A spotlight opens onto Michael Buffer, standing in the center of a professional wrestling ring. He looks fly as fuck, his bow tie making him look like the senior trainer at a Chippendales Academy. His teeth shine in the spotlight, white as the center of Barney Green’s lazy eye. He looks into a camera mounted on a crane and announces with the bravado he’s known for.

“WHOOOO!!? WANTS TO BE IMPREGNATED BY A RICH GUYYY?!”

The crane pulls backwards for artistic effect. Then the camera cuts feed, having gotten the shot they needed. Michael Buffer walks out of the ring and towards the director’s chair which is nearby.

In the chair sits Aidan Collins, wearing a newsboy cap and a linen scarf. He holds a Cinnamon Dolce Crème Frappuccino in one hand and a tiny Chihuahua wearing a tiara in the other.

“Great job, Michael,” Bliz says reassuringly in a condescending manner while nodding his head. "We'll definitely use that for the opening credits."

“NO PROBLEM!” Michael yells out, clearly unable to control the volume of his voice. “I HAVE TO USE THE RESTROOOOOOM!”

With how loud he speaks, Bliz is unaware if there’s some sort of emergency. He grabs an unpaid intern quickly.

“Hey, take Mr. Buffer to the bathroom, I think he’s about to shit his pants. And while you’re at it, take this, I’m finished.”

The intern reaches forward for the drink.

“No, not that. This.” Bliz hands him the dog.

The intern is disheveled by the request. “What do you want me to do with it? Take it for a walk?”

“Anything, I just don’t want to see that rat again. Throw him off a bridge or burn him in a dumpster for all I care. I got all worked up from Sarah McLachlan singing about dog herpes and just adopted it on a whim. I DO NOT have the time for an animal like that, shaking on my lap like Michael J. Fox surfing on Shelby Cobra’s vibrator. Just get it away from me. That dog is infringing on MY RIGHT to do what I WANT with MY BODY.”

“Um… okay?!” The intern is confused by the situation but takes the dog and guides Michael Buffer towards the bathrooms.

Just then, Aidan’s close friend and fellow XWF Legend, T-Money, walks onto the set. He looks confused since Aidan didn’t explain to him why he was there.

“Aidan, why am I here? You didn’t explain that and I probably look confused” he says while quickly coming to the conclusion that he’s on a television set because he’s not a fucking like Peter Gilmour.

“T! Nice to see you, dude!” Aidan gets up and walks over to the Harlem Hellraiser. “This,” Aidan says while gesturing to the set around him, “is the set of my new reality TV project. Now, I’m sure you’ve heard about my idea to impregnate 100 different women this year… What better a way to make that a reality than holding a reality competition, sort of like America Has Talent, where the winners receive the amazing gift of my sperm! It’s probably the most American idea in the history of America.”

T seems skeptical, though.

“About your whole ‘100 Children’, idea, Bliz. That’s crazy, man. They’re going to cost you so much. I only have a few kids and I swear they making me poor as a motherfucker. ‘Daddy, I want new Jordans to improve my vertical’. ‘Daddy, I want an iPad to watch World Star Hip Hop twerking compilations in the bathtub’. ‘Daddy, I need to new FUBU to mack some bitches’. Shit’s a motherfucking hassle.”

“I’ve thought about that. The way I look at it is that my children are an investment. Sure, in the interim, I’m going to be slammed with the costs associated with raising children. I’m not an idiot, kids need money for diapers and whatever they eat... Happy Meals and shit… When they reach their 20s, though, they’re going to start getting jobs and all of that money will come back to me through their high paying careers. I’m sure one of these bastards, and I use that term only literally, will become President. That will make me the Father of a President, that’s OG status. Hell, maybe I should make ‘Father of a Future President’ into a bumper sticker and put it on my Lambo... A few of my sons will become pro wrestlers, which is sweet… And most will be rich because of my superior genetics. They can use that money to fund my frivolous adventures if I run out of money raising them.”

“Bliz…” T thinks of a good way to phrase what he wants to say. “That’s fucking ridiculous! You’re out of your fucking mind!”

That’s the best he can do.

Aidan just smiles and takes it like a compliment.

“So basically I’ve brought you here to be a fellow judge with me where we decide whether or not the females competing are worthy of being planted with my DNA.”

“Is this a paid gig?” T asks.

“Of course. And maybe we’ll see some boobies.”

“Well I guess that means I’m in!” T says, revealing the fact that he’d be willing to do pretty much anything if there’s a chance of viewing some titties.

…

It is some time later and the set is now built to accommodate a stage in front of a table that has a WWTBIBARG (Who Wants To Be Impregnated By A Rich Guy) banner over it. Behind the table sits Aidan and T, looking like American idol judges.

From the side of side of stage, a petite brunette with some big ole knockers walks out. She carries a large black bag with her.

“What is your name, age, and cup size?” Aidan asks while looking down at a clipboard dismissively.

“My name’s Lacey. I’m 24 and I have 36 D’s!”

“Dawg, those are some nice boobies doe, dawg.” T is so entranced by the tits that he’s practically turned into Randy Jackson.

“I’ve seen better,” Aidan says with a Simon Cowell scowl. “Now, what is your talent, Lacey?”

Aidan of course, is referring to the main portion of the show where the contestants prove to Aidan that they’re worth his splooge by demonstrating some sort of skill.

“I guess I should just show you!” Lacey replies enthusiastically.

Lacey reaches down into the bag… and pulls out a giant green dildo! Seriously, this thing is as thick as a coke can and at least 14 inches long.

Bliz and T look on confused, clearly not expecting this to be the first thing they get to see from a contestant.

Lacey takes the giant dildo and lines it up with her mouth.

“No way,” Aidan exclaims, unwilling to believe that the massive thing will fit.

Lacey, seemingly unhinging her jaw like an anaconda, manages to not only get the thing in but manages to start pushing it in inch by inch.

“Holy shit!” T yells out. “I think I’m in love.”

Lacey pushes ninety percent of the massive dildo into her face and extends her arms to showcase that she’s done, sort of like David Copperfield proud of himself after pulling a rabbit out of his asshole. After a few seconds, though, her arms begin to flail and it’s obvious that something has gone awry.

“Bitch is choking!” yells T.

Bliz, being a goddamn hero, runs over and quickly analyzes the situation. Out of all the crazy shit that he’s seen in his life (from midget strippers to dudes being set on fire to Peter Gilmour’s mom being set on fire while buttfucking a midget stripper), he’s never seen something like this.

With Lacey’s face turning a shade of purple, Bliz acts quickly… and uppercuts her straight in the gut. The dildo comes flying out in a stream of vomit, shooting across the room and hitting Michael Buffer in the head, knocking him out cold. Lacey crumbles to the ground and coughs while on all fours in her own throw up but is slowly able to regain composure. She stands up while seeming completely embarrassed.

Bliz pats her on the back, proud of himself for saving her life but also wary of the puke around him.

“Well, um, thanks for the performance. If I decided that I’ll be in need of your ovum, I’ll hit you up with a dick pic on Snapchat.”

Lacey limps away, clearly defeated by her act amiss.

“Clean up on aisle three,” Aidan says referring to the barf. “Where’s that fucking intern! Maybe he can use the rat dog to lick this shit up!”

T, who thought he was about to watch a bitch choke to death, turns to Aidan. “Bliz, this entire thing might not be a good idea.” He is almost out of breath from all the excitement/chaos.

“Listen, T,” Aidan says while being quite preachy. “Would we have gotten a television deal on UPN if this wasn’t a great idea? Now bring out the next contestant!”