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Kendall Savannah Sawyer · (03-31-2014)

Alexandra Callaway.

Where have I heard that name before? Oh, curse my wretched memory! I apologize, but I have literally no idea who you are. Likewise, I presume you to have just the same amount of experience with myself, seeing as though I just stumbled, some would say rather foolishly, headfirst into the world of professional wrestling despite a lack of real experience with the profession. However, I don't think I, the rookie, newcomer, or any other term you and those who have been here longer than I have, should have the same amount of familiarity with you as you don't with me. I assume I should be widely familiar with who you are, what you stand for, and most importantly in a business where in order to succeed, you literally have to stomp on the backs of your coworkers if they do so much as trip; your strengths and your weaknesses. Really, I should be the plucky underdog who's been waiting for this opportunity all my life going up against the supposedly insurmountable first stepping stone on my path to success who really has the advantage of knowing your flaws like the back of my hand.

And yet, I know nothing of you. At least, not off the top of my head I don't. All I have to go on is the fact that your name is familiar, to account for the mystery of your identity.

Ah, yes! The woman who published an egregiously self centered article, the type not unlike the ones put out by publications the caliber of TMZ glamorizing the triumphs, or in her case, the failures of celebrity relationships. The obvious dissonance here is the fact that neither Alexandra Callaway nor her former fiance Jason Rider are celebrities. Now, are they known or otherwise famous? I'd assume, not to me as can obviously sensed, but to the regular viewers of the XWF, I'm sure they've heard the name and seen her face.

No, neither are celebrities in the literal definition: someone who's celebrated. Now, one could argue that the actual "celebrities" aren't the types to be as such as they lack any contribution to the world at large worthy of being celebrated to the level of their fame. On that, I'd agree wholeheartedly. However, Callaway and Rider aren't even celebrated from the little I know of them, let alone celebrated by masses upon masses of people.

No no.

So, what do I know about Callaway besides her unshockingly obsessive lust for the spotlight?

Absolutely fucking nothing.

Again, apologies for the language. I've been told I have an obscenity quota to fill.

Moving on, how do I find out about this Callaway figure? Well, she did air a promo in preparation for a match prior. Though not immediately relevant (as a matter of fact, it really isn't relevant at all for this encounter), it should definitely give me an insight into the type of person she is and should still allow me to be able to form an opinion on this identity. It's not like she radically shifts personalities from week to week, right?

Of course not, that would be silly. Or a mental disorder.

Or both.

So, allow me a few moments to view this brief look into my opponent's mindset. I'll return shortly.

...

...

...

Um, what?

I don't mean to be too ostensibly rude, but I'm rather confused as to this, well... everything.

Give me a moment more to attempt to further make sense of this seemingly nonsensical drivel.

Okay. I've made no effort in decoding it. In place of a proper analysis, I'll simply take this one step at a time. One formless, shapeless, stream of consciously spilled thought after another.

She starts with a statement seemingly approved by the Department of Redundancy Department. I presume this lack of conciseness to be a symptom of a drastic need for attention and she realizes the quicker she gets through something, the less obligated people feel to pay her any mind.

Furthermore supporting that claim of her having a need for attention, what she says immediately following the opening tribute to redundant redundancy that is redundant, is, and I quote: "The soft cry of a lost lamb, that strayed to far from the flock. The shepherd, lay dead in the field."

Please tell me I'm not the only one who sees the lack of connection here.

However, she quickly moves further onto lines with little to connection to each other as she shifts focus again, finally looking at what her opponent said to her. Moreso, her opponent's apparent fixation on her, as well as said opponent's urge to sleep with her. Um... okay, then. I'm less concerned with that, than I am with the way she shifts her mood so rapidly. Going on about what I assume to be "darkness" glamorizing, inspired by Twilight, to boastful, "I'm out of your league" talk in a matter of moments. I don't think this swap could be a better example of a Mood Whiplash if I were to embellish anything.

That's, incredibly ridiculous.

Yet, it gets even stranger when she comes back full circle. When she returns to the mysterious, dark, thing, the boastful comments feel incredibly out of place. Then again, I could me misconstruing that. Maybe she felt so superior that she needed to sound braggadocios on account of how dark she is.

That's, also incredibly ridiculous.

She then makes physical threats, which I feel should be typical of professional wrestling promos as again, it is professional wrestling. However, there's something I can't help but find odd about that as well. She says, and I quote again: "When it hits you are not going to be the same disgusting troll that you are now, you are going to be hit so hard that your face won't be able to be recognized, that is how hideous you will turn out to be after this perfect storm."

The first thought that ran through my mind when I heard this was: fitting she brings up pornography before sounding like a dominatrix. However, that uncouth remark barely scratches the surface of this head scratcher of a comment. Allow me to dig deeper. Another observation that can be noted right away is that this another comment approved by none other than the Redundant Department of Redundant Redundancy Department.

And then she repeats the ending part of that statement to close it out.

So, Alexandra Callaway.

A redundant, attention craving, slightly moronic woman with an odd fixation on the modern interpretation of darkness while simultaneously holding onto the archaic traditions of being seen as "dark" and can't decide whether she's an incredibly attractive woman who can use her sexuality as leverage or said dark being that will accomplish with brute force those same supposed results.

That is all.

I'm coming off a victory in my debut. You're coming off a draw.

Victory may very well be contagious, however I'm sure I'll prove you to be immune.

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