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~~Frodo mother fucking Smackins~~ · (02-08-2014)

It was Date night for Frodo and Zak. Frodo was planning on taking the Vampire out to a movie and maybe get a bite to eat, but first things first. He needed to get something that Zak could actually eat, so he went to the internet. Which was not very helpful at first, there was a lot of Twilight fan sites, and even a few Buffy ones. He decided it was best to say fuck it and just rob a blood bank. It shouldn’t be too hard, he’d seen the Oceans movies. So, Frodo decided to do the logical thing and download plans of the local blood bank.

With his plans downloaded, and saved to his phone our intrepid hero headed out to acquire a few things he’d need for his nightly endeavors. Since Frodo hadn’t been in California for a many years, he needed a map to find the stores where he could find his planned heist. The plan required one of those tiny little pipe welders, a CO2 powered BB gun that looked real, a .380 hand gun, a burlap sack, a mask, preferably one scary looking, and finally he’d need a new jacket. This one was shiny and sparkly, he needed a dark one.

He arrived at his destination, a cheap Wal-Mart knock off. He walked through the store finding all of the random items he thought he’d need, plus some. He grabbed a thing of plain potato chips, ate them in the aisles and left the container amongst the fish, then he came across a bag of potatoes. He picked it up, and purchased it. After he left the store he called up Jesse, he still needed one thing, and had no idea where to get it.

”Hey bro, I need help. I can’t really explain, but I need some James Bond shit right now. Can you hook a Dwarf up?”

”What are we talking about? Like a hot secretary? A girl for you to love until she dies. Or some sort of British government sponsored killing spree? You need to be more clear.”

”I need a .380. I am going on a top secret mission, and I need a .380. Do you know where I can get one or not?”

”Yeah, but why would you call that James Bond shit? That shit was beyond confusing. Can’t you work on your clarity for me? And why am I helping you get a .380? Why don’t you just go and hit whoever you plan on shooting with a keyboard instead? Freddy, this isn’t making sense. You are not Agent 47, and this not a game. Timothy Olyphant will never play you in a movie. Ever. I personally guarantee it. If you die and they want to make a movie based on your life I will have Tom Cruise play you, just to spite you. Maybe Freddie Prinze Jr. Fuck you, no Timothy Olyphant.”

”Timothy Olyphant? Why would I want him? He’s on Justified. If I got anyone from Justified it’d be that dude who plays Ava Crowder. If he can play an almost passable southern girl then he can play me. Or Walton Goggins. He was in Predator and battled an Alien already. I battled an Alien. It’ll be perfect. Whoever you choose please don’t let it be Jonah Hill, Channing Tatum, or Timothy Olyphant.”

”Fuck you, Ava Crowder is a woman in real life. And for that I will make Jonah Hill play you. You will be Jonah Hill. Anyway, go down to Castro Street, and look for Kapp’s. I know a girl who hangs out behind there, tell her The Prize Fighter sent you, and she’ll hook you up. She’s pretty cute, too. You know, in case you need a little release, Diminuto.”

”Really? That was a girl. Damn, I feel a little bad now. And please don’t do Jonah Hill. I’m begging you, not Jonah Hill. I’d rather Timothy Olyphant than Jonah Hill. I’ll head over there now. And I’m not going to fuck her, I’m in a relationship, sort of. That’s part of the reason I need the gun. I’ll call you later, Jess. Bye.”

Before Inferno could respond Frodo hung up and began his trek towards Castro Street. Along the way Frodo encountered a celebrity who happened to be a fan of his so he paid the celebrity to eat one of the potatoes he bought before setting the rest on fire as a memorial to Shame

. This celebrity happily obliged, returned his money and offered him oral sex as payment for entertaining them so much. As much as Frodo wanted to, he had to deny it for Zak.

[Image: js-orange-snooki-eating-potato.JPG]

[Image: js-orange-snooki-eating-potato.JPG]

[Image: stock-footage-cooking-potatoes-on-fire-i...lcohol.jpg]

Frodo then headed off towards his goal leaving Snooki alone to continue whatever random skankiness she was planning on doing that night. After driving for a few minutes Frodo approached his destination and walked around the back nervously. There he was greeted by another familiar face.

”Weren’t you Priscilla in the Judy Moody film? Are you who I’m supposed to meet? The Prize Fighter sent me, if that helps.”

”Bitch, you Frodo fucking Smackins! Why didn’t Jesse tell me he was sending the goddamn king of the hobbits my way? I’d have prepared a second dinner or something. Damn, nigga. Did you enjoy having your finger bit off by Gollum, then getting your ass stomped by Nova? Nigga, you suck. No wonder you need a gun. Gone off yo tiny

ass. Don’t talk about Judy Moody. Ever again. I will shoot you in the face if you do. I ain’t playing around nigga. Now that spic Jesse said you needed a .380. It’s a

gun, but here you go. Pussy. Run along. I don’t wanna see you around here again. Fucker.”

As Frodo walked away he quickly texted Zak.

”Hey, babe. This bitch just threatened to shoot me. Got a pic of her. Check it out.”

[Image: haley_king_twitter_july__YmqT19w1.sized.jpg]

[Image: haley_king_twitter_july__YmqT19w1.sized.jpg]

Frodo then drove off to the blood bank. He arrived and surveyed his enemy, and realized his plan was utterly

.

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