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SpineTwister · **12-20-2014, 07:27 AM**

Two days ago. London, England. Room 101, Ministry of Discipline dojo/gym/fetish dungeon.

Besides, think of the publicity you could get by killing those twat waffles....

SIMON LYSTER, "THE SPINE TWISTER," frown on face, gazes at the piece of uploaded footage.

"Really, now -- the proprietor of London's most exclusive fetish parlor isn't going to have contacts in the New York club circuit? Some of whom put me on to this little piece of work." LYSTER shakes his head. "Disappointing. Not unexpected, but disappointing."

LYSTER turns to address his entourage.

"It seems one of my opponents intends a little post-match buggery. I will not lose. I will break him. But it's always prudent to prepare for the off chance. Plus there's that other silly clown-show thing at the end."

LYSTER ponders, chin in hand.

"A man of caliber needs no weapons but his hands. But a man of sense acknowledges the world's complexity and prepares for all contingencies. GIMP!!!!" LYSTER flicks his riding crop toward the dojo far wall. "Bring me that box of paraphernalia from when I was in the Japanese puroresu circuit."

"This lowly worm lives to serve his Master's pleasure." The GIMP goes hobbling out of the room, leg braces making indentations in the mats.

Shortly the GIMP hobbles back, weighted down under a large box marked with kanji, kana, and romaji letters. The romaji says IGIRISU-YOKAI SU-PA-I-NO TU-II-SU-TA BIG RAPE 5 DEATH MATCH GEAR. Staggering to LYSTER, the GIMP places the box at LYSTER's feet and assumes his customary groveling position.

"What did he call me again?"

"'Twat waffle,' Master," the GIMP says obsequiously.

LYSTER snorts. "He claims to have been alive for centuries and yet he can't come up with anything more creative than a grade-school 4chan taunt. OK, so...." LYSTER pries open the box, digs through its contents, tossing aside one item after another. "No... no... not this... nor this...." Benwa balls, spiked dildos, a mummified pinky from the YAKUZA RULES YUBITSUME STRAIGHT RAZOR ON A POLE match, a brown-and-red-stained robot glove from the ATOMIC GUNDAM POWER ASS FISTING RULES match, and other objects go flying around the mats. "Ahh -- yes!!!"

LYSTER holds up to the light a sleek ceramic-and-steel contraption - a disc, about 18 inches in diameter, affixed to a sturdy steel handle. Buttons and dials run up and down the handle. Romaji characters spell out WAFFLE IRON 3000 - LIMITED DEATH MATCH COMMEMORATIVE SPECIAL. A cute little chibi cartoon waffle, wrapped in barbed wire and with one bite taken out of its edge, dances happily on the disc's surface.

"And battery powered. God, I love the Japanese," LYSTER breathes. At the base of the disk, numbers and romaji spell out 1-10, then RED HOT, WHITE HOT, DEATH MATCH MAXIMUM HOT.

LYSTER turns to one of his three SUBMISSIVE valets. "I want you to smuggle this into the arena. Yes, I know you're only going to be wearing electrical tape and a latex thong. How are you supposed to conceal it? Well, that's not my problem, is it? Get creative!

"If the match stays fair... win or lose... do not deploy this. I will stand or fall on my own merits, with nothing but my hands. But if my opponent does something ungentlemanly during or following the match, you hand me this weapon.

"And at the end of the show... well, if I'm booked in a bloody circus, then I'll use a clown toy like the rest.

"Now to see if this thing still works. GIMP!" LYSTER gestures toward the stairs. "Bring me a sausage." LYSTER sneers. "Nothing too big - three or four inches should suffice."

"This lowly worm is honored to serve his master sausage." The GIMP hobbles away and shortly returns with the desired item.

"I think the mythology is that vampires create their progeny through the transfer of blood. I still find the concept ludicrous. But if he sics his little dog on me, he'd best hope so...." LYSTER drops the sausage on the waffle iron grid, turns the dial to DEATH MATCH MAXIMUM HOT, then closes the lid. A hiss and stench of burning meat fill the room.

"...Because that'll be the only we he and his associate ever again reproduce."

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