Aidan finds himself standing near baggage claim at Berlin Tegel Airport. He just got off an extremely long flight that went poorly. A baby cried the entire 8 hour flight, first class didn’t have any Chandon to drink, and Aidan only managed to fuck one of the three flight attendants. He just wants to get his bag, go to his hotel, and sleep with a defoliating mask on and with sliced cucumbers over his eyes.

As he stands there, a song starts to play from his jean pocket.

“We’re going to party, Karamu, fiesta, forever… Come on and sing along!”

Aidan pulls his phone out and lets it ring out one “All night long!” from the chorus of Lionel Richie’s best song before answering the unlisted number.

“You’re speaking with Aidan, master cocksman and avid social justice advocate.”

“Hi, Aidan, it’s Amanda. I just wanted to let you know that I just took a home pregnancy test.”

“You’re calling to tell me about taking a leak? Well, I just took a fat piss while the airport here in Germany played a Hasselhof song. Shit was hilarious.”

“Aidan, I’m pregnant!” There’s an extended pause as Aidan doesn’t respond at all. “Um, and it’s your baby.”

“Oh shit! I’m going to be a dad! I’m going to be a dad!” Aidan then realizes that he actually has no fucking clue who just called him. He puts the phone back to his ear. “Wait, who is this again?"

“It’s Amanda.”

“Who?”

“Amanda Williams?”

“Who?”

“Amanda Williams from Atlanta?”

“Not ringing a bell.”

“You kept making fun of a birthmark on my butt.”

“Oh, SPLOTCH ASS! How’s it going, Splotchy? You remember how hard it was for me to come inside you? I was SOOOOO tempted to cum on that splotch mark but, through sheer and perseverance, I busted a chunky load deep inside you. It paid off! You’re going to birth one of my first children! Wow.”

“Yeah, so I was thinking that since we’re going to go through this process together-“

Aidan hangs up the phone.

“I’m going to be a dad!” Aidan says while putting a fist in the air.

The group of passengers around him clap in a small show of appreciation.

“MY SPERM IS POTENT AS FUCK. 3 CHEERS FOR MY JIZZ. HIP-HIP HOORAY. HIP-HIP HOORAY. HIP-HIP HOORAY!”

No one joined in the chanting but Aidan doesn’t seem to care, he’s on top of the world. He starts running around the airport giving out a bunch of high fives to people of various nationalities, most of whom are totally confused by his behavior. He jumps on the roundabout that the luggage comes out on and he acts like he’s surfing before jumping off and doing a cartwheel.

“Damn,” Aidan says after the cartwheel, catching his breath. “There’s only one way to celebrate making one woman pregnant…. BY MAKING MORE PREGNANT!”

Aidan bursts out of the airport, forgetting about his luggage and on the prowl for more pussy.
- - -

So Luke Gunnar comes out in his last promo and chastises me for saying that I’ve done good, ignoring the fact that I had literally just done good by putting my weiner on the cloud to show solidarity for the Fappening victims. He says that it’s important to actually do good, not to just tell people about it. It’s not about the photos you take with those African kids, it’s about feeding them. Well, numbnuts, I’ll have you know that I took a bunch of selfies while shoving Pop Tarts down their throats. You can check them out on my official Facebook page and it proves that I fed those kids. You can also watch a video of me teaching them how to breakdance as it’s an important part of their culture that they have not been educated on. I’m a great fucking liberator, bro. I use social media to educate others on how to do things not just because I like looking at the photo galleries later on. I have my cake and I eat it too.

It wasn’t Luke Gunnar saying that actions are more important than words that really ruffled my jimmies, though. On the surface level, he’s right. What really agitated me is that he says that LITERALLY 1 MINUTE after bragging about how he was the superhero of some vaguely racist story.

What’s that? No one actually watches Luke Gunnar promos? Oh, well, I guess I’ll explain the story in verbatim.

Luke Gunnar was on his way to work as bell-ringer at Notre Dame when a group of basketball Americans rolled by him and started giving him compliments on his fictional girlfriend. Then these same “filthy animals”, as he described them, drove up to this innocent 12 year old who was skipping while suggestively licking on a lollipop. They start hollering at her all like “ooga booga, give me some of dat little white pussy, my name’s Barack”. Then they get out and start rubbing their BBCs all up on her head and shit. Now, Luke Gunnar is a goddamn hero so he runs over there and starts doing these karate kicks from this Billy Blank video that he used to whack it to… Once again, his words, not mine… And he knocks the shit out of them. They pull off in their Oldsmobile while screaming about food stamps and Gunnar grabs the little girl by the leg and drags her to her house. He leaves her on the front porch before her dad can come outside with a shotgun and put Luke out of his fucking misery. He’s then given the medal of honor by the Unified Group for Loathsome Youths, or as you may know them, UGLY. The end, everyone wins, Luke’s the hero.

Now the reason why Luke told this story is that he was inspired by my actions in my last promo. It just goes to show how influential I can be. Luke thought that he needed to one up me by telling some lame ass, contrived story that made him look like some sort of hero. Why he felt the need to then explain how doing good is more important than talking about the good you’ve done is completely beyond me… But to be fair, I don’t really understand a lot of what the guy is saying anyway. He barely opens his mouth when he speaks and is always spitting dark-colored loogies in the middle of sentences. He goes on asides about digging up “Abby Normal” bodies and generally, he just comes off as some sort of weirdo. Hoping for consistency from someone like Luke Gunnar is just a bit too much.

Luke Gunnar said that he’s going to put me in my place this week and I wish that I could say the same thing but I’m not going to put the effort into putting him into a cage at the Berlin Zoo. What I will promise is that I’m going to stroll down to the ring, kick his ass, and celebrate by putting my schnitzel into some Nazi descendants clam. I have not been performing to my own standards so far in this XWF run and, while beating Luke Gunnar will do little to solidify myself as the greatest wrestler in the world today, it’s a start.

Wednesday Night Warfare is going to be the canvas for me to paint with greatness as a true wrestling artiste. I will execute holds and suplexes with such precision that I’ll redefine what it means to be a good wrestler. I will show the world what’s possible with humanity and I will inspire them to make the world a better place. Luke Gunnar doesn’t have the power to bring good to the world like that. By winning, I will inherently receive #JusticeForAidan and I will set the XWF ablaze into a new era of passion and dignity. Luke Gunnar can try to club me on the head because he looks like a fucking cave man but his attempts to keep me down will not work. Will I beat Luke Gunnar? Yes. I. Can. And Yes I will.

Truth Until Death