(THE FOLLOWING IS FROM A FEATURE ON XWF99.COM. CAMERAS MANAGED TO PICK UP THE MOMENTS BEFORE AIDAN COLLINS’ MATCH WITH CAIN AND LUNA HIGHTOWER… RIGHT UP TO AIDAN BREAKING UP CAIN’S PIN ON LUNA. CATCH THE REST OF THE MATCH ON WARFARE’S ONLINE RESULT VIDEO DATABASE.)


Aidan Collins stands backstage, holding a water bottle while wearing his wrestling attire. He seems pretty focused, as his match is in a little bit. On the line is a shot at the Universal Title. It’s the belt he’s returned to the XWF to hold so, needless to say, it’s present on his mind.

Also present on his mind is the fact that he’s spent most of this week naked and alone in the Australian outback. While he reached his goal of knocking up an Abo, he has fallen behind schedule with his fertility campaign. At his pace, he’ll only impregnate 98 females this year… not 100.

As he thinks about this and takes a big swig of the water, he looks across the backstage area and spots

A teenager holding a clipboard walks up to Aidan, trembling slightly. Unbeknownst to Aidan, the kid is a huge fan of Aidan’s. It’s also his first week working for the Perth Arena which mounts a pretty big amount of pressure on the lad.

“Your match is up soon, Mr. Collins,” the nervous boy says.

“Yeah about that…” Aidan says with voice trailing off. “I’ve actually been in the woods for the last half week. Long story. Ate some mushrooms. Banged an abo. Only got a single nut… so, um, I think you’d understand that I’m a little thirsty right now.”

“For water, Mr. Blizzard?”

“Nah, little dude.” Aidan shakes his head and gestures to the water bottle he’s already holding. “I can see this conversation isn’t going to go far because of the language and age barriers… but regardless, I have to go and get my dick wet.

“That’s American for ‘I need to fuck that bitch’.”

Aidan walks past the confused young Aussie before walking straight up to the blonde. While he begins to talk he throws his water bottle into a garbage can that’s like 50 yards away. What a throw. Eli Manning-esque.

“Hi!” Aidan says while smiling. “Did you know that I have an Outback Steakhouse gift card with 85 dollars on it?”

The blonde smiles, thinking that Aidan’s clever and cute. Mainly, she’s just caught a whiff of his cloud of pheromones which is enough to swell any bitch’s clam.

“Since I’m a famous celebrity, I’ve been authorized to offer Outback’s grand special. You get a bun in the oven along with dinner. Read me? I’m going to bust a load in your womb, ma.”

They start making out immediately, all gratuitous like. He licks her face, she starts rubbing herself on the outside of her jeans, and Aidan pulls her by the hair. He then picks her up and carries her towards the trainer’s room.

“Bliz, your match!” the stagehand yells out.

“Just watch the door, kid!” Aidan says before walking in the trainer’s room and closing the door behind him.

The stagehand waits outside the door, scared that he’s doing something wrong by acting lookout for Aidan. He can faintly hear some noises from the inside of the room while he stands on patrol.

First he hears some female giggling.

Then he hears a zipper being undone.

A female gasp.

He can hear some slight humming and a male voice singing softly. “I’m kinda buzzed… and it’s all because… this is how we do it…”

He hears a table screeching as it’s pushed on the tile floor. He then hears some heavy breathing and some slight female moaning. He also feels like he hears some clapping noises but he can’t decipher those ones because he’s a virgin fuck.

Just then a wall in front of the stage hand explodes! That’s the wall Cain threw Luna through!

Luna lays in a heap on the floor as Cain picks up by the neck and drags her out and towards the ring.

Finally the young stagehand has had too much. He bangs on the door feverishly.

“Blizzard! YOUR MATCH IS ON! CAIN JUST THREW LUNA THROUGH A WALL!”

The thumping sounds of the trainer’s table being banged against the wall pick up. The frequency of the thumping increases in speed exponentially, eventually sounding like an accomplished snare drummer in a Nick Cannon movie playing as quickly as he can. The female’s voice rings out in a scream hitting a high note like Mariah Carey singing while pinching her own nipples.

It’s really amazing to think that Aidan is humping the slut at this supersonic speed. He’s a fucking Superhero, a hero of fucking.

“Aussie! Aussie! Aussie! OY! OY! OY!” the young female voice screams out.

“OOOOOOooooooooOAHAHAHAHAHhAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!” Aidan’s voice letting out a Tarzan yell can be heard through the door and probably in half of the arena.

There’s a brief moment of silence before the door bursts open. Aidan strides out in his wrestling attire, doing the Ric Flair ‘I just busted a nut’ pimp strut. He finally feels somewhat normal, at least good enough to win the match he has tonight.

He sees the stagehand staring at him.

“What?”

Aidan looks down and sees that his dick is still erect.

“Oh shit, still rocking a raging boner! HAHA! Welp, I’m out of here to wrestle. Maybe I’ll hit those idiots with my dick!”

“YOU CAN’T DO THAT!” The stagehand screams out.

“It’s okay, I’m not embarrassed, my dick is pretty and-“

“NO, you don’t understand Mr. Collins,” the stagehand explains. “Our PM, Tony Abbott, is a complete knobber! He’s doing everything he can to take justice away from people. He’s taking away our violent video games. He hates freedom and if your majestic boner gets on television, he’ll throw a fit! He’s not someone you want to fuck around with.”

“Wow, I didn’t even know that. Thanks for filling me in, kid.

“You’re a true hero,” Aidan says while his boner slightly pokes the kid in the leg.

Aidan grabs a robe that had been lying around and puts it on. He then jogs out of the back and into the main part of the arena.

Since he has the robe on, he doesn’t have to worry about his erection showing. The crowd murmurs as he sneaks out, waiting Cain continue his assault on Luna. Aidan sneaks as inconspicuously as he cans. If Cain sees Aidan, he might try to attack him which would reveal his erection… And Cain would probably try to suck Aidan’s dick. Aidan manages to get out without being seen, though.

Aidan hunches behind the side of the ring, keeping his erection hidden. He wants to get involved but he remembers how big of a douche the Australian Prime Minister is. If he enters the ring and the Australian public sees his magnificent stiffy, they might throw him in prison… Or worse, they might even kick him out of the country and fly him back to the United States in business class instead of first. That’s a 20 hour flight!

No, that’s not an option. Have you ever flown in business class? Sometimes you have to wait before you’re able to order wine. Aidan isn’t willing to put THAT much at risk.

Aidan thinks on his feet and realizes that if he’s going to go soft, he needs to view things that will make his penis go down.

CURRENT BONER STATUS: 100%

Aidan looks in the ring and sees Luna’s flat ass as Cain picks her up by the neck.

CURRENT BONER STATUS: 96%

Cain throws Luna on the ground and her head bounces off the mat, leaving her crosseyed and probably concussed.

CURRENT BONER STATUS: 94%

Aidan’s boner is barely effected even though Luna is busted as fuck. Aidan quickly realizes that he’s going to need to think of gross, unsexual thoughts.

Aidan closes his eyes immediately thinks of the “real” Barney Green with his shirt off cutting a promo.

CURRENT BONER STATUS: 63%

‘There we go, finally some progress’ Aidan thinks as he cycles through the next image in his anti-fap bank.

Aidan remembers how Peter Gilmour was covered in shit the week prior. Peter definitely licked his fingers to tongue some of the doodoo and it was caught on camera.

CURRENT BONER STATUS: 35%

There we go! Only a little bit more to go before he can finally get involved with the match!

Aidan squeezes his eyes real hard and…

BOOBS! GIGANTIC PERKY TITS!

CURRENT BONER STATUS: 49%

“Goddamn it!” Aidan yells out. There’s always a possibility for a man closing his eyes to see hooters, boobs are just that awesome.

Aidan yelling catches Cain by surprise and he looks around looking for the noise… but is unable to detect where it is coming from. Dismissing it as nothing, he goes over to the downed Luna and picks up her up. He’s going for THE DEVASTATION OF MAN. His finishing maneuver!

It’s at this point that Aidan realizes that he needs to think of something that will make any man’s dick shrivel right the fuck up. He closes his eyes and imagines something utterly fucked up...

…

Peter Gilmour’s mom, on the operating table, 30 some-odd years ago. She screams as the doctors tell her to relax and stop being so ugly. She pushes as hard as she can as a large smelly queef rings out. One doctor passes out while the other doctor tries to catch the slimy mutant baby that shoots out like a t-shirt being launched out of a cannon at a WNBA game. He misses and the baby crashes on the floor.

The doctor turns around and screams.

“That baby has a boner!”

It’s little Peter Gilmour, covered in placenta. His head is deformed by the force that his mom’s pussy fart exerted on his cranium. He cries, his face ugly as fuck. His little babydick, all 1.5 centimeters of it, is hard and hooked severely to the left.

Yes, Peter Gilmour was an ugly baby. Yes, he was born with a boner. This is something he’s actually claimed.

…

BONER STATUS: DEFEATED
DICK STATUS: SHRIVELED INTO BODY

Aidan snaps out of his thought just as Cain goes to cover Luna. He slides in the ring as the ref is making the count and jumps on top of Cain, breaking up the pinfall!


(THIS IS THE END OF XWF99.com’s exclusive look into last week’s Warfare!)