“Hello everybody my name is Roger and I am sorry that there is no yummy roast dinner for you to eat on your visit today. As you know, my mummy exploded into a thousand butterflies and unfortunately butterflies aren’t very good at cooking. That being said, I want to say thank you to my half-brother, that bitch Joseph Gordon-Levitt, for his help so far in trying to track down the other Rogers and Josephs that my mummy made so we can unify our powers and bring her back to the land of rainbows and elephants and living people.”

“Err… you’re welcome?”

I made a very approving nod of my head and all of my gathered friends followed suit: Prince Ibrahim of vainglorious Niger; gentle Nancy who sells me cranberry juice at my favourite store in the whole world whose name is ALDI; Mr. Brandon who serves lager as cold as my half-brother's demented heart; and of course my sweet Molly who is thirteen months pregnant with my child and is cuddling my darling rabbit Elmer.

My new friends such as the computer man who spells his name with a 3; and Jake Borden whose name does actually have an R in it despite my misgivings once upon a time; and the late, great Barney Green, were each unable to make it.

“I know that many of you are worried that I am spending too much time having a wrestle and not enough time finding Rogers and Josephs - making it harder for us to have a yummy roast again. But I wanted to reassure you that I have a cunning plan behind all of my wrestles and that is to get more and more attention to the plight of the Rogers and Josephs and maybe get closer to finding out why they all keep getting murdered too!”

“Murdered? Didn't a seal get that Joseph in Svalbard? And a Walmart ate that Roger the other week.”

I turned to that bitch Joseph Gordon-Levitt and tapped very, very thoughtfully on my chin.

“I think it is too much of a coincidence that every Roger and Joseph keeps getting slaughtered like baby ducks under my bicycle wheel. What’s to stop you or I being the next to be destroyed by a sea mammal performing that finishing manoeuvre called the SYNthesis but which I will call the ROGERthesis when I submit it to the University of Oxford as my thesis in service of my PhD on how that smelly punk whore Matthias has never pinned me in two matches but I have still had a pin of him? Huh? What’s to stop that?”

Even wise Prince Ibrahim, banished from his homeland under threat of death-by-Chinese burn, grew a wee bit worried.

“Roger… you brave and soulful hero. Your plan is a good one–”

“–No, it's not!–”

“–but consider the perils, friend. You are on the best run of your life - pinned just once in four matches, but… you did not prevail last week when there were only two opponents. How are you going to defeat three? Especially with a murderer of Rogers and Josephs on the loose!”

“There’s no murderer!”

My brother’s ignorance made my amazing Molly have a wee cry, and her tears smelled like the moon so I knew I had to save the day.

“Murderer or not, you should not fear for my life. Last time I fought the sex pest Tommy Thug he had John Thug with him, while I was abandoned by Molly the Barnes! I was still able to put up a good fight against both of them all by myself. This time, without his life mate John Thug with him, I think that Tommy Thug will be as weak as the loo paper at Mr. Brandon's pub. After all, the biggest accomplishment he has ever had is being Tommy Thug the X-Treme and even I have done that!”

Mr. Brandon looked embarrassed but I blew him a kiss so he knew I was just joshing with him.

“There has even been a Gorilla the X-Treme! But as far as I know there has never been a Razor Blade the X-Treme. And I don’t know if I told you all this yet, but there were three little hairs growing on my chinny chin chin last week so I found one of mummy’s world famous razor blades to cut them off. Now I have been shaving for a whole week and haven’t even cut myself yet! So if a Gorilla can be X-Treme but a Razor Blade cannot be… and I have defeated two different gorillas in unarmed combat… and razor blades also cannot make me bleed when I trim my three chin hairs… then according to ancient mathematics, Razor Blade can’t stop me either!”

Nancy from ALDI drank delicious cranberry juice and furiously took notes. I looked around with pride at the best friends a boy from foggy London could ever ask for.

“I am ready. I have been doing lots of exercise using this new fitness regime my lovely Molly here put me onto and it is preparing me for mortal kombat. It is called VilaroFit and through it I have had lovely soapy baths and can now put my legs even further behind Molly’s head than I could before. But through it I have also learned all about the fist fighting and foot fighting and grapple fighting techniques of the trainer. Their fists have been fighting like feet and their feet have been fighting like fists, and my good buddy Oz (who is not the wizard from the movies - I asked) beat up the VilaroFit and someone else all by himself, so she can't be that tough either.

Trust me, my lovely friends, I am going to advertise the plight of Rogers and Josephs across the world! I will save my mummy despite the risk to my bodily harm!

After all… What would Barney Green do?”

“WWBGD!”

“Thank you for listening to my tale.”