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Blizzard · **09-29-2014, 10:45 PM**

Let’s recap what happened on last week’s Warfare….

I was expecting to roll into Perth and have a fair match for the Universal Title’s #1 Contendership. Winning the match would be the launching pad that would eventually lead to #JusticeForAidan. I’d beat Cain and Luna and then go on to a Universal title match in Mexico…

Of course, nothing is ever fucking easy for me. Once again, I was the victim of a massive conspiracy.

Cain attacked Luna Hightower from behind, threw her through a fucking wall, and tried to pin her before I even knew the match had started. I don’t blame him because that was actually smart strategy. Cain knew that if we had a fair start that I’d win the match in no time. I’ve finally hit my stride in this XWF run and there’s no way that Cain can beat me in fair circumstances. So Cain trying to steal one and end up in a Universal Title match was a logically sound thing to do. I don’t blame him for that. Everyone knows that I can kick the fuck out of Cain. He knows it, too.

Shane

is out of his fucking mind so even though Cain was technically cheating by assaulting a (100 pound) girl from behind before the match started,

thought it was a good idea to start the match early. Cain probably knew

would allow this type of tomfoolery and took advantage. When you consider the fact that I’m vastly more talented than Cain, it was his only shot to try to squeak out a victory.

Unluckily for the dipshit with the vampire teeth, I was able to handle some business backstage quickly and get out just in time to break up his cheap-o pin attempt. I ended up spearing the everloving fuck out of Luna and Cain. I then used the unconscious ref’s hand to get the pinfall. I had climbed the mountain and made dreams into reality, I was going to be in a Universal Title match for the first time in 5 years…

Or so I thought.

Shane

came out and made some delusional rant about how I started late even though that was only because Cain cheated and started early! He’s a cheating fuck! I did my best to make the count for the ref, who I knocked out and possibly killed by complete accident. Heck, I proved that I’m able to objectively ref my own matches because I made a perfect three count out of it. There was no doubt that I earned my victory and I feel like I’m honestly being justice raped.

I’ve given the decision a lot of thought and the only thing I can come up with is that Shane

wanted to delay my Universal Title match for the PPV. He knows, like the world knows, that Cain is just a punching bag for me to throw around. So putting me in another match this week is just a way to delay my shot. Even though Shane

is a certifiable mental patient, he probably understands that selling Pay-Per-Views helps put money in his pockets. Everyone loves dolla dollas, even lunatics, and there’s no better way to sell a PPV than by featuring Aidan “Dick of God” Collins.

The only issue is that selling pay-per-views has come before providing justice. That’s what really ruffles my jimmies about the whole thing. Clarence Thomas would give Shane

a Stone Cold Stunner if he knew what was going on over here.

I honestly feel like there should be some sort of governmental oversight agency policing the XWF, saving people like me from tyranny.

I’m not going to let the injustice break my momentum, though. All the great social justice leaders of our times have persevered through tough times and it just made them more inspirational. Nelson Mandela served a long prison sentence held down by the man before being released from jail to become King of Africa. Gandhi used hunger strikes to oppose the British Monarchy while cutting his body fat percentage so he could get dat dere otter mode physique. Bill Clinton got caught with his dick in some fat chick’s mouth while he was supposed to be fixing problems in Kosovo… These are all champions of our times and they persevered through the lowest of the low. I promise to you, America, that I’ll persevere through this bad-as-the-Holocaust treatment. I’ll do it for you.

I’ll do it for us.

Despite the fact I whooped his ass 6 days ago, Cain is out here every 48 hours on the dot to ramble on about dumb shit and pretend like I’m too scared to talk about him. You’re the one that tried to sneak a win last week, pussy. What do I have left to prove against you? I’ve already proven I’m the greater man and I don’t have to come out here and make fake origin stories to make people forget about my in-ring performances.

For someone who continually hypes themselves up to be some sort of monster, you do tend to bitch and moan quite often, Cain. Does baby need his bottle or are you just crying like a

because you want more attention?

It’s not like I’ve been ducking you, needledick. Some of us actually have lives outside of wrestling. You have to remember that I’ve got a strict schedule when it comes to planned impregnation sessions. I’m too busy populating to be cutting promos about you. I spoke about you last week and then I beat your ass. What purpose would it serve to continually shit on you and your pathetic existence? I’m not a sadist like you pretend to be. Going on and on about how I kicked the shit out of you last week doesn’t do anything for me. I’m a good guy and I’d rather focus on the good, like my charity work or my gene-spreading.

Aidan Collins isn’t a character I put on for the cameras. I’m not pretending to be some sort of murderer like you, Cain, and I’m not making up a fairytale about my existence that’s clearly fabricated like you’ve done all week. I’m a real dude that does real things. In fact, I think it’s quite obvious that, out of all the stars in the XWF, I have the firmest grasp on reality. That’s why it’s such a good thing that I’m about to have over a 100 children over the next 15 months. Hopefully my children turn out as down to earth as me.

Cain is a character. He’s a fake monster played by a guy who has a very weak grasp on reality. Cain is aware of his own mediocrity and he literally talks about it non-stop, trying to cover his tracks by saying dumb shit like “but my time is now!” Listen, bro… Any time someone has to put a ‘but’ in a sentence describing why they’re good, it’s a bad sign. You’ve been getting your ass kicked non-stop for the last few weeks, Cain. It’s ironic how much you talk about hating LH Harrison considering how much you mimic his “believe in me” nonsense. It’s sad as fuck.

Like I’ve said, I’ve already proven that I’m “Abel” to beat Cain. It’s a good thing for the XWF because I’m someone who can truly lead this company into a new era of greatness. My journey started 6 weeks ago and I’ll reach my goals until our dream, of Aidan Collins as champion, is met. I’m not about to fall to someone I’ve already beaten.

I’m going to roll into Mexico, beat Cain’s stupid ass, and celebrate by knocking up a bunch of Mexican broads that will pop out Collins’ luchadores like a Mexican factory producing microwaveable burritos.

It’ll be glorious.

Truth Until Death.
#JusticeForAidan.

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode I'm not ducking you, Cain.
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