Yes, you. I've flirted with the idea of your existence in the past, acknowledging you in passing in the hopes that my own self awareness doesn't cross any existential boundaries. Too late for worrying about that now, considering what's happened.
What happened? Oh, right. I haven't gotten that far, have I? I always have a knack for getting ahead of myself, I'll admit. Either that, or this version of me has that issue. Again, getting ahead of myself. Sorry about that. However, I do know that before I even begin, there are many questions that you have regarding the circumstances of this seemingly chance encounter, and the inconsistencies that exist between the person I am - and the person I'm perceived to be.
Before I go any further into what I wish to tell you, I have to bring to light some observations you should've made before this point in time. You need to understand, these play a small part in aiding you to debunk the truth that lay just beyond your vision; just barely out of reach. Nothing drastic, or else you surely would've caught on, but are simply small affirmations of the quite possibly hard to swallow reality(ies) of the situation at large.
First; I am aware that this technically isn't the first time you've been personally involved in my exploits. However, this is the first time I've been the focus of one of these interactions. Not a symbol to be seen, recognized and interpreted as something far more contrived and faith fueled than the truth. My existence in your world is no longer implied, hidden behind double talk and a failure or unwillingness to reveal myself. Lastly, the biggest departure from anything similar that has occurred is that while in past encounters you were very much in the presence of one Jessica Marie Diaz, this is the first time you have truly seen me in your own, personal existence. No, this time you will not die twice, nor will you turn out to actually be Steve Sayors or other supposed impossibilities.
However, you have to understand that those outcomes are not impossible. They never were. They never will be.
Second; I'm sure you're aware of the drastic, drastic change in my physical appearance that occurred, about four months ago? Sounds about right. How I was able to completely alter my own appearance without the slightest hint of a single surgery mark? Or how I randomly, almost magically shrunk four inches. The work of Miranda Tigris and the pawns under her iron grip? In a way, yes. However, not in the way you'd think. Not in the glaringly obvious; so apparent that I'm sure almost everyone fell for it. I was one such person, admittedly. Maybe, just maybe after there exists no fake explanations to hide behind, some might still cling to the easier to comprehend notion and try their damnedest to make it their reality.
Maybe, they'll accept it though I'm saddened to say that I don't expect that to be the case. Not in the slightest. However, cynicism works for so few. It only pretends to help, to cover up its own self destructive qualities because it knows that to think the worst of others is to become all you despise. Over the course of this tale I am to tell - to put it bluntly - you'll see this point hammered home to the point where it might get unbearable. However, blind optimism proves itself to be an even more abhorrent trait though if you've been really paying attention I'm sure you caught onto that.
Third; the personalities. The imbalances and imperfections with the personalities that I've been known to exhibit from time to time, often to odd and/or hilarious results depending on the point of view of the person you're asking. However, from my own perspective, the personalities were never an issue. Never anything that leaped right out and garnered enough of my attention. Hence the failure to take my medicine that was chalked up to simple forgetfulness that started this entire "downward spiral" that my mental state apparently took while I was off in the background, letting these new faces run roughshod all over the world with my legs.
Our thoughts were never one. Our essence was however.
It was a reality worth sustaining. That was until I became marked by the Tigris Corporation. I knew of her when I first started dating Anna. Hell, I knew her. Personally. She wasn't the insane black sheep of the Nyman-Tigris family then. As a matter of fact, I can safely say that at no point did I ever expect her to become what she became. Then again, knowing what I do now, I don't think there's a person on this planet that I know personally who can both act so strong and in control, yet when all the layers of the facade are stripped away are as meak and pathetic as Miss Tigris. However, that will be explained all in due time.
However, for everything about her that I think I understand; the hundreds of variations of her I've seen in the last few days, I myself am left with one question about this woman who made herself so pronounced in my life in only a few months. Why me?
Yet, I will not angst over what's already happened. Why should I? It isn't like complaining to some being in the sky that may or may not exist will make it go away.
Anyway, back to the personalities and how their demeanors shifted around the same time the Egyptian Snow Pharaoh entered my life, and when the Tigris Corporation decided to make me into their own personal science experiment. Another ploy, to twist my own mind against me. A false promise, that brought me to the point of near self destruction.
If you want to get into the chain reaction, I guess you could say that yeah - there was some self destruction that occurred as a direct consequence of the manipulation, however considering where it led me, I don't see it that way whatsoever.
Before I move any further, I need to stop to bring up two words that unofficially define this experience: Solipsism and Synthesis. Both represent the two sides of the coin: The mental isolation this "overthrow" left me in, and the devolution of the ones left in control of the body Tigris gave us.
A regression of the magnitude I assumed never existed. To the barest of the stereotypes they appeared to represent.
A regression - I really should stop using that phrase. It's hilariously inaccurate. Maybe it's accurate in this sense, however in the context of which I've used it in the past, no.
Not in the slightest. See, the biggest thing that needs to be known for all of this to make sense is this: the conception that I was led to believe for all my life - that I suffered from DID and that these other attitudes, personalities, were all independent - individuals trapped in my body - was a lie.
They are me. No, that's wrong.
I am them. I'm Jessie just as much as I am Kea, Jessica, The one who never named herself, and the weird hybrid of Kea and Tigris which followed that fortunately unfortunate incident within my own "mind."
In a way, I am part of Tigris too.
To simplify things; you can call me Jessica Marie Diaz if you want. I don't go by that anymore however. That however, is my official name. It is who I am to the state, all because of a piece of paper that I don't have the willingness to change. There's a lot of things that fall into that category, to be honest. I have the power, resting dormant within my body to make changes to things. Moreso than most, if I may be honest without jumping too far off the deep end of egotism. However, if I went around "fixing" things for the sake of wanting it easier, I would be stripping reality of its needed evils.
I'd give us all new evils and that is something I am not comfortable condemning people to.
I don't know what I prefer to be called yet. I'm sure there will be a point in which I think of it, but for now the right combination of syllables hasn't hit me yet.
I realize I went against what I had said; that likely did nothing to simplify things, and more than likely confused you further. Don't worry. Everything will be revealed in time.
However, enough rambling. Allow me to get to the truth. Fair warning however; it's a long story, and I only like telling it in five minute intervals.
It all began with one simple revelation: the game was rigged from the start.
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