Robbie Bourbon has done many X-Treme things, such as time travel, teaming up with the Black Hand, beat up random people, including tossing Shane off the XWF entrance ramp and Robbiebombing John Madison through a table, destroyed the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile, eating brains, and as most recently seen, brutally causing the sexual assault of missionaries.

THIS AIN'T NO WAY TO LIVE, SON

We open to see a motorcade of police cars pulling up to a police station on a beautiful sunny afternoon in northern Virginia. News vans are waiting, as cameramen and reporters await the arrival who whomever is sitting in the back seat of the cruiser. The Virginia state trooper in the center of the motorcade steps out, puts his trooper hat on, and circles the vehicle, opening the rear and pulling the person in question from the back of the vehicle. Robbie Bourbon steps out of the vehicle and smiles towards all the cameras pointing at him, nodding as though it would replace a wave.

Hello, America!

Robbie is led into the police station, and brought into a hallway and seated on a bench beside a young lady who nervously twitches and slides to make room for the massive Bourbon.

Hi, Robbie Motherfucking Bourbon, I'm here for being a god damned rock star. You?

She just looks away from Robbie. The state trooper grabs Robbie by the arm and Robbie gleefully moves along in the direction they want. Robbie is led into an office, the door reads "MAGISTRATE". The older gentleman behind the desk, somewhere in his sixties, finishes wiping his glasses and puts them back on. He looks up at Robbie with a grim expression on his face.

"What's the charge?"

"Multiple. Racketeering, assault and battery, aggravated assault, sexual assault, sexual pandering, harboring a known fugitive, destruction of property, and cannibalism."

"Who's the fugitive?"

"Pest, sir. Name unknown, last known whereabouts was at Mr. O'Leary's place of business."

"Pest? Why were you harboring a known pedophile, Mr. O'Leary?"

We were trying to win the Tag Team Championships.

Both the trooper and the magistrate glance at each other.

"What property was destroyed?"

"The Oscar Meyer Wienermobile."

Yeah, that was pretty awesome.

"Be quiet, Mr. O'Leary."

"He hasn't shut up yet."

"Mr. O'Leary, given the nature of your charges and your general line of work, along with your means, I hereby hold you without bail. Trooper, the corrections officers can handle it from here."

Robbie, still grinning, is led out of the magistrate's office.

I got a match this Thursday. Watch, no sweat, I'll make it.

"Well, you'd better hope your boss can change his plans."

Robbie is led into another hallway full of cells. He's placed inside the largest one, which has about 7 or 8 more men inside it.

"You can sit in the drunk tank until we get you booked."

As the trooper closes the door, Robbie spins and looks at the room. Most of the men are visibly distraught from being in jail.

'Sup?

The men all kind of gawk at Robbie, and are taken aback by his bright disposition.

So, what're y'all in for?

Some of the men huff at the thought of being asked this in the drunk tank. One man speaks.

"Conspiracy to commit public masturbation."

Oh, really?

"Shut the fuck up, dude."

With that, we see Shane with a team of attorneys walk up to the cell.

See, I have a match Thursday, what'd I tell ya.

Shane squints his eyes, looking right past Robbie and toward the back of the cell.

Shane: Is... is that? No.

Shane hesitates and looks again at the man huddled in the corner with fecal matter all over himself and a sensual, loving look in his eye.

S... ScatBear? Is that you?

Everyone just watches in silence as Shane's eyes start to fill with tears. The shit covered gentleman starts to slowly crawl out of the corner similarly to a cautious animal being lured to a human with food in his hand.

My god. What did they do to you? You're covered in DRIED, OLD shit. You poor soul. That's disgusting...

The man reaches his hand toward the bars as Shane tries to reach his own hand through but then Shane notices something. The tattoo of the rainbow and the gay unicorn are MISSING from ScatBear's shoulder.

Impostor! Get back, foul freak! How dare you impersonate such a great man and well respected public figure!

Shane kicks his foot between the bars and cracks the sick freak right in his head. Nobody else says a thing... but their eyes all sure do tell a good story about how cracked the situation is. Shane finally looks Robbie dead in the eyes.

Right. You...

So...

Is it any surprise to you that after the interesting relationship we've had over time, I now find myself being your savior?

Robbie farts, burps, and scratches his ass.

Oh, Robbie, hearing you say that just confirms in my mind that I'm doing the right thing here today. I like you, Robbie...

Shane waves his hand motioning for the attorneys to take care of the rest of this process as Shane's cell phone buzzes in his pocket. He looks at the screen and takes the call as he walks away.

Yeah...

Yeah everything's on schedule. Just had to make a quick stop and deal with getting that idiot Robbie Bourbon out of the clink so he can show up for his obligations.

...


...Yeah, I hear you on that. I can't stand him either but at this point it would have been counterproductive to just leave him in there.

Oh and hey, I thought I saw ScatBear in there with him...

... No no, it wasn't him after all. Just some asshole trying to copy his flavor and steal his flow... but get this, he was covered in DRIED shit. So disgusting! Damn amateurs. I bet that bum doesn't even know the proper way to consume breakfast logs... or which kind of syrup to use on them.

Thankfully at that point, Shane finally walks far enough away that his Scatversation can't be heard.

Well, damn.

"Shut up, bitch."

Robbie looks at the floor sullenly. As much as he's taken every moment of his incarceration in stride, as much abuse as he's taken, as much pain as he's endured, he never realized it made him someone's bitch.

No, you.

The man rips the toilet seat from the toilet in the drunk tank and slams it into Robbie's face. Robbie's nose shatters into splinters as blood sprays.

"You're a bitch! Big fat jolly bitch! Lookit you, you fucking suck!"

Robbie coughs on the floor of the drunk tank as he is pounded with the feet of every other man in there. The beatdown is brutal, and continuous. The footprints of the men in the drunk tank are ignored by the corrections officers outside, noticing the kerfuffle. They see it's Robbie Motherfucking Bourbon, Man of the People, XWF superstar getting his ass kicked. As Robbie is beat on, we see Blue being brought in for booking.

Get your damn hands off me you...

Before she can finish a sentence, before her breath has been expunged from her lungs uttering the very words of her defiance and emphasizing her defense, Robbie Bourbon stands in the drunk tank.

Robbie!

Blue struggles as she's being manhandled by an officer twice her size. He slams her head into a desktop.

...

Robbie snorts. He charges and grabs a man in the drunk tank, using him to break open the reinforced window between he and Blue.

"FUCK! PRESS THE FUCKING ALARM!"

Robbie throws the body of the man he used to break through the window to the men monitoring the jail intake desk, knocking them backwards away from the console. As he does, he charges the officer that attacked Blue. The officer drops her on the ground like she's a bag of dirt and pulls a pistol on Robbie. He fires as Robbie reaches exactly point blank range. The muzzle flare singes Robbie's forehead as the backfire sends a shock wave up the pistol, blowing the officer's thumb off. He scoops Blue off the ground.

Hey.

Hey back, gorgeous.

Robbie blushes as he sees his handler and girlfriend, Blue.

Honey, fuck the stupid shit.

What?

Fuck it. Fuck the silly nonsense, give the people what you give me.

What?

Give them everything.

Honey, they can't...

You were arrested for eating brains and being a jackass. Go out there and give the people the thing they need, the thing they want, and the thing they crave.

What's that?

Go out there and be the man you are for me.

Huh? Wasn't it cool when I was a Zombie?

No.

Ginger said it was intimidating.

She's being a cunt to you.

Uh, oh.

Yeah, just being a total cunt. Don't pay attention to Ginger Snaps. Beat the fuck out of her, she used to be a fucking Intercontinental Champion, there's no real reason you shouldn't be beating her ass, just like every Intercontinental Champion you've come across. Isn't like Game Girl took any of your money, honey, so she's just a dumb cunt too.

If you say so...

Honey, you're being sweet. You're having that extra thump in your chest.

A heart murmur?

No, you care about people. It's adorable, but seriously, momma wants some blood.

Robbie has tears welling up in his eyes, possibly realizing he's done something horrible, possible because his stomach is grumbling.

I'm fucking hungry.

Then eat, babe.

Robbie grabs one of the men in the cell.

Gimme your cornbread.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls a whole loaf of cornbread out of it. He must have stockpiled it. Robbie devours it.

That's it, babe!

RRRRRAWWWWGGG!

Robbie goes full on country strong after eating the corn bread! He then leaps to the console and opens all the doors, causing a massive jailbreak! Prisoners and corrections officers clash as Robbie and Blue sneak off through the riot.

Fuck yeah!

Robbie and Blue run into an Ambulance and engage the press start engine. The lights flare, and they flee the jail.

---

So, I'm depressing?

That's a first. And bullshit. I'm Mr. Feelgood, Robbie Motherfucking Bourbon. giving people that "aw shucks" feeling whenever my big face is around.

If you don't believe me, ask all those guys in the jail. Those officers were trained for this and have been itching for a good fight. Those inmates wanted to beat the shit out of some officers. I figure I gave'm what they wanted, don't you?

Anyhow, what the fuck were you talking about when you said this?

Robbie pulls his smartphone out of his pocket, presses it a few times, and pulls up Ginger's last promo.

Ginger Snaps Said:You walk through life like you're important and people want you around, but no one days.

Huh? Sweetie, maybe it's my American accent, my lacking grasp of Kings, or whatever, but that doesn't make any sense. Hold on, let me see if I can decrypt it.

Robbie puts his phone away.

There, better. Now, I know that you have some very mixed feelings about me. I don't doubt you've tossed my posters away, or think I'm depressing. You're thinking about how you have to fight me in a barroom brawl at Warfare.

Did I ever tell you about when I was a bouncer?

I think I've mentioned how I saw a body get run over twice, and all that.

Did I ever tell you about my buddy Junior?

I still see Junior walking around here and there. He's got bad wiring, the best thing to do is give him space. He used to love to pick fights when we were at work. Heavily trained in the use of hand to hand combat.

Anyhow, one night, it was my third week working at the club, and there was a huge wedding party. The funny thing is, these were guys I went to high school with. I played football with all three of them, too. We knew each other, hung around outside of school occasionally. Funny thing was, Junior didn't know or didn't care, or whatever.

For starters, Junior is a little tipsy, having drank a few shots of vodka. He sees all the merriment, then I see him pull his flip phone out and dip into a hallway. When he came back, he didn't look the same. Thing is, his old lady is a bit of a spinster, liked to use Junior for errands here and there but didn't want to put up with tidying up his psyche. I still see her around, too. Anyhow, Junior just got some bad news over the phone and it showed on his face.

That's when my teammates dad bumped into Junior. Junior picked the old man up and threw him out of the building.

This didn't set well with Mark, Bill, and Jim. Not at all. They go on the offensive.

Mark, the oldest, walks up to the head bouncer, and it was like watching Mike Tyson work. The fist flew like a viper strike, hitting Mark square in the forehead and leveling him.

Bill and another guy, Tom, walked in front of me.

They started to yell at me, asking why I wasn't helping them.

I looked around, and more people were fighting. Like for no real reason. People just started getting involved in more fights. The police showed up.

They kept yelling, Bill and Tom did, about why I wasn't helping.

What was I supposed to do?

Go help my old high school buddies or eat?

I grabbed Bill and Tom each by the throat and marched. They complied with my direction in this way and quickly decided the ground would be their best option since resisting the force just wasn't in the works.

I turn and see little Jim. He's shirtless, and hollering, I grab him and basically tell him to sit down, and get the fuck out of here.

The scene just gets worse. I see the bride of Mark screaming at a police officer with the laser sights of several tasers contrasting with the white lace and silk. Could you imagine that poor woman, on her wedding night, watching her husband get his ass kicked and arrested?

That's when the police just started pepper spraying indescriminately. See, most police don't really like bouncers. At all. They just see them as thugs as well, only organized and paid by a company.

An officer runs up to me and Jim, and I'm making sure Jim is safe, not hurt. The officer pulls out his pepper spray. He points it at me and tells me to take Jim down, so he can put cuffs on him.

What was I to do, get pepper sprayed or eat?

So I pinned little Jim down to the ground as the cop put his cuffs on him.

This was my first bar fight.

I beat the hell out of my high school quarterback, linebacker, and safety. Men I knew, and had a bond with. This was when I learned that survival is about a lot more than just being a chum, and just being a pal, and being everybody's friend. Survival was money in my pocket that went to the grocery store.

I don't give a flying fuck if I depress you, Ginger. It's not something that's high up on my list of priorities. I don't wake up in the morning thinking "Hrmm, I wonder if I am making Ginger Snaps happy?"

I wake up in the morning wanting one thing. Breakfast.

---

Later

We see the ambulance parked in a scenic view off of the highway. It's an overlook of the valley, and the setting sun casts long shadows that appear violet against the white pavement. Robbie and Blue are seen holding each other at the railing, taking in the scenery. Robbie leans over and kisses the much shorter Blue. Another vehicle, this an SUV, pulls up. A family of four steps out of it and stretches. One of the children points at Robbie.

"That's Robbie!"

Robbie and Blue glance at each other, then smile. Robbie poses with the boy and has his picture taken with the whole family.

You didn't see us here.

"Okay!"

The parents of the child kind of chuckle at the mention, winking back at Robbie in the least sadistically way possible.