Deep within the furthest reaches of space and time; our hero! CAPTAIN FUTURE! Fights his most mightiest foe!

“LISTEN HERE YOU CAD! I, CAPTAIN FUTURE! SHALL NOT SUCCUMB TO YOUR MOST NEFARIOUS SCHEMES!!!”

“Sir, everyone has to pay for parking, if you don’t you get a ticket it's a very simple system.”

CAPTAIN FUTURE! Gasps! He flicks his mighty wrist in front of himself in the space cops direction.

“CAPTAIN FUTURE! HAS NO NEED FOR PARKING RESTRICTIONS! TAKE THIS!!!”

CAPTAIN FUTURE! Places his hands on hips and stares at the unassuming space cop.

“I-uh OOOOOOOOOOOFFFPPPPH!!!!”

A devastating shockwave hits the space cop’s space cheek and he is knocked back into SPACE! Ripples of telepathic energy surround CAPTAIN FUTURE’S! Cool head!

“I FORSEE SPACE BEES! IN YOUR FUTURE!!!”

”SPACE WHAT!? ARGGGHHHH!!!”

As our hero predicted, small bees in little astronaut helmets and wearing jetpacks begin stinging the space cop with zero prejudice!

“ARGH! MY SPACE FACE! THEY’RE STINGING MY SPACE FACE!!!!!”

CAPTAIN FUTURE! Laughs a powerful laugh!

“A-HA! ACAB MOTHER FLIPPER!!!!”

Our sexy hero known also as Mister Cool Guy flaps his cool guy cape and turns a cool guy turn as he walks towards an American 50s diner (which are very popular in deep space) as we zoom out showing CAPTAIN FUTURE! Walking towards the neon structure which is located on an asteroid! Truly a zoning violation! How wicked!!

TITLE CARD HITS!





Truly terrible music plays as CAPTAIN FUTURE! Enters the diner hearing the music he stops and looks above him to the youtube link.

“what-what is this?”

“Shitty diner music, hun.”

A waitress on rollerskates says as she passes by, her gelatinous tentacles passing plates to tables nearby. Our hero is stunned.

“IT’S BEAUTIFUL! TRULY ANGELS HARK AT ME! CAPTAIN FUTURE!!!!!”

“... Sure. You ordering or you here for the Ziggy Stardust impersonation tournament?”

Our hero looks at a line of David Bowie impersonators trying to harmonize Life on Mars.

“PERHAPS LATER! I AM HERE TO SEE A MAN NAMED COMMODORE PAST! IS HE HERE!?”

A voice sounding like it's coming from a crackly gramophone cuts through the air.

“Future! Old bean!” The Commodore stands in grainy black and white, with a fabulous moustache he tips his pith helmet and places his thumbs with his vest. “You’re late!”

“BAH!” CAPTAIN FUTURE! Flicks out his cape and storms over. “I AM ALWAYS LATE TO YOU, YOU OLD FART! AS YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN EVERYTHING IS LATE TO YOU! AS I, CAPTAIN FUTURE, ONLY ARRIVE IN THE FUTUREEEEEEE!!!!”

CAPTAIN FUTURE! Takes a seat across from Commodore Past and turns to the waitress.

“I’LL TAKE THE HOUSE SOUP! AS I HAVE FORESEEN STORY ELEMENTS WITHIN IT! I SHALL ALSO TAKE A SPACE MARTINI! AND MAKE IT LIMINAL!”

“One wet bowl and wet spice on both sides of the time sphere coming up. How about you, Commodore? Another wet brown?”

“If you please, and make it proceeding it’s readied form, toots sweet!”

The Commodore knocks down on his cane as the waitress rolls her eyes and skates off.
“WHY HAVE YOU SUMMONED ME HERE, PAST!?”

A martini appears on the table in front of FUTURE!

“Well, chum. I’m in need of assistance, pip pip! General Present has gone missing.”

FUTURE! Goes to take a sip from his martini but it phases out of existence before he puts it to his lips, he sighs.

“That’s a good martini… AND WHY SHOULD I CARE ABOUT GENERAL PRESENT, COMMODORE!? THAT TWINK ONLY GETS IN MY WAY!”

“Because you gigglemug, if General Present has flubbed-the-dub we’re both gonna end up in pine overcoats! None of us can exist without t’other!”

Our hero spits out the time-bending Martini despite never taking a drink! As this is a fascinating and story-rich world!

“GROGLESUMP! That’s a future word for “Oh Fuck! We’re in a pickle.””

Commodore Past wipes his face with an embroidered hanky.

“Indeed, barreled and soaked in vinegar, old sport. Now focus your audio, chum so we can get out of this red onion and into some ironed shirts.”

CAPTAIN FUTURE gives a confident nod despite not knowing what the Commodore is saying.

“Word about town is General Past has been colder than a toilet seat on OGLE-2005-BLG-390Lb as of late. I suspect this cabbage hat is laying low on a planet known as E-arth.”

“E-ARTH!? WHAT A STUPID NAME!”

“Here’s your flubble-humper soup and a coffee in its un-readied form.

The waitress places down a bowl of thick soup with tendrils leaking out and a small pile of dirt with a sprout peaking out. The commodore smiles kindly.

“Mmm! Delicious, thank you.”

FUTURE! Takes his spork (Space Fork also known as a spoon) and dips it into the bowl before hesitating.

“WAITER! THERE’S A DICK IN MY SOUP!”

The waitress looks in and back to CAPTAIN FUTURE!

“Yes, I know.”

“AS DID I! HENCE WHY I ORDERED IT! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

The waitress goes to say something but stops herself not wanting to continue this conversation any longer and leaves.

“Anyhow, Future! We’ll be making the trip to E-arth to scoop up this whippersnapper and get him in line before we pop our clogs!”

“EXCELLENT! ALLOW ME TO FINISH MY MEAL AND WE WILL-AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRTGGGGHJIHGHG!!!! BRAIN BLAAAAAAASTTTTT!!!!”

Strong ripples of energy pound the CAPTAIN’S head as he sees a premonition. He places both his palms on the table as he breathes heavily, sweat dropping from his brow.

“DICK!!!!”

Commodore raises an eyebrow as he places an extravagant pipe between his lips.

“I WAS PENETRATED BY DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK~!!!!!”

“Come again?”

“MAYBE AFTER A GATORADE! HUH-”

CAPTAIN FUTURE grasps at the martini that isn’t there and downs the contents before catching his breath.

“I HAD A “THAT’S SO RAVEN-ESQUE” VISION OF A DARK FUTURE, COMMODORE. I WAS- … I WAS BEATEN BY A MAN NAMED DICKIE WATSON!”

“Preposterous! No mortal can whoop us in a donnybrook!”

“I SEENT IT, COMMODORE! I SEENT IT WITH MY MIND’S EYE! HOLY FUCK HE KICKED MY ASS! … WAIT… NO… THERE’S ANOTHER POSSIBILITY… HE-HE.. HE NO SHOWS?”

“What are you babbling about boy?”

“I AM… UNCERTAIN. WHAT EVERY THIS E-ARTH PLACE IS, IT FUDDLES MY FUTURE TELLING ABILITIES. AS IF… THINGS ARE PICKED AT RANDOM!”

“Hmmm…” Commodore Past puffs at his pipe. “This must have something to do with the General Present. If he is indeed on E-arth, he must be making a hullabaloo of your techniques, Captain.”

CAPTAIN FUTURE! Stands up in anger and pulls out a space gun shooting a young couple on their first date, nobody cared.

“THEN I WILL SEE TO IT THAT GENERAL PRESENT WILL BE THROWN INTO THE DEEPEST PITS OF THE MACROCHASM AND PAY FOR MIND-FUCKING ME!!!!”

Captain Future marches out of the diner. Commodore Past stands up and places a two tuppence on the table as a meager tip before following FUTURE! To his spaceship.

---

“DICKIE WATSON!!!!!!”

“YOU FOOLISH CHILD WHAT ARE YOU!!?!?!?!?!?”

“YOUR NAME IS STUPID AND CONFUSING!”

“ARE YOU A PENIS OR ARE YOU SOME KIND OF BATTERY!?”

“PERHAPS BOTH!”

“YOU NEED A NAME THAT IS CLEAR AND SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT YOU! LIKE MY SWEET NAME! CAPTAIN IS MY RANK, FUTURE IS MY JAM! CAPTAIN FUTURE! CLEAR AS THE SKY ON TRAPPIST-1B!!!!”

“DICKIE WATSON SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING A TODDLER CAME UP WITH! AND JUST LOOK AT HOW YOU DRESS! LIKE A BITCH! THAT’S WHAT! A SMELLY, LITTLE TEENAGER WHO NEVER KNEW TO GROW OUT OF YOUR PHASE!”

“YOU THINK YOU’RE SOOOOO COOL!”

“WELL YOU’RE NOT!”

“AS DUE TO MY AMAZING POWERS OF FUTURESIGHT I SHALL PROVE HOW YOU’RE NOTHING MORE THAN A WORM UNDER MY HEEL!”

“IF YOU DO SHOW UP WHICH IS GAUGE IS A FIFTY-FIFTY CHANCE OF HAPPENING, HERE IS WHAT YOU WILL PRATTLE ON ABOUT!”

“YOUR ACCOLADES AT FIGHT! NYC. YES, THE DEFUNCT FEDERATION WHICH MADE ZERO IMPACT! OH HOW COOL YOU ARE THAT YOU DID SOMETHING AT SOME PLACE THAT DIDN’T LAST! HOW INDY OF YOU!”

“YOU WILL MENTION SEBASTIAN EVERETT-BRYCE! HOW YOU THINK YOU CAN DEFEAT HIM AND HOW YOU’RE SO HORNY FOR GOLD! YOU SLUT! THE SAD THING IS HOWEVER, SEB SHALL BE LEAVING XWF NEXT YEAR DUE TO “EXHAUSTION” AND “FATIGUE” AS HE HAS NOTHING LEFT IN THE PROVERBIAL TANK AND WILL DUCK OUT LIKE A WIDDLE BABY AND YOU SHALL NOT FACE HIM BUT INSTEAD HAVE TO SUFFER THE LIKES OF CHARLIE NICKLES! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

“MY FINAL PREMONITION IS THAT YOU WILL MAKE FUN OF HOW I DRESS! … RUDE! YOU’RE A RUDE PERSON, DICK! AND I SHALL SPEND NO MORE TIME ON YOU OR HOW YOUR FUTURE CONSISTS OF GENITAL HERPES AND A BAD BREAK-UP!”

“A MEDIOCRE CAREER WHERE YOU’RE ONLY A DRAW FOR A FEW NOTABLE MONTHS BEFORE YOU LEAVE AND JOIN A CARNIVAL! YOU WILL BE IN CHARGE OF THE HOOK-A-DUCK GAME AND ALTHOUGH YOU DO ENJOY YOU WORK AS YOU MAKE OTHERS SMILE WITH A WARM AND WELCOMING CHARISMA, YOU HAVE NO HEALTH OR DENTAL INSURANCE!!!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA! AND YOUR WIFE CASSANDRA, OR AS YOU AFFECTIONATELY CALL HER “LIL’ PIGGIE” DUE TO HER FLAT NOSE AND POT BELLY, DESPERATELY NEEDS ADULT BRACES DUE TO LARGE GAPS IN HER TEETH AS SHE FLOSSES WITH A FRAYED LENGTH OF ROPE!”

“WHAT A DIM AND AMUSING FUTURE YOU HOLD, DICKHEAD!”

“WHILE I, CAPTAIN FUTURE, REMAIN IMMORTAL WITH AN INTIMIDATING BULGE! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!



“NOW I TAKE MY LEAVE!”




“AND I SHALL SEE YOU…….”




IN THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTUUUUUUUUUUURRRREEEE!!!!!!”