LAST ANARCHY

”W-w-well, Mister R-R-Rose, I’m s-s-sure it’s on e-e-everybody’s m-m-mind. H-h-how did R-R-Roger and I l-l-lose to Them No G-g-good B-B-B… er, Bobby and T-T-TeeKay. W-w-well, I th-th-think th-”

”Jake, I’ma have to cut you off there. Because the fact YOU lost to Bourbon and TK is NOT on anyone’s mind.”

”...It’s n-n-not?”

”No. You *beating* Bobby and TK originally? THAT was on people’s minds. Because it SHOULDN’T have happened. Get it?”

…Jake scratches his head.

”Look.” Rose snorts impatiently. ”Is it on everyone’s minds when the Sun r in the morning?”

”...It’s on my m-m-mind.” Jake smiles pureheartedly. ”S-s-sometimes I th-th-think about the S-S-Sun’s morning c-c-commute to work! At f-f-first, I thought it m-m-must be pretty d-d-dark since the S-S-Sun’s not u-u-up. Then, I r-r-realized, HE’S the S-S-Sun! It must be l-l-light wherever he g-g-goes!”

…

”’No’ is the correct answer.”

”It’s on NO ONE’s mind when something predictable happens.”


”Bobby, as everyone knew he would, tore you to shreds on the mic!”

”...T-t-tore me to sh-sh-shreds? He s-s-said n-n-NOTHING accurate about m-m-me! He didn’t even m-m-mention my st-st-st…stuuuuut…er, speed impediment!”

Rose rolls his eyes. ”No one cares. It doesn’t matter what Bobby says! It’s HOW he said it! And he said it like someone who MURDERED you.”

”Which… of course he did. You’re YOU.”

”*You* losing to Bourbon and TK is NOT news.”

”It’s business as usual.”

…Jake’s lips purse hurt at ‘The Always Composed’ Pete Rose’s curtness. ”W-w-well… if it ain’t n-n-news, wh-wh-why are you interviewing m-m-me?”

”I’m NOT interviewing you! YOU walked up to ME and started talking about you losing to the Bastards! Leave me be, Borden!”

”...W-w-wait… Th-th-this isn’t an i-i-iinterview? B-b-but it says ‘Recorded Earlier’ on the screen.”

”This is security footage. We’re on the loading dock! The XWF is constantly recording out here!”

Indeed, the camera slightly pans out. Instead of their usual soundstage area, Jake and Rose are just kinda… standing on the loading dock.

”...O-o-oh.”

”Now, leave me alone.”

…

”W-w-wait, why are y-y-you just hanging out at the l-l-loading dock, Mister R-R-Rose?”

”BECAUSE I’M BUYING DRUGS, GO AWAY.”

…

Borden grits his teeth.

The camera slowly pans behind Rose.

Where XWF Security Enforcer Tommy Gunn is standing.

Wearing a classic 80s DARE shirt.

”...Er, Mister Gunn! What I meant w-”

WHAM! Gunn slams Rose’s arm behind him!

That moment, Tommy Wish walks up to the loading dock with a plastic bag.

Sees Gunn assaulting Rose.

…

Turns 180 degrees.

And walks away.

---

”Sh-sh-shucks.” Jake stuffs his gear in his locker. ”M-m-maybe Mister R-R-Rose is right. I feel l-l-lower than a l-l-limbo s-s-stick in L-L-Leso…er, Lesoooo… er, some place good at Limbo.”

”DO YOU FEEL LOW?”

Jake spins around! ”Wh-wh-who said that?”

”LOWER THAN A LIMBO STICK IN SAINT LUCIA?”

”...O-o-oh, that's g-g-good…”

Borden spins around to see who delivered that zinger…

”MY NEW PROGRAM CAN FIX YOUR LIFE IN THREE EASY STEPS!”

And sees in the locker room’s corner…

A television!

Where Larry Tact’s face is prominently displayed!

”L-L-Larry Tact!”

”That’s right! Former XWF Television champion *and* wrestling Hall-of-Famer, Larry Tact!”

”Millions of wrestling fans ask Tact Enterprises HOW to obtain wealth and success!”

”Well, thanks to support for our angel investing pilot program, count yourselves among the first that go from FANTASIZING… to TACTILIZING!”

”So, it’s time to answer the question… Do you want this?”

Jake scratches his head. ”W-w-well, I s-s-s’pose…”

”Say it with your chest! DO? YOU? WANT THIS?”

”Er… Y-Y-Yes!”

”Then start TACTILIZING today!”

”B-b-but how, Mister T-T-Tact?”

”Don’t ask me, kid. I’m a pre-recorded advertisement with the most current updates.”

”...O-o-oh.”

...

"..Wait, wh-wh-what?”

”Ask HIM!” Pre-recorded Larry points behind Jake!

Jake turns around expectantly.

…

No-one.

”M-M-Mister Television, there’s n-n-nobody th-”

Jake spins back around!

And is face-to-face with THE Larry Tact!

”W-w-wow! Larry T-T-Tact! I’ve seen you on the t-t-television!”

”...J-J-Just now!”

”That’s right, kid. Ready to be Tactilized?”

”I s-s-sure am!”

”Then, I just have one question for you…”

”Y-yes! I-I-I want it! I r-r-really want it!”

…

”...Sure, kid. But my actual question is… ‘You paying by credit card or check?’”

”...Oh, uh…”

”Hold that thought.”

Tact spins around with a smirk and angles his smartphone for a selfie with Jake.

”Before Photo!”

---

TAILORING!

”Tactilizing lesson number one, Jake.” Larry admires his chic Louboutin suit in the full-length mirror of a dressing room. ”CLOTHES *give* pizzazz. They’ll make *you* stand out… as your *best* self! Hence, first up for your Tactilizing transformation? Mandatory wardrobe upgrades. CUSTOM DESIGNED.”[/b]

Tact looks over his shoulder.

”Pierre, what’s taking so long with Jake?”

”Monsiuer! I cannot werk under zes condissions!” A French Tailor with a pencil-thin mustache emerges from the dressing room, exasperated. ”Zis creaTURE you have brought me… He iz soft where he should be hard! His shoulders do not support weight! He iz a tailor’s nightmaaaaare!”

”Pierre, c’mon, you’re embellishing, this dude has f-”

The dressing room door opens…

Jake is dressed in a bombastic purple zoot suit. The pants make his legs look like toothpicks, but somehow the shirt gives the beanpole-ish Borden the appearance of a beer belly.

Larry stares.

”W-w-whaddya think?”

…

”Wow.” Tact whistles out a breath. ”Honestly? You look like Tom from Tom & Jerry when he’s trying to seduce a female cat.”

”O-oh! Is that g-g-good?”


Visual Aid

”Let’s just… move on to the *next* step in your Tactilizing transformation!”

---

TENACITY!

”Alright, Jake! You can THINK about being Tactilizing all day and all night… But to perfect the TACTFUL execution? Your mind needs the perfect vessel! One keenly attuned to deliver optimal performance toward your hopes and dreams!”

Tact stands before a glass door leading to…

The official Tact Enterprises gym! Exclusively available to TE employees… Plus patrons of the Tactilize Yourself™ program!

”This state-of-the-art gym has the FINEST equipment you can possibly imagine! Our stacks are REPLETE!”

”360 degree pristine rotation treadmills with tracks to hone every solitary fiber of your calf!”

“Dumbbells with smooth oscillations that DYNAMICALLY ADJUST weight to build YOUR biceps’ perfect structure!”

“My team even invented an exercise bike… that moves YOU around from place-to-place!”

”...W-w-wait, isn’t that just a b-b-bike?”

”Consider this your new temple, Jake. With dedication and TENACITACT, your future shines brightly!”

Tact pats Jake on the back… Jake nods… reaching for the door.

He pulls!

…

Borden pulls with all his might…

…It doesn’t budge an inch.

”Uh… I th-th-think your gym d-d-door's locked, Mister T-T-Tact.”

That moment, a blonde woman effortlessly pulls the door open and walks inside.

”..Oh! C-c-could you h-h-hold the d-d-do-”

It shuts.

…Jake reaches for it again.

He puuuuuuuuuuuuulls.

PUUUUUUUUUUUULLS.

His chest heaves exhaustedly.

Sweat drips down his head.

”W-w-wow, M-m-mister T…Tact!” Borden wheezes exhaustedly. ”Even your g-g-gym’s front d-d-door is a w-w-workout!”

”...Actually, Jake. That’s... just a door.”

”We removed the weighted one for safety reasons.”

…

”O-o-oh…” Jake yanks it again.

…Somehow, it actually gets *more* closed from Jake’s effort.

”...*sigh*...Let’s keep going.”

---

TACTILIZING!

”The third T of Tactilizing? Is BE Tactilizing!”

Jake and Larry sit at the top of a mountain. Larry’s legs are crossed in a meditative pose. Jake’s legs are currently awkwardly tangled as he tries to replicate that pose…

”B-b-but what is T-T-Tactilizing, Mister T-T-Tact?”

”It’s a state of mind, Jake. Need to ask? You’re not Tactilizing right.”

Larry feels his whole inhalation… maintaining his meditation.

”Now… Tactilize.”

…

Jake scratches his head.

…He reaches for his pocket.

And pulls out a pocket dictionary.

He starts flipping through the T’s.

”S-s-sir! To ‘tactilize’ m-m-means to create a mental r-r-representation of what s-s-something feels like to the t-t-touch! So, h-h-how do I d-d-do that?”

”...No. That’s not MY Tactilizing.”

”...Wh-wh-what?”

”Tactilizing is a unique state.”

”B-b-but, what does i-”

”IS THAT QUESTIONING? NOT TACTILIZING.”

…

Tact lets his eyes close, easing back into meditation.

…

Jake scratches his head.

…

Before reaching into his *other* pocket… And retrieving two sewing needles.

He begins to stitch.

…

Tact peeks one eye open.

”Jake. What are you doing?”

”T-t-tactilizing!” Jake proudly raises his stitchwork. ”I’ve cr-cr-cross-stitched a v-v-visual r-r-representation of how it f-f-feels h-h-holding a p-p-perfectly round p-p-pebble!”


…Tact carefully inspects the cross-stitch in his hands. ”This crochet?”

Jake beams with pride. ”My m-m-meemaw taught me! Pl-pl-plus, the m-m-material is a s-s-silk, v-v-velvet hybrid which is also n-n-nice to touc-”

”No.”

In one motion, Tact frisbees Jake’s work off the cliff.

…

Jake stands up.

He peers over the cliffside.

…And watches his hard work disappear into the trees below.

”TACTILIZE.”

…

…Jake’s face reddens.

…His brow turns downward!

Oh my God! Jake Borden is FROWNING!

”M-M-Mister T-T-Tact! You! You!”

…Borden snorts, clearly angry.

”Y-y-you’ve been a r-r-real j-j-j… jeeeeeer… er, you’ve b-b-been unpleasant!”

”Success isn’t gifted, Jake. Sometimes people will be rubbed the wrong way.”

”W-w-well, I d-d-don’t like it!” Jake stomps his foot. ”G-g-guys like you! And Bourbon! You th-think y-y-you j-j-just get to m-m-make stuff up and no one can c-c-call you out on it!”

”TACTILIZING IS A STATE!”

”Th-th-that you can say m-m-mean things about p-p-people even if they aren’t t-t-true!”

”I… what?”

”BOBBY! I AIN’T A HUMAN ENERGY DRINK! I AIN’T WALK AROUND LIKE AN ALPHA MALE!” Jake spits off the side of the mountain, like he’s unleashing pure aggression from his heart! ”YOUR TRASHTALK WAS STRIKING AT SOMEONE I’M NOT.”

…

Jake spins back on Tact.

”Y-y-you can call me g-g-goofy, Mister T-T-Tact.”

“Y-y-you can call me sh-sh-shrimpy even!”

Jake sighs. ”H-h-heck, you can even call me a cl-cl-clown.”

“But n-n-NEVER call M-M-Meemaw B-B-Borden’s proudest g-g-grandson s-s-something he ain’t!”

…

Tact plants a hand on Jake’s shoulder.

”Jake.”

Jake grits his teeth nervously.

”That.”

Larry smirks.

“Was TACTILIZING!”
”Wh-wh-what?”

”You discovered the TRUE Three T’s of Tactilizing, Jake!”

“To Thine Own Self Be True! You rejected becoming something you’re not! Nothing’s more TACTILIZING!”

…Jake beams.

”W-w-wow! Th-th-thanks, Mister T-T-Tac-”

KRRRRRRSH.

Tact hands Jake a receipt.

”That’ll be $2,750.”

…

”Wha-”

*click*Tact snaps another selfie!

”After photo!”

---

TRASHTALK

”O-O-Okay, B-B-Bobby!”

“N-n-no more f-f-facsimiles! Or c-c-comedic stand-ins!”

“I’m c-c-coming at y-y-you!”

“B-B-Bobby Bourbon!”

“You’ve g-g-got all the t-t-talent in the w-w-world.”

”...Kid? This is supposed to be trash talk.”

”H-H-Hold on, Mister T-T-Tact!”

”It’s t-t-true! B-B-Bobby is one of the f-f-fiercest t-t-trashtalkers on the m-m-mic!”

“Wh-wh-when he w-w-wants to be!”

“B-B-But for y-y-years, he’s been h-h-half-assssss…er, l-l-lackadaisical!”

“H-H-He’s been r-r-rapping listless, t-t-TOOTHLESS lyrics!”

“Those b-b-bars were once made of iron!

“N-N-Now they’re made of the ch-ch-chocolate he won’t stop stuffing between m-m-matches!”

“B-B-Bourbon was *once* the S-S-Sultan of Sm-Sm-Smacktalk!”

“Now he’s just the D-D-Duke of d-d-dull-as-d-d-dishwater promos!”

“W-w-wow! C-c-calling TWO opponents B-B-Beavis and B-B-Butthead! S-s-someone shine B-B-Bobby’s PROMO of the Y-Y-Year trophy!”

“...N-n-now, B-B-Bobby.”

“I have a st-st-stutter.”

“I don’t always t-t-talk g-g-good.”

“M-my best? May n-n-never beat your b-b-best!”

…

”B-b-but, I ain’t facing your b-b-best!”

“I’m facing a h-h-has-been that hasn’t a-a-actually won the U-U-Universal title you won’t sh-sh-shuddup about in almost th-th-THREE YEARS!”

“I b-b-beat you once. And I h-h-have it in me to b-b-beat you again.”

“To pr-pr-prove to everyone who only th-th-thinks they know me?”

“WHO I A-A-...er, what I’m about!”

”Mr. Oz wants to be a steward to the next generation, leading them through his program…”

”But there’s a newer, more proven, and well-funded methodology coming to Anarchy.

“When we hit the ring, you’ll discover me and Jake have already begun changing the game with our TACTILIZING synchronization.”

”I’m no spring chicken, but my mind always thinks of implementing methods to help me bounce back. You’ll learn firsthand that even losing a *championship* won’t blot my star power. Consider your purpose snuffed out.”

”I don’t take any opponent lightly, Mr. Oz. You’ll get humbling fistfuls of reasons for your downfall.

”All the while, the fans regaling as I stand steadfast and Jake… well, he’ll be STANDING… for the best path forward for Anarchy.”

”Everyone watching will receive our message loud and clear… if you want to be in our league…”

”Go Tactilize Yourself.”