Madison thinks I'm gay and that I got the hots for this other guy in the King of the Ring thingie.

Bob The Drag Queen smiles knowingly.

Hmmmmm. And DO you have the hots for this guy?

Hell no! I'm not gay! I LIKE TITS!

Engy, we've had this talk before, boo. If you ain't Gay why do you keep comin' back here? I mean, you do it at least once a year, sometimes more!

Nuh uh! Last year I only came here once for that 9/11 fundraiser thing!

Twink Towers?

Ba dum tish.

The point is though Engy, why come here at all if you ain't gay? I mean, this IS a gay bar.

Engy's eyes go wide with terror and he almost falls off his chair.

WHAT?!! I THOUGHT THIS WAS A GYM!

A gym?! How in the world...?

I thought all these guys come here to burn off calories by dancin' around! I hear guys workin' out in the bathroom all the time, gruntin' and moanin' in the stalls. Sometimes two of 'em at once!

Engy, you volunteer to oil guys up for our summer slip and slide spectacular every year!

I WAS JUST TRYIN' TO HELP! SHIT! Ya know, you don't realize it, but you got it easy! Nobody ever asks no questions about a straight lady's sexality!

Bob bites his bottom lip and glances awkwardly away from Engy.

Ya, we gonna have to talk about that sometime. But anyway, it's like this boo. You need to be true to who you are or else you're gonna live a life time of regret. Decades worth of “What if's?” or “What coulda been's?” Do you want to live like that?

Engy sighs and rests his chin on the bar top.

No, I guess not.

Well then, we need to get you a definite answer as to whether you like boys or girls.

How do we do that?

I got an idea. But you'll have to be open minded.

A little later...

We go to Engy, who is seated on the toilet in a bathroom stall. He's looking a little annoyed.

HOW IS THIS GONNA HELP ME FIGURE STUFF OUT?!

Bob calls out to Engy from outside the stall.

Just hold on a second!

Engy's puts his face in his hands and starts to sulk. He kicks a roll of toilet paper at his feet absent mindedly, causing it to unfurl under the stall door.

So wrapped up in his ennui is Engy, that he doesn't notice the shadow of a mighty wang starting to pass through the hole in the stall's wall.

The shot cuts to outside the stall, where Bob is standing just outside the door waiting, and a leather bear is sticking his dick inside the glory hole.

Okay Engy, now just do whatever comes natural honey!

At first, nothing happens. The bear looks over at Bob expectantly and Bob shrugs his shoulders. Just then, the bear returns his attention to the hole. He smiles, clearly some action is starting to happen!

Oooohh, welcome to the club, Engy!

But then the Bear is tugged into the stall wall. He starts to look confused. And then he's pulled by the dick again, harder this time. So hard his lets out an “OW!” as his face smacks against the steel.

Engy, is everything all right in there?

And that's when the bear starts screaming. Like bloody murder screaming. He places the palms of his hands on the stall, trying to push himself away, but he's still trapped by the dick and can't escape. Bob puts his well manicured hands to his mouth, horrified by the spectacle. A splatter of blood hits the floor inside the stall and rolls down the inverted tile into a drain. Bob screams himself now. And then the bear screams again. And then Bob.

Finally, the Bear collapses against the stall out of pain or shock or some combination of both. Engy throws open the stall door, his mouth ringed with blood. Bob looks terrified. Engy runs up and grabs Bob by the shoulders and he looks....happy?

Bob! You did it! I KNOW I'M NOT GAY NOW!

Flecks of blood splatter onto Bob's face from Engy's lips.

Wha...? Oh....oh my Lord JESUS....!

Yeah! I know what's goin' on now! I'm not gay....EVERYONE ELSE IS GAY! And they're tryin' to trick me into bein' gay by showin' me their tight bellies and nice asses and puttin' their dicks in my face and sendin' me psychic signals durin' matches that makes my dick do that kinda hard but not fully erect thing. It's not my fault, it's their fault!

Bob can't take the stress anymore and he passes out. Engy doesn't catch him in time and he hits the floor with a loud smack. Engy looks over at the bear, who is also unconscious and whose crotch is a mess of gore.

I should probably get the fuck outta here....

Engy bolts for the door.

Still a little while later....(last one, promise!)

Engy's back in his hotel room, peering out the blinds. He has a kitchen knife cradled in his free hand. Finally, he lets the blinds snap back closed and he looks at the camera.

Don't mind me. Just keepin' a looksie out for the 5-0. But I think I'm good. They're probably all at that rally Madison started. So, this is the part of the promo where we talk about why we hate each other Seth. And I gotta admit Seth, you almost got me! I almost DIDN'T hate ya! Oh, ho, ho....you been pullin' the ol' wool over Engy's eyes. But I sees it now.

How you never said nothin' mean about Engy. Not like all these other guys. They ALWAYS make fun a me. I thought maybe we was just cool, ya know. Maybe even friends. But Engy don't got no friends and sometimes I forget that. Because a “friend”...

And yes, he does the air quotes.

...is really just another word for someone tryin' TA FUCK YOU IN THA ASS! YEAH, that's right! I'm on to ya Seth! YOU WANNA FUCK ME! You wanna bring me in the gay club and give me my rainbow t-shirt and Cher discography and I ain't havin' it, ya hear!

You are one evil fuck, Seth. Prolly the worst a the bunch. Not only do you got more money than me, not only do ya got the connections, and not only can you go into nice places without people screamin' “Look at all the blood!”, but now ya gotta have my asshole too?! FUCK YOU SETH!

Plus, you goin' around pretendin' you don't have magic powers, but if there's one thing I learned about XWF it's that everyone's got magic powers! Trax has aportation, Jenny Myst has boobs, Brucette can grow a vagina from a penis, and Panzer has the power to suck harder than the rest a the roster put together. And you?

You keep puttin' gay thoughts in my brain!

I mean, how else do you explain all those thoughts I got about you standin' under a waterfall with the crisp clean water washin' over your body, causin' it to glisten under the summer sun. Huh? That ain't shit that I think about! Or when I get ta thinkin' about you layin' naked in my bed, with nothin' but a blanket teasingly coverin' your privates with a come hither look in your eyes! That ain't me!

So where the fuck that shit come from, eh? Yeah, I ain't THAT stupid. It comes from you! And I know you ain't usin' your powers on Trax and Panzer 'cuz I'm the other sexy **urp** one in this thing.

Engy lets out a Schlitz belch mid sentence.

I'd fuck me too, Seth. So how 'bout we stop it with all this super power shit and just handle this like MEN by rollin' around on a canvas half naked, trying to restrain each other by pressin' our bodies together as tight as we can. Nothin' gay about that at all. Come at me bro!

Engy cuts another huge Schlitz belch as we fade to sweet merciful back.