Dear Janet:

So I’ll pick up with my story which tells you of my journey to finding the perfect woman—err-- Flo for my little project.

I’ll have you know that we scouted day and night for the perfect Flo; the best subject for our project. It was me and NAZI on the prowl in his 2013 Chevy Camaro SS Coupe. It has that black, glossy exterior with the mark of the Nazi smacked down on the center of the hood. It’s a nice ride, but it wasn’t my first choice. I tried to convince Nathaniel to bring out the old school SS motorcycle with the sidecar and mounted machine gun, but he kept denying that he owned one. Fucking liar, how can you be a Nazi and not own such a bad ass machine? As a result of being stuck in his car, I had to roll down his shitty electronic window and hold my gat out to the side. He kept trying to tell me to holster that shit but I would respond by popping a round into another motorist passing by. At one point, we came up on some shithead driving a European piece of shit. I put a bullet through that guy’s window that nearly caught his wife in here eye socket. After that happened, the asshole in the European car tried to start a scene. I fucking hate European car owners. I also hate people who can’t control their road rage. Sure, I might be in the passenger seat firing my gun at you, but show some fucking self-control when you’re behind the wheel of a moving vehicle. You’re sharing a public street with other motorists for fucks sake! So as expected, the combination of European car owner and inconsiderate road raging lunatic sent me over the edge. I was about to pull the trigger again when that same shithead rammed the side of his beamer into us.

“Oh fuck no!” I yelled as I was jolted out of my seat.

As you can imagine, Nathaniel was livid at this point as well.

“See what you started?” he yelled in my direction. “I don’t have time for this shit.”

“Are you fucking kidding me, Adolf? I sure as fuck did not just sideswipe the living hell out of your now ‘like-new’ condition Chevy! I’ll have you know that I have an immeasurable amount of respect for American-made vehicle owners. I’m just as pissed off as you are!”

Nathaniel then shot me with the only thing worse than a five hundred mile per hour traveling bullet; his cold, Nazi stare. It was that same cold stare of an SS soldier who just sunk his bayonet into the heart of his sworn enemy. I swear to Satan (since he is in my corner anyhow), that shit went straight through me and into the heart of the asshole that was driving next to us. That sideswiping prick didn’t think twice; he flew ahead of us and didn’t look back.

“Hell yeah! You showed that asshole, Nathan. Heil! Heil! Heil!”

At that moment, NAZI took it upon himself to restrict my window privileges by rolling it up an inch from the top and activating the safety switch. I immediately called him a kraut motherfucker because that’s the first thing that pops into my head when NAZI pisses me off.

“I’m not dealing with this shit today, John!” he bitches.

At this point, I’ll admit that I might have acted out of line. Without warning, I forced my hands on the wheel of Nathaniel’s 2013 Chevy while shouting, “That is the place!” and caused the vehicle to make a sharp left into an unsuspecting resident’s fence. The Chevy cut through the wooden fence like a bastard F5 tornado, sending planks flying through the air. Once we were parked conveniently in the front yard of the future Mrs. Flo Madison, we recollected what had just taken place.

NAZI had racked up five hundred dollars’ worth of damages in his first five hundred miles of driving. NAZI will get over it though. Of course, he had no choice but to bludgeon me in the face with his bony elbow. So not only was my shoulder fucked up from that reckless driver, now my face was roughed up by my reckless friend. I’ll never forgive you, NAZI, especially since it kept me from meeting new Flo for the first time that day.

Now, Flo—I mean—Janet, this is when you first met my friend Nathaniel. You see, while I was laying in the passenger seat all fucked up with my mouth covered in blood, Nathaniel was out there apologizing and offering to pay for the damages. When I saw you through my blurred vision (again, courtesy of some deadly Auschwitz Elbows from NAZI), I knew that you were the one. I knew that you would be the one who would accompany me on my journey; a journey to a new John Madison.

Once NAZI apologized for the damage he caused, he came back into the car all pissy.

He rudely asked me, “Why the fuck did you do that?”

“Because she’s the one,” I answered.

I explained to Nathaniel how I felt myself being pulled to that particular dwelling. I decided that this woman, “Janet,” would be our project. The fact that we put a hole in her fence and already made personal contact would make the abduction that much easier. She wouldn’t have to wonder what some Nazi asshole and his drunken friend is doing coming to her house late at night.

“Relax, dude. I’ll buy you a new fucking car if you’re going to be a crybaby about it.”

Of course, the only Chevy you would remember is the one that crashed through your fence and transported you to our laboratory.

I remember that night fondly.

You wore a light pink, polyester night gown and were fresh out of the shower. You had just turned on some late night show and were all cuddled up on the couch by yourself.

NAZI parked the Chevy across the street so that we wouldn’t alarm you. I sat in the car, all pervy looking, checking up on you with my miniature binocs. Don’t get the wrong idea now, Janet. It was strictly business between you and me. You might not know this, but I happen to have an eye for talent. Allow me to explain.

I am the leader of a group of superstars called The Black Circle in a company called XWF. All you need to know about XWF is that it’s a wrestling promotion that I work for. “Why am I a wrestler?” Because I have fun hurting people in various ways, plain and simple. Finding new ways to piss people off or confuse them is a hobby of mine. In fact, my group is so fucked up to the members of this federation that they try to come together in order to break us apart. There’s a guy named Sid who wants to start a group, a guy named Smoke Man who wants to start a rebellion, and a guy named Duke who’s constantly at war with us. We’re hated. We’re hated because we are the most successful team in the XWF. Our group has collected more championships than any other in the history of the company. We currently have the King of the XWF and the Television Champion among our ranks. I also groomed a superstar who goes by the name of Luca Arzegotti and he went onto become the European Champion. I forged an alliance with another group called The Congregation where under my leadership; Eli James IV became the United States Champion.

The point is, Janet, I recruit the very best.

Soon—very soon —you will be one of us. In fact, you will be me.

Does it sound strange? I’m sure it does, just as I’m sure it will sound strange to the XWF superstars when they learn about the new John Madison. But they will accept it. They’ll have no choice but to accept it despite the fact that what we’re doing is fucking ridiculous.

NAZI has his doubts, but I think you’ll perform well, Janet.

I’m so confident in your abilities that I’m prepared to induct you TONIGHT. Are you excited or what?

Kicking the door open, I stepped out onto the dark street and was fixated on the glow coming from your window. Soon the madness would begin...

Love,
John