It won't take me more than two minutes to break your candyass in half, Blondie. I told you not to do this: I told you not to waste your time trying to go blow-for-blow with the XWF's #1 blow aficionado. You should've taken a different route, but you couldn't, because your mouth works faster than your brain. Now you will suffer for it.

Blondie and I only have one thing in common: I can impose a ceiling on BOTH of us! Blondie wants to throw stones from his glass house, talking about my ceiling, when he's never even left his floor. If he thinks he doesn't have a ceiling it's only because he's never been asked to rise to the occasion. Until now: until he was asked to stop The Nickleman from taking the Bastard's throne for his own!

Blondie's about to learn real fucking fast exactly what MY CEILING feels like, when it comes collapsing down on top of him! Blondie won't have what it takes to crawl away victorious, because even Blondie said that the biggest threat to Charlie Nickles is himself. None of the blonde cunts in this tournament are a threat to me: I'm going to become the Mad King, whether they like it or not!

A man who doesn’t get his house in order before he criticizes the world leaves himself vulnerable….and a man who quotes Jordan Peterson before a wrestling match is bound to get his ass whooped! Trust me on this one, Blondie, because I've actually met that pill-popping son of a bitch! You can ask Veruca Lack, because Gary Stu told me she's the one who got that promo pulled off the airwaves! But don't you worry your little head about it, Blondie, because I've got a plan to get back at her..…I just need to get through you, Thaddeus, and then Noah Jackson to make it happen!

You said today you're a gambler, Blondie? That's cute, but you should know the house always wins. So when you choose to gamble with your career against the livin' n' breathin' foundation of the XWF, well fuck, it should be obvious what's about to happen! You should've folded your hand when you saw the first round draw, but now that you didn't, I'm going to have to FOLD your skinny little body in half!

And really, you and Hank need to quit fucking around online, that shit makes for horrible television. Did you really put MY Twitter fans in your promo? What….couldn't find any fans of your own? And I can't believe they leased you an XWF camera for that cringe-ass Nicklebaby shit. You boring fucking loser, no wonder you have no fans: KidzBop commercials are more entertaining than the bullshit you're putting on people's screens!

You want to see what real quality, award-winning TV looks like? Then watch on, you sick little cunts, because you might just learn a thing or two…….






Toxic fumes roll across the sky of our Otherworldly town, coalescing into green clouds as they're pumped out of the bustling madness factory. Workers dressed in hazmat suits are hauling crates of Wonka chocolate bars away from the loading docks and onto semi truck trailers. Hundreds of destitute masses huddle around the gates of the factory, begging for a chance to get inside.

As the camera pans out we see that the slums encircling the factory are engrossed by that same dirty fog, but the townsfolk don't seem to mind. We see business in this town being conducted as usual, with beggars and prostitutes lining every corner. The free market is truly alive here, in this tiny nook of the universe.

"The first Golden Ticket has been found!"

A little midget boy comes running out of the fog holding up the daily newspaper.

"Only 4 tickets remain!"

The women fainted and the children cried as the tiny town crier called out the horrible news. 20% of the Golden Tickets were already gone!

"Who has it! Who has the ticket!"

The crowd clamored to know.

"The first ticket was discovered by Thaddeus Beuragade!"

"NOOOOOOO!"

The huddled masses screamed with unwashed anguish. Charlie Nickles cocked his head to the side as he watched the Madness unfold, much like a cocker spaniel would. His "Uncle", Gary Stu, buried his head in his hands as he joined the collective outcry.

"I can't believe the tickets are being found so fast! If we don't get our hands on a golden ticket soon, we'll be screwed!"

"So these Golden Tickets are part of the contest?"

"CHAWLEY what's happened to you? Since you woke up you can't remember anything!"

The Nickleman shrugs, knowing full well that this entire scenario is either the result of a drug induced delusion or some metaphysical machinations….either way, he's been through this enough to know he's just along for the ride!

"Well your Aunty Mary Sue will know what to do to make you make sense again…her shop is around here somewhere!"

"Her what?"

Nickles and Stu round a corner and head into a smog filled marketplace. There's various drug dealers and pimps hanging around, showing off their various wares. Drugs you've never even heard of and women you'd never, ever fuck are being offered up on the cheap to the ever-destitute consumers.

"Her self-insert shop!"

Charlie raises a skeptical eyebrow as he looks around this fantastical redlight district. He sees someone in the far corner selling a muzzled puppy to a starving man, and Charlie shudders at the implication before turning back to Gary.

"So what's she sell?"

"Mary Sue doesn't sell much to be honest, or else we'd have way more money!"

"But what's in her shop?"

The pair pause as they reach a map stand. Gary looks at it before finding their place, checking the index, and then locating the self-insert shop. He starts walking off in that direction as Charlie follows close behind.

"I don't actually know what she sells at her self-insert shop, she always tells me to never come around when she's working, she says I'll ruin the vibe or something…."

Nickles and Stu round another corner that leads into a cul-de-sac full of brothels, candy shops, and liquor stores. All the candy shops are empty and have 'closed' signs on them, for some strange reason.

"But she said to tell her when you woke up, so I figured they canceled out and we can go see her! I haven't seen her all day, she must be working so hard!"

The Nickleman squinted at Gary Stu with suspicion. Charlie knew what it was like to be head over heels in love with a woman: and from Charlie's experience, it always ended in heartbreak and disaster. The Nickleman thought about voicing these thoughts, but decided not to: because maybe, just maybe, there really is some good in the universe…and maybe true love can exist, at least for Gary and Mary, in this absurdist Otherworld.

"So….tell me more about this Madness factory contest everyone is going so crazy about…"

"Oh CHAWLEY, it's just the most exciting thing to ever happen here! The great Vinnie Wonka, the most intelligent and innovative inventor of all time, is showing all us little guys that we can be KINGS, too! He's going to make someone the new King of the Madness Factory, and when you're a KING, no one can tell you anything! 5 lickyy people will find golden tickets inside their Wonka bars, and then those 5 people will all get a chance to become the next King of Madness! Everyone has equal opportunity in this contest. All it takes to win is a little bit of luck and a whole lot of chocolate bars!"

The Nickleman rolled his eyes with dismissive disbelief.

"Sounds like only the rich pricks have a chance. The universe isn't going to see us and single us out for special treatment. Buy a chocolate bar in hopes of getting a golden ticket and all you'll get is a chocolate bar and a bellyful of disappointment….if you want anything in this universe, Gary, you have to TAKE IT! You can't just play by the rules and wait.

Besides, it looks like all the candy stores are already closed…."

Gary looks at the vacant candy shops and sighs.

"That spoiled child, Veruca Lack, had her father buy up all the chocolate bars this morning! I hate her daddy Theo so very much, because all he ever does is spoil that ungrateful and undeserving ingrate…..but if you're right, CHAWLEY, she will probably get her ticket soon…"

As Gary and Charlie chitchat in the redlight district, we see another small midget child running down the street holding an updated daily newspaper.

"Breaking news! Breaking news! The second and third golden tickets have been found!"

The crowd gasped in horror as the town crier broke the news.

"Who won the tickets?!??"

"Augustus BOB and Mike Jacksoff!"

Gary turns to Charlie with immense concern as the town crier runs past.

"Damn it! Veruca Lack almost definitely has the fourth ticket, and that means there's probably only one ticket left CHAWLEY! Oh no! We need to find  Mary Sue because only she will know what to do!"

Charlie looks around and notices that they are now standing directly in front of a building with a large neon sign reading 'Insert Yourself Shop! Legs Open 24/7!'.

"Well…it looks like we're at the self-insert shop, and say, isn't this just a whorehou-"

Gary isn't listening, because he's already leaned back against a wall in the alley taking a drag off a soggy Marlboro light cigarette he found on the ground.

"This contest is so stressful! I need a cigarette break….go tell your Aunty you woke up! Tell her I'll be up in a minute, I just needs few more wet drags of the good stuff!"

Charlie looks between Gary and the whorehouse.

"And what was it you said Mary sold?"

"I don't know, she won't tell me! Just go in and tell her I'll be right there.."

Gary takes another drag as The Nickleman shrugs and pushes open the door into the self-insert shop. It's clearly just a brothel from the jump. The lamentations of the working women and the pleasured groans of the paying clientele were all Charlie needed to hear to know what was being 'sold' here. The Nickleman just shook his head in disgust before slamming that door shut forcefully, turning his back on the obscenely obnoxious conduct occurring on the other side.

"Wait, CHAWLEY, what are you doing back out here? Did you see Mary Sue?"

Charlie looked over to Gary with a frown. He knew that if he told Gary what he saw it would break his heart, but he also knew that Gary didn't deserve to live a lie: even if that lie made life more convenient. The old Charlie would have lambasted this cuckold for marrying a cheap whore, but The Nickleman was trying to be a better man…but at moments like this, he simply didn't know how.

So he, too, chose the most convenient lie.

"She uh…she said she's working really hard and can't take a break right now, but she DID tell me how we can get our hands on a golden ticket…."

The Nickleman grinned with devious intent as Gary finished off someone else's soggy cigarette.

"Did she give you some money to buy Wonka bars when the shops open back up?!"

"Even better….she said all we have to do is take one from somebody else."

"Hmm…I suppose that is the more practical and affordable option! Oh my darling Mary Sue, she always comes up with the best ideas!"

Nickles cringed as he fed more fuel to this man's romantic delusions, but what's done is done, and The Nickleman was really starting to yearn for one of those golden tickets he's heard so much about….

"Now come on, because those golden tickets aren't going to steal themselves! One way or another, we'll get em'!"