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Stevie Tyler · **07-12-2013, 06:13 AM**

Or, How He Met My Mother

Stevie woke up feeling miserable after his ill-fated date with Julie. He slept until noon and then felt even worse because he told his mom he'd be over to see her at 12:30. He still hadn't bought her a gift and it was her 47th birthday. What do you even buy someone on their 47th? It's not a milestone or anything. Stevie wasn't even sure if he should get her anything. He hadn't really until now, so it would be weird. I mean, if he doesn't, it just follows the plan. If he does get her a gift, then it really makes him look like a jerk for the past 47 years.

He decides to get up and call her to let her know he's running late. He gets dressed...sloppily. Maroon polo shirt that he pulled from the bottom of his closet. It took him several minutes to dig it out from under his work vest, old comic books, and random, crumpled pieces of important paperwork. Lease agreements and what-have-you. He tucks that into a dirty pair of jeans he's worn without washing for 2 months and tops the whole package with a Social Distortion baseball cap.

The drive to the store is uneventful, save for a guy trying to merge into his lane on top of him. He never understood why people couldn't see a lumbering '98 Econoline heading down the road, but this happened on a daily basis. "In the age-old battle of van vs. sedan, van will always be the victor." He had posted that on his Facebook wall a few weeks ago when he was involved in a hit and run with basically the same situation described above. The sedan's door back driver's door was totaled, and his front-end alignment issue seemed to be resolved.

Upon pulling up the Wal-Mart he worked at, he didn't notice that Julie's car was in the parking lot. If he had, he would have gone to one of the other 8 or so in his city. He walks in, avoiding most of his coworkers, and heads straight for the jewelry. He finds a very exquisite $12 necklace with a dolphin pendant and thinks this is perfect. Then he sees her.

Julie, the one he had been in love with for years and had finally taken on a date the night before because the demon possessing him had the balls to take her out. The one that had seen what was in him, and didn't flinch, even though she remembers nothing. The one that, once he had the chance to start the date over again, he had spectacularly vomited all over her, was in front of him. Disgusted.

He stammers, "Heh...Hey, Julie."

"Just because we're in eyesight of each other doesn't mean you get to talk to me," she said like a cold-hearted shebeast.

"I'm really sorry about last night. I just get...," he tries to explain. How could he? No one will believe a wrestling demon has taken up residence in you. She probably didn't want to hear it, anyway. Most women wouldn't.

"I don't want to hear your excuses. You could've turned your head instead of puking on me. You had just eaten the gelatin, too. I mean, I had to walk all the way back to the general store with it all over me. You're disgusting," she said, breaking Stevie's heart.

Stevie got defensive, "Yeah? Well, YOU knocked at a doorbell! Who even does that!?" How would he have even known that's where she was knocking?

"That's stupid and you're immature. I really wanted to like you, Stevie. But you're just a kid in a grown man's body. If you see me working at Hot Topic again, don't come in, please," she said while wearing her t-shirt with a unicorn riding a skateboard, and absolutely missing every ounce of irony in her tirade.

So many ounces of irony. Probably several cups.

She storms off, and Stevie makes his purchase.

After about a 30 minute drive, he pulls himself into his parent's driveway. The first thing he sees is a new bumper-sticker on his dad's truck that reads GOD DOESN'T BELIEVE IN ATHEISTS, which is dumb because A) What's the purpose there? To win over an atheist? It seems like that would just drive them further away and B) What is God? An angry 12 year old? Oh, he doesn't believe in ME? I'll show him! I don't believe in him, either! HA! Suck it, atheist! Also, it's clear that atheists exist...Too much. The sticker is dumb is what I'm getting at.

Stevie had considered himself an atheist before becoming possessed, but was now completely unsure of everything, and still didn't care that much. He'd seen Hell, and, if that is where sinners and atheists go, it didn't seem much different. Except, Wednesday, he had seen a man with a dog-face walking a dog with a man-face.

He knocked on the door (santos) and was greeted by his mother wearing one of those Jesus Christ-imposter shirts that trick you into thinking their a fan of Reese's peanutbutter cups but SURPRISE it's JESUS: SWEET SAVIOR. Stevie imagined a peanutbuttery, chocolate Jesus would be delicious. Or was it Gary? He's not entirely sure which thoughts are his own anymore.

Before he could finish yelling, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" to his mother, her hellhound of a chihuahua came barking at him for just a moment before running away. That's odd. Usually Randy Travis pees on him at first sight in a show of dominance and then begs for food. He was now hiding under the kitchen table.

"Sorry I'm late, mom. I got you something." He holds out the necklace and she cringes.

"Oh...OHHHHHhhhh! How NICE," she says with dripping insincerity. She takes the unwrapped gift with the $12 price tag Stevie notices way too late still attached and puts it in a drawer in the hallway. It's so weird coming back to this house and seeing all the Faded Glory-style americana plastered all over the walls. Weird that it seemed normal while he was growing up.

"Come on in and sit down for some cake, dollie." Why did she still insist on calling him that? He'd be sure she'd wanted a girl, if he wasn't already sure he was a mistake.

"So, I saw you were on TV. What made you decided to be a wrestler?" she says as she cuts a slice of moist, red velvet cake. The lack of approval could be hear all over her inflection.

"I don't really. Not at all. It's this thing...," Stevie stops himself before accidentally letting the demon out of the bag. "Why did you name me after Steven Tyler?" he asks, changing the subject to something he had wondered about since he played Revolution X for the first time as a kid.

His mother tenses up. "Well, son, when I was younger I was into a lot of things a good Christian woman ought not be into. Steven Tyler was a gorgeous man and those pants...," Stevie blocked out the rest. Maybe it was Gary doing him another favor. Stevie did not want to know that his mom named him after a big-lipped monster that she wanted to get boned by.

"...and that's when I met your dad, even though I don't even remember it," she finishes. Suddenly, Randy Travis comes from under the table and bites Stevie's leg. Pain shoots straight up his spine like he's never felt before. He screams and notices the dogs red eyes. He knew it. That dog IS a hellhound!

Stevie foams at the mouth, and, at first, his mother thinks he's just gotten rabies. Until Stevie speaks...Well, Gary through Stevie, but that should be clear momentarily.

"RANDY TRAVIS! YOU MOTHER-F*CKER!"

His mom's jaw hits the floor as she notices Stevie's forehead bulge in 2 places, just for a moment. Stevie kicks the dog across the room and it instantly grows to 20 times it's size, which is still sorta' small. "The name is Ranicore Travarn, Baal'Nezz. You should know that."

Indeed, Gary did. These two had been going at it for ages, which is dumb when neither can die. The battle went on for a while and I'll spare you the details. Just know that the entire block was destroyed, Ranicore ran away after a car instead of finishing the fight, and Gary put everything back to normal.

Except Stevie's mom. She couldn't remember what happened, but she knew something was off. She could still see something over her son. Something she didn't like. Whether it was an aura, or a vague memory of the horns starting to sprout, she didn't want him there, and she let him know it.

Stevie spent the rest of the day eating leftovers she sent with him anyway, and playing Super Street Fighter 4. Yelling at kids online. I think we all know that story, though.

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