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Dr. Zero · (01-17-2014)

BACK TO THE FUTURE

"Hey! What's the big idea!?" shouted Stevie Tyler as Bobby "The Brain" Heenan climbed out of his goddamn TV like in an even weirder version of The Ring.

"Heh, you're the kid?" says The Brain. "Idda' thought they'd have sent me to some kid with a little more muscle. A little more sparkle! How much do you weigh? About a buck twenty?"

"Why are you…How are you…?" Stevie stammers to find the right words.

"Ohhh! And no listening skills either! Well this is great. This is JUUUUUUST great! And I thought Gorilla was hard to talk to!" Bobby Heenan seems furious.

"You're one of the ghosts! How can you be one of the ghosts!? You're still alive!"

"Young kid like you, Idda' figured the IQ would be higher than your age. I'm not the ghost of Bobby Heenan…I'm the Ghost of Wrestling Past! I bet you were a Hogan-lover when you were just a slimy embarrassment to your mother."

"I'm still an embarrassment to my mother," replies Stevie.

"Slightly LESS slimy embarrassment to your mother, then!" replies Heenan. "Look punk, we gotta' get you ready for your big match tonight. You're in no shape. What if that demon of yours doesn't show, huh? You wanna' just stand there getting slapped around by a girl and some half-brained zombie-spaceman? Come with me."

Bobby Heenan snaps his fingers and they find themselves in what appears to be a gym locker-room. Stevie is looking into the mirror and his reflection reveals himself (no shit, right?) with a HUGE Burt Reynoldsesque mustache, no shirt, a green jacket with yellow sequins, green and yellow wrestling brief-style tights, and yellow boots with green "ST"s on each of them.

Bobby Heenan has an enormous grin on his face. "Ha! Now THAT is the look of a champion. Turn around, kid."

Bobby grabs his shoulders and spins him around. On the back of his jacket, in neon, cursive lettering…

[Image: newcreate.php?text=THE%20MIDNIGHT%20RIDE...lor=F7FF00]

[Image: newcreate.php?text=THE%20MIDNIGHT%20RIDE...lor=F7FF00]

"What the hell?" says Stevie.

"It's the 80's! You're "The Midnight Rider" Stevie Tyler! Now we're gonna' go out to the cameras in a minute and cut a good old-fashioned promo against both your opponents. You got me?"

Stevie adjusts his jacket. "I guess. Whatever."

"Kids these days," says Heenan. He leads Stevie to an area with a blue screen set up in front of a camera, and Mean Gene Okerlund is waiting for them with a mic in hand.

"Alright wrestling fans…It's time to hear from one of the wrestling world's hottest stars, "The Midnight Rider" Stevie Tyler and…Bobby "The Brain" Heenan."

"Stevie Tyler, what plans do you have for tonight against Olive Pendershoe and Mr. Nova?"

"I was just sorta' not even wanting to…," Stevie utters and is immediately cut-off by Heenan.

"What do you mean 'What plans does he have?' Mean Gene? Like he'd share them with you! This man is a god amongst men! Look at him! He's got the looks, he's got the talent, he's got the skill, he's got the money, he's got the girls! Stevie Tyler isn't like all these low-life criminals you got runnin' around Rome these days, no sir! Lemme' ask you something, Rome…Why's the Tower of Pisa leaning? I'll tell ya' why! Because none of you pukes in Italy have the motivation to make it right! And that's why my client, Stevie Tyler here, is gonna' be looking to make short work of these two nobodies so he can get right back on the plane and be back here in the good ol' United States of America! Italy's just the type of place for two pests like Olive Pendershoe and Supernova. Italy's filled with the most disgusting people on the face of this planet but even still, if Olive Pendershoe was to find one to marry, they'd still call her a social climber, Mean Gene! And 'Supernova', heh, more like 'Supernovocaine'! The guy puts me to sleep! Right here, is the epitome of manliness! 'The Midnight Rider' Stevie Tyler is gonna' ride in there and show these Italians what a REAL Greek God looks like!"

"You know Rome had Roman gods, right?" asks Okerlund.

"Yeah? THEY STOLE THOSE TOO! Criminals!"

"Alright. Thank you Stevie and Bobby…Jesse, back to you!"

Heenan takes Bobby off to the side. "Listen, you gotta' get some fire in you. You hear me? You're never gonna' be anything in life, not in wrestling, not at the supermarket, not on the streets, or in front of your family until you give them something to respect. Stop laying down for people. Stop begging for mercy, kid. You're better than that," Heenan says, glaring right into Stevie's eyes.

"But…but…," Stevie stammers and then, shockingly, finds himself standing face to face with John Cena. Cena picks his nose and eats it.

"What the hell?" asks Stevie.

"OH! You can see me?" says Cena. "My bad. Alright, so…I was sent here because they're calling me the Ghost of Wrestling Present. I know all about you, and let me try to get this through your head…You have to RISE ABOVE, Stevie."

Stevie groans.

"I know, I know. Believe me, I read the internet. But it goes beyond hype. You're the face kids want to see. You're the guy that people in the audience relate to. I don't even have that, man. They look at you, Stevie, and they see a guy that's down on his luck, getting his ass kicked on a nightly basis, that really just wants to be at home…and they see themselves. You're not just in that ring fighting for yourself, Stevie…You're fighting for every person in that audience. You're fighting for the common man. They see you in that ring, they see themselves working 60 plus hours a week and desperate to be something better. You have to show them they can be. That's what it means to RISE ABOVE, Stevie. Right now, all the opposition you face sees you as just some little punk kid, but it you RISE ABOVE high enough…They can't see you at all. Word life. This is basic thuganomics."

Cena lifts Stevie up in the air and delivers a massive Attitude Adjustment, but instead of hitting the ground, Stevie begins to fall farther and farther and farther…until he lands, softly, in a Wal-Mart bathroom. He sees himself, older, scrubbing a toilet. A kid walks in, probably about 15 years old, and he goes straight to the urinal. He drops his pants just below his ass and shits right into the thing.

"Dude!" shouts Stevie.

"He can't hear you," says a voice behind him. He turns to find the Grim Reaper.

"How are you the Ghost of Wrestling's Future?" asks Stevie.

"I'm the Ghost of YOUR Future, Mr. Tyler," says the Ghost of Stevie's Future. "And what I'm showing you, is where dreams go to die."

Stevie watches as the kid runs out of the bathroom, the nasty fucker, and older Stevie discovers the gift in the urinal. He breaks down. He sits in the dirty, bathroom floor and begins to sob. In walk two college bros.

"

," one of them says as the other laughs. They do their duty and one washes his hands, tossing a used paper towel on Stevie's head.

"Mr. Tyler, you've said numerous times that you would rather be here than in the XWF. That you'd wished you'd never met Baal'Nezz Golgari or Drotte the Liar, not to mention any of the other demons, spirits, or wrestlers that you have met…But, without them…this is what your life would turn into. Come."

The ghost takes Stevie to his mother's home. She's in a black dress, holding a picture of his father and crying. Her makeup is running down her face. There's a knock at the door, and older Stevie walks in, still in his Wal-Mart uniform.

"Mom…I…," he squeaks out.

"GO AWAY!" yells his mother. "YOU'RE THE REASON HE'S DEAD! If you hadn't been such an embarrassment, he would've never killed himself! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, STEVIE! If only you had been a famous, successful, professional wrestler instead of a lowly Wal-Mart urinal scrubber! WOE IS ME! LEAVE!"

Older Stevie hangs his head and walks back through the door.

"Ok, for fuck's sake! I'll get in the match!" Stevie shouts at the ghost.

"And…?" asks the ghost.

"And? And I'll try to be a badass or whatever. To make people respect me."

"Easy, tough guy," says the ghost. "And you'll stop bitching about it."

"Whatever," says Stevie. "I guess."

With that, Stevie finds himself right back in his bedroom, again staring at his Green Lantern poster.

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