((Old St. Patrick's Church was founded on Easter Sunday, April 12, 1846, and is one of a handful of structures remaining in the city that predate the 1871 Great Chicago Fire. Today, "Loverboy" Vinnie Lane has arrived to do some soul searching, as well as to try and understand the machinations of one of his opponent's for next Monday, LH Harrison. It's Friday evening, and as lines of parishioners flow from the massive doors of Old St. Pat's, a yellow cab pulls up to the curb and stops, allowing a fresh-from-the-gym looking Loverboy to spring from the back seat and toss a wad of bills into the front window.))

Loverboy: Keep the change, Muhammed. Assalamu-alaykum, or whatever.

((Loverboy jogs across the road, straight into the camera pov, stopping so close to the camera that only his "Frankie Says Relax" half shirt is visible in the scene.))

Loverboy: Dude, thanks for coming, and I know you had to deal with the riff raff on the CTA's ridiculous L train system, but we aren't allowed to film in the church.

Voice: What? I cancelled a date for this!

Loverboy: With who? The fat chick from production? Or was it Shelby? Gross.

Voice: Shelby outsells you in posters 1000 to 1, Vinnie.

Loverboy: Yeah, well, that's because she doesn't mind showing her lopsided camel toe to 12 year old boys.

Voice: Well, what the fuck, Vinnie? Why am I here?

Loverboy: Dude, it's cool. I needed this opening shot, you know? This place is awesome. Chicago is awesome. St. Patrick was awesome. I've got my flip phone, and I'm gonna smuggle it in and record my own promo from inside. Nobody will know any better, except, you know, maybe the man upstairs.

Voice: God?

Loverboy: What? No, man! Shane . That dude is strict when it comes to image quality.

Voice: And you're going to to film this on... a flip phone? You do know smart phones are some of the highest quality cameras out there right now.

Loverboy: Dude, I have a Nokia 6600. It's all I need. It makes calls, and I can play Snake in between boring ass LH Harrison promos.

((As is to demonstrate, Loverboy flips out his ancient phone and begins playing a game. It does not take him long to lose.))


Loverboy: Shit. This game's hard, man. Ok, so, you stay here, film some setting shots or whatever, and we can edit it all together later right? You're a pro, man, I have faith in you.

((Loverboy turns and sprints back across the street, nearly getting creamed by a guy on a mopedon the far side. As he scales the steps and disappears into the centuries-old cathdral, the omnipresent voice of Loverboy's favorite camera operator speaks up.))

Voice: Mister , I just want you to know the following footage is not representative of my work as a professional cinematographer. I have a solid resume, I come from a top five school, and I love my job. Please do not fire me.

((The scene cuts to black, then fades back in to a grainy, poorly rendered video looking up at "Loverboy" Vinnie Lane's face as he sits with eyes closed, head lleaning forward into his closed hands.))

Loverboy: Are you there, God? It's me... Loverboy. Okay... all you XFW viewers are in for a real treat now. I'm just waiting for the last few stragglers to get out of the church here, so I have to fit in and look like I'm being devotional. I guess it's a good opportunity to really get in touch with me spiritual side, you know? Really dig deep and reflect? Commune with the creator? So, yeah... here I am, Big Man! Answer my prayers! I've got a match on Monday with one of your professed soldiers, LH Harrison... so imbue me with your grace! Yea, though I walk in the valley of the shadow of yadda yadda yadda... you get the drill. Hey, you know what? I've got a great idea...

((The scene gets jumpy as Loverboy stands from the pew he was sitting in and grabs the Nokia from next to him. The muffled sounds of walking and the sea sickness of the shaky camera work lead us to a small wooden booth, which Loverboy's free hand is seen opening. A small latino is sitting inside, and he looks up at Loverboy with surprise and fear in his eyes.))

Latino: Dios mio!

Loverboy: Here bro, have an autograph. I'm in a hurry now and I've only got a few minutes to repent and whatnot... you understand, right?

((Loverboy pulls the man from inside of the booth, stuffing a crumpled piece of paper in his hand as he shoves him to the side and steps into the cramped structure. The door closes and we're left in the dark again, with just Loverboy's breathing sounds.))

Loverboy: Yo... uh... God?

((A panel slides open in the booth, allowing some light to flow in. A priest speaks quietly.))

Priest: Are you still there, my son?

Loverboy: Oh, the Mexican guy had to go. So... you're god then?

Priest: I am a vessel for the Lord to help you complete your sacrament. A stand in, if you will, for you to make amends and continue your covenant with God.

Loverboy: Great! Well, God, what I really need to know is... how in the Hell does LH Harrison think he's going to walk into a wrestling ring with me and walk out without getting crippled?

Priest: Excuse me?

Loverboy: Seriously, man, that dude is going to get crucified.

Priest: My child, you are in a house of god! Speak with respect!

Loverboy: Right, right, sorry... it's been a while since I did this.

Priest: I understand.

Loverboy: Yeah, really, last time was, like, right after High School. There was this chick, Mary Sue Higgins... she went to the Catholic school across town, but you could just tell she was a sinner, you know? So one day she invited me to church with her, and we ended up in one of these confessionals... you could say I definitely nailed her to the cross.

Priest: Jesus!

Loverboy: That's exactly what she said! Well, when her mouth wasn't full...

Priest: You have to get out of here. This is unacceptable!

((The window slaps shut and then a moment later, light fills the small cubicle as the priest throws the door open and grabs Loverboy by his wild, blond hair.))

Priest: Get out of my church! Get out! Sister Kristin, help me!

((Loverboy's phone is swinging wildly around, but catches a glimpse of a nun walking briskly over to him and taking him by the arm.))

Loverboy: Well, hello sister! I didn't know they made angels in the nunneries...

((The nun actually smiles at Loverboy, but still helps toss him out of the cathedral doors, where we see the camera POV roll over and over as he gets flung to the stairs. There are a few blurry moments as Loverboy picks himself up and finally points the camera phone right at his grinning face.))

Loverboy: I think that went well. LH, whatever that stands for, if this is what your team is like then you don't have a prayer against me. Enjoy your last supper, buddy. By the way, man... if you're the best physical specimen for a Christian boy, it's no wonder these hot chicks give up sex forever and marry the lord instead. Christ.

Woman's Voice: Excuse me, sir?

((Loverboy snaps his head to the side, and we see the nun from a moment ago walking up behind him, holding a sheet of paper.))

Nun: I think you dropped this inside, sir. God bless you.

((The nun winks and walks away. Loverboy looks confused as he opens the paper off screen, then his familiar grin spreads across his handsome face. He moves the camera so we see the paper in his hand, as he reads it out loud.))

Loverboy: "Dear sir - I can help you find God. Call me. 312-745-5603. Sister Kristin." God damn! LH, I don't have time to waste on you any more, my man, I'll see you Monday night. I'm going to go to Sunday school first!

((Loverboy slips his phone shut and scene ends with a loud click.))