“Todd! We’re going to Russia!”

T: “Really? Why?”

“There’s a tournament going on, I want to win it!”

T: “Oh, the mini gauntlet.”

“That’s the one, big money involved.”

T: “You also get to pick your number for Gauntlet City and if you win that, you get a Universal title shot.”

“Ah, I don’t care about the title.”

T: “WHAT!? Why?”

“I wanna see how this TV title run plays out; I just want to win this tournament, pick number one at Gauntlet City and see how many fuckers I can take out.”

T: “But why?”

“Just because. It’ll be fun!”


*Gator and Todd walk through St. Petersburg, both men wearing long warm looking Russian coats and traditional Russian hats. Gator is smoking a cigarette and is slowly passing through crowds of people staring at him, Todd looks slightly worried from how the people are looking at the pair*

T: "Gator do you know these people?"

"Nope." *Gator turns to an old women staring at him with squinted eyes* "SUCK MY DICK!"

*The old woman jolts back and quickly steps away, cursing in Russian*

"What the hell did that old bat say?"

*Gator walks quickly over to the old woman and grabs her by the shoulders*

T: "Gator! What the fuck are you doin!?"

"Restoring my integrity!!!"

*Gator grabs the old women by the shoulders and begins to violently spin her around as she screams like *

T: "Gator! Holy fucking shit stop that!"

"One more spin! ... Why aren't people counting along!? This is more impressive than Cesaro's shit!"

T: "Gator come on!"

"... Fine."

*Gator slows down and release his grip, the old lady still screaming runs away. Gator bursts out in laughter as Todd looks mortified*

"Вы там! Стоп!"

*4 men aim assault rifles at Gator and Todd. Todd throws his arms in the air, surrendering immediately. Gator lifts his head up, still chuckling from his laughing fit. Seeing this the passing crowds panic and disperse.*

"Oh shit... You guys speak English? My knowledge of the Russian language starts and ends with Red Dawn."

T: "Why does this always happen to us?"

"Their discriminating me because I'm an American Todd."

"Заткнись !"

"Was their a 3 in there? Russian is weird."

*The armed Russians mumble to one another, still aiming their weapons at the pair*

T: "Just because you passed your citizenship test does not mean your American."

"Yeah it does. That's what it's for."

T: "But not everyone can see you're American!"

"You're right. Maybe I should paint the star spangled banner on my mask."

T: "That's there song, not the name of the flag... Right?"

"Beats me."

*Todd slowly lowers his arms as the Russian continue to speak to one another*

"I think I can convince them not to shoot me, you're on your own Todd."

T: "Please don't, you'll just make things worse."

"Hello Ruskies! My name is Red Skull!"

*The armed Russians lock their eyes on Gator as he steps forward*

"Now, I know what you're thinking. Granny spinning is wrong, or is it? Why Lenin built the foundations of the Motherland on spinning grandmothers, Putin perfected the art in the eighties. I worked hard on this sport, it was the only way to put a stop to the evil capitalists and their whore Captain America! The foolish Americans could not comprehend granny spinning, they were boggled by our ancient techniques, we scared them!"

"Хватит!"

"Gesundheit."

"We find you infuriating masked man."

"Wow. You see that Todd, 2 minutes with me and they're speaking perfect English. I am a goddamn miracle worker."

"You American?"

"Todd's Canadian, I'm American from the waist down."

“You come with us.”

“I’m flattered but I’m in a relationship, and I’m straight.”

“Not you mask man.” *The armed Russian talking shifts the barrel of his gun towards Todd* “The whale.”

T: “I’m not that fat.”

*Gator scoffs and turns to Todd*

“You’re fatter than [REDACTED].”

T: “Didn’t he leave?”

“Probably eat himse- UH!”

*Gator was hit in the back of the head with the blunt end of a rifle. He falls to the ground and the footage goes black*








*The footage comes back. Gator sits unconscious on a bench, a piece of paper stuck to his coat. He slowly wakes up with a grunt grabbing his head*

“Whe-Where am I? ...”

*Gator sits forward and looks at the park in front of him. He puts his head down and uses his hands to feel his the bump on the back of his head, he notices the piece of paper and removes it from his coat, reading it out loud*

“Masked man, we have your friend. If you want him back, bring 10,000 US dollars to us by Thursday at midnight. We will meet in front of Kremlin. Be there or your friend will die.... 10 grand, huh, that’s convenient.”

*Gator throws the piece of paper, letting the wind take it away. He stands up and stretches. He takes a cigarette from his pocket and lights it, inhaling the smoke deeply as he scans the surrounding area. Gator starts to slowly walk but grabs at his heart and lets out a pained groan*

“Fuck! Todd has my pills in his bag... Wait... Crimson Face? ... Are-are you in Russia?”

*Gator tries to ignore the pain and stands up straight, looking around sporadically*

“Crimson! Can you hear me!?”

*No sound*

“I know you can feel this too man, come on, I need your help..... Ha, I think I can hear you.... Where!? ... Okay, thank you.”

*Gator takes a drag of his cigarette and begins to move. He takes out his phone*

“... Yes, I would let to make a collect call ... Gator, no wait Jacob! ........................... Hey Scarlett. Yeah, Todd’s been kidnapped by what I suspect is the KGB but it could just be Russian gangsters. I know right haha... I am too taking this seriously! ... Well, you said to ring you when I can, oh and can I borrow ten thousand dollars? ... Okay, thanks anyway honey. Talk to you soon.”

*Gator puts the phone back in his pocket and continues to walk, whistling. A flyer hits his leg and sticks, he grabs the paper and looks at it*

“... Battle of the Bands! Sweet! Oh, no it’s some dumb wrestling thing... Aha! The tournament! I will win it and use the money to get Todd back! Or I could use my own money ... Or I could ask Ozymandias... But that won’t be as entertaining. Okay, I’ll enter the tournament and save Todd! But I need my pills or else my heart is going to explode. Why am I saying this out loud?”

*Gator continues to walk*

Hello? Anybody in here?

You don’t need to ask if anybody’s in your own head, idiot.

Why did you answer yourself then?

I don’t know, that dude must have hit me pretty fucking hard. Okay, enough of this shit, people already make the Deadpool comparisons, don’t want to give them more material by talking to myself. Okay, so here are my options.

One. Participate in the tourney and win the grand prize to save Todd.

Two. Do the boring thing and use my own or Ozy’s money to save Todd, quick and easy.

Three. Crimson Face telepathically told me where to find the guys who took Todd, I could just go there guns blazing and rescue Todd in a bad ass way, get my angina medicine back and use the winnings of the tournament on a new car and stuff.

Four. Go for a pint in the Winchester and wait for all this to blow over...

I think I’ll go with option three. Option three is cool.

“Option three is really cool.”

*Gator stops on the path and spots the old lady from before, the pair lock eyes for a moment and it’s super intense. The old women begins to run away but Gator gives chase*

“HEY! Get back here! I want to show Cesaro how it’s done!”

*Gator chases the old woman, hoping to spin her around once more. The footage transitions to Todd bound to a chair by thick ropes*

T: “... Hello!? ... Anybody?”

*A large man walks in holding a machete*

T: “No, please!”

“You’re friend will come or else you will be chopped into little pieces!”

T: “Wh-Who are you guys?”

“We are your kidnapper hahaha! Now that I’ve answered your question, let me ask you one. Which is your least favourite finger?”

T: “NO! PLEASE!!!”

*The large man slowly walks to Todd, menacingly running his fingers on the machete. Todd screams ... Holy shit this is getting a bit too real. Okay, fade to black!!!*