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Cadryn Tiberius · **02-14-2017, 08:29 PM**

Eye Of The Tiber..

The scene opens to our hero inside a run down, dilapidated, old gym. It looks as though he's smacking a half empty punching bag with two set's of Dildochucks. A man with long, luscious, beautiful brown hair stands beside him.

A trainer, perhaps?

The camera zooms in and reveals that the person in question is actually..

Time out. I've been racking my brain to find someone hilarious and stupid to put in this situation with you. But then I realized, you don't need someone like yourself, you need a miracle to win this thing. I feel kind of sacrilegious putting Jesus in my material, so we're gonna go with the next best thing.

Here he is: The sweet tea swiggin', sophisticated southern gentleman, with the strength of ten men, the best man at Jesus wedding, the good reverend: Darren Zirado.

Darren: Boy, I don't really know what you want me to do. You sit here, and you insist upon swinging sex toys around like they're weapons. I asked you to put those away, and use your hands like a real man. Jesus ain't have no weapons when he fought for our sins, and died for them too, mind you.

Cadryn: Darren, sweetheart, I'm as weak as they come, at least physically. My beautifully crafted Dildochucks are the only thing that stand between me and a Katabis, or a Robbiebomb. It's pretty apparent that KJ is more concerned with everything else than with actually winning this match. I'm on my own..

Darren: Son, you're never alone. You will always have the light of the Lord shining down upon you.

Suddenly Darren takes a step back and begins clapping his hands and singing “Just A Closer Walk With Thee”.

What the hell is even going on right now..

“I am weak but Thou art strong
Jesus keep me from all wrong
I'll be satisfied as long as I walk
Dear Lord, close to Thee.“

Darren: Don't you see, boy? You need to learn to walk closer to the Lord, and he shall protect you from all those that intend to cause you harm.

Cadryn: Well, truthfully, I threw up in his hair. I don't think him and I can get much closer, at this point.

Darren: YOU DID WHAT?!

Darren steps forward and throws a stiff straight right into the side of Cadryn's jaw. The force of the shot was so intense, that it caused Fruity Pebbles to fly from Cadryn's Levi pockets and on to the ground. Cadryn falls backwards on to the ground.

Darren: Don't you ever disrespect our lord like that again, or there will be plenty more where that came from, partner.

It's a shame you're such a vagina, otherwise you'd get back up and whip that ass.

Cadryn still laying on the ground, still in shock from the blast, manages to sit up and utter a few words.

Cadryn: ...ow.

Okay, so maybe saying a few words was a stretch. Cadryn gathers himself and returns to a standing position. Not really doing much besides looking sad and broken. So, realistically, his typical look and demeanor.

Cadryn: I probably deserved that.

Darren: No, boy. You didn't deserve that. I was trying to teach you something. Life isn't always about sippin' tea and singing songs. Sometimes, you gotta fight back. You gotta push through the trash, and come out clean on the other side. You can't just lay down and expect life to take it easy on you. Do you think Jesus laid down and just took a whoopin for no reason? Hell no. Pardon my french. You gotta get back on that horse, and ride off into the sunset a winner!

Cadryn: I mean, I get what you're saying, Rev. But, at the same time, I'm not really a loser. I'm 3-0-1. Realistcally, I should be 4-0. But, that's neither here nor there. So, worst case scenario I end up being 3-1-1. Still a winning record, and still something to be proud of.

Darren: You're not real smart, are ya son? Those victories weren't victories. You beat a few no names and tied with a big name. So really, you ain't done squat that's even worth talking about. You best get mad, boy. You best fight back, because life ain't gonna take it easy.

Suddenly Darren lays another well placed punch upon Cadryns jaw. This one didn't seem to be as hard, or possibly Cadryn took it more like a man and less like a boy?

Cadryn: I'd really like it if you wouldn't do that. It's beginning to get old.

Darren: Does that make ya mad, boy? You ready to actually fight for something?

Again, Darren lays into Cadryn.

Cadryn: You're starting to irritate me, Rev. I'd suggest that be the last time you put your hands on me.

Darren goes to throw another forceful haymaker, but is stopped just shy of Cadryn's jaw. Cadryn has blocked a punch! Praise Jesus!

Cadryn: I warned you..

Cadryn lashes out with fury the likes of which we've never seen from our Cereal Killin superstar. Cadryn lands a helacious blow to Darren's chiseled, manly, well groomed, bearded jawline. Darren doesn't even flinch. Darren smiles from ear to ear and retaliates with a blow that sends Cadryn flying backwards into the punching bag and onto the ground once more.

HAH! I bet you thought he was going to come back and be some kind of Hulk-esque monster of a man, didn't you? Pfft, hell no. He's still a little vagina.

Cadryn: I never win at anything..

Darren: Son, I'm a very well rounded, very strong, immovable object with the power of Christ on my side. I applaud the effort though, it was very convincing if nothing else.

Cadryn: And that's the problem. I don't have the strength or the talent to beat those two.

Darren: Let me tell you something, Cadryn. You got a lot more down in there than you know. You gotta thing, beau. It ain't a great thing, but you got a thing. I mean, just think about this. Robbie doesn't have any self discipline, look at that mans waistline. All you gotta do is push his buttons, and he'll make mistakes. Mistakes you can capitalize on. Jim Caedus is blinded by sin, and hatred. You're an irritating little fella, for sure, so go out there and get under em' guys skin. Drive em' mad, throw em' off their game, and when their at their wit's end, when they just can't take anymore of your antics, surprise em' with your secret weapon.

Cadryn: My secret weapon?

Darren: Yeah, boy. Hit em' with that there superkick I taught ya.

Cadryn: That's not gonna work.

Darren: It will if you believe it will, and if you let our Lord and Savior into ya heart, son. If you walk the path of the righteous, you will be victorious. In this life, and in death. You'll ascend to heaven, and walk beside Jesus himself.

Darren: But first we gotta get rid of these evil things right here.

Darren grabs Cadryn's Dildochucks and rips them apart in a single stroke.

Cadryn: BUT THOSE WERE MY MOMS, YOU BASTARD.

Cadryn unleashes a flurry of strikes that surprisingly knocked Darren on his ass. Darren, smiles and looks up at Cadryn from the ground.

Darren: THAT RIGHT THERE, MY SON! If you bring that there power with you to the ring, the Bourben Men won't know what hit em'. My God, son. You might actually win this thing.

Will Cadryn actually pull out the victory over the Bourben Men and advance to round two of the Lethal Lottery? Tune in tomorrow night and find out!

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