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AlexandraCallaway · (07-30-2013)

2 Weeks Ago:

My bare feet kick across the dirt, leaving behind me a trail of dust and foot prints as I make a mad dash towards the sixteen foot metal fence. El Federales are on my tail, commanding me to stop. I look back and make contact with them for the first time since this chase began two hours ago.

"You'll never catch me, amigos!"

I leap through the air and latch on to the fence like a spider. El Federales begin to pick up speed as they see me coming within an arm's reach of liberty, freedom, and apple pie.

I kick my foot over the top of the fence and it's at that moment when El Federales slam into the fence. One of the men grab me by my scraped up ankle. I thrust my foot down into his nose, breaking free of his grip. Out of desperation, I then toss myself off the top of the fence and onto the other side. Needless to say, the fourteen foot fall is not a pleasant one.

I hit the ground back-first with a violent thud that incapacitates me momentarily. I lay there on the ground, gasping, as El Federales yell at me from the other side.

I pull myself together and get back on the move. My getaway begins with a crawl but transitions into a sprint as I pat my feet over the sweet land of liberty.

I make my journey across the barren land in front of me as I seek out civilization. I pull out some chips and salsa from my backpack and chow down as I make my journey.

Hola, mi llamo es Juan Madison. I am from Tijuana, Mexico and I am twenty years old. It has always been my dream, amigo, to wrestle in the United States. I escaped to this wonderful country two weeks ago and I must say I am very impressed. The guacamole and burritos are stellar in this country, amigos.

So the other day I was looking for employment-- just like any other man in my shoes-- and came across an ad in the paper that screamed opportunity. After all, that is what this country is all about, si?

Oportunidad, amigos.

I am an opportunist so when I see an opportunity, I'm ready to jump the fence. The opportunity I am speaking of comes in the form of an invitation to a Rumble in Brooklyn. And just like any other ideal job for a man such as myself; all I have to do is show up ready to work.

Now, you might say something along the lines of, "but amigo, you aren't an XWF superstar!"

Ah, but you're wrong there, amigo.

You see, I signed a contract just one week ago to become an XWF wrestler.

I walked into Shane

's office, told him my story, and he was so touched by it that he signed the deal right away. I might make less money than everyone else, but Shane

assured me that my hourly wage would increase over time. He told me that I needed to prove myself first. I don't know if it's legal for him to pay me $4 an hour for a job where I only work three hours a week, but I'm not saying anything if he don't. I'm willing to make that sacrifice to achieve my destiny.

This is it, amigos. This is my one and only chance to prove myself to the world. But I'm not just doing this for me, I'm doing this for my family. Right now, I have a wife, Consuela, four kids, and a baby on the way. If I can do this for my baby girls, then I will have fulfilled my destiny. Shane told me that he would put me on the right path to citizenship, and I would be able to get my family across the border as well. He actually has an operation in the works to get my family across right at this very moment. All I would have to do is have my wife clean some amigo's house. I think his name was John Madison, but I can't be sure. I'm sure Consuela won't mind pitching in with the housework. After all, John Madison is a king, so this will make for a wonderful opportunity for her.

Now, about this battle royal, or "Rumble in Brooklyn."

Well, amigos, it looks like it will be a very competitive match as I take a moment to scan the competition. We've got Shocker, Jonny The Rebel, Andrew Morrison, John Black, and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

First off, we've got Shocker. This chico said right out the gate that he's coming for John Madison's crown. Well, amigo, I hate to break it to you, but that isn't gonna happen for a number of reasons. I'll tell you why. First off, I can't seem to find any noteworthy wins in your record. I find it odd that you're under the impression that you're gonna jump straight to the king when you haven't even proven yourself yet. And secondly, I haven't seen you in the ring for quite some time. So this tells me two things right off the bat.

A) You can't even beat the nobodies that come and go in this place.

B) You're overconfident.

and

C) You have a significant amount of ring rust.

I can tell your rusty just from looking at your promos, chico. Before you disappeared you were hitting us with some real shit. Now you're just coughing up one or two sentences and turning off the camera. You didn't even bother to edit your video. Add some transitions or music to your videos, amigo. If you don't even put effort into your promos, why should we believe that you'll put any into your ring-work? Both areas are equally as important. Even Chris Benoit had to open up and speak to the fans more when he was chasing after the WWF Title. So what does that tell me? It tells me that Shocker isn't ready to step out of his box and win any championships.

And then we got Jonny The Rebel; one of these nobodies that I spoke of just a few seconds ago. Man, I watched his promo a couple hours ago, and I've got some advice for this little chico. Rebel, when you see an opportunity like Rumble in Brooklyn, you need to seize that shit. Why are you allowing yourself to fall for little distractions like Luca Arzegotti. You're smart enough to realize that Luca is out of the Rumble picture, amigo, so why don't you realize that this is your chance to become something muy grande?

Look at it this way, Luca Arzegotti eliminated you unfairly when he had a handful of your tights. That victory sounds very tainted if you ask me. Luca then moves on to the finals to face I-Evertrust, but loses horribly. If you ask me, the referee made the wrong call by not disqualifying Luca Arzegotti for holding you by your tights. I believe that you might have had a better change taking on I-Evertrust if given the opportunity. Paul Heyman made the wrong call by allowing that decision to go down even though he's been very proactive in the past about reversing decisions based on Luca's wrongful doings. How come he reversed Luca cheating two weeks ago, but didn't lift a finger last week when Jonny The Rebel was the victim? How come he came out and reversed the decision of Luca moving onto facing the King of the XWF, but didn't make any effort in reversing Luca's cheating to win into a DQ victory for Johnny Rebel? Why is he helping Nightmare but not Johnny Rebel-- I mean Jonny The Rebel?

So what does that tell you about Paul Heyman, amigo? I hate to break it to you, but Paul E is playing favorites, and if you agree to another Luca match, you're just gonna get screwed and overlooked by management again.

Look at this way, homie. You went into Paul Heyman's fuckin' office and demanded a WORLD TITLE shot. Chico, I hate to break it to you but we don't even have a World Title. I know that and I've only been here long enough to cut one promo. Paul Heyman should have corrected you on the spot, but instead he sent you out of his office looking like a fool. You wanna know why? Because Paul Heyman doesn't even care if he makes himself look foolish, so why would he care if you look stupid? Paul Heyman is an idiot. Let's examine Paul Heyman logic for a second:

1. He books a number one contender's tournament for the European Title where the LOSER earns a shot at the King of the XWF title. That's like WCW holding a tournament for the Television Championship and then giving the loser a shot at the World Heavyweight Title. It makes no sense, amigos. Why should the loser have a shot at the top title while the winner settles for less? Wouldn't you strive to lose in this predicament?

2. After making that decision to hold the tournament, why would you allow someone to compete who isn't eligible for the King Title? A title where you must lose in order to earn a shot. Is that really the direction you're taking this company in Paul? Why not allow the winner of the tournament to face the king? Ah, because you knew Luca would win, and you just can't have that, can you?

Let's just be truthful about this; Paul Heyman is making up shit as he goes. He's like a guy who's inherited millions of dollars and is just spending his wealth irresponsibly. There isn't a sixty day wait period for the King of the XWF shot, I talked to Shane about that the other day. But whatever.

Who am I to deny Paul Heyman the freedom to book however he pleases when I have the freedom to compete in this lovely Rumble in Brooklyn match?

Anyway, I was talking about Jonny Rebellion. You know what, Jonny? Maybe it's best you DO sit this one out. My bad, you go ahead and get your ass screwed by Luca again.

Who else do we got.

Some chico named John Black. Blacky, I see you've got dreams like me, but I'm afraid I am more passionate. It's my first match and I'm in the running for a King of the XWF title shot. I'd be the first ever Mexican man to be crowned king in the United States. It would be up there with Barack Obama becoming the first black president of the United States. I'll be setting a new standard for latinos across the country. Who knows? Maybe my victory will on Madness will result in our next presidente being latino.

Then there's Andrew Morrison; the man who believes that he is the equivalent of a natural disaster. Amigo, amigo-- the only thing disastrous about you is your wrestling career. You've had so many opportunities to prove yourself, but you fail every time. How many opportunities do you need, amigo? I say, instead of letting this Blanco get another opportunity, we just deport his ass since he obviously isn't cut out for the American dream. He seems like the type of guy who wants to blame immigrants for his lack of success. People like him feel screwed because a man crossed an imaginary line and was willing to work harder than him for compensation.

Well, regardless of whether you think that or not, I will NOT let this opportunity go to waste. I refuse to "Andrew Morrison" this opportunity.

So now that we got the tormented slug out of the way, who's left?

Mr. Dwayne Johnson. The action star himself. Some might even say he's the epitome of the American dream. He's got good looks, he's a movie star, a former athlete, got a big house, and plenty of American trucks.

Well, Dwayne. Admittedly, I was a big fan of yours back in the day. I used to have your posters and action figurines. I'd walk up to my amigos in la biblioteca and give them Rock Bottoms through tables. It was all fun back then.

But now... Well, sorry amigo, but you just ain't the same. It seems as though The Rock's performance in the ring and on the mic has declined ever since he began making big movies. I guess he thinks he can get by on the stunts that he pulls off in them GI Joe movies? Am I wrong, or has this guy gone full

ever since he stepped into an XWF ring? He refers to himself as a schong and has a segment called "Boner Time."

This is nuts, man. Can you imagine this taking place back in 1998, when Rock won his first WWE Title? The man had gone through a grueling tournament dubbed "Deadly Games" where he defeated: The Big Bossman, a certified man of the law turned pro-wrestler; Ken Shamrock, a world-renown mixed martial artist; The Undertaker, a motor bike riding zombie; and Mick Foley, a hardcore legend. Now, after going through all of that, just imagine for a second that The Rock walks up to the top rope and declares this the dawning of the "Boner Time Era!" It just doesn't sound right, amigo.

It would be like Steve Austin taking the microphone after winning King of the Ring and saying, "Austin 3:16 says IT'S BONER TIME!!!"

What are you thinking, amigo? Have you lost it completely? Damn chico, losing to John Cena at WrestleMania must have done some permanent brain damage.

Anyway, with the exception of Jonny Rebel, it looks like these are my opponents. Who knows, maybe my words have inspired Jonny and will push him in a different direction.

I'm sure more will come. Maybe I can have an exchange en espanol for once with Ursula Areano.

I don't care who shows up, I am winning that match on Monday, amigos.

Odelay, homes!

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