We meet up in BOB’s dimly lit, gambling establishment hidden deep within the Bible Belt, three megastars of XWF sit around a poker table. Bobby Bourbon, known for his brutality, occupies one end of the table in a lovely, albeit out-of-season, bright green sundress. Beside him, but far enough away, sits BOB D, the reigning Xtreme Champion. Thunder Knuckles, the Universal Champion with a mullet that has earned him fame, sits on the other side. Last but not least, Jimmy, TK's trusted assistant, is filling the role of dealer for the evening. He proceeds to deal the first hand. Each player is dealt two private cards face down. After burning the top card Jimmy shows the flop. 3 of Diamonds 6 of hearts and the Ace of Spades.


Well, look at that! The Ace!


BOB D sarcastically emphasizes the word 'ace,' while rolling his eyes at the thought of his former partner.


The only thing Ned's acing is being a failure.


And being Mark Flynn's lapdog.


It's funny that the 2 on their team thinks he's an ace.


All three players in this battle of wits peek at their cards.


2? Try 3.


Bobby firmly taps the table, motioning that he's checking.


But 2's a lower number.


TK mirrors Bobby's check with a tap of his own.


And also shit.


BOB D also checks, allowing all of them to see the river at no charge of the players. Another Ace lands on the table, this time of Hearts.


Speaking of which: did you see his performance against Brandon Hendricks at the Porter games?


Yeah, unfortunately.


I mean, being there isn't the same as crushing it.


I EXPECT better, I just don't get it.


See? He's still making you look like an asshole, D! Good thing you're with us!


TK lays his hand out, revealing 2s, making four-of-a-kind.


Look at that! It takes four Ned's to win; luckily this is a trios match!


Thunder Knuckles reaches for the pot and slides all the chips towards him.


Shuffle up, Jimmy!


Jimmy shuffles the deck and deals two more cards to each player. Everyone antes up, Jimmy burns off the top card and deals the flop. After all three men check their cards.


Two hundred.


Call.


Call.


Jimmy burns the top card of the deck again and reveals the King of clubs on the turn, much to TK's displeasure.


Pfft, it would be a King.

I'm not complaining, but then again I never bet on Kings. Wait, do you mean the match or right now?

Can't it be both?


Bobby raises his eyebrow and stares at TK, in an attempt to read his poker face.


Yes.


Bourbon pushes all of his chips into the pot.


All in.


TK looks at his cards for a moment before flipping them over to Jimmy and motioning for Bobby to take the pot.


Did I ever tell you guys about why I'm not allowed in Tijuana?


Jimmy begins to deal the cards. The pot is set as all three men look at their cards.


You’re banned from an entire city?!


I'm not allowed in Saskatoon, Stutgaart, and parts of Milan.


Oh, damn; sounds like I gotta step my game up!


Yeah, D. Someday, if you're really successful, you too will be barred entry to an entire city. Anyway, I got banned from Tijuana. Have you guys ever seen Clerks 2?


Seen it? I own it!.......... but no, I haven't seen it.


Were there tits in it?

Okay, so you haven't watched Clerks 2. Anyway, a buddy of mine was getting married, and he wanted his bachelor party down in Mexico so we could go to a donkey show.


To buy a donkey?


Oh, no, D, that's where people pay to watch someone fuck a donkey. I wanted to do it at the Bastard's Den but…


But nobody wants to clean up donkey jizz.


Not even the donkeys.


Shame y’all didn't have ME back then. As a former janitor, I've cleaned up MUCH worse!


So my buddy gets a huge trip together to go to Tijuana. I'm thinking, alright, we'll go, but at the same time…


Wait, I gotta ask, was it Diamondback or Cyberjaw who wanted to watch the beastiality?


Neither, this was back in the day before I hired them on to be my own Bebop and Rocksteady.


D and TK chuckle while Bobby calls the pot.


So, we all fly to Tijuana, and the first night we hit up a pharmacy. They have whatever drugs are available on like a big sandwich menu, anything you can imagine that's a prescription medicine is sold there. I got some medical mescaline…


TK calls, passing the action to D.


Medical mescaline?


Oh hell yeah, man. You know it’s good when you are convinced you’re a puddle! Anyway, the next day, we’re set to go to the donkey show, and I’ll be the first to tell you it’s not really something I’m looking forward to.



D raises.


Can't imagine why.


So I’m outside of the place.


Bobby calls the raise.


Right there is a street food guy with a truck full of chickens and a huge vat of hot oil. It smells amazing. I tell the guys to go in, and I approach the vendor. I ask him how much for a whole chicken, and he says five dollars.


TK also calls. Jimmy burns one and turns three, showing the Jack of Hearts, the Six of Spades, and the Four of Spades. B.O.B. D checks.


So the guy reaches into the truck, pulls out a bird, and tries to hand it to me. I look at him, curious, and ask if he wants me to break its neck for him. He looks and laughs, saying he won’t do that, I bought the bird. I felt silly, not asking what to expect when I started the process. After some back and forth, and forty-five dollars later, he’s frying me some fresh chicken.


And I thought car dealerships drove a hard bargain.


Right? But I couldn’t steal a pope chicken.


Bobby raises a hefty stack of chips.


So I get my chicken.


TK calls the bet.


So I have a bucket of chicken and I walk into the club, no fuss no muss. I see my buddy and the rest of the crew all out in the crowd, and this place is like the U.N. at an arms dealer. There are so many flags on shoulders, and insignias, from around the world, all for the donkey show.


So you went to the internationally renowned one, nice!


D also calls the pot. Jimmy burns a card and turns one. It’s the Ace of Diamonds.


I just go sit at the bar with my bucket of chicken, and it’s the best fried chicken I’ve ever had in my entire life. The bartender walks over, and she’s absolutely glamorous. Tall, chesty, makeup done perfectly. She asks what I’ll have, and I explain I’m just hungry and here to support my buddies. She immediately asks for a piece of chicken!


D places a large bet.


The nerve! Did you give her the meat or the bone?


Well, it’s here that I notice her neck, and see the Adam’s apple.


Oh shit.


Eh, to each their own.


Bobby glances at his hand, then takes a deep breath. He calls D’s bet.


Was her outfit cuter than yours?


TK chuckles as he calls the bet.


Nah, I’m in a unisex dress, they’re a thing. BourbCo sells them now. This person was transitioning. I point at her neck and ask if she has an Adam’s apple. She looks confused and says ‘no, my name is Nadya’. I don’t know why she went with a Russian name, but hey, to each their own. I say ‘no, I mean your neck’ and point to my own. She points to her chesticles and laughs, saying she’ll show me if I give her a quarter.


Jimmy burns a card, and we see the river, the King of Spades.


That's like a million dollars down there! So'd you give it to her?...........uuuuuuum, the quarter?


Nah. I did give her a piece of chicken, so she giggled and said ‘Let’s have tequila!’ So we take a shot of tequila each, and that’s when on the stage the donkey comes out along with a very, very wired looking woman. I don’t know what she was getting from the pharmacy, but she was on it. The crowd all pays attention, hooting and hollering, but I’m busy eating chicken with Nadya. That’s when I feel a pinch on my ass.


What?


Were you in a dress then?


D throws a stack of chips in to bet.


Nah! So I turn, swatting at my ass, and my hand makes hard contact.


Bobby raises as TK gives him the side eye.


That’s when I see what I hit. A dwarf had come up and pinched my ass, and I just busted his nose open. I felt mortified, but justified.


Because the midget was coming onto you?


Hell no, I thought he was trying to steal my chicken!


TK called the bet, and D couldn't help but laugh.


I'da hit him too, fuck!


So a group of Greek sailors all stand up, pissed, because the dwarf was with them and in uniform. I look over and realize what I’d done, and think to myself ‘Well, this sucks’. Nadya laughs at the whole of it, and as the Greek sailors start to holler, my buddies all stand up and start to yell back at them! Well, the whole place breaks out in a massive brawl, so I set my chicken down and join in, because I’m not leaving my friends to fight my battles for me or anything like that. Eventually, the police arrive, and they get everything broken up and they start asking questions about who started the bar fight. Of course, everybody points to me and the bloody dwarf I clocked. The Capitan approaches me, and asks why I hit the midget. I explained to him, he grabbed my butt and I thought he was trying to steal my chicken!


D tosses some chips into the pot, calling the bet.


The Captain seemed confused, thinking there was a language barrier, so me and my buddies all get hauled down to the station. Nadya had finished my chicken.


All three men reveal their hands. TK has the King of Hearts and the Five of Hearts. D has the Ace of Spades and the Three of Clubs. Bobby has the Jack of Spades and Jack of Clubs.


Dammit.


Look, I’ll take three Jacks over Kings and Aces!


Better than that Queen that's proppin' 'em up!


Bobby scoops the pot his way.


So we get to the station, and there’s an interpreter, and I explain the story to the captain on duty. He says we’re free to go, but that we’re no longer allowed to come to Tijuana. Funny story, my buddy went back with his wife a few years later, and it was her idea to do the donkey show so she could get a bucket of fried chicken. Apparently, Nadya finished her transition and was dating the owner of the club.


I love how there’s an epilogue to all of that.


Bobby laughs. He tosses in his ante as does TK.


So, fellas, why are we teasing the small potatoes of their team when there’s a white whale worth harpooning?


Bobby I know you like them dummy thicc, but Bobbi London’s big ass isn’t on their squad.


I think he’s talking about Flynn. Why bring him up? I pinned him in the middle of the ring for the Xtreme Championship.


Jimmy distributes two additional cards to each of the players at the Bastardly table. The trio examines their hole cards while B.O.B. D initiates the betting round with an ante. TK opts to check, and Bobby increases the pot with a raise. D, on the other hand, folds his cards, returning them to Jimmy, as TK matches the raise. As the community cards are unveiled, the flop displays an 8 of Clubs, a 10 of Diamonds, and a Jack of Hearts.


You sure did, but do you think he’s really the kitten on their squad or the guy King and Ned are using as a crutch?


I think crutch is an understatement. Do you think those fucking tools would have won War Games without Flynn?


I forgot they were all on the same team this year.


Bobby and TK match each other's bets, prompting Jimmy to reveal a Jack of Clubs.


Because without Flynn, King and Kaye are forgettable. Not just at War Game but here too. King will go off on some tangent about how he’s overlooked even though he beat Kido and got a draw with Corey. Then, Ned will be all like you’re all big meanies, real bad guys. Ned’s biggest accomplishments this year are, he beat Bobby one on one-


Bobby interjects as he places his bet.


Everyone gets lucky every now and then.


A smile adorns TK’s face as he tosses an equal amount of chips to Bobby's. Jimmy flips over a 2 of Diamonds, after burning a card.


He picked a team that won the War Games PPV. Big deal, he didn’t do much. He beat Chris Page at Relentless.


The real question is who can’t beat Page?


D shifts his eyes as Bobby raises the pot. TK doesn't hesitate to match him, leading to them revealing their hands. Bobby damn near flips the table upon seeing TK's Full House of Jacks and 8s.


Goddamn right, D!


Who can’t beat Page? The questions that should be asked, who the fuck can’t beat Ned? I have.


Apparently Isiah King, hence why he started getting cozy with him instead of fighting him!


Seems like King caught a case of 'fear the conqueror' syndrome, just like his little fuck boy buddy Ned Kaye. But unlike King, when I faced Corey, I actually took care of business. King's about to get a taste of that same medicine on November 11th, Weekend Warfare, LIVE from where are we going to be?


TK looks across the table to Bobby. Bobby doesn't know, he looks over at B.O.B. D.


American Airlines Center?


In Dallas?


Yeah.

Fuck that place, just like fuck King in his self-righteous ass. Can we please get back to playing this hand and quit talking about this shit goblin?


TK pounds the table out of frustration. Jimmy quickly gathers up the cards, takes opening bets, and passes everybody their hole cards.


Who the fuck can’t beat Isaiah? I have. Who the fuck can’t beat Mark?


Doc.


Most everybody.


Most. I have.


Godamn, right you have for the Universal Championship at that!


As he acts like he's polishing his Universal Championship, TK casually tosses his cards to Jimmy, signaling his decision to fold.


So let’s talk points to prove, shall we old boy? Because the track record shows one thing. Flynn’s fear, however, just doesn’t.


Where’s the respect?


Where’s the acknowledgment?


Bobby initiates a raise, which prompts D to make a call, and then Jimmy exposes the river cards, unveiling a 2 and a 4 of Hearts, accompanied by an Ace of Spades. After a series of raising back and forth, the two players eventually agree on a substantial bet.


You denied us our moment. Thing is… You never get yours now. Even though you have that instant championship opportunity. Even though you aren’t a champion here, now.


I don’t need a case like I’ve said from day one!

I don’t need a case either.


………..I'd like a case.


But you don’t need one.


Bobby shakes his head, even more erratically than Mark had ever hoped. At the moment Jimmy uncovers the turn card, a King of Spades.


I.


Bobby checks.


Never.


D raises.


Have.


Bobby calls.


I put up a bauble at Relentless that most of you laud.


Bobby cracks his neck as Jimmy turns a 7 of Hearts onto the table.


I represent the XWF. Not its championships. Not it’s squabbles. Humbly and with great magnitude, I represent the expansion of the XWF. And I see a time to CONQUER. Weekend Warfare?


Ride.

Or.


Die.


Bobby pushes all of his chips toward the center of the table, causing D's eyes to widen.


We…


Bobby gestures towards B.O.B. D and TK.



We represent the XWF.



Fucking right we do! BOB D the Xtreme Champ! ‘Ol Thunder Knuckles, Universal Anarchy Champion, and Bobby Bourbon Champion of Violence!

And what do THEY represent? Ned Kaye destroyer of self-esteem. Isiah King, a side character to a side character. Then there's  Mark Flynn the guy who struggles to do anything on his own. Hell, he's probably the one who asked for this match in the first place!


B.O.B. D gives his cards a final look before abruptly tossing them in Jimmy's direction, his annoyance evident.


No shit! First, it was NK now it’s Ned Kaye. What’s with this guy and K’s? Now he’s got King. Pfft. We might as well call him Mark “KKK” Flynn.


That just sounds racist.


Bobby slides his newly won pile towards himself, a sly smirk on his face receiving a one fingered salute from D in response. Bobby chortles as TK nonchalantly shrugs, much like Warstein in a rehab center.


I'm not the one who asked him to have a fucking tell!


Jimmy collects their cards, the remnants of this high-stakes showdown, and proceeds to shuffle the deck once more. The camera captures the moment perfectly, fading out, as the tension in the room gradually dissipates. However, the anticipation for the next hand lingers in the air, promising more of the Bastardly trio talking their smack in this den of sin.