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Kendall Savannah Sawyer · **12-09-2014, 03:31 PM**

I wish I had a camera on me the second I heard the last promo dropped by Jack and Pest. Reason being, listening to their combined stupidity made me smile wider than I ever have in my entire life and that's something I can't quite replicate. It's like I'm a kid again and this is my Christmas present. Fitting, given the season. Two idiots gift wrapped and left right on my doorstep, waiting, just fucking waiting ever so patiently for the paper to be ripped off and torn to the side.

I'm getting ahead of myself. Well, I'm not if you actually bothered to watch the promo in question but in case you haven't (I don't blame you), allow me to run through and showcase the parts that really stand out as star studded awful. You're welcome.

Hey Jack! Why don't you enlighten me as to why the fuck the reason behind why I first started drink was important enough for you to bring up but not important enough for you to actually follow up with any research? Hell, that could be said about pretty much everything you bring up because you never ever try to ensure anything you say has any basis in reality but specifically, why? Bringing up something that's honestly and truly irrelevant (seriously, are you trying to be a therapist or some shit) only to immediately shoot it down by saying you don't care enough to see if I ever mentioned it in anything I've ever put out which to my knowledge I never have. Why the fuck would I? To get pity? Fuck that, I don't need people feeling sorry for me, especially not people like you. But that's what you're about, isn't it? Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. I oughtta hold off on that one for just a little bit. But seriously, why? Yes I know I've asked this question quite a few times and you more than likely won't actually give me a straight answer because any straight answer you could give will just make you look even dumber than you already manage to do. Seriously.

And now I get to talk about how you're all about tugging on the heartstrings and making people feel oh so sorry for you. In short, you were right when after this little spiel you said I won't give a shit. Not because I'm too drunk to care. Because I don't care enough about you to care about how hard you have it especially when you frame it in a way that screams "I don't care about your problems but here let me shove mine your face to get some tears". Yeah, no. Fuck that. I'm not Iris Oppenheimer and I won't just hand over the win because you shared that riveting story all about how your family's dead. You're gonna have to try a little bit harder than that Jackie. Besides, you probably got a few of those details wrong too, considering your track record.

Segues are weird, guys. Jack literally jumps from his emotionally manipulative ploy for sympathy to children's books. Specifically the Tortoise and the Hare. But, there's a logistical error (go figure) there too. This match hasn't started. We haven't met in the ring and the bell hasn't sounded. In your example, the Hare acted like a fucking assclown during the race and if you think I'm going to lay off the focus in the ring just because I'm facing the easiest win of my career, even moreso than that totally rigged battle royal if you actually listen to Pest like Jack here does, you're fucking delusional. Wait, we already knew that so it's really no surprise that you'd miss the point entirely. It's your calling card. What you're known for, honestly. Failing on every level. As a wrestler, as an orator, and hell I'll throw in as the leader of a supposedly underground organization that millions now know by name because of you putting up in lights, everywhere.

And no, you aren't talking down to me. You're talking up to me. You're on the very bottom of the world, screaming up to the sky in the vain hopes that God hears you. Though I like the part where you say you can't talk to me like I was a normal adult. Very, very smart. Too bad you're always this wrong, you're always this fucking insipid and you're always this fucking whiny. Every time you open your mouth so, is that it? You talk to all of the XWF like this? Well god damn way to make me feel special for something I really shouldn't be feeling special for. You're singling me out regardless of how you do the same thing to everyone. I guess I must be doing something right.

You recognize that phrase, don't you? The one you brought out when you referred to me doing my job and responding to your words. Yes, it's my job. Part of paycheck is based on how many promos I record and send out so it's kinda customary to respond to the bullshit an opponent spews and point out all the flaws (though in your case it'd be faster to point out what you got right, but I'm not about that gold start moral support bullshit). So you're right, I could turn the TV off at any second, but I don't. Because if I'm going to do something, I'm not going to half ass it like you do. That's one of the many things that sets up apart, Jack. You can't be bothered to make sure you get anything right. I can.

I know my enemies and that's why I'm holding the tag team championships, why I held the European Championship until its dying day, why I won a briefcase, and why you haven't accomplished anything whatsoever. Why you'll never accomplish anything. You'll never get to destroy any belts because you'll never win any belts because you're too god damn brain-dead to learn the tools to succeed. They're right there, and you keep pushing them away.

As for your shots to ???, I'll let him counter. Because both of us can speak for ourselves, unlike you who relies on Pest to convey the ideas you want to say but couldn't even think of the words to put it in your ass backward, littered with factual errors, style.

But speaking of Pest, let's get to him.

Like how he takes a page out of Jack's playbook and gets something factually wrong. Bonus points for it being something he brought up on his own volition! Crushed by a building on my cash in day? Oh, come on! You were there! Sure, you might've gotten knocked silly by the DImallisher, the only person legitimately more stupid than Peter Gilmour but you couldn't have really forgotten it that badly! It was pianos. Pianos were the correct answer. Minor? Yes. But you brought it up. I didn't. Laziness just radiates off you two if you can't even get the minor bits of trivia you throw around as talking points right. I mean, Jesus! Fuck me, that's terrible!

Oh wait a second, I got ahead of myself again. I completely missed the part where Pest tried the age old technique of "if I say it enough times, it'll be true" in regards to ??? being my mouthpiece. Do you really think that's how this works? I debunk something completely and you keep repeating it, it'll change reality? Do you really, actually think repetition is the key to success? Wow, that's rich. Just fucking rich, man. You do you Pest, keep on repeating bullshit, I'm sure it'll be right someday.

Like about how Paul Heyman gave me everything! Oh, jeez. Like when he totally was responsible for me winning the Leap of Faith match that gave me the briefcase? How about the cash in where Azrael and I pulled off what you couldn't? And it wasn't even based on the back of your work because Gilly and Dimallisher were able to have another full match right after yours and Flynn's. Or the aforementioned European Title Match? The three biggest wins of my career, accomplishment wise and all of them were done without Heyman's help. So, tell me again how that argument was a smart one to make in the slightest? Oh, it wasn't? Of course it wasn't! Fucking idiot.

Just like literally everything you spew. Again, Heyman and Azrael are how I win everything even though in the Euro and Briefcase matches, I won without any aid and I made the pin in our cash in. Again, I'm soooooooooo dependent on others. Sorry, I'm not you. The two big opportunities you've had since coming back were both at the hands of others. Mark Flynn and his title shot and then Jack winning despite you betraying him! Wow, to think that Jack is the better wrestler of you two and he's fucking abysmal is amazing. You couldn't even betray him right! He won anyway! Wow, Pest. Just, wow. Project your insecurities on someone else, maybe someone who actually fits anything you say because you're failing so far.

And, since you're too stupid to see your own implications, let me spell it out for you. You call ??? out on not responding to you when you apparently put the pressure on and go in with material stronger than childish insults, but before that conversation even existed you ducked out of an argument with Luca Arzegotti who was literally doing nothing more than calling you a

. By your own logic, you ducked him when he came in with less and yet you're calling out ??? for doing the same thing. So either you're the only one allowed to do that, or you're a massive hypocrite, you massive hypocrite. Fuck me you're an idiot if you couldn't even follow that.

Oh, and do talk about how Az and I ripped off Scorpio and Frodo when you're poorly rewording Az's sign off phrase like a raving, rabid fangirl attached to his dick.

Fuck, go back to debating poetry and going after the fat and out of shape.

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