Bobby looks, well, quite pissed, his RBF (resting bitch face 😕) being well documented.

Things haven’t been swell for Bobby of late, for the most, however not, most important part.

Them No Good Bastards are in a tag tournament, and they’re primed.

The Revolution is well underway.

Thing is…

Bobby hasn’t won all year.

Bobby hasn’t won in nearly a year.

Bobby, obviously, is doing something horrifically incorrect because every Tom, Dick, and Harry has tossed him around. Pfft, legendary indeed.

Maybe Bobby, after all, is better without your respect. His earliest realization on XWF programming was, after all, he was a shitty, shitty bad guy.

We see Bobby behind the driver’s seat of his car, not looking at the camera but watching the road. Beside him is an unknown young woman.

Looking at her, she’s almost a girl to Bobby, some half his age. Bobby’s jaw is tight as he drives, not the simplistic smile he can’t help but wear with Teal. This is where we catch up with Bobby.

Beware.

Trigger warning ahead.

She looks onward, continuing her conversation over her phone, almost distinctly in Spanish.

Bobby doesn’t eavesdrop. He slams the brakes instead.

In front of him, Corporate Stooges. Lots upon lots of them. Not just any stooges, though.

There’s Thud Dake, 700 lb version of Thad Duke, two inches shorter though, he is corpulent and rotund, and also, unlike Duke, popular.

Grant Fowl, a guy in a chicken costume, except not a famous one, perhaps yet? (Hah, he'll never be famous. Not here what a stupid corporate stooge lol amirite???)

Then, a bunch of bootleg Korean, Russian, and even more Korean Knockoff Stooges arrive.

First, there is Girl Game. She comes with 66 games, three of which are contagious reskins of ELO’s Mathalympics.

Then, there’s Gamer Girl Pro. She comes with a track pad and VR goggles but it’s just trash and rarely works.

Third, there’s Girly Gamer Plus. She comes with an ashtray, yet still has cigarette burns all over her clothes.

Fourth, there was…

Fuck the fourth, and the fifth, and the sixth.

Bobby equips his modified Gatling Laser. He tosses a bundle of dynamite. Thud and Grant are blown to bits, the six Game Girl bootlegs of her scatter. Bobby starts to hunt them down.

“Hey, Bobby!”

The young woman hollers from the passenger side window.

“Me casa!”

Bobby’s eyes go wide. He puts his gatling laser back into his inventory and equips a plasma defender. He returns to his car and gets inside.

“Perdona me.”

Bobby buckles his safety belt like a sane person and drives away from this awesome Bobby vs. Corporate Stooge/Bootleg Knockoff standoff of the ages to take someone home. Girl Game, Gamer Girl Pro, Girly Gamer Plus, Polygamer, Game Boy Jr., Video Girl, TeleGirl 2000, Holographicunt, gross. They all de-spawn anyhow.

Bobby gets his friend home without incident.

“Hasta la vista!”

She rolls her eyes. She's not fond of the Terminator, that movie is dumb to her since she believes Sarah Connor is the real Terminator.

“Hasta miercoles.”

Bobby sits for a moment in the driveway of his friend’s home. Hunting the corporate stooges would have to wait, that was the Revolution’s business. Being nasty to them would have to wait too, that’s the mark of a No Good Bastard.




Bobby honks the horn of his car. His friend turns, raising her hands upward in confusion. She returns to the vehicle.

“¿Quieres ir y pasar el rato?”

Bobby asks his friend if she wants to go hang out. She goes wide eyed.

“Siempre te encuentras en escenarios locos o absurdos. Sólo quiero lavar la ropa.”

Bobby nods and smiles, not understanding the full breadth of what she says nor her objection.

“No loco.”

“OK.”

She relents, knowing Bobby wouldn’t harm a hair on her head. She re-enters the vehicle and Bobby backs out of the driveway.

“¿Quieres ir a la biblioteca?”

Unaware of what he could do, Bobby asks his friend if she wants to go to the library, not even certain why he would go there anyhow. Sure, he could go read something, even if reading is like math; for nerds. She, on the other hand, once there, simply meandered around the building, surrounded by thousands of books she couldn’t read. She pulls her phone out and begins watching some video on it. Bobby notices, but is stunned at the sight of none other than Girl Game.

“Ah, Bobby Bourbon, I have found you! Now we shall…”

The librarian looks up.

“Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”

Everyone in the library looks at Girl Game, who looks fully embarrassed at being shushed in a library. Bobby shakes his head ‘no’ as he walks up to her.

“Look, not now. I’m on my downtime.”

“Oh. Shit. Sorry.”

Girl Game is way more subdued with her speech this time around. The librarian was still watching.

“I, uh, well, next time?”

Bobby shakes his head.

“Go take a break.”

Girl Game looks at the camera then leaves the library. Bobby’s friend cocks an eyebrow as she approaches.

“¿Quién era ese?”

Bobby barely knows.

“No se. No absurdos. ¿Lista?”

She nods. They leave the library and walk back to Bobby’s black sedan. He gets in the driver’s seat and buckles himself in. He starts the engine and departs.

"¿Quieres una hamburguesa con queso?"

She nods, smiling eagerly.

“Si!”

Bobby smiles, he himself pleased he can remember ‘cheeseburger’. The radio plays as they ride down the road. Suddenly, on a motorcycle, keeping pace with Bobby, is Gamer Girl Pro. Bobby rolls his eyes and rolls down his window.

“HEY!”

“I TOLD THE OTHER ONE, I’M ON MY DOWNTIME RIGHT NOW.”

“OH! SORRY!"

"WE DON’T KEEP IN TOUCH."

"BYEeeeeeeeee…”

Gamer Girl Pro slows down, stays in her lane, and drives like a sane person. Bobby’s friend looks perplexed again.

“¿Qué fue eso?”

Bobby shakes his head as he rolls his window back up.

“Absurdo, no se.”

Bobby and his friend pull into a hamburger stand, some small mom and pop shop, the classic American greasy fork. Bobby lumbers up to the window along with his friend.

“Two cheeseburgers, please, one no pickles.”

Bobby pays for the burgers. His friend nudges him.

“Bebas.”

She approaches the window.

“Two Sprites.”

She turns and beams at Bobby, flaunting her use of English to order two sodas. She hands over a ten dollar bill and gets her change along with two green cans. She hands one to Bobby. The both crack them in stereo and sip, just like a soda commercial. As they do, Girly Gamer Plus and Telegirl 2000 arrive at the burger stand in a monster truck.

“¿Cómo te siguen encontrando?”

Bobby looks baffled, at both the stooges and the question, not understanding it whatsoever. (NOTE: She asked ‘how do they keep finding you?’)

“No se!”

Bobby looks in horror as Girly Gamer Plus and Telegirl 2000 each point rocket launchers aimed at the burger stand.

“WOAH!”

“HEY!”

“Just having a burger, don’t blow up the shop, I’m on my downtime.”

“Oh, sorry, damn. These are just t-shirt cannons anyway!”

Telegirl 2000 shoots her t-shirt cannon out into the road, hitting an unsuspecting pedestrian as they are walking in the head, knocking them to the ground.

The corporate stooges depart in their monster truck. Bobby and his friend grab the cheeseburgers and sit down at a table, eating quietly. After they finish, they dispose of their trash in a nearby bin and get back into Bobby’s car.

“¿Dónde sigue?”

Bobby gives pause. Usually, this is when some absurdity would occur, like mole people stealing Mt. Rushmore, or a wizard of some kind casts some devious hex, or sometimes a giant monster just walks around and steps on a boat.

“Centro comercial.” Bobby looks perplexed as he simply says ‘mall’, somewhere nothing ridiculous would happen at.

“OK.” She looks bored by the thought of it, or unexcited.

Bobby drives his friend to the mall. They park, and walk inside. Bobby rolls his eyes as Video Girl is standing arms akimbo in the center hall.

“I knew it was only a matter of time, Bobby, until you needed some retail therapy!”

Bobby puts his hands out in front of him, slowly shaking his head ‘no’. His friend is looking at her phone, which is to her more interesting than the living video game sprite become polygon standing in front of them, dancing around in a herky jerky Nintendo 64 way.

“Downtime.”

“Oh.”

Video Girl nods, understanding Bobby completely and unquestioningly. She turns and orders a pretzel at a nearby kiosk. Bobby and his friend keep walking down the hall to an arcade. Bobby cocks an eyebrow and looks inside as she also looks quite interested. Unlike the arcades of the 1980’s, this one has a flat rate according to the sign that says for fifteen dollars, you have unlimited play time. Bobby and his friend approach a machine together.


Bobby smiles as he approaches the machine. His friend turns, and sees some of her other friends. She waves. Bobby looks and nods.

“Voy a ir con ellos, adiós Bobby.”

“Adiós.”

Bobby understands, finding himself to be boring to young women since he was a young man himself. He goes to the counter and pays fifteen bucks, and goes back to play Rampage.

“I used to think I never could beat this game.”

“Not that it’s all that difficult to play, and to understand.”

“It’s sole purpose is to just sit there and be played, ad infinitum.”

“The screens change, all the time.”

“You go into a city.”

“You destroy buildings, and the layout changes.”

“Sometimes there’s water.”

“Sometimes there’s a ton of railways.”

“Sometimes there’s barely any buildings.”

“And sometimes you’re challenged by another player who’s come in and threw down a quarter.”

“Once you get to the end, though, the last city programmed into the game?”

“You go back to the first city.”

“They rebuilt while you wrecking every other city.”

“You start who whole goddamned game all over again.”

“For some strange reason, though, I’ll never get sick of tearing down buildings in it. There’s a simplistic nonsense to it all, just walk, jump, and punch stuff.”

“Oh, shit, Burgertime!”

Bobby darts from Rampage after traipsing down memory lane in a haze of nostalgia as he finds a game he likes more.

“I have never been to this arcade, I’m glad I came here.”

As he says this, Gameboy Jr. arrives, being pushed in a stroller by an au pair. The baby fusses and points at Bobby.

“Look, I’m on my downtime, and even if I wasn’t, I’m not fighting a baby, not even in an arcade.”

The au pair rolls Gameboy Jr, who giggles and claps, out of the arcade and down the hall to wait behind Bobby’s friend in line to get a pretzel, but not the same pretzel kiosk that Video Girl went to.

“...”

“Everywhere I turn, seriously.”

Bobby turns, and beholds.

XWF XTREME. The glow of retro pixelated graphics illuminates Bobby’s face.

He approaches the machine, and presses ‘start’.

Match Style? Bobby grins as he chooses High Stakes, then goes to character select.

He beholds a bevy of XWF stars, then his face immediately goes sour.

“Oh.”

“What the FUCK!”

The arcade librarian stands up.

“Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”

Bobby, shushed, fumes in silence at the sight of an XWF arcade game and he’s not even in it.

Bobby pulls his phone out, dialing Thad Duke, head GM and his boss, about a grievance.

“DUKE!”

“...”

“Bobby, why are you shouting?”

“I’m not in the XWF arcade game!”

“Oh yeah? What of it?”

“I want to be in it!”

“Too late, it’s already out, deal with it.”

“PATCH ME AS DLC!”

“Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

The arcade librarian wags a stern finger at Bobby.

“*sigh*”

“Bye, Bobby.”

Thad hangs up. Bobby shakes his head ‘no’, snorts, and puts his phone away. Bobby selects Famine of the Vile as the roster is from 2005, and Bobby wouldn’t arrive in the XWF for a further decade.

Having never played this game, like most, because it’s famously terrible, Bobby is bored and walks away as his character is painting the guardrail purple while someone power washes a patio somewhere else and there’s an eight-foot koala.

Bobby looks around and finds Terminator 2. If you know, you know, this thing was absolutely boss to see for the first time, complete with the light gun controller. In this day and age, there’s a handy package of wipes for after putting your face to the light gun, like in a gym.

“Let’s go destroy an advanced model.”

Bobby puts his finger on the trigger.

You were warned.