The scene opens up into the bedroom of Theo Pryce at his home in Paradise Valley, a suburb of Phoenix. The room is very well lit as the exterior wall is a bank of windows. The head of Theo’s bed is actually covered by a fish tank that extends over the entirety of the top of the bed and extending downwards onto two small wooden structures that house 3 drawers, presumably for things like underwear, socks, undershirts etc.



As Theo rolls over he places a blue pen down onto the floor while continuing to hold onto a small notepad.

“I would like to start off this next addition of “What Peter Said Wrong” with a little poem that I came up with. It goes a little something like this:

“Peter Peter Chicken Parm Eater Has a fiancé with a wiener. He always begged to give her head. She fucked his ass and they went to bed.”

“What do you think of that poem Peter? Do you like it? I came up with it at about 6:00am. I haven’t even had my first cup of coffee yet. Imagine what I could have done with a little caffeine in me. By the way, I call that epic poem...”Ode to an Idiot: A Peter Gilmour Story.”


Theo rolls out of his bed, wearing only a pair of black Barney’s underwear. He walks over to his wall of windows and hit a small button which then blacks the windows out completely, severely diminishing the natural lighting of the room. If it weren’t for a sky light above the bed the room would be completely dark.


“Peter I feel that I owe you an apology. It seems that in my haste to move on from pulling your last promo to pieces bit by bit that I failed to respond to some of what you said. I don’t want you to think that I am ignoring you, though Lord knows I’d like to. And so again, I apologize for not addressing everything right off the bat. Allow me to do that now.”

“I know I briefly touched on your desire for a potential counter suit to the suit you are currently facing for Sexual Harassment. Make no mistake Peter, you have absolutely 0 chance of winning that case. None. In fact, you have a better chance of beating me on Madness than you do of winning that case. You have literally told dozens of people, potentially hundreds of people to “suck your dick”. You want to talk about a slam dunk? I could get a monkey to act as the prosecuting lawyer and he would still be able to win, that’s how simple that case will be. Now as for you wanting to counter sue for some trumped up charges that you believe have been levied against you. Well Peter, so far, nothing that has been said about you has been proven to be false. That includes you being a pedophile and of course Rose being a man. As I have said before, the burden of proof is on you. Prove to all of us beyond a reasonable doubt that those two things are untrue and people will stop throwing them in your face. If you feel that a litigation is the best course of action for you, go for it.”

“But I must warn you. In your last promo you did say that you were going to assassinate me if I tried to screw with you. Now, I do feel the need to point out to you two things, one, that is what we call a death threat and two, they are considered illegal. Now, I could be a punk and call the police and have you arrested before our big match, but with Monday being a holiday the chance of you getting out in time to make it from L.A to Russia would be slim to none. So you can rest easy little Peter. I will not be going that route. No, see I would much rather beat you so badly that you wouldn’t have the opportunity to assassinate me even if put a gun in your hand, turned off the safety and cocked it back for you, and no Peter, if you did assassinate me people wouldn’t call you a God. They would call you a murderer. But that shouldn’t really be a surprise to you, after all, you did murder Barney Green in front of a few thousand people. I bet the cops would love to get their hands on that footage. So tell me Peter, while you are trying to find a lawyer to defend you in your upcoming “Sexual Harassment” suit, you might want to mention to them the possibility of you being charged with murder in a separate case, just a heads up, from one wrestler to another.”

“Oh and while we are on the subject of assassinations, you do realize that I’m not a real king right? I’m just a guy with more money than I know what to do with and a crown that I could give two craps about. If you were to kill me the paper wouldn’t say “Theo Pryce Assassinated” it would say “Theo Pryce Murdered” because I’m just a guy, a pretty damn awesome guy but a guy nonetheless. I have to tell you Peter, these death threats have me a little concerned. I’m used to guys wanting to kick my ass, the pitfalls of being rich and famous, as well as a professional wrestler. But actual death threats? You see as a result of those threats I have hired Adam Cole and Kevin Steen, two individuals you seem to be somewhat acquainted with, they are going to serve as my personal bodyguards on Tuesday night, should you decide to go from threats to actions. Of course that’s not really your thing is it Peter? You love to run your mouth but when it's time to actually act on the things you've been saying you piss the bed like a geriatric with incontinence issues."

“Now, I’ve grown tired of talking about you Peter, for the moment that is. I think I’ll move onto something, someone, better. And that someone is Rose Smith. Rose, I want to apologize. I know you hear a lot of flack from the various wrestlers within the federation, making claims that you have a penis, that you are in fact a man. And to be honest with you, I have no idea if any of that is accurate or not. I’ve never seen you naked so I personally can’t attest to whether you have a hang down or not. But here is what I can tell you, unequivocally, you are in fact a man, at least so far as it comes to the Gilmour household. And that has less to do with you as it does with the man you have chosen to be with, it was a choice right? Or did he kidnap you and chain you up in the basement? If he did, send me a note and I’ll send in one of my security teams to free you. But going under the assumption that you picked Peter under your own free will than you have succeeded in supplanting Peter as the man of the house. You see, Peter fancies himself a tough guy, a playboy even. He claims to be faithful and yet he asks everyone, literally, everyone to suck his dick. Men, women, dwarves, under aged girls, and he even offers them pizza’s to really seal the deal. He hits on every woman that joins the federation. I’m honestly not making this up. I wish I were. I am many things, not all of which I am proud of but Peter, Peter is an ungrateful piece of trash. I love liars but I hate cheaters and Peter, Peter’s both. Or well, he’s at least the first, he would be the second if anyone actually took him up on any of the times he has solicited them for sex.”

“Look Rose, I’m not here to tell you how to live your life. You seem like a nice person, God knows you deserve to be up for Sainthood for putting up with Pastor Peter…or did he give up that whole preaching shtick 15 minutes after he started? Heaven forbid Peter ever stays on task. Ever. Does he help you out around the house or does he just sit at the table eating Chicken Parm and thumbing through muscle magazine while you slave away cooking and cleaning? Don’t forget Rose, you have the power here. Peter is the crier, the unsophisticated reprobate, you are the man in that relationship. Don’t take his shit. Stand up for yourself. When he calls you a twisted twat, smack him in his pretty boy face and then kick him in that giant package he claims to have. Hell, hit him with the Gilmour Cutter. I’ve seen you do it to John Madison, I know you have it in you. Don’t be Peter’s whipping girl. You are better than that. Please don’t mistake this for me hitting on you. You disgust me. You are absolutely repugnant looking but that does not give Peter the right to treat you the way he does. He may call you his princess to your face, and say you have the body of a Goddess but in the halls of the XWF the things he say about you are so vile they make even the most manly of men cringe. I’m serious Rose. It’s some fucked up shit. Yesterday he threatened to rape a young Asian woman. Rape, Rose. Rape. And you share a bed with this scumbag? Supposedly he was raped by a hobbit recently. Yes Rose, they do exist. Please, do yourself a favor, drop the zero and get with anyone else. Seriously, anyone. Dude, chick, shemale, doesn’t matter. It will be an instant upgrade I promise you that. Oh and Rose, do me a favor, tell Peter that someone called him a reprobate, and then watch him spend the next 15 minutes trying to figure out what the word means. If he gets stuck tell him to try Google. Or a dictionary. Oh and also, you might want to get tested…a hobbit Rose. A hobbit.”


Theo walks over to his closet and pulls out a pair of running pants, socks, sneakers, a t-shirt and a black hoodie and puts them all on. He then goes over to his night table and grabs his I-pod and headphones, placing each of the little white ear buds into his ears.


“Peter I want to stay and chat with you but unfortunately not all of us know the world’s greatest plastic surgeon and some of us need to exercise and eat right in order to maintain our appearance. See you soon Petey.”