02-28-2014, 12:20 AM
Frodo’s Funeral was held at White Chapel Cemetery in Troy, Michigan. It was a terrible day for a funeral; it was cold as balls, and frozen. But alas, it was time to bury Freddie, or rather put an empty coffin in the ground; they still hadn’t found the body of Frederick Ward. Perhaps Nazi still has it for whatever reasons a white supremacist homophobe would keep the body of a tiny sort of gay white boy who was adopted by a black family. Either way, we’re just standing in the cold as the preacher is doing his long winded rambling about ashes to ashes and dust to dust and how we’ll all a part of Katy Perry’s left nipple or something. Charles, Swaggy Carlton Swagmire, Ward had to step out for a minute while the preacher did his thing. Swaggy was supposed to deliver the Eulogy for his brother, but that was the hard part, what do you say about a man who you saw die? How can you tell people you were there in the building the man they’re mourning was murdered in, and you were powerless to help him? You couldn’t even hold his body as you cried for him. The body was gone before you could even hold you baby brother one last time.
These are the thoughts dancing in Swagmire’s head. Not his upcoming match against Ambrose Helios. Swagz wasn’t even concerned with that, the guy was literally some unknown beard in chains talking wise, like he was jesus or something. Who cares about him? He’s not even worth the firing of a single synapse in his brain. Maybe someday Ambrose Helios will be worth whatever the XWF pays him, but today isn’t a day for him to prove he is. He had to face Swagmire, and Swaggy was going to crush him, just so he could get closer to that one person who needed to suffer. That one asshole who would learn true pain. Until then Swag has to practice his craft on more innocent individuals, like Ambrose. Swagger took off his sun glasses, wiped his eyes and walked back inside, and to the podium.
“So, I’m supposed to sum up my baby brother in just a few words. It can’t be done. Most of you here knew him pretty well, some hoped to get to know him better, but didn’t have the time. For those who didn’t, let me fill you in. Freddie was a lot of things, and not any of them could be considered forgettable. He wrestled in the XWF for just a few short weeks, during which he won the UFO title twice, and beat a few people. He lost, too, once to Mr. Supernova, a man with one arm. That happened guys, Freddie lost a fight to a one armed man. He also was a lover and a father, and I’m proudest to say, Brother.
Sure, one thing none of us can claim Fred was is perfect, but he was a good man, most of the time. Do you guys know he tried to get clean without going to rehab? And it worked for a while, too. Until his relationship with Zak Misery ended, then he went down hard. It wasn’t Zak’s fault, it wasn’t anyone’s. Freddie was always going to end up back on pills, it’s what made him happy. He wasn’t hurting anyone to get them, and he didn’t hurt anyone on them, except in the ring. Then he did hurt people. Normally, though he was a nice and cool guy.
He worked diligently for Google for years, until he got arrested for Coke and went to jail. Fred loved all of us, each one. Especially his son Joseph-Gordon, ex-wife Gwen, and his new lover, Zak, he loved them more than anything. Whenever I’d talk to him he would always mention them to me. I’d get calls at all hours of the night and day telling me about how great Zak was, and how Joseph-Gordon was such a great son, even if he did want an iPhone once. I’m going to step down now, and just go back outside. I can’t do this anymore, I miss Fred too much.”
Swagmire walked away from the podium and headed outside, he was just going to stand and wait for people to let out. He didn’t watch as they buried the empty coffin, just waited for his mother to come out. They drove in silence to her house of 11mile, and just spent the rest of the day watching home videos of when Frodo and Swag were kids.
After the coffin was buried, and the headstone was set in place a mysterious figure walks by and drops a single rose on the ground before whispering
“He can’t be gone. I swear I hear him calling me.”
Before walking away.
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