The college cafeteria was usually the place to be during any kind of social gathering or event. After all, the college wasn’t exactly Harvard. The cafeteria was, perhaps other than the gymnasium, the biggest open space on campus and thus had functioned in the past as ballroom, party place, museum, wrestling arena, and much more.

Today, it was hosting a tournament of a peculiar kind. Tables were set up in straight rows, each of them separate, allowing space for two people to sit across from each other. At the far end of the room, against the wall, was a small podium next to some tables with non-crunchy snacks and non-fizzy drinks. There were plenty of people gathered around the podium, even a small media crew from the school paper and TV channel, and of course the obligatory XWF and CTN media presence.

The school’s Dean, mister Henderson, a tiny bald bespectacled man who wore a shirt that always seemed three sizes too big, hopped up on stage and tapped the microphone, sending screeching feedback noises throughout the room.

”Ahem! May I have your attention, puh-leeeze! As you all know, our very serious school, which offers a curriculum for people from all walks of life, from the privileged to the under-pr…”

*GET ON WITH IT*

”Fine, fine! It is our great honor to be hosting the very first official tournament of the world’s most anticipated sequel to the world’s most classic game, ever! And we owe it all to none other than our very own celebrity student, president of the Kappa Alpha Taus, XWF Tag Team Champion and Quarterback of the Cincinnati Hitgirls! …even though she didn’t want to play for the school team, rude… Anyway, give it up for Angelica Vaughn, everybody!”

Angelica hopped up on the podium and went to shake the dean’s hand, towering above him yet looking anything but intimidating. She was wearing a classy dress that left a lot to the imagination, save the open back. She got a wonderful reception from the students, whose ages ranged from 18 to 98 and she happily, and enthusiastically, gave them a wave.

”Hi-hiiii~! Good to see you, my friends! First of all, I’d like to thank Dean Henderson for giving me this opportunity to showcase our newest project! I’d also like to thanks Circle TV Network for helping me set this up. Couldn’t have done it without you guys! And I’d like to thanks my Cincy Hitgirl teammate CODA for helping me playtest and perfect this thing! Now, what *is* this thing, I hear you ask? Well, as you all know, history has known many great games of strategy. The greatest strategists are often also the greatest warlords! Like, Jules Caesar, Sun Tsoo, Genghis Caine,…”

A few feet away, Angelica’s history teacher’s eyes turned to slits.

”But strategy is never to be underestimated, whether you’re fighting a war of attrition, whether you’re on a legit battlefield, or whether you’re fighting one on one! And, obvs, strategy is paramount during a tournament. After this tournament, I’ll get started on another one called March Madness. Now that my sis and I won the tag tea championships even though everybody was apparently rooting against us for some reason, it’s time for me to once again show the world that I can get it done on my own. And I’ll get a chance to face off against a rather promising rookie, buuuuut… Let’s just say he doesn’t seem to be the best strategist in the biz just yet. Talking about John Grayson obvs.”

A few boos started to be thrown around the place, but Angelica shushed them down.

”Now now, I know what ti’s like to come into a business like wrestling and be in over your head, having no clue what to do first, what to do next, and prioritize properly. But John Grayson had better take this seriously, because I’m not going into March Madness to pad the brackets! I’m going into Madness to face my sister in the final, and beat her! So we can have a good old Tag Team Champion showdown! N-E-Ways, John Grayson had better be careful, or he’ll go down the path of another John …-son I’ve had the errr, pleasure of knowing. Sheesh, sees like I’m getting all of the johnsons lately. My point being, obvs, that they’re rather green; and talented, but lacking focus and resolve. Because talent alone will get you nowhere. Hard work will get you everywhere. A combination of the two? That gets you to the top, and lets you stay at the top. So Johnny had better get his priorities straight and take this seriously. And take me totes seriously!

But now that I’ve done my share for the cameras of our friendly XWF crew over there, we can move on to the reason why all of us have gathered here today. It’s to join tradition and innovation in holy matrimony. So please, allow me to unveil a CTN and STA Kitty Café collab…”

Angelica reached for a rope that was hanging from the ceiling. It was tied to a covered panel. As she pulled it, it revealed what everyone had been waiting for.


”Cat Chess! The greatest innovation since Alexander Graham Bell thought to himself: ‘this can on a string thing is a bit of a hassle’.”

A rapturous applause broke loose, as rapturous as fifity people could get anyway, and Angelica was blinded by the flash photography of the present media. And yes, it only takes one flash to blind a person, technically speaking. The only one who didn’t seem very enthusiastic was Kenzi Grey, standing in the front row. She rolled her eyes and wondered why she even had to be here. Angelica had asked Sarah to come as well, but her sister had no intention of making a mockery out of the world’s purest game, or whatever her reasons for being grumpy were this time.

”Now, this isn’t the game of chess your grandpa used to play, or the kind you’d see featured in a Centurion promotional video. No, this one features a new piece! Other than the Knight, Rook, Bishop, Queen and King, one pawn will be replaced by a Cat! Why cats? Because, unlike Noah Jackson would want you to believe, kitties are the greatest, fiercest, cutest, most darling creatures on the planet, and they’ve been around much longer than axshal chess has! So, it’s time, I think… N-E-Ways, the rules are VERY simple!”

Quote:Disclaimer: the rules are not that simple, but rather than have Angelica try and explain them, here’s a small breakdown:
-A Cat Piece can only move in a spiral, as if it’s chasing its own tail
-A Cat is immune to a Queen’s hits (too fast). A Cat Piece CAN knock off a Queen’s crowd, reducing her to a pawn. But that pawn, and only that pawn, can get Queen status back if it takes the Cat on the very next turn.
-A Rook can take its own color’s Cat piece to take a nap inside its tower structure. The Cat is taken off the board and put back in the first available back row.
-Cats can’t take Bishops, because bishops persecuted cats during the days of the black plague. Bishops can phase through cats, but then die 2 turns later.
-If a Cat piece falls, any 2 pieces other than a pawn can sacrifice themselves to bring back 1 Cat. Those new Cats start on the King's starting place. If the King still occupies that place, no Cat is brought back, but the King can move 1 spot, and the Bishop gets a free turn.

Still with me? Great!

”So as you can see, these rules are clear, obvious, logical and straightforward! We’ve made cheat sheets for everybody so they can have a gander while we set up the first ever Chess 2: Knights of the Nine Lives tournament!”

"This is stupid! What’s next, Chess 3: Drunk Ang with the Nine Livers?”

”Hush, Kenz! Okies, everybodies! Draw a number or however it works, take a seat, and let’s get this party started! And if you’re wondering what the prize is for winning…”

Many things in life need more cow bell, and this tournament was no exception. A cow bell rang as soon as Angelica clapped her hands. A cow came strolling in the cafeteria, and Angelica hopped off the podium before giving it a hug.

”This is my cow, Bella! She’s the official mascot of the Cat Chess Tournament because sers Bobby and Alex were unavailable as they’re having a caticure and getting their claws done. The winner of the tournament gets a lifetime supply of STA bottled milk, a selfie opportunity with Bella, a totes free version of the boardgame, and a front row ticket to the March Madness Pay Per View event! Let’s goooo!”

As everybody made their way to The Wheel, praise be, borrowed from the XWF Corporate Offices, match-ups were made on the fly. Angelica herself got paired against a girl she knew from her pottery class, but it didn’t take long before she took her King by cleverly spiralling around the defending pawn with her Cat.

In the next match, Angelica got herself in prime position by having her bishop phase through a Cat and immediately mating. It was on to the semis already!

And in those semis, Angelica sound found herself in a precarious position, but managed to sacrifice her Queen by turning it into a Pawn after a Cat hit, giving her Rook ample time to trap the opponent’s King.

And then it was on to the final, where she was facing off against none other than…

”KENZ! But I thought you thought this was, like, silly as flame!”

"All’s I cares about is winning. And I been playin’ chess since before you were born! Now sit your butt down, ‘cause this ain’t no game!”

”Sheesh, fine, you’re scary when you get competitive, you know that?”

Angelica and Kenzi took a seat at the final table, and it wasn’t long before Kenzi was on the defensive. Kenzi had to hide her Cat in the Rook to bring it back down the board, seeing as Angelica’s Knight was wreaking havoc on her pawns, and was about to take her Queen, which would lead to a mate. Angelica grinned.

”Well, stepsis? How are you going to hustle your way out of this one?”

"Hustle, huh? You did not just say that to me.”

”Errrr….”

"I’m just playin’! But now I’m getting’ serious.”

But instead, Angelica’s Bishop managed to take Kenzi’s Cat that she had just moved back down.

”You know, you CAN forfeit…”

"And your trash talk is as lame as ever. ‘Cause you just walked into my trap.”

Kenzi sacrificed her two remaining pawns to bring her Cat back. With her King still occupying its original spot, her King moved out of a potential mate situation, and her Bishop got a free turn, mating Angelica’s King straight away. Angie gasped in horror.

"Catmate! BOOM!”

The whole place erupted into an applause as Kenzi had beaten Angie at her own game. Even Angelica herself applauded enthusiastically.

”Wowzers! First you win at Bingo, then you win at Cat Chess! You’re on a roll! I hope I’ll be like that come March Madness. And that means you get prizes!”

Angelica dragged Kenzi over to the cow for a selfie.

”Congratulations, Kenz! Or as Bella would say: congrudderlactations!”

"This cow stinks!”

”Well, you’ll be getting a lifetime supply of her milk, regardless! And you’ll be going home with your own version of the boardgame, and front row tix to March Madness.”

"But I got box seats…”

”Whatevs! Then donate them to charity.”

Angelica smiled brightly as she turned to the CTN and XWF cameras.

”Thankies muchly for being here with me on this historic night! See you next week!”

-fin-

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//Many thanks to CTN for that SWEET graphic!