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**Vincent Lane** · **11-05-2014, 10:26 PM** "Loverboy" Fixes the Mechanic -->

Hey there, Big Mac, how’s your old toothless, Scottish ass doing today? Still swinging that pinky dick commando style under your skirt like a manscaped Braveheart? What the ever loving fuck, man? You do know that adult women prefer post-pubescent men with hair between their legs, right? Just because going bare balls reminds you of getting your baby bits nibbled by your mother’s endless stream of “uncles” doesn’t mean you have to force your sick fetish on the chicks you pay to fuck you. Hookers have feelings too, man.

By the way, Griff, how old were you when your daddy left home? Did you ever even meet the guy or is he just a sperm donor? I ask because it’s obvious there was no real male role model in your life, dude. You walk like a chick, you wear women’s clothes… did anyone even teach you to stand up while you piss, you poor bastard? Have you never known the joy of writing your name in Chicago’s famous brown snow? Look, I respect you, Griffin. I’ll give you some grown man pissing advice – don’t zip it up in your fly, man. That is, assuming you even have the quarter inch necessary to reach the zipper with your little Mechanic there.

Look, enough about your secret shame. We need to talk business. Specifically, we need to talk about the career ending injury you’re gearing up to receive in a few days. I know this isn’t your first retirement… hell, this isn’t even your first retirement this year… but I think it’s important to have your affairs in order, just in case, man. Do you have a next of kin on file? Remember, your right hand doesn’t count as a spouse when it comes to estate law. You need to make sure your will is up to date, and that you assign someone power of attorney that you trust – you don’t want some shylock to weasel his way into your life and get away with spending the hard earned dozens of dollars you’ve saved up just because he tricks you into thinking he cares by helping you spoon feed yourself after the Black Label Driver leaves you with tardive dyskinesia. You’ll be lucky to wipe your own ass again after this match leaves you with the PTSD shakes, dude.

Whoa, wait… wait… don’t leave yet, man, come on, at least stick around long enough to actually compete in this match this time, okay? Look, I’m sorry if I’ve been a little harsh on you, dude. Don’t get your little girl feelings all hurt, okay man? Jesus. Just sit down on your little hemorrhoid pillow so you don’t pop a bleeder out of the swollen cronut of an asshole and let me finish.

Griffin… I don’t hate you, dude. In fact, I respect you. Hell, I’ve heard nothing but great things about you from the other old timers in the locker room. Pest says you and him meet at Denny’s every morning so you can share his AARP discount. Times are tough, man, I know the economy had to have taken a shit on your scrap metal recycling “business.” I’m probably the only guy here that respects you enough to tell you the truth, dude. To warn you. Griffin, you’re done. I mean, I know you already know you’re done, that’s why you keep quitting, this business, this life, has beaten you down like Adrian Peterson with a switch in his hand. But trust me, dude, this time you’re really done for good. I don’t wanna hurt you, man, but I’ve gotta do what I’ve gotta do to keep climbing the ladder to the top of the XWF. I’m gonna have to make an example of you just like I did with Azrael, Duke, Enigma, Arzegotti… Hell, even my own partners Gilly and Morbid. I like those guys, man, I need them healthy and strong to retain these Trios titles next week against the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants or whatever Theo’s calling his little sorority. I need them but I still kicked their asses. What do you think that means I’m willing to do to you, huh Griff?

So listen, dude, just do like your mother did when she conceived you - relax and let it happen. Don’t fight back, it’ll just make it worse, you know? After Monday you can go back to your Section 8 apartment, eat some government bread and butter until your beer gut’s good and swollen, and watch whatever Lifetime Original Movie is playing that week. This time you’ll have plenty of time to dedicate to a new hobby. Maybe you can take a pottery class? Or learn to read? Shit, scarecrow, you could really change the world with enough spare time in your third (fourth?) early retirement – with the thoughts you’d be thinkin’ you could be another Lincoln… if you only had a brain.

If you’re cool about it all, I might even let you fix my car. I wore the shocks out with your old lady last night.

Just be ready, Griff. That’s all I’m trying to say, man. And try to make it look good before you take the dive, okay man? I don’t want to get accused of a hate crime or anything for taking out an obvious invalid.

Tick tock, Mac. See you soon.

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