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Guppy Parsh · **11-03-2014, 11:16 PM**

~Act VII~

To Whomever It May Concern,

Are these supposed to be written in letter format? Well, that's what I'm doing.

Anyway, I am Stevil McButevil and this is my last will in testament. If you’re reading this it means Loverboy’s

blood wasn’t actually good enough for the blood transfusion and I died from Ebola and took out an entire hospital in the process. My death was very tragic and I’m sorry if any of you

dreamed about having sex with me before I died. Your dreams will never come true if you dreamed about fucking me with my heart beating while I was in the position to return your loving embrace. However, if anyone dreamed about fucking me while I was dead I will give you the opportunity to fuck my corpse now.

---

That’s what my life has been about since day one. I’ve been making other people’s dreams come true since the day I was born. My father had a dream about having a son. I made it come true when I became male. My mother dreamed of having a doctor in the family. I made it come true when I got my doctorate in Women’s Studies. Guppy Parsh dreamed of making amazing promos. I shot 13 amazing promos for Guppy. I made his life thirteen times more fulfilled.

I am a very generous guy as you all can tell. Generosity is what makes men into gods, which is why I will be donating my entire estate to the starving children of Africa.

The rest of you will have to be content with the fact that I’ve improved all your lives with my presence.

And Guppy, my dearest and humblest friend, don’t let ‘Extract’s’ Ben Affleck down. You weren’t the hero I needed. You are the hero he needs.

I will now leave you all with a poem.

Stevil is dead
Now the world is bleak. Art had its peak
Burn me
Let fire consume what's left
The only beautiful thing in the world was gone
When I took my last breath

Love,
“The Based God of Promo Directing”
Stevil Rose McButevil

~Act VIII~

“That’s a lot of death, Guppy.”

“I know.”

“Why’d you kill these people? What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“I didn’t kill them.”

“You didn’t save them either. I’m ashamed. I thought you and Stevil were friends.”

“We were.”

“Friends don’t let friends die.”

“I did everything I could.”

“You’re a fucking loser. Just like Tri Bute.”

“I told you. I did everything I could.”

“My ass.”

“Excuse you?”

“My fucking ass. You’re a liar, Guppy.”

“No, I was lied to.”

~Act IX~

Ryan, Oklahoma
October 11th, 2014

“WelCOME to the 2014 CEREMONY OF DEATH,” the voice was blue with the cancer of demise, “I HAVE big news.”

The room quieted as the keynote speaker prepared its words.

“Stevil is dead. THE FUTURE IS OVER,” the voice felt like a stunned mullet, “I made the BAT a SAD BAT.”

CHEERING!

“Guppy Parsh killed my best friend, so I CREATED A VIRUS and killed his. GOTHAM IS OURS!” the voice crackled with grief, “This former doctor is not and was not a hero. He was my TOOL. I gave him everything and then I took it away. It’s time FOR OUR RETRIBUTION. While fishboy dries his tears we will take our city FOREVER.”

The voice roasted a turkey with its laser vision.

"BUT 1st we feast!"

~Act X~

Gotham
November 3rd, 2014

Underground, that’s where the unwanted go after they’ve been driven away. That’s where the demons hide.

I’ve been blind for too long. Ebola doesn’t have a cure. I shouldn’t have been that stupid. I knew that. I knew that Dr. Tor was a liar. I knew I couldn’t trust that voice. I was so desperate that I’d believe anything, even some guy who doesn’t know what Ebola does to normal people. Honesty isn’t credibility. Hysteria isn’t fear.

KNOCK!

The door creaked open.

[Image: Jim-Cornette.jpg]

“The door was unlocked, so I invited myself in. Is there a Tri Bute here?”

The cold air leaked in from the outside world, from the doorway destined to stay forever closed. The man in the suit began to wonder why he just called out to what seemed to be an empty room. Perhaps he had the wrong address. “Hello?”

He was about to turn and leave when a figure emerged from the shadows. It was a little close to Halloween for such a spook and that holiday still gave him the jitters.

“I think I’m Tri Bute if Stevil isn’t. I don’t know.”

“I’m Retep Ruomlig, the promo director’s union sent me over to take over Mr. McButevil’s contractual obligations. I’m sorry for your loss.”

“Oh, I guess that’s cool. Do you want a slice of pizza?”

“No thanks, I can’t eat Italian food. It’s not healthy enough.”

“Stevil said the pizza is really healthy.”

“Didn’t he get Ebola from pizza? I need to make sure I’m alive and well so I can finish up Stevil’s contract and get my bonus, so I’ll pass.”

“That’s something Stevil would say if he didn’t like pizza,” smiled Guppy.

“Oh good, so shall we get started? That promo deadline is tomorrow and the three scenes I shot a month ago definitely aren’t compelling enough to represent us on their own.”

Guppy eyes met the urn on his desk. He hated looking at that thing. It had ashes in it.

“I’m not really feeling up for it, Reeteep. I-,”

“It’s Retep. It’s Future German. I don't recommend dragging 'e's it sounds fucking

and not at all hysteria-inducing.”

“I wasn't trying to cause hysteria.”

"Whatever, please don't say my name like that. It hurts my feelings."

"I'm sorry. What does Retep mean in Futrure German?"

“It means ‘to Blow’ as in ‘blow my dick’.”

“That sounds made up.”

“It’s not.”

“Okay.”

“Now that that’s sorted, I wrote out a promo for you and I’d like to do a few takes.”

Retep Ruomlig handed Guppy a sheet of paper with lots of words on it. Guppy’s head began to quake. It felt like years since he had read anything. Did he remember how?

“If you need any help or you want to try something else feel free to tell me. My mind is always open to other paths. It doesn’t matter to me if anything on that paper makes it in the final promo. I just want our promo to be the very best. We’re a team. My vision isn’t what’s important; your success is the only thing that matters to me.”

It all sounded so reassuring, ideal even, but Retep’s feet were small and his foot was only just in the door. The hole that the masked man left was an abyss. An extended family could live comfortably in Stevil’s shoes and leaving those shoes sitting idle for a month didn’t do anything thing to break them in. Retep’s hesitance and healthy diet couldn’t ever replace pure promo genius.

Guppy knew that, but he had to move on with his life. He knew he couldn’t let the grief hold him back anymore. If Stevil couldn’t be the auteur the world needed, then it was Guppy’s turn.

~Act XI~

"Hi! My friend Retep helped me write this promo, so I figured I'd share it. It has really important information in it about my match on Wednesday. Okay, here it comes.

My name is Guppy Parsh, I used to be a doctor but now I wrestle and fight crime instead :-D! Anyway, I am facing this really funny guy named Hysteria in a match of my choosing on Wednesday for my Ruler of the Realm of Extreme Xtreme WORLD Championship. The XWF has a lot of big belts and I think it's really neat that I have one. I like defending my belt because it make me feel like a proud parent. I have to raise this belt, feed it, and teach it the life lessons necessary for it to become a functional belt in the XWF!

However, the death of a close friend last month had its effects on me and I've been grieving instead of making promos or fighting crime. I've been neglecting all my duties and that isn't okay. I have to let you all know what's happening on Wednesday and for that I'm sorry for taking so long.

I mentioned earlier that I will be facing Hysteria and that I got to pick the match, so I've decided to pick a Lumberjack Match with the guys in The Asylum as the lumberjacks! Hysteria's friends seem really interested in the match, so I think they should get the best seats in the house! If we get carried away and start fighting on the outside, members of The Asylum can make sure we get back in the ring, also they could keep other people away from the ring so nobody interferes and the match can stay fair.

Okay! That's all I had to say. Thanks for watching my promo! I'll see you guys on Wednesday!"

Guppy fin.

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