”It’s dis-GRACE-ful! Beneath my station as an thespian! And furthermore, I-oooh… Don’t mind if I do...”

Lionel scoops a roll onto his plate… sporting a black suit and tie, with a visible soup stain under his left breastpocket.

His agent, Gene Bronagh, also dressed black tie, carefully sidesteps beside him. ”Lionel, it’s a little commercial acting! The AIRHOP ADVENTURE & TRAMPOLINE PARK WARWICK saw your King’s Tourney performance and liked what they saw! This is gre-”

“Shhhhhhh.” A priest gently chides Bronagh’s volume, before gesturing at the funeral attendees all moving to their seats.

”Oh, uh… Thank you, Father…” Gene nods back at Lionel. ”Should we… uh… find our seats?”

”Ah! Tis time!” Lionel quickly brushes a full club-and-three-quarters sandwiches off the platter tray… And five cookies straight into his front pocket.

---

”Today, we celebrate Archibald Cavendish… beloved family man and lifelong office supply salesman.” The priest recites as the mourners listen somberly…

”Look.” Gene uncomfortably whispers, clearly not loving the feeling of talking business at a funeral. ”Your profile’s *high* right now! You came in second at the King’s Tourney battle royal! You outlasted Thunder Knuckles! These guys want *you* NOW… And they might not call next week, get it? This gig’s good money! And you still owe a lotta people a lotta money…”

”Eugene!” Lionel blares at full-volume! ”As my a-Gent, you must protect my career! Nurture my ACTING TALENT! And with this… opportunity? You are EXECUTING my legitimacy as an actoooooooooor!” Lionel snorts, before shoving a handful of cookies into his gob.

Almost like he’s trying to dislodge his jaw like a pelican so he can complain and enunciate at the same time.

”Shhhhhhh!” A black-veiled woman hushes toward the room’s rear where Lionel and Gene are sitting!

Gene grits his teeth, raising an apologetic hand, before the woman huffs, spinning around.

”Commercial acting…*chomp*... is the DEATH of one’s career, Eugene!” Lionel continues at full volume. “A sta-IN upon the thespian’s SOUL! Due an explanation to Dionysus, God of Theatre, Mirth and Whimsy! That a man of his blessing of ACTING TALENT would besmirch that gift…*munch* by wielding it to sell LEAPING!” Lionel declares… as he shovels club sandwich quarters down his gullet with total impunity.


”...*sigh*Let’s talk business later...” Gene sighs, as Archibald’s loved ones approach his closed casket, paying their respects. ”How do you know this guy anyway?”

”Dionysus? Greek Deity of frivolity and frolic?” Lionel grins, as he peers performatively upwards, pantomiming a flashback in his own mind. ”Some would say we’re family! Brothers, even! Cut from the same sackcloth, drenched in mirth and whimsy! For he an-”

”Archibald.” Gene hisses, trying to cue Lionel to quiet down. ”How did you know Archibald?”

…

”Whomst?”

”...The Dead Guy. The One in the casket that we’re here for?”

Lionel’s eyes focus momentarily ”Oh, him.”

”Never met him before in my life.”…He resumes eating, sticking three deviled eggs down his mouth.

”...You haven’t? Then what the FUCK are we doing here?”

”First… the catering at this funeral home is DIVINE, Eugene!” Lionel finishes running his tongue over a small pool of pudding before frisbeeing the plastic plate away. ”Second, as an actorrrrrrrrrr, this is the perfect setting to hone my craft.”

”...Your craft?”

”Behold.”

”If anyone at this time would like to say something on Archibald’s behalf…” the priest radiates compassion…. ”Let them speak n-”

”NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

All the mourners turn around, shocked by the sudden outburst, as Lionel drops to his knees, beating his fists against the carpeted floor!

”THERE IS NO GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!” Lionel howls into the sky, as tears stream down his face. ”HOW COULD YOU TAKE THIS ANGEL FROM US?!? HE HAD SO MUCH MORE TO GIVE!”

”…Wow…” Gene mutters, feeling moved. ”...I’m…” Gene wipes a tear away, watching Lionel’s performance.

”Jesus CHRIST.” The funeral director shouts, gesturing towards two security guards. ”That guy’s back! GET ‘IM OUTTA HERE!”

---

The funeral home’s door burst open!

Two security guards give Lionel the heave-ho out the door!

He lands on his face right on the stairs!

Gene’s arms are raised defensively as he walks out the door himself...

”NONE OF YOU KNEW ABNER CALENDAR LIKE I DID!” Lionel ruefully calls from the ground! ”HE WAS A GREAT MAN! A GRE-”

The door starts to close!

”Wait!” Lionel drops the character. ”I left a to-go plate on the coffin! Could you bring it t-!”

SLAM!

”FIENDS!”

”Lionel.” Gene sighs, sitting on the steps. ”About this gig…”

”Eugene!” Lionel rebukes, rising from the ground, adjusting his crooked tie. ”I have made CLEAR, this... ‘gig' is BENEATH ME! Under no circumstances would I take it!

EVER!”

“*sigh*Guess I’ll just mail back the $30 Red Lobster Gift Card they sent…”

…

”Thirty dollar Red Lobster Gift Card?”

---

Lionel’s standing in front of the AIRHOP ADVENTURE & TRAMPOLINE PARK WARWICK in a knight’s costume!

”FOLKS! I’M THE SER OF AIR! AND TODAY ONLY, YOU CAN CATCH ME AT THE AIRHOP ADVENTURE & TRAMPOLINE PARK WARWICK!”

”I’LL BE FIST-FIGHTING A COLLECTION OF THE XWF’S ZANIEST CHARACTERS!!”

“Ser Air” jumps on a trampoline!

”My opponents think they’re better than me? I’m HOPPING mad about it!”

Lionel, in full chainmail, sashays off a diving board into a foam brick pit!

”I’m afraid of no-one! When that bell rings, I’m JUMPING the biggest guy in the match!”

Chainmail Lionel rides on a zipline above the AIRHOP ADVENTURE & TRAMPOLINE PARK WARWICK!

”I’m ZIPPING through this competition and STEPPING into line for the Universal Title!”

…Lionel lands, then holds up a neon-green laminated ticket!

”Of course, you don’t need lines at all, if you get a AIRHOP ADVENTURE & TRAMPOLINE PARK WARWICK FASTPASS!”

A sweaty Lionel eats a churro, beside parents working on their laptops.

”Parents welcome! Free Wi-Fi and our ballpits have a legally acceptable amount of diphtheria!”

Lionel bounces off a trampoline, latching onto a hanging bar!

”The AIRHOP ADVENTURE & TRAMPOLINE PARK WARWICK! Like Ser Air? It’s…”

Lionel does a pull-up above the bar!

”Head and shoulders above the competition!”