Previously on… After being slighted by Roxy Cotton as ‘the worst chef in the entire world’, XWF Television Champion Angelica Vaughn chose to participate in the latest season of Celebrity Masterchef. Not everything went according to plan, however, as her dish finished dead last in round 1. Angelica will have one more chance to redeem herself before the first elimination, but she has already made sure that she *will* impress Gordon Ramsay no matter what, whether it’s in the ring or in the kitchen… or both. Angelica declared her upcoming title defense against Noah Jackson the first ever ‘Gordon Ramsay Scrambled Egg’ match.

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All Masterchef Celebrity candidates are lined up in front of judges Gordon Ramsay and Joe Bastianich. Angelica Vaughn, Aaron Rodgers, Bill Burr, Megan Thee Stallion and Penn Jillette are all clad in their chef’s jackets. Unsurprisingly, Rodgers looks mighty pleased with himself, while Angelica is fiddling with her own fingers in a display of nervosity.

The show’s narrator takes it from there.

”Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers won the first round, with his signature cheese soufflé dish impressing both Chef Ramsay and Chef Joe; while Angelica’s uncooked monstrosity was labelled a veritable health hazard. The second round will be the last one before the first elimination, and all wannabe celebrity masterchefs think they have what it takes.”

We flash back to prerecorded segments.

Aaron Rodgers: "I was really happy to win that first round, man. I guess you could say I was ‘immunized’ from defeat after I owned all of the rest of the candidates. I’ve always been against putting poison in your body, whether it’s vaccines or… actual poison… so it felt good to know that I put some quality on the table."

Bill Burr: "Ehh, what’re you gonna do, you know? Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. I just hope they won’t make us dress up in the most effeminate color they can find and turn this whole thing into something about breast cancer awareness. People just wanna watch a damn cooking show, man, can you just let them relax and not bombard them with feelings of existential dread, I mean JESUS!"

Penn Jillette: "I could’ve probably swapped Aaron’s dish with mine before anyone noticed, but that would be cheating. Of course, in magic you cheat all the time, you’re cheating the senses and the audience. But cooking isn’t magic, although I do think this second test will be more up my alley."

Megan Thee Stallion: "Yo, that was some boo-shit! A stupid ass cheese soufflé? Over my biscuits? Chef Ramsay must hate that soul food and prefer boring, bland ass white dishes. But I’m gonna blow the rest of these bitches out of the water in round 2, best believe!"

Angelica Vaughn: ”I think I can bounce back, y’ano! I know my first round effort was subpar, but I think I learned a lot! Like, use water when you cook something! It sounds so simple, when you put it like that! Lots of things do, obvs. Like ‘just go beat Noah Jackson and retain your TV title’, like… Simple, right? Well, NOBVS! Because Noah’s a biter and a fighter, and one tough cookie! Ooh, you think we’ll get to make cookies? How do you make cookies? Oh, I’m supposed to know that?? This stuff is hard!"

The camera finally cuts back to the present, and it’s Joe Bastianich who addresses the lined up challengers.

Joe Bastianich "Congratulations again to Aaron for winning the opening round. But it’s only going to get harder from here. The next thing we’ll be testing is your palate."

Chef Ramsay rolls out a small table with a covered dish.

Gordon Ramsey: "Earlier today I prepared this lovely, beautiful dish. It’s up to all of you to taste it, identify the ingredients, and then recreate it as best you can. From protein to garnish."

Gordon lifts the dish’s cover.

”Gordon prepared a seafood ramen with red coconut curry broth. The competitors will have to identify proteins like crab and shrimp and chicken broth; whilst also recognizing garlic, ginger, baby bok choy and more. The egg on top seems like a gimme.”

We cut to the competitors who are all trying the dish and identifying some of the ingredients.

Aaron Rodgers: "This is a setup! I told everybody I can’t taste anything because of long Covid and now we’re supposed to do a taste test? I’m not saying I smell a conspiracy, because my sense of smell is also gone, but I know a conspiracy when I see one!"

Bill Burr: "They’re giving this to a 50 year old bald redhead, and they think I won’t be able to identify ginger anymore? Come on man."

Penn Jillette: "Crabs… Takes me back to my college days. Teller and I once made a whole seafood banquet disappear. Wait, what did you think I meant?"

Megan Thee Stallion: "Oh that’s chicken broth for sure. Goes well with the seafood I guess. No idea what that veggie is, but I sure ain’t ever put it in my collard greens."

Angelica Vaughn: ”That’s definitely meat and spaghetti with eggs! Oh, and coconut! I recognize that flavor anywhere, it’s like my fave pizza topping ever. Shame this bowl of spaghetti doesn’t have pineapple either, that’s like my 2nd favorite topping ever!"

But from a distance, chefs Ramsey and Bastianich overhear Angelica, and they shake their head.

Gordon Ramsey: "Bowl of fucking spaghetti?"

Joe Bastianich "If she puts pineapple in this I will attack her with the nearest kitchen knife."

”With only one hour to recreate a complicated ramen dish, the competitors scurry off to the pantry to gather their ingredients. However, some are once again having more trouble than others.”

Angelica Vaughn: ”Wh-where is the linguine? And I can’t find the octopus either? I only have a coconut and an egg! Was that stuff kale? Come on, how am I possibly supposed to know what all of that was?? Was the red stuff blood? Where am I supposed to find that?"

But time is ticking mercilessly, and as the other competitors get to prepping and cooking, Angelica seems more concerned with getting the coconut open.

Angelica Vaughn: ”Hey, check this out! This is the way I’ve always done it! KYAAARGH!"

Holding a coconut in her hand, Angelica hits it with an elbow strike that lands like such a hammer blow the coconut explodes and bits of shell and coconut flesh and coconut water scatter all over the studio.

Gordon Ramsey: "Oh for fuck sake! Angelica, sweetheart, clean this mess up!"

Angelica Vaughn: ”But I don’t have time for that! And I need to get another coconut open, because I can’t do anything with this one! Wait, what do you mean, there are none left? Noes! That is SO unfair!"

”As Angelica grabs a bucket and a mop to clean up her mess, the others seem to be on a roll.”

Joe Bastianich "At least all the others have correctly identified the proteins. Megan’s chicken broth is looking adequate, but Aaron’s forgetting to scrape the scum off the top. That’s going to look dirty."

We cut back to Angelica, who is ranting and raving as she’s still cleaning bits of coconut off the floor.

Angelica Vaughn: ”You know, usually I find cleaning relaxing, but not today! Today I thought I was going to make another stride towards being the greatest chef the world has ever seen, and I’m going to need to be, if I want to beat Noah in our Scrambled Eggs match! Cooking is a lot like wrestling, I suppose. It’s you vs. an opponent: the ingredients. And in order to win, you have to conquer them. Look, I know it’s not the best or deepest analogy, but you could say that both Noah and I will be fighting two different opponents next weekend: ourselves and the food. It’s going to be an interesting watch, for sure!"

”It seems like Angelica will be facing severe time constraints, while the others seem to already be in the process of plating. Penn even has his whole dish finished already, and it eerily looks like the exact same that Gordon made.”

Penn Jillette: "Pretty sure I’ll win this round. How did I manage to make this dish so quickly, and have it look exactly like Gordon’s? A magician never reveals his tricks. Well, that’s not true, but good luck beating this!"

Megan Thee Stallion: "White men cheating… What a damn surprise."

Angelica Vaughn: ”Finally, I can get started! Where’s the rest of my ingredients?? I can only find my egg. Mister Jillette, did you make them disappear? Now what do I do??"

”It looks like Angelica will be facing a disaster yet again, and as the time ticks down, Gordon makes the call.”

Gordon Ramsey: "…4….3….2….1! Hands up! Everybody step forward, please!"

The competitors do so, and they line up with their dishes, ready to show them to their judges.

Gordon Ramsey: "Alright, first up… Angelica, sweetheart."

Angelica Vaughn: ”Why do I always have to go first? I’m being picked on!"

Joe Bastianich "Because we have a pretty good idea where this is going. Where is your dish?"

Angelica showed them an egg, in its shell.

Gordon Ramsey: "What the fuck is this?"

Angelica Vaughn: ”I didn’t have time to make anything else, so I just made the egg that was on top of the thing! You made me clean half the time!"

Joe Bastianich "Tell me why we shouldn’t just kick you off right now."

Angelica Vaughn: ”Look, just taste the egg at least! This time I used water, like you taught me!"

The judges sigh and look at each other. Chef Gordon shrugs and cracks the, presumably boiled, egg open… just to see its contents, whites and yolks and all, dripping down on to the floor. Gordon’s face gets all red and puffy.

Gordon Ramsey: "It’s…. FUCKING…. RAWWW!!"

Angelica Vaughn: ”…now that I think about it, I might have forgotten to heat the water up…"

Gordon Ramsey: "Well, I think you just made this real easy for us. Angelica Vaughn, no matter what the others put out here tonight, you are unequivocally, and without a shadow of a doubt in my mind, the absolute worst fucking chef on this planet."

Joe Bastianich "It’s a good thing you have people to cook for you, or you’d die from poisoning yourself within a week. I’m going to have to ask you to hand in your chef’s jacket, because you are about as worthy to wear one, as Donald Trump deserves to sit in the Oval Office."

Aaron Rodgers: "Stop the steal! Where did all those votes go though, huh? And where did the others come from?? Can ANYONE in this room explain that?"

Angelica sighs and takes off her jacket, handing it over to Chef Joe.

Angelica Vaughn: ”For the record, I think you are a very rude person! You’re supposed to lift others up, not kick them while they’re down! You saw I need help, but all you did was moan and judge and make fun of me! That’s not what great leaders do! That’s not what kind people do! You have me zero instructions, no tips for me on how to get better! I wanted to learn from this, but all I really learned is that I want to beat up Noah Jackson so badly right now, and make Chef Ramsey such a fantastic scrambled eggs dish that everybody will be blown away and I’ll still be the XWF TV Champ! Oh, and Megan Thee Stallion, I am such a huge fan!"

Angelica skips off, and we cut to her one final time as she gives her thoughts on the competition when she is already outside, ready to get in an Uber and leave.

Angelica Vaughn: ”Look, do I think I could’ve done better? Sure! But I won’t let this failure get the better of me. All this means is I’ll have to work even harder to get good at this. I’m going to train, take lessons, and through many ups and downs I’m sure I will progress incrementally. Because cooking is a lot like wrestling. You need to know when to strike, you need to know what fights to pick, you need to know how to let every move you make be significant, and flow over into the next until you have a beautifully choreographed ensemble.

This just motivates me to work even harder. There’s no shame in failing, as long as you learn from your mistakes. I fully intend to. So come and watch me next Weekend Warfare, where I will show everybody how great I’ve become at not just defending my title, but making eggs! I have zero idea how good of a cook Noah even is, but I hope he’s better at it than he is at hiding the fact he secretly adores kitties a ton. Which, like, why would you hide that, Noah? It might be your most redeeming quality. Well, toodles for now!"

”And thus, Celebrity Masterchef knows its first departure. But one thing’s for sure: the world hasn’t seen the last of Angelica Vaughn just yet.”