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Dr. Zero · (12-09-2013)

Dr. Zero returned to his laboratory in Parts Unknown to find Nurse X sobbing quietly in the break room. He approached her, and softly rubbed her shoulder.

"Everything is ok, Nurse X. I have returned, victorious, thanks to my strategic relationship with Egyptian Snow Pharaoh. All is well," he said to her in an effort to soothe her.

She stood up, kicking her chair out from under her, and slapped Dr. Zero across the beak. He was stunned.

"NUH! UHBUHTHUHN UH NUHT UHKUH! HUHPUH-SQUH UH DUHD!" she shouted.

Dr. Zero grabbed her up in his arms and pressed her head to his breast.

"Shh shh shh…It's all ok. Hyper-Squatch isn't dead. He simply ran away to be on the farm in Wisconsin." A likely story, and one that Nurse X had heard before.

She broke away from Dr. Zero and ran toward the door before turning toward him and yelling, "UH HUP UHJISHUN SNUH FUHRUH UH RUUUUUUUUH HUPFUH BUHCUHSH UH UHM UHN SHRUHK!"

After declaring her strike, Nurse X fled from the break room and slammed her private room's door shut, sobbing for hours on her bed.

Dr. Zero left her in peace, deciding instead to investigate the problem of the suspected mole. Someone in his employ had alerted The Order of the Owl to his new identity, the depth of his partnership with Egyptian Snow Pharaoh, and his love of cheese curds. Every ounce of that information had been used to manipulate him. He decided that the best course of action would be to interrogate each of his Minions individually until the truth was revealed.

Number 14 accused Number 833, who accused Number 76 in turn. Each Minion seemed remarkably nervous about the entire situation. Dr. Zero did could understand how their fear could be seen as quite rational, however, considering how many times he's murdered their coworkers without discretion.

Dr. Zero brought his second closest confidant, Alph, into the interrogation room. The worm-like creature clattered across the cold, tiled floor and hopped onto the table where Dr. Zero was seated.

"What's up, boss?" he asked.

"This is becoming tiring," Dr. Zero confessed.

"Yeah. I don't know if it means anything to you, but have you talked to Number 854 yet?"

"I have not. Is he the mole? IS HE!? What do you know, Alph!" Dr. Zero shouted as he stood and slammed his hands on the table, sloshing the liquid about in his containment-body.

"I don't know if he is or not. Doesn't seem like it. He does seem different from the rest, though, so he might know something."

"BRING HIM TO ME AT ONCE!"

Alph hopped down and made his way to Lab X-16 where Number 854 was mopping up after a particularly nasty incident involving a cow birth and a pack of oversized vultures.

"Number 854, Dr. Zero will see you now," Alph told him.

The blood rushed from Number 854's head and he almost fainted. He followed Alph slowly through the labyrinthian halls to the interrogation room. Alph stood outside as Number 854 entered. The room was dark now, with a single light shining on the chair meant for the Minion. Number 854 could see just a bit of light shining off of Dr. Zero's nose and his cold, hollow eyes.

"Sit," Dr. Zero commanded.

Number 854 obeyed.

"Do you know why I brought you here?" Dr. Zero asked him, not moving from the shadows.

"I don't know. I mean, there was already a Coke in the vending machine's conveyor, and I saw that, and I went ahead and put a dollar in so I got two and I'm really sorry for that, man," Number 854 confessed.

"We will get to that," Dr. Zero said, apparently aware of his thievery already. "Who is Boulder?"

"Who is who?" Number 854 sounded confused.

"What is my favorite food?" Dr. Zero asked.

"Man, I have no idea. I don't ask any questions. I just try to do my job, man." Number 854 could sense Dr. Zero's agitation, and it made him…agitated.

"You're not like the others, Number 854." Dr. Zero began circling the room. He stopped behind the Minion, resting his hands on his shoulders. Number 854 was tense. "While not particularly articulate, you do appear to be a bit more intelligent than the others."

"Thanks, but…,"

Dr. Zero's grip tightened very uncomfortably.

"Which means there is a higher chance that you would be disloyal," he said with a grim tone in his voice.

"Listen, I-I'm loyal as long as you keep paying me. This place isn't so bad. I mean, it beats working at the mall, for sure!"

The door to the interrogation room opened. Alph stood and was carrying a notebook in one of his metallic claws. He handed it to Dr. Zero.

"You may be excused, Alph. Thank you." Alph retreated, closing the door behind him. "LIGHTS!"

*THOOM*

Number 854 was disoriented at the sudden brightness in the white room.

Dr. Zero flipped through the notebook, scanning the pages, still circling the room.

"Hey, that's my personal…," before Number 854 could finish the sentence, he was interrupted by Dr. Zero slamming the book on the table in front of him. The Minion jumped back and nearly flipped over in his chair.

"EXPLAIN YOURSELF!" shouted Dr. Zero.

"That's just my diary! I-I swear, man! I don't even know why you'd need that!"

Dr. Zero begins to pick out very tiny pieces of paper stuck to the spiral binding. He eyes each piece carefully.

"It seems to me that you have been removing certain pages. Who did you send them to?"

"They were just sketches and stupid junk, I swear!"

"HA!" he slams his fist on the table. "You have been mailing letters to my enemies, haven't you!? ADMIT IT! You have details of all of my speeches in here! You have details of different experiments! WHY!?"

"Dude, I can't talk to any of my family from in here and I can't understand anything the other guys are saying! It's all I've got!"

"TREASON IS ALL YOU HAVE!?"

"I swear to god, man! I have no idea what you're talking about!"

Dr. Zero stops pacing and straightens up. He calmly slides the notebook into his jacket. "It appears I have made…a mistake then, doesn't it. Very well. As an apology, I will allow you to be my very special guest of honor at tonight's pep rally."

Number 854 perks up a bit, but is still extremely hesitant. "Whatever you say, man. I'm really sorry if I wasn't supposed to write anything down. The handbook didn't mention anything about that."

"You're right. I was wrong. Come. COMPUTER! Announce to all that the mandatory pep rally will be held in 5 minutes!" The computer whizzed and whirred.

A band played off-key to signal Dr. Zero's arrival to the stage. He seemed heavily distracted as he took the podium.

"Minions and other Minions, thank you for coming here today," he began. He was interrupted by his employees.

"HEIL ZERO! HEIL ZERO! HEIL ZERO!"

He waved and graciously nodded his head.

"Before I go further, Computer, please record this meeting. Prepare to send it to the XWF offices."

He adjusted his tie and cleared his throat.

"As I was saying, thank you all again for coming to this rally this afternoon. You all work very hard, and I appreciate everything that you do. You each play a vital role in making this entire operation work. I realize I may have upset a few of you today with the private meetings, and I feel I must come clean about a few things. Someone among you…is a mole. You see, even though I have Diplomatic Immunity, I do run Parts Unknown, after all, there are those outside of here that would see to do me harm. There are those that would seek to do me and my allies harm. Now, as long as we all work as a team, that will never happen. Truthfully, as long as I will it, it will never happen. The absolute truth is, I have been inconvenienced by one of you. I am in no danger. There is no threat. But I WILL NOT BE MADE A FOOL OF! My messages to my chief ally, Egyptian Snow Pharaoh, have been intercepted. I have been set up! Other forces are aware of my likes and dislikes and they are using that knowledge against me. I WILL NOT HAVE IT!

I have yet to get a confession out of any of you, but I have found one Minion who certainly needs to be recognized in the middle of all of this disorder. Number 854, will you please step up to the stage?"

The Minion walks up next to Dr. Zero, who puts his arm around the nervous man.

"Introduce yourself, won't you?"

"Hi…Umm…My name is Ted," said Number 854 to a chorus of boos. Dr. Zero quiets them.

"Ted, would you please explain to the Minions here what this is?" Dr. Zero removes the diary from his jacket. Ted pulls away, only to be snatched back.

"That's my diary I keep to sort of just, you know, write down what I'm thinking about."

The crowd boos again.

"And what were you thinking about?"

"I mean, I don't know exactly, but…," Ted trails off into a slight mumble.

"According to page 76, you were thinking about me. And page 93, you were thinking about me, and page 108, you were thinking about me."

"Well, you're the only guy around here I can actually understand. You and Alph, but I never see him."

"Allow me to cut to the chase. Number 854, 'Ted', I do not believe you." Ted stiffens up.

"I promise you! Please, PLEASE!"

Dr. Zero notices another Minion in the crowd, Number 955, place his finger to his ear. His jaw is moving. Who is he talking to? He doesn't physically acknowledge this. The mole has been found.

"THE MOLE HAS BEEN FOUND!"

The crowd roars it's approval and applauds.

"BRING ME THE NECKLACE!"

Two Minions quickly jump onto the stage. One with a tire stuffed with rags. The other with lighter fluid and a box of matches.

"PLEASE NO!" cries Ted.

One of the Minions soaks the rags with the lighter fluid and places the tire around Ted's head. Dr. Zero stomps the back of his knee, causing him to collapse to floor. Ted is begging and crying and it's all rather pathetic. The other Minion grabs a match, and begins to strike it. Dr. Zero stops him, and does it himself (#heel). He then lights the rag to the cheers from the crowd. Ted howls as the flames peel the skin from his face. He begins to suffocate and falls over, dying a very miserable death.

Dr. Zero steps back to the podium, glaring at Number 955.

"I have a confession to make. Number 854 was not our mole."

The Minions look at one another with confusion.

"I have, however found the true mole, and in due time, he will receive his comeuppance as well. Number 854 made a grave sacrifice today, and we should all thank him for that. Well, go on. Thank him."

"THUH OO!" shouts the crowd.

"How touching. Now, if you would indulge me, I would like to send a message to our impostor. You, you know who you are. A charade such as yours will only carry you so far. You walk around my laboratory, my home, and attempt to make a mockery of me by pretending to be something you're not? You attempt to deceive the Father of Lies, himself?"

A fly buzzes out of Dr. Zero's nose and flies back into his mouth as his true nature is again revealed.

"I invented deceit. I invented lies. You are no different than the two individuals I will face and destroy on Wednesday. You are a slave to the whims and wishes of others not unlike the lowly Mystica. You hide, as he has, and you, as he, think that there is something that can be done to stop me. You both underestimate me. Why? Do you not know the power that I possess? This body is merely a vessel. I am a creature with the deepest knowledge and understanding of the scientific arts. I have seen the birth of the galaxy itself. I watched as it was stitched together, and I paid very close attention so that, one day, I may take it apart and reassemble it as I see fit. And you, like Mystica, underestimate me? You are a coward and so is he. You both hide behind other, bigger, more powerful men. Men that purport to be something much grander than they are, but I have seen, I know the true beings they claim to be on a very intimate level. I know those beings, and they fear me. You fear me. Mystica fears me more than he fears himself, more than he fears the 'evil' that lives within him, and more than he fears that smelly fellow that will accompany him to the ring. The misguided, self-deluded zealot, Eli James IV.

Eli, I know you. I saw when the boy…The childish boy whose body I currently inhabit stepped into the ring with you and we all know what happened. That boy bested you. Even if it was the demon, Baal'Nezz Golgari, through him…You fell. You used your plaything, Mystica and the raving lunatic, Elisha, to save yourself. If you attempt to get in my way Wednesday, there will be no salvation for you. One of us, myself or The Pharaoh, will destroy you. We may do it regardless.

Sebastian Duke fears me. Sebastian Duke is one of those that claims to be something he is not as well. Mr. Duke calls himself the 'King of Darkness'. That is very interesting. The King of Darkness is a close, personal friend of mine. We drink martinis once a month over a game of chess. I can tell you, the King of Darkness does not dress quite so gaudy and espouse an attitude not unlike a 13 year old human child. Sebastian Duke may be revered here, and that is all well and good, but he was also obliterated by Egyptian Snow Pharaoh. We are now the same, and history will repeat itself. The fact is that Sebastian Duke is merely an overgrown, petulant boy. And just like with an angst-ridden child, and just like the mole in our midst, Sebastian Duke will bleed out on my altar.

I am recording this speech and having it sent to XWF's offices for a reason. I would like to get a message across to you, Mr. Duke. I know that you have both of those tag-team titles in your possession at the moment. Save us all the trouble, and make sure they are with you when you step into the arena on Wednesday. I have a very strong feeling you will not be required to hold them for much longer.

You see…Mystica, Duke, Eli…The three of you, and surely whoever Duke convinces to drag to the ring only to forget and abandon at a later date, are all inconsequential. Truthfully, as inconsequential as our resident mole and the cowards he works for are. Mystica claimed that if I were truly powerful, that I would make the XWF my slaughterhouse. That vision is show incredibly shallow. There are much grander things on the horizon for myself. The XWF is my stepping stone to the galaxy."

ELSEWHERE

"I ain't about to stand here in front of you and try to make excuses for how that all went down," Lenny Johnson said to Christopher Thalmond, the possible head of The Order of the Owl.

"I would not expect you to, Lenny. You've always been a man of integrity and honor. That is why I'm offering to you something that I did not offer your predecessors." Thalmond had been gripping a dagger, still sheathed in a candlelit room deep beneath his New York City office. He slowly pulled the ritual dagger from it's sheathe as Lenny Johnson, the proud Texan who had manipulated the Super Squad R5 to their deaths at the hands of Egyptian Snow Pharaoh and Dr. Zero, knelt before him.

Lenny held out both hands as Thalmond gave him the dagger.

Seppuku was a form of ritualistic suicide by way of disembowelment usually performed by dishonored samurai. Lenny bowed his head and prayed. "God, forgive me for what I'm about to do."

Lenny Johnson gripped the dagger's handle firmly with both hands and placed the point of the blade on his stomach. Thalmond placed both hands on the hilt of a sword at his side, preparing to behead the man after the deed was done. Lenny saw this out of his peripheral vision and, in a very quick moment, he lunged forward and dug the dagger deep into Thalmond's stomach. He twisted the blade and was surprised to find that Thalmond did not even flinch. There was not even a sign of blood.

Christopher Thalmond reached down and grabbed Lenny Johnson by his sliver mane, lifting him off the ground.

"You disappoint me, Lenny," he said, coldly.

With that, he tore Lenny's head off of his body with a flick of his wrist. Thalmond held Lenny's head above his own, and seemed euphoric as the blood rained down upon him. He stripped all of his clothes and sat with his legs crossed on the ground.

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