Robbie Bourbon and Morbid Angel, the Black Hand, recently went on an adventure in a time machine using the autopilot button. What exactly that means is up in the air.

Um...

THE BLACK HAND FINDS JESUS


Jerusalem, 33 AD

We open to see a crowded street in ancient Jerusalem, nearly two thousand years ago. The crowd seems to be in anticipation, looking downhill, almost as though they're waiting for a parade. Waiting with rocks and sticks. With a flash of light, the 80's phone booth from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure enters the scene on a rooftop. Robbie and Morbid Angel step out.

Phew, this place fucking reeks!

"I can smell the shit on the shit."

Damn, this place could use a dose of Febreeze, figuratively speaking of course. No modern chemistry or anything else, dude. The machine dumped us out, but where?

"I don't know. Some festival?"

Robbie and Morbid Angel peek down, and Alejandro, the Dick of Peter Gilmour steps to the ledge to get a view. What the people are waiting on is heading towards the building the Black Hand is on top of. Leading the pack of armed Roman soldiers cracking whips is a naked man with a crown of thorns on his head, carrying a massive wooden cross down the street as people spit on him, throw rocks at him, and whack him with sticks. Jesus of Nazareth, the day he was crucified.

No fucking way.

"What is this? That guy looks familiar."

Woah!

Alejandro genuflects and performs a sign of the cross.

Jesus Christ!

"Woah, stop the procession."

Jesus wiggles his nose.



"Robbie, Morbid, Alejandro, get down from there."

Jesus sets the cross down gently as the Roman soldiers and people in the streets all kind of fold their arms across their chest, some roll their eyes. Jesus wiggles his nose again and the Black Hand along with Alejandro appears in front of him. Christ nods offscreen and puts his hand up to catch a Dasani, which he opens and touches with his fingertip. The water inside turns a very dark red.

"You guys want a snack?"

Jesus reaches behind Robbie's ear and pulls out a communion wafer. Christ eats it and washes it down with his wine.

Uh, hello.

"Uh, hello? I'm Jesus Christ, for me's sake. What's wrong with you. Didn't Dim ever tell you about me?"

Dim? Well, he likes you and all, but I've always been agnostic.

"Really? Well, here I am."

Morbid, realizing this is THE Christ, grabs a spear from one of the lazing Romans, and stabs at Jesus! He's the guy who actually did it in the Bible, Morbid Angel is in the Bible stabbing Jesus. He takes a small wooden bowl and lets the blood drip into it. He then knocks it back.

"Hah! Godpower!"

"You know I'm a Jew, right?"

Morbid Angel's eyes bug out of their sockets as he projectile vomits the blood of Christ all over the watching crowds. Everybody in the crowd it hits looks a dozen times fitter and healthier, though that could be Jesus blood, that could be Morbid's stomach acids, it's still up for debate. Robbie looks at Jesus.

Fuck me, are you okay?

"What, eh I'll be fine in about three days, but we all have our crosses to bear. Now, why the hell are you dicking around with time travel? Don't you think there could be some dire consequences here, maybe creating a paradox?"

What, like taking you into the future?

"Well, I guess that's a great example of what would be a paradox. Leave it to the Black Hand to cause the second coming."

Robbie thinks for a second as Jesus sips his wine and continues to look at Robbie with a sense of impatience.

"You're trying to remember what happens when I come a second time?"

Yeah.

"Dad damn, dude, are you happy you put my book down so you could dick around on a Super Nintendo?"

Not really, I feel kinda...

"Look, it's no biggie."

Jesus hugs Robbie. The thorns of his crown get a little stuck in Robbie's mask as he pulls away, and they have an awkward moment of disengaging one another's headwear of choice.

So, why did the time machine take us here?

"Well, you did create an entire religion that wiped out my whole message, refocusing the human race towards quantum physics. I hope you're glad that dedrophelia was not frowned upon by those people you duped."

Dedrophelia? What, so people have, um, hair fetishes or something?

"No, you big silly goose you, they started mating with plants."

Oh, well, that is strange.

"Highest rank of sin in existence."

Really?

We turn to see Alejandro the Dick of Peter Gilmour humping a potato on the ground, as it looks extraordinarily surprised and starts to blush, slowly backing away from the potato. We turn back to Robbie, Morbid Angel, and Jesus Christ.

"What the fuck is that thing, anyway?"

He's, well, I guess he's my second cock and he seems to be attached at my hip.

"I'm sure there's some plan for him. You know me, I work in mysterious ways."

I guess. Well, I'm sure we'll see you around, Christ, but this just got to a whole 'nother level of weird for me. I mean, I saw what Lux Lyden did with bending reality, but this is almost kinda masochistic, putting yourself through this.

"Some of us like it rough."

I'll bet.

"Seriously, Mary Magdalene has a cat-o-nine tails and a ball gag waiting for me this Sunday."

Wow, here I thought nobody had sex on Easter.

"Well, I shall rise again. So, anything else I can help you with?"

Uh, sorry for being so violent and stuff.

Morbid and Robbie's heads hang as they look away, sheepishly.

"Oh, knock it off. That turning the other cheek nonsense is filler material put in by some monk in the fourth century. I wouldn't hesitate to choke a bitch if I had to, motherfucker."

"Shit, Jesus, you're hardcore!"

"Still a Jew, Kyril."

Morbid Angel vomits once again.

So, what you're telling me, is that it's okay for me to beat the shit out of people and I don't have to worry about it being a sin?

"Not at all. In certain circumstances, it's perfectly fine. I'm none to thrilled about what you did to that young man who smarted off to you when you were visiting his football team's practice. He was going to win a Heisman trophy and even play in the NFL. You know how important that was for us? The NFL gets better attendance numbers than my churches at some point, and we need those muscled up lunatics running around smashing each other thanking me whenever they score some points."

Morbid Angel and Alejandro look very confused by this statement. Robbie looks at them and sighs.

It was when I got a boat.

Morbid and Alejandro just shrug.

"Just leave your violence on Warfare, Robbie."

All of it?

"Well, no, not all of it, but as long as you're fighting for the people, and not just yourself, then you aren't sinning."

So, as long as I'm beating the hell out of Mason Prince for Mason Prince's sake, it's okay?

"Absolutely! Who said you were a bad Christian?"

Well, I'm just a shitty agnostic, now.

"That's the spirit. Now get out of here, people from your time have the internet and pizza delivery, no reason to watch miracles happen around here."

Jesus wiggles his nose again and Robbie and Morbid are in the time machine as the passion of Christ continues on the street below.

Well, that was kind of intense, huh?

"Messianic Jews are the worst."

If you say so, big guy. It's funny, all of this makes me think of what's going to happen to Mason Prince come this Wednesday at Warfare. More brutal than a Bible story, it will be a public showing of bloodletting and violence, and in the end, after I've slammed the final nail down on our match, Mason will come out better, and stronger, and with some luck, wiser to the fact that the Black Hand is where he belongs.

"It sounds like you want to crucify him."

That sounds awesome! When's the last time Warfare had a good ole' crucifixion? That's what you need, Mason. You've fallen into some weird pit, and surest path to salvation, to make sure you get to the gates of the righteous, I will crucify you and three days later you can come back better than ever.

"That's not how it works, Robbie, that's my gimmick."

Shut up, Jesus, go die for my sins already.