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The Engineer · (06-19-2017)

The shot opens on Engy. He's laying down stomach first on a hill in a large park somewhere. His legs gently kicking back and forth, his head propped up in one hand as he holds out a picture of something in his free hand.

*Sigh*

The shot pans back a little further to reveal a stoic secret service agent, his dark suit incongruous with the relaxed park setting. He's wearing tinted shades betraying nothing, but stands at the ready next to Engy, a loyalist to the end following Trump's executive order to the letter.

Hey, uhhhh, what's your name?

Agent Bob Collins, sir.

He dutifully reports his name for the 12th time today.

Agent Bob Collins Sir, how do you know when you're in love?

Agent Bob Collins looks down at Engy, still not betraying anything. He musters up an answer as best he can.

Well, I'm, er, not an EXPERT per se, but I would guess it's when you can't see yourself living without someone.

Yeah, that sounds nice. One more thing, what do ladies like more than anything in the world? Like, as a gift?

I don't know if what a lady likes most is necessarily something you need to buy them. Why, sometimes all it takes is a warm embrace from behind as she gazes out the window longingly at the gentle snowflakes hitting the pond, or a comforting word in her ear as she feels her world crashing down. Just you, letting her know everything will...

That sounds great and all, but Trump is giving me and Madison a shit ton of money and I wanna buy her something.

The agent is suddenly snapped out of his poetic waxing.

They say diamonds are a girl's best friend.

Engy snaps to his feet.

Then to the diamond store!

The camera swings around so that we can finally see the image he's holding lovingly in both hands. It is, in fact, a picture of Reeve Alexandra Gordon.

Reeve, you're gonna be the blingest girl at the dance!

Some time later....

Engy and Agent Bob are inside a jewelry store. The very prim blonde employee at the counter is desperately trying not to smell Engy, and by the looks of her expression she is failing. Engy is momentarily distracted by one of the many flies circling his orbit. It lands on the glass case and he brings his palm down on it, smearing bug guts all over the display.

How 'bout that one?

The woman smiles the biggest fakest smile she can.

Oh, yes that one is beautiful. But it's two thousand dollars. Perhaps we should look at the case over here...?

Engy reaches into his heavily stained jacket and drops a wad of messy and unsorted bills on the counter.

Listen lady, I got fat stacks of cash and the prettiest girl in the world to impress. So don't try to patronage me and show me the good shit!

She clears her throat nervously, and reaches into the display for the ring Engy had indicated. With a slight tremble, she brings it out and shows it to Engy, her body betraying the fact that she's clearly expecting him to take it and run. Engy takes it from her with a grubby hand and brings it up to his eye.

Hmmmm....I don't know. Agent Bob Collins Sir, what do you think?

Agent Bob walks over and takes a good look at the ring.

I think it looks quite lovely.

Yeah, I do too! I'mma take this and you can take all that cash.

Sir, there is like $5,000 here.

Huh? Oh, numbers suck and I don't have time for all that shit.

I can't just.....!

Agent Bob looks at her pointedly and just shakes his head “no”. Engy walks out the door with the ring.

More time passes, and we see Engy in a swanky hotel room, no doubt also paid for with your tax dollars. He's currently soaking it up in a heart shaped jacuzzi, admiring the ring he just purchased by pushing it down onto one of his stubby fingers.

Reeve, it ain't always easy for me to express my feelings. Usually I just act them out. Violently. Because all I usually feel is anger. But you? You make me want to be a better man! I mean, when I see a hot chick my first thought is always “I wanna goon her with my penis.” But with you, I wanna do more than goon you with my penis. You're the kinda girl a man wants to build a life with. Move into an apartment with. Have lots of neighbor bothering sex with. Usually we would get along but then you have that oopsie pregnancy. We have our first fight over that but baby, you know we're just not ready! The abortion is a tough sell but eventually you realize it's the right choice. So they scoop out all that baby gunk. I mean, do they use like a vacuum or an ice cream scoop or what...?

Engy squints, pondering deep thoughts. Just in the background we see Agent Bob Collins unfold a picture and get his first good look at Engy's amore. For the first time he betrays a hint of emotion, lowering his sunglasses to get a better look, casting his glance over at Engy, and then back at the camera. He raises his sunglasses up again and sighs.

What was I sayin'? Oh yeah. Reeve, I love you and I want to be with you forever. And I promise, one day, when we're ready we can make babies that don't have to get scooped out.

Agent Collins walks up behind Engy and begins whispering in his ear. Engy makes a series of faces, first a smirk, and then a frown, and then another smirk, and then a fart that bubbles up to the surface of the jacuzzi...and then his face just goes placid. Like, creepy placid.

Could you give me a moment alone please?

Agent Bob Collins practically trips over himself he's in such a hurry to comply. He heads out the door to the lavish room, closing it behind him.

And Engy just sits. Suds bursting against him. His expression carved out of granite.

Until he explodes.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!

He flails around in the tub, splashing water up and over the rim and all over the place. Finally, he clambers out, fully exposed in his speedo swimwear that leaves little to the imagination. He starts knocking over furniture, kicking decorative pieces like footballs. He pulls the microwave out of the kitchenette and heaves it through the window, causing an impressive outward explosion of glass.

This goes on for quite a while.

Finally, Engy exhausts himself. He sits cross legged in the middle of the decimated room, still wet from the jacuzzi and the exertion of trashing the place.

Reeve, I have just been informed that you have a wang. This was....this was.....unexpected. So, I'm afraid I'm going to have to break up with you. And murder you. And boy, you can't say you didn't have it comin'! Hooo hoooo hooo. Luring me in with the promise of real actual love, but little did I know, the entire time a dark shadow hung over my affections!

A dark shadow in the shape of a penis.

But hey! It's ok! The bright side is you can only die once. I wish you could die like thousands of times, but nope...just the once. Love sure does bite though. Hard. Through the flesh on your face. And over and over again until I hit bone.

He realizes he still has the ring on.

Keepin' this though. It's pretty.

Agent Collins calls out to him through the door.

Are you ok in there?

All set Bob! Just ducky! Why I couldn't be......FUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK!!!!!

Aaaaaaand he's trashing the place again.

Your move Reeve.

Cock tease.

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