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Hero Xtreme 7.9 · (04-25-2015)

NOCMM: Welcome back. I take it you watched my latest promo and now you're here to see my response to the rest of this shit show. I'll get going then.

Quote:Jacob Cass- "Give me a second babe"

Jacob gets up and walks into his room. He walks out of his room moments later wearing his Thunderbolt X outfit and mask. Jacob has now become Thunderbolt X.

Thunderbolt X- "Sorry babe, I like to be in character for this sort of thing"

Adriana Cass- "It's ok I understand babe" "Ok I will ask 6 questions and my first question is" "What made you hate Hero Extreme so much?"

Thunderbolt X- "Good question babe" "Well Adriana it's all about his attitude" "He claims he is God but he has no sufficent evidence to prove this" "He challenges rookies to matches but when he gets challenged himself, he backs out and refuses to acknowledge the challenger" "Lets face it, Hero Extreme 7.9 is a pussy" "He gets his manager NOCMM to talk for him and lets face it, NOCMM makes crappy promos on behalf of his crappy client"

NOCMM: It looks like we're playing six questions, and that's where it becomes immediately obvious whoever wrote the shit script of this is a 14 year old kid. A 14 year old dumb fuck like this writer has never been interviewed before, so now we're sitting through him guessing what an interview is like, so instead of it coming off like a conversation a husband and 'wife' would have it's going to be some kind of high school level 'academic' Power Point presentation. The interviewer 'woman' is going to read poorly worded and shitty questions and then our interviewee is going to answer them in an over-rehearsed unnatural manner. That's enough about the shitty writing style, I'll move on to the shitty dialogue our

writer wrote, but before that we had our other shocking twist THUNDERBOLT WEARS A SHITTY JOHN CENA MASK HE DIDN'T GET PLASTIC SURGERY TO LOOK LIKE A CELEBRITY LIKE HIS 'WIFE' DID. It looks like I was wrong and Jacob gave us two shit 'shocking moments' for the price of one.

NOCMM picks up the ice bag and puts it back on his head.

NOCMM: Jacob Cass was written as a liar in this promo. I don't know if he honestly believes the

bullshit his kid sister wrote for him, but he lied to his fans anyway. Mr. Cass is that shit at managing how he's perceived. He wants us to believe he's a good person, but then he turns a blind eye to his promo writer giving him lies to say. The goody two-shoes face act is getting old, ThunderBolt X. Even the new skool fans know that good guys like my client and I don't lie about the facts.

NOCMM looks down at a transcript of Jacob's promo.

NOCMM: ThunderBolt is a bit of a dumb fuck, so for his benefit and everyone else's I'll point out where ThunderBolt turned his back on ever being thought of as a hero. He said Hero Xtreme 7.9 had no evidence of the fact that he's God when there is plenty of it out there. He proved that he can fly in a match against Mastermind and Cohen Horne, he proved that he can burn people's flesh with plants in the #1 contender's match at Lethal Lottery 3 and he used his voice to shoot fire and ice at Peter Gilmour on the latest edition of Warfare. There is all the evidence you need to prove Hero Xtreme 7.9 is God. He even had video footage of him smiting someone in 1515, way before video cameras were invented. Show that footage to any veteran historian and they will tell you it's legit.

NOCMM looks through the transcript for another lie. He finds one in the next sentence, because the writer of the shit promo is awful at pacing lies.

NOCMM: Here's a good one, ThunderBolt says that my client makes and then backs down from challenges that he makes to rookies. My client has never challenged a rookie, dumb fuck. Rookies aren't main eventers so he doesn't make challenges to them. The only people he challenged to matches were Sebastian Duke who ended up adding three others to the match and making it non-title, Justin Sane who ran away and made Mandii face my client instead then dropped the title on purpose so he'd never get embarrassed by my client, and Dr. Louis D'Ville who I assume went to management and threatened to quit if he's booked against another main eventer, so now only rookies like TJ Wallace, Aerial Knight, Gator, and Mastermind are allowed to challenge for the Universal championship.

NOCMM adjusts the ice bag because this first answer has been super

so far.

NOCMM: So, my client has only challenged main eventers and they have backed down from him. Justin Sane went as far as to denounce being a main eventer because he was so afraid of my client. My client has never challenged a rookie, and unless someone pays 1,000,000 xbux to change that policy he never will.

NOCMM rolls his eyes at ThunderBolt's pathetic

lie.

NOCMM: I think what you meant to say was that my client ignores the challenges of rookies, which even then isn't entirely true. Rookies like you, Jacob have to earn God's attention if you want to talk to him. You have to pay the price. I've never declined or backed down from a challenge for God. I have only told the rookies that try to get God's attention without earning it that they are doing it wrong and informed them how to do it properly. Then in most cases they backed down from their own challenges by not following through and actually challenging God to a match instead of pretending to do it to look cool.

NOCMM looks at the next three lies and shakes his invisible head.

NOCMM: ThunderBolt lied about my client 'refusing to acknowledge' rookies. The truth is he literally can't there is no 'refusing'. If you think he's pretending he's not able to talk to you unless you pay then you're a fucking ableist and you should check your fucking privilege. I'm helping God with his disability you bigot. ThunderBolt even went as far as to lie and say my client is a 'pussy'. That's just blasphemy. God fears nothing. Then we have the final lie of question one, he lied about the quality of my promos without acknowledging the fact that I have won a shit-ton of promo awards or that every promo I make is so good that the world explodes and then my client has to go back in time to make it less explosive, but keep all the epic intact. In conclusion, ThunderBolt lied to his husband, most likely spitting on their vows, and hopefully destroying their

marriage. Five lies in one question. When he goes to Hell his pants will surely be on fire.

Quote:Adriana Cass- "Ok Thunderbolt, would you consider this to be the toughest challenge of your career to date?"

Thunderbolt X- "Oh hell yeah, but it's a match l have been waiting for quite a while now" "This is the first time me and him are squaring off one on one" "The last time we met, we were at Lethal Lottery, competing for the chance to become the number one contender to the X-Treme Championship"

NOCMM: Then ThunderBolt misunderstands the fucking question and says something dumb. He asked you if this match was a challenge, but then you answered as if 'she' asked if you're looking forward to the match. Those are two completely different concepts you

. If that "Oh Hell yeah" is you answering the question then immediately changing the subject, then you're contradicting the lie you said earlier and saying that my 'crappy client' is a challenge. So, question two is you confirming that you were lying or answering the wrong question. That's some shit scripting. Let's see how

question three is.

Quote:Adriana Cass- "Ok, now will you be effected by your current 3 match losing streak when you square off with Hero?"

Thunderbolt X- "Absolutely not" "Sure I'm on a losing streak but that doesnt mean I'm not capable of beating Hero" "Whether Hero likes it or not, he isn't perfect" "He has weaknessess and he can be hurt" "I will study him like a hawk so l have a good idea of what to do against him"

NOCMM: Oh geez, I didn't think anyone would ever make reference to the practical joke on God's XWF profile. Those of you that know those profiles are worthless you can skip this part, but those XWF profiles are rarely accurate and made by

interns. For example, do you idiots think God actually looks like Arik Cannon? No, that's not his true form. Arik is just one of the most badass looking men that God ever made so God likes to take that form when he wrestles. What ThunderBolt is referring to is the "Weakness" section of God's profile which says this...

Quote:Weaknesses: Animals don't like him and Kryptonite weakens his powers

NOCMM: So ThunderBolt's probably planning something stupid like releasing Hawks into the arena and bringing some fake Kryptonite that he bought on Ebay. That won't do shit I'm afraid. God and I have a strong hatred for animals but animals are too dumb to return that feeling. Kryptonite is a Superman reference and that's a fake comic book. God made himself weak to it with his God powers, but he never created the real thing. So it's impossible for ThunderCunt to show up with it. Writing out "He has no weaknesses" is so cliche and that's what everyone else does so we tried to make people laugh, since that's what nice wrestlers do.

NOCMM re-reads the transcript of ThunderBolt's promo and realizes that he hasn't acknowledged the question.

NOCMM: This is another lie from ThunderBolt X. Unlike my client, Jacob's losing streak is due to his lack of in-ring ability, so it will affect his wrestling. Ask any veteran therapist and they'll tell you the same thing. ThunderBolt is so insecure about his losing streak that he thinks lying and pretending it doesn't bother him will make it go away. Denial is the first step dude. It has been like four weeks since you've won, maybe you should just accept that you suck and then start trying to get better

. Acceptance is necessary to better yourself.

Quote:Adriana Cass- "Getting off topic here" "What are the chances Pest and his army will try and cost you the match?"

Thunderbolt looks at a threatening text message, Pest sent him.

Thunderbolt X- "It is almost certain that Pest will try and cost me the match" "Which is why Tri Force Extreme WILL be at ringside for my match"

NOCMM: Your 'wife' is shit at asking questions. The real Kelli Berglund would never ask something so fucking lame. Pest is a rookie and it's a rookie move to just mention him out of nowhere for no reason. No one gives two fucks about him. If the Black Hand interferes Hero Xtreme 7.9 would probably just kick their asses while you're on the ground recovering from one of his offensive maneuvers. Also Tri Force Extreme seems to hate your guts. I saw that you asked for a tag match and then they left you hanging. It's obvious they don't care about you, so I doubt they'll be at ringside.

Quote:Adriana Cass- "Well I'm kinda shocked go hear that" "Speaking of Tri Force Extreme, if you could recruit one more member to the team, who would it be?"

Thunderbolt X- "My opponent from last week, hands down" "Flynn Andrew-Cole Ericson" "That guy can do things I dream of doing"

NOCMM: Your husband is so easily impressed that 'she' probably thinks your tiny gay cock is a gift from God. Seriously, 'she's' shocked? Does he even know what that word means? Is 'she' 'shocked' because 'she' was also under the impression that your stable doesn't give a fuck about you? And that's your big pick for recruitment? Some rookie

that no one has ever heard of? I'm not surprised you'd pick a rookie since you picked a rookie writer to write your shit promo for you. I bet you picked him because you want to suck his rookie cock. You deserve Hell for that shit answer.

Quote:Adriana Cass- "Ok my final question, which is getting back on topic" "What would be the ultimate way Hero could pay in your eyes?"

Thunderbolt X- "By torturing him"

NOCMM: Thank God this is the final question. Watching this promo is fucking torture. So, ThunderBolt is going to make my client pay, but for what exactly? If you noticed earlier, every single reason ThunderBolt provided for hating my client was an unfounded lie. He hates my client for reasons he literally made up. That's not a very Christian thing to do. And how is he going to make him pay? Torture. The most inhumane thing you can do. That's not Christian either. Is that how the good guys go about it, ThunderBolt? Do they make up false reasons to hate someone and torture them? This must be a side effect of all the gay sex you had. I heard that shit can fuck up your brain and make you a super

if you aren't careful. That gay sex has changed you from a 'face' to a monster.

NOCMM sighs.

Quote: "I will force him to give up on himself" "Whether I win by pinfall or submission, I don't care" "As long as I inflict punishment and make Hero pay, my mission is complete"

NOCMM: However, if that's your mission then you will fail. God can't be hurt. He may act hurt on Wednesday, but that's just for fun. Those are just mind games. Only you will feel pain, ThunderBolt. Win or lose your objective is a suicide mission. All that will occur on Wednesday is God's will.

NOCMM looks out to the distance at the moon as the scene fades to an X-

Oh shit, I guess six questions WASN'T ENOUGH TWIST #3...HOLY SHITTTT!

Quote:Adriana Cass- "Well ok Thunderbolt, do you have any final words for Hero or his manager?"

Thunderbolt X- "I do but I prefer to wait till later to reveal them"

Adriana Cass- "Well that is all we have time for, for this interview"

Thunderbolt X- "Allow me to turn off the camera"

Adriana Cass- "Why thank you"

Thunderbolt X walks up to the camera and says.

Thunderbolt X- "Beware Hero, because a Thunderstorm is coming and it is about to hit!"

Thunderbolt X turns off the camera and the scene goes black.

NOCMM: So they're both liars. They're both gay

liars. You two

deserve to burn in Hell in eachother's arms. That was seven questions you stupid bitch. The real Kelli Berglund knows how to count you stupid fuck. Then ThunderBolt has the audacity to rip off The Hurricane, a much superior pro wrestler who has won at least two matches. That's a claim this gay

can't make.

Quote:Adriana Cass- "Well that is all we have time for, for this interview"

NOCMM: No it's not. That's another fucking lie. There are no time limits,

. You can go on for as long as you want there are no rules against that. You are the dumbest couple of gays I've ever seen.

NOCMM starts eating his dinner.

NOCMM: It looks like I was right in the closing statements of my last promo. This poorly written skit made ThunderCunt look like even more of a

. I told you in my second promo that this week would be fun, but I had no idea his promo would be that fucking shitty. Instead of getting better ThunderCunt is one of those rookies who just gets shittier and shittier. That was the worst promo so far of 2015, but I'm almost certain ThunderRetard's next promo will be even worse. I love this job, but fuck (no pun intended) ThunderBolt's promos are so fucking gay that I think I'm going to be sick.

NOCMM starts coughing up his dinner because it tasted like ThunderBolt's promo would if it was a dinner food. SHIT. NOCMM gives the shitty food to some homeless people and then waits for the pound to close. Once all the people that work there go home, he blows it up killing all the dogs inside as the scene fades to an Xtreme shade of black, not the shitty lame black that ThunderBolt X's piece of shit faded to. The epic promo blows up the world, but then Hero Xtreme 7.9 goes back in time and fixes it. It keeps all the epic though.

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