02-07-2015, 09:58 PM
"Loverboy" - Love Is On The Way -->
Hey everyone.
Sorry about all the smacking and chewing sounds you probably hear. This Cambot 2.0 thing has a hell of a mic built in, and I’ve been sitting here sucking down this Peking duck dinner all night, just like Maverick said I was in his last garbage promo. That Maverick. Always right about so much. Said I was sucking duck, and here I am doing it.
Just like my and Maverick’s favorite show, Jerry Springer, I thought I’d give you my final thought leading into tomorrow’s big Rumble. Maverick likes the show mostly because it’s the only way he gets to see his extended, sibling-fucking, white trash family. I like it because I like to laugh at those people.
I’ll admit for a second right now, guys… until some of you fuckwits started talking, I was a little concerned about my chances in this match. I mean, let’s face it – I’m hurt. I’m less than 100% here, with a ribcage x-ray that looks like Ruben Mitchell’s teeth. Nothing to be ashamed of there, Rube, lots of prison bitches get their teeth broken. Face rapers don’t like getting bitten by their cum-chugging sweeties, you know?
The fact is though, the more I watch these asinine promos, the more I realize I’m really going to be the only real man in this motherfucker. I mean, maybe if Mini Morbid sat on Frodo’s shoulders they could be considered a threat, but in reality they’d probably get so sidetracked sixty-nining the shit out of each other they’d fall over the top rope on their own, you know?
Doc D’Ville and Scorpio, two guys everyone lines up to give cock rubs to when it’s time to make those popular “best of all time” lists for the dirt sheets, both seem completely disinterested in living up to their own hype. Congratulations, assholes. Mastermind is going to look better than both of you. Your mothers will both be very proud, as soon as they pull their lips off of their latest Sugar Daddy and accidentally give a shit about their least favorite children.
Half of the other entrants are throwaway scrubs with no business getting into the same ring as the reigning number one contender. A chair, a rapist, a time traveler… it really sounds like the beginning of a bad “walks into a bar” joke, dude. Only in this version, the three people are the fucking joke.
Justin Sane is in this rumble, did you know that? I don’t think he does. Crazy how a week or two can completely change how a dude’s career is going, isn’t it? Shit man, last month Justin Sane was riding high as the star of the month, getting 24/7 cases handed to him like he was trick or treating in West Hollywood with his dick out. Successful businessmen like John Samuels and Theo Pryce were ready to gamble hundreds of thousands on him walking away victorious over me at Turning Point, remember?
Now, fast forward a bit, and I’m the top contender to the biggest prize in the XWF and Sane is 48 hours away from losing his only earned achievement to quite possibly the only dude less competent than Barney Green at backing up his shit talk. Sane, I told you brother, lightning doesn’t strike twice when you’re up against a dude who’s your superior five times over. I told everyone that you beating me last time, the accolade that won you that briefcase to begin with, was a one-time lucky strike. Thanks for helping me prove myself right by shitting the bed at the PPV and falling asleep at the wheel this week.
You know, after the week I had I was kinda looking forward to the opportunity to knock the little bastard Frodo around again, like I have twice before. I told myself I’d never put myself in the position to be bored into a coma by his “50 Shades of ” promo style, but fuck that. The little talking retrovirus spent a few days trying to break me, which he failed to do, so now he’s earned himself another ass whipping. And what did he spend his time doing this week doing anyway? Other than running from pizza boxes and swatting at me like a sorority sister in a pillow fight? He lost to a midget and wrote a bunch of gay porn slash fiction. Kudos, man, I can see why get laughed at every time you turn your back.
One thing’s for sure with Frodo though – that little punk ass touched my hair. He shaved it clean off, leaving me looking like a fucking testicle with a face. What? Yeah, I shave my balls. Bitches want clean balls.
Frodo, you cut my hair, so I’m going to have to cut your time in this rumble to a minimum. Just like everything else in your life, dude, you’re going to come up short.
No, the only other participant in this entire rumble tomorrow to have shown even an ounce of effort and preparation going in is the current star of the fucking month, Austin Fernando.
Did you know Austin is the star of the month? You didn’t? You should ask him about it, he loves to talk about it.
Listen man, you and I both know that the reason you keep leading with the star of the month bullshit is because it is literally all you’ve got. You tricked a bunch of people into thinking you were hot shit by giving a sexual predator a hot dog and having matches against inferior competition. You are honest to god the first person in the XWF to ever get a god damn thing as a result of beating Scully.
But what else is there? Huh? What else? You’re the future? Motherfucker, you aren’t even the right now. You’re so close to done already that you might as well call yourself the flash in the pan instead of the leader of the revolution.
You want me to go over what I’ve accomplished so you don’t have to bother doing any research? Sure thing, dude, I don’t mind. Talking about me is one of my favorite things to do, along with winning titles and fucking chicks so far out of your league you can’t see them without a telescope.
I’m a guy who, unlike you, didn’t walk in the door and immediately lose a match involving Cain. Why? Because Cain is a stepping stone. I had a match with Cain my second week here, you want to guess how it ended, rook? It involves the words “Loverboy” and “winner.” Those two words go together pretty often if you check the record books, dude.
I’m also a guy who, unlike you, didn’t walk away from my first title opportunity empty handed. No, my first shot was supposed to be some grand put-over for the seemingly unbeatable Trios Champions Sebastian Duke, Enigma, and Azrael. Crack a book open and you’ll see those names all as former stars of the month like yourself but also as former Universal Champions. Guess who walked away from that match with Trios gold around his sexy fucking waist?
Did you guess yet?
It was me, dipshit.
Also, that X-Treme Title you got to spend a few minutes drooling over while Doc stomped your ass inside out? That used to be mine, too. Hey, it wasn’t a long reign, but it happened. I mean, I’m not super proud of it, you know? Mastermind’s won the damn thing twice. Bobby Zi’s fucking illiterate and he’s won it twice. Twice more than you, in fact.
And please, Fernando, save a little bit of your dignity when you inevitably decide to loosen your dick licker and respond to what I’m saying – don’t try to come at me with the whole “last ever HMW champion” shit. For one thing, that title is more shit than Maverick’s actual shit on an actual title. Not to mention, I won the fucking thing three and a half times too. So yeah, man, I’ve done pretty much every damn thing that you haven’t done. I’ve won. I’ve earned my spot. I’m the current number one contender to the biggest prize in this whole damn sport, dude. Why? Because I’m everything that you aren’t.
Who do you think you should be looking up to in this company, Austin? The Universal Champion, maybe? Morbid Angel is ten times the man you’ll ever be, and he’s also had his ass handed to him by yours truly on more than one occasion. How about the guy he cashed in on, John Samuels? Samuels has refused to even face me one on one and just recently sold off his rematch for the title in another effort to never have to cross paths with me again. What do you think that says about me, Austin? You think it says I’m washed up?
Let’s go back a little further to before your time here… Theo Pryce, the golden boy of the XWF. King, Uni Champ, Tag Champ… and a guy who’s been on the wrong side of a Vinnie Lane beatdown over the course of his career. Same with Azrael Erebus. Same with Sebastian Duke. Those are names that will always, always, ALWAYS be above yours when the dust settles and we all call this crazy roller coaster ride a career. They are top dogs, the real big guns, and I’ve put them down. Why? Because I’m right up there with them, dude. Look up at me and wave.
Honestly, Austin, I feel pretty bad for Paul Heyman. The guy has done a lot of great things over the course of his career, but every now and then he bets on the wrong horse. When he signed me to a big dollar deal and got me into the XWF, he hitched himself onto a god damn thoroughbred. He got himself a winner, and yes, Austin, a fucking megastar. I shine so bright I leave shadows on walls like the bomb in Nagasaki.
This time though, after watching him pull that ski mask off of your misshapen cranium and gloat over you like you were the second coming? Heyman’s gotten himself into a bad spot. He’s picked a lame horse. Trust me, Austin, sooner than later Heyman is going to cut his losses and leave you hanging in the breeze faster than your mother got herself a tubal ligation after seeing you for the first time.
Austin, I know I’ve wasted a lot of breath on you just now, enough that the rest of my duck dinner has gotten cold, actually. Don’t let it get to your head, dude. You’re still nothing. You couldn’t lick the shit off of Frodo Smackins’ ballsack. You’re just the only one who’s even bothered acknowledging the real threat in this match tomorrow.
Me.
Your number one contender and future Universal Champion.
"Loverboy" - Love Is On The Way -->
” promo style, but fuck that. The little talking retrovirus spent a few days trying to break me, which he failed to do, so now he’s earned himself another ass whipping. And what did he spend his time doing this week doing anyway? Other than running from pizza boxes and swatting at me like a sorority sister in a pillow fight? He lost to a midget and wrote a bunch of gay porn slash fiction. Kudos, man, I can see why get laughed at every time you turn your back.![[Image: Gz87KnQ.jpg]](http://i.imgur.com/Gz87KnQ.jpg)
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