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Chris Chaos · (10-02-2016)

The front door to condo 1003 opened, and Jenny Myst walked out wearing an oversized tee shirt and that is about it. That is NOT what she had arrived in. Behind her, Chris walked out wearing a skintight TapOut shirt and cargo shorts. His hair was pulled back. He had a duffel bag around his shoulder. He closed the door behind the two and locked it, testing the handle to make sure.

“Come on, I’ll walk you to your car”.

“Gentleman” Jenny said sarcastically, “I guess chivalry isn’t dead.”

God, he loved that attitude. These two were made for each other. Where was she in PW when he needed a foxy manager with a bad attitude? Then he remembered she was born in 1993. She was still in high school then. Holy hell.

When they reached her car in the parking garage, Chris noticed she parked next to his. He threw his duffel in the back seat and shut the door.

“Where are you off to, champ?” God he loved how that sounded. Especially from her.

“I have a little business to take care of. Don’t worry about me, just make sure your sexy little ass is ready to escort me to ringside Saturday Night for my Savage Title victory.”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

He watched as her car backed out, and part of him wondered what her drivers seat now smelled like…..

Back to reality. He had a job to do. He jumped in the Wrangler and backed out, heading out of the complex, off the beach and into Tampa. He was going to hit Interstate 4…...He was headed to Orlando.

_=-+-+-+-+-

The arena was empty, as he expected. Hell it was only Thursday. Orlando only had one sports team worth a shit enough to play in the Amway Arena, and they were in the off-season. Suddenly, the lights dimmed and Dolly Water’s music hit. After a brief pause, a man walked out onto the ramp. He had greasy, slicked back hair---or what was left of it. And a stupid little man bun ponytail thingy. He looked as though he hadn’t showered in weeks. On his wrist was a cheap looking gaudy fake watch. He had on a business suit, and a tie that was far too short. He waddled down the ramp with a stupid walk smiling and pointing to an empty crowd. He got into the ring and when the cameraman, who was paid overtime to be there---nice surprise for Vinnie Lane when payroll comes around----zoomed in on the face you could clearly tell it was not Paul Heyman. “Paul Heyman” had a mic in his hand.

“Ladies and Gentleman, my name…….is Paul Heyman……..”

He stood and waited for the boos that at this point were only imaginary.

“...and my client, Dolly Waters, has sent me here today to tell you that she has finally FOUND Nemo. Yes, you heard me clearly, she FOUND Nemo. Not Dory though. Fuck Dory. Nemo is where it is at. Also, my client wanted me to inform you that she has been a very good girl and finished all of her homework. Even though the match at Savage is past her bedtime, she WILL be there, in the flesh, and ready to meekly throw punches at the air hoping to hit something.”

Again he stood as though he waited for fake boos, which never came. Because, well, they were fake.

“My client, Dolly Waters, is the best of the best. She will prove it Saturday Night---she doesn’t want to get grounded, after all. Her psychopathic father has never amounted to anything and she wants to prove that she was the one sperm that worked! She is coming for blood, even though she just got it between her legs---I think, I’m not sure, but she has been rather bitchy lately---and she wants to make all of you her tampon! You are all Donkey Breath having, stinky short wearing, snot bubble blowing, toad licking scum scrapers! And you can quote me, Paul Heyman, through Dolly Waters herself, on that one!”

“And before you get the idea in all of your water filled heads that I am not capable of producing a mature insult that a man would use and instead reduced to be the messenger and whipping boy bitch for a spoiled brat who just learned how not to pee the bed---let me move on to some of the opponents in this match…...”

Again, pausing for imaginary boos.

“Kitt Kennedy, well, I have said my piece on him. But let me reiterate...he is an Irishman! Isn’t that bad enough! That is pretty much all I have to say about him! He is Irish, damnit, and that should be a crime! Listen, don’t worry if it is all bullshit and I don’t fact-check and I make claims about the Irish public school system I know nothing about! Don’t worry that I don’t make any sense in my cuss filled ramblings! I am Paul Heyman, and Dolly Waters is the greatest wrestler in the history of wrestling…...85 lbs or not!

And Kristen Silver…..psshht, Silver. Her last name is Silver! By golly, if she was any good, her name would be gold! Kristen Gold! She may have a decent record here, but she will never be the woman, yes I said woman, Dolly is. Her vagina probably smells like goat cheese!

And Nico Lavey! Ha! And Isabella Ravenwolf! They haven’t said a word yet, so I guess it is pointless to shoot on them….it’s not like they are actually fighting a match! I only talk about people who talk about me and my client first! That’s GREAT business! I am worth EVERY PENNY…..

But that brings me to the last competitor in the match…..Chris Chaos. This man is truly crazy, and has been quite the force lately. He gave Dolly her first wet dream! She lost her virginity to a mechanical bull on the farm in Kentucky, but if that didn’t happen she would have wanted it to be with Chris! A little anger bang, ya know? Hate fuck! She is going to fuck him up worse than he fucked up her father! He is, like I said before, an unimpressive, unoriginal blowhard who blows dogs for quarters and dreams of one day mustering the courage to do something productive rather than playing World of Warcraft! But don’t let me sway you! Let’s bring Dolly out here and she can tell you for herself! “

The music hit, and a little girl walked out. And boy was she little. The blonde walked to the ring, sheepishly. Getting into the ring, she began to suck on a stupid red lollipop.

“Dolly! Dolly! Tell them, tell them exactly what your thoughts are on Chris Chaos!”

He held the mic down for the little girl.

“He stupid! He burn my daddy! He big meanie face! I gonna bite him! Arrrrgh!”

‘Paul Heyman’ got on both knees before bowing to the young girl in the middle of the ring. She smiled and stood with one foot on top of the other. On his way up from his fifth bow he hoisted the girl on his shoulders, and she wailed, screamed, then peed. He delivered the….oh my god….was that….YES. The EQUALIZER. Pulling off the fake hair and ripping the suit he took the pillows under his shirt out to expose his TapOut shirt, it was Chris Chaos, standing there, in the middle of the ring. He kicks the girl under the rope and out of the ring. He brings the mic to his mouth….

“There is nothing I hate more than in-ring promos, I think they are corny and cheesy. That is so Attitude Era, and beyond played out. But I needed to address something I saw. Paul Heyman, that fat fuck, seems to be the mouth piece for that hormonal little cum stain Dolly Waters. Isn’t that cute. How much is he paying you to fuck you on the side? I heard he is Jewish, so probably nothing. I mean, how pathetic is it that you have to have someone do your talking for you? And someone who used to manage the likes of CM Punk, Ryback, Brock Lesnar. Obviously Paul is hurting for work. With those spoon fed corny lines you fed him….I almost feel bad for the little Jew.

Now….I am going to address a few things that Kitt Kennedy said. As Mr. Heyman so elegantly pointed out he is the only other one to open his mouth thus far. Kitt said a lot of things that were just totally asinine and out of line. Let’s begin with where he said that your resume is expansive? Where is it? Can I read it? Because I see one match, albeit a win, but that was over Luna Hightower. Slim pickins. You don’t deserve to even be in this match. But I will not cry over spilled milk, that is Dolly’s job. Hmmm….what else did you spew from your non-deservingly arrogant spout? Oh. That you will not be eliminated at all, much less first. That is what we used to call back in the football days, “bulletin board material.” Now, I am gunning for you. I am going to make it my mission to eliminate you first. Then Nico, then Kristen, then Isabella and save the best for last……...Dolly. I will take my time with her. I will force her daddy to watch me take her apart from his hospital room in East Bumfuck Wherever. Then, I will pin her shoulders to the mat and win the title that is rightfully mine. Maybe I will lock her in the sharpshooter after, for good measure, just to listen to her ribs snap. But you, you won’t see any of it because you will be back in the locker room sulking. You will fold under pressure because you are a rookie here. You are a freshman trying out for varsity. You want someone to prove you wrong? Your looking at the ONE person who can!

So maybe Nico and Kristen are shitting their pants right now and probably don’t want to say anything so that I can pick their stupid logic apart. I am a little surprised that Isabella hasn’t summoned some magical creature from Snow White to speak for her Paul Heyman style. She is bat shit crazy though, so I am sure she will come up with something. Weirdly enough, she is the only one in this match that I respect. I have been in the ring with that loon, and she is a scrappy little muffin-muncher. I will make sure I have eyes in the back of my head for her. I need to.

As far as I am concerned, nobody in this match has ever beaten me and nobody in this match ever will. I am a step above the rest. You want to know why? Because I am sick, twisted, demented. What did Dolly call me, somber? No. I am very excited about causing punishment and pain. I am not afraid to go the extra mile, and that is why I am successful. I have put the entire locker room on notice. I am going to win the Savage Title then go on to next week and defend it---successfully--against either that imbred G.I Joe War Pig or Bean Eating Ex-Mariachi Band member Hunter Payne. I---”

He notices the young girl starting to stir. He drops the mic, rolls out of the ring and grabs her by the hair, throwing her back into the squared circle. He lifts her back up and hits another equalizer…...then pulls her leg up. Her piss soaked panties can be seen as he counts by slapping his hand on the mat 1….2...3…..
Her “Apopka Elementary School” cheer outfit was ripped and tattered.

Throwing his hand up he grabs the mic with the other….

“As I was saying. I WILL Equalize every….single…..one….of you and take my place at the top….because I am Chris Chaos….and I am a Savage.”

He dropped the mic and walked down the ramp as paramedics rushed past him to attend to the young girl who he was pretty sure was dead in the middle of the ring.

XWF RECORD: 5-2-1

[Image: O2MEJmG.jpg]

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