BEEP BEEP BEEP!









The alarm sounds as Hysteria sits straight up in his bed. He throws a hand behind him to hit the snooze button atop the clock. Hysteria slaps his face as he releases a long yawn. And yes, he’s wearing his mask. He rubs his temples before rolling out of bed. He quickly gets dressed and turns off his alarm. He exits the room and takes a quick look in the mirror before sighing happily.

“Today is going to be a fantastic day full of new people and new adventures. But before we do that, let’s go see what all of my opponents have to say. Surely Prince Cameltoe has something interesting to see. Oh God, a suicide-inducing promo seems in my future. Frodo Swagkins has posted. Grooooaaaan.”

Hysteria opens the two promos and watches them to their entirety. Finally after completion, he looks in the mirror.

“Ooh! This one pays attention. I was half-expecting him to come through with some horseshit about something Harrison had done on his own when it was VERY EXPLICITLY STATED that Hysteria was not Harrison any more. But hey, he can’t find out anything about me so he fishes further into Harrison. Good job! Nice way of wasting what precious moments that someone was actually listening or paying attention to your diatribe. I have only fought ONCE in the XWF under this mask or otherwise, but how many fights has this nutt-riding moron had? Countless. Yet, wait… remind me… how many titles have you held? You’re one of the longest tenured wrestlers on the roster and have held a total of… ONE TITLE?! That's as many as Hysteria! Wow. That’s tragic. Why am I even watching this horrific exhibition of a promo anyways? You just spew words at the screen without even a semblance of continuity.”

Hysteria sighs as he shakes his head.

“Back to you Frodo. See? How hard was that? It’s better than a brown wall without absolutely no setting. Are you riding on your dad’s dick? Are you smoking crack out of Peter Gilmour’s ass? Nice to see a little description, but don’t let me tell you how to run your operation. After all, you’re the one who has become the beacon of success in the XWF. Also, I distinctly remember Harrison beating Cain and Guppy. Something in which, you’ve never done. Oh, and if you want to talk about beating Defiance members… perhaps you should go look at a certain Elimination Chamber match in which Hysteria was defending his title. You know what a title is right? That kind of match that Shane and John Madison never wanted you near? Don’t worry, bitch. That was for your better good. They didn’t want you to bitch out and leave every time a champion kicked your ass.”

“Oh, right, you’ll count that tag team reign you had way back years ago. Maybe the time will remind you of something. It should remind you of how you peaked and have come down since reaching the pinnacle. Or perhaps just no one gives a shit. It is funny you would mention relying on tag partners when you’ve only won a title in which you did the very same thing. Scorpio carried your ass to holding them as long as you did.”

Hysteria turns to leave the room when something suddenly dawns on him.

“Oh right, there was another one posted in the meantime. Who was that… oh right, Mr. Irrelevant. Let’s see here.”

Hysteria watches the train wreck that is Prince’s promo as a few groans escape his mouth.

“Literally, this bitch took it literally! I don’t… what the fuck did I just watch? HAHAHA! I don’t even know what to say about it except… how original. I’m saying that sarcastically in case you mistake that for brilliance. You were so lazy to come up with a concept for an entertaining promo that you took the FUCKING THREE EXAMPLES PROVIDED AND MESHED THEM INTO ONE. The most entertaining aspect of the promo was when you admitted you had a husband.”

Hysteria points at the camera.

“AHA! Maddy was right when he said the XWF had a bad case of the fucking homos. This is why I’m here, to eradicate this federation of the infestation. Yes, after that, he yells from his place at the front of the class that he’s Mason Fucking Prince! See? Another case of the fucking princes like Frodo. No wonder John Madison put them on a team. Didn’t want that shit to spread.”

Hysteria backs out of the room as the cameraman follows quickly. He walks into the living room of this rich person’s home as the happy couple is tied up on chairs in the corner. He shakes his head as he pats them on the head. Their muffled screaming is heard through the gauze and tape.

“You think you’re a dick, Mason Prince? Have you looked at my team? There’s Tommy Gunn who literally is a hitman for hire. He kills people for a living when he isn’t throwing balls at children’s faces which is another rather dick thing to do. Dick E is literally all dick. Literally! His nuts are literally on a shelf somewhere with Matthew Oaktree. So you know he’s got some pent-up frustration to let out. And me? Hysteria has killed. Hysteria has enslaved the minds of those who he’s conquered. He even fooled a named Frodo into thinking that he mattered when in the grand scheme of The Asylum… he didn’t matter one damn bit.”

Hysteria yawns before opening the front door.

“Fuck me. I’m so tired of watching those promos. Those guys will really drain your batteries with their boring ass bullshit. Now, to find this fourth partner…”

Hysteria begins walking down the street as he pulls out a piece of paper with an address written on it. 1440 West Seymour Avenue, Hope, Arkansas.

“Hmm. Coincidental that this address that was randomly emailed to me and it’s in Hope. Hahaha probably has to be the fourth person on this team!”

The former prophet of the Higher Power walks up to the door and knocks loudly.

“Helloooooo. Anyone in there?!”

As he pounds away on the door, an elderly man next door exits his house and takes a look around.

“Hello? Is there anyone here?”

Hysteria looks at his door and then looks at the neighbor’s door.

“Hey, you old fuck! You happen to know who lives here?”

The old man looks at Hysteria with a surprised expression. Not every day you see a guy wearing a mask out in the middle of the morning.

“That’s old Mr. Smithers house. He passed away a few years ago.”

The old man waves as he turns to his door with a mysterious smile before entering the abode.

“Well this is fucking stupid then.”

Hysteria turns to walk away when he hears what sounds like a primal growling. He turns around and looks at the door with a curious expression. He begins to approach the door with a cautious step. He places his gloved hand upon the doorknob and gives it a squeeze. The door begins to open towards him. He listens but the sounds within the house are silent. He’s about to close it back when…

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!”

The shrill, high-pitched scream echoes through the house, and Hysteria rushes inside.

“Alrighty, who the fuck just killed a woman without letting me in on the actiooooooh what the fuck?!”

The sight before him are what appears to be a family of five sitting or leaning on furniture with the exception of one moving greenish or yellowish fleshed monster chasing a bald man. The balding man spots Hysteria and rushes over before latching onto his leg.

“Oh thank God, you’re here!”

“Wait, were you the one who sent me the e-mail?”

“E-mail? Of course not. Calypso doesn’t use e-mail.”

Hysteria pushes him towards the stairs where he sees the beast after him and begins climbing them hurriedly and stutteringly.

“Then what the hell am I doing here? I’ve got enough shit-baskets on my plate to be worrying about you! I’m leaving. Good luck with these….”

“ZOMBIES!”

“Yeah, that. Bahamahaha! Zombies. Who would’ve guessed? I guess Substitute Orcs would have been only slightly more cliché.”

“But you have to help me! PLEASEEEE!”

Hysteria places hand on his hip as the zombie slowly stalks Calypso up the stairs.

“Because, because…. I’M THE FOURTH MAN!!!”

Hysteria looks at him as the ink on his mask drops in disappointment.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

The masked man leaps upon the zombie and begins plowing a knife into the back of her head. He wipes off the blade as Calypso walks down the stairs. He pats Hysteria on the shoulders simultaneously while smiling.

“Thank you for the aid!”

“Yeah, sure, now let’s get the fuck out of here before….”

Suddenly as he says this, three other zombies rise from their seats and begin to stalk them. They aren’t your typical zombie in that they move slow. They move with speed and ferocity! Hysteria grabs one and throws him into the wall, but the zombie grabs his arm and flings him across the table. Hysteria pops back up with a bit of surprise at his strength.

Meanwhile, Calypso is running around the island in the kitchen as one chases him and the third one watches. After a few rotations, the third zombie tries to cut off Calypso. Calypso resorts to the one thing he knows works… dirty tactics. He kicks the zombie in the balls. It’s then that he realizes that it’s a girl zombie. The zombie roars and tries to bite him as does the one behind him, but he manages to poke the zombies in the eyes. His fingers go through both zombies’ eyes!

“Ewwwww. Omg this is gross!”

Calypso is flailing around with two zombies connected to him by the eyes through their sockets while Hysteria is fighting off one zombie with some stiff blows. The zombie smiles at him and tries to chomp on him. Hysteria sees his opportunity and connects with a knee trembler to the side of its head. The zombie staggers back before being knocked down by Calypso’s two zombies. Hysteria takes the blade and stabs it into the heart of the zombie as it groans.

Hysteria stands up and takes a deep breath as Calypso looks at him pleadingly.

“Hey! Little help over here!”

Hysteria turns around with a smirk and rushes the two zombies before stabbing one in the heart and slicing the head off of the other. Calypso’s fingers are still in the sockets as he pulls them out slowly.

“Ew, that was so disgusting. But did you see the way I handled those two zombies? What took you so long? Not that I needed your help. After all, I am...”

Calypso moves his hands in front of his face.

"Calypsoooooooooo!"

The masked man looks at him before sighing and moving into the other room. As he moves, the very foundation of the house seems to shake. Hysteria looks around in confusion before tracing the location to the living room.

Standing in the doorway to the living room is the fattest, most grotesque redneck zombie you’ve ever seen. Hysteria looks up at him and sighs.

“Fuck me.”

[To Be Continued]