Some people say that it's the most wonderful time of the year, but that's not the case for everyone, like my father who's currently serving time in prison for armed robbery of a Taco Cabana. For those of you who don't know about Taco Cabana, it's a popular Tex-Mex restaurant in the great state of Texas. My father loved going there just for the tortillas. My old man could put away an entire factory of them by himself. I prefer the Cabana Bowls, inside of a hard-shell bowl, but to each their own. I always tell my father during our visits that I won't eat Taco Cabana without him, but it's a lie. I eat it all of the time whenever I'm on the road with my girlfriend Angie. Please do not let him know this fact, it would crush him.

Speaking of Angie, I feel obligated to explain my actions for our last match against the other girls as far as my promo is concerned. The truth of the matter is that I fell into too deep with my approach to that match with my training method. The plan was to submerge myself into my father's approach to the dark side of the business. I told myself that in order to understand where my father went wrong, I must take a moment to follow in his footsteps into the unsavory shadows. My mentor in Calgary warned me not to use this strategy for a match of that magnitude, but I did it anyway for myself. I needed to understand what my father was going through, and sometimes you go against your mentor's advice in order to learn more about yourself.

That's why my plan then was to get blackout drunk with my new friends, Them No Good Bastards, in order to see my career through the lenses of John Madison Sr. Since I was a sober man at the time, I needed some no-good bastard guidance, so I turned to Them No Good Bastards. My production team recorded the events from that night for what was supposed to be my full-length promo for that week, but once I reviewed the footage, I was ashamed of myself and ended up cutting everything except for the small bits that you saw. I couldn't let Angie see what had become of me, so I cut out everything except the least bad part. I also told Them No Good Bastards that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES is anyone allowed see the footage of what took place on that drunken night. It's so important that I took the initiative to rig their house with explosives in case they go back on their word. If the videos leaks, then so will their black hearts when I flip the trigger. 

Onto 
the present...

The Opportunity to become Maddy Midcard belt

I learned that I have a title match against one of my greatest rivals Jessica Myst, aka "Jenny" Myst. I respect Jessica as a talent. Anyone who loses as consistently as her against the top stars and bottom stars, and everyone in between, is someone to admire. It takes a lot of courage to pick yourself up after so many disappointments. I know that's what I've been doing for the past two weeks even though I was victorious despite my hungover state. Jessica, I want you to know that I've picked myself up, just like you have many times, after that lackluster performance on my side. I hope that I've earned your respect as a fellow loser, or do I need several more years of failure like you?

You know, I wish I could give my spot away to someone who deserves it more, and that person is: Angelica Effing Vaugn, aka "AEV". I'm not going to sugar coat things and please pardon my language; AEV carried my @#! that night. Angelica deserves the opportunity more than me because A) She's a beautiful woman and B) She's my babe. I love hearing her angelic voice yell out, "tag me babe!" Those three words are more powerful to me than a packed Dallas Stadium chanting my name. Perhaps it's the only thing that kept me pushing through our match.

I hate to switch back to the topic of a lesser woman like Jenny Jessica Myst who's been around forever, and doesn't do anything, but we have business to get down to. I think it's crazy that she's been in the XWF for five years. That's a lot of time to devote to your craft and not have much to show for it. Her accomplishments seem kind of bleh for someone who's been around that long. I don't think some of these belts I'm looking at are even relevant today, and some reek of midcarder stench. For instance, I couldn't even find the Queen of the XWF listed anywhere in the title history. That tells me that the XWF is either sexist or nobody cares about what Jessica Myst is doing with her career. Midcarder titles are usually designated to those performers in the bottom 10 percentile which is the vibe I get from Myst. I'm sure she tries her hardest, and all the boys pat her on the back and tell her that she's a queen in order to lift her spirits. You know how emotional little girls get, except Angie. Angie is not like other girls and keeps her emotions in check.

I'm competing against her for the Xtreme title and I don't know why. I'm clearly in the midst of the greatest tag team run of all time with Angie V. Truthfully, I would feel bad about taking something away from Jessica Myst that's as precious to her as my partnership with Angie. She clearly needs every advantage she can get and that's what holding the X-treme Title affords you. I'd rather pat her on the butt and tell her, "go get'em tiger!" than take away her equalizer. Surely this is the run that amounts to something big, right? I could see her sliding under the rope and drilling Mark Flynn with the briefcase like Arya Stark stabbing the Night King with her little girl dagger. I then imagine she would stand tall over a defeated Mark Flynn with her Barbie doll sized shoe planted firmly over his chest. But that's just a fantasy, isn't it? It's tough molding fantasy into reality, in fact I have a personal story to tell about that later in this promo.

However, I will not be throwing this match. If that happened, my mentor would catch the next flight out of Calgary and stretch me in the middle of a Taco Cabana. You see, every match is a learning experience for me, win/lose/draw. My mentor in Calgary always taught me that quitters never win. So yes, I will be going into this match with the expectation of walking out with the girl belt. If it looks like I'm not trying, I'm probably just thinking about Angie in her skirt in that moment which is a habit that I'm trying to break. I can't help it, she's so beautiful and talented, but my mentor in Calgary always taught me to stay focused. He would then finish with, "work hard now so you can play with your Angie later." I find it remarkable to this day that my mentor in Calgary knew that I would eventually meet Angie, the love of my life. I wonder if he put in a good word for me and that's how we ended up as teammates. My mentor knows good talent when he sees it and Angie has it in spades. She's a goddess and a real queen. She deserves the title "Queen of the XWF" and to be honored in the record books. I would kneel for her, and anyone who doesn't; I'll kick them in the back of their knees!

Now about the match itself, I can't say that I'm impressed with what the booking committee has implemented in the rules and stipulations. Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge supporter of Christmas, Hanukkah, and all other winter holidays. I go and see Santa every year and the one thing I ask for is my crowning moment in the XWF. "Crowning" moment, that reminds me. I remember one Christmas eve when my father gifted me his King of the XWF crown that he cherished so much. That night, I ran around the house pretending that I was the King of the XWF and it scared Santa coming to the house from that point on. Even a man as magical as Santa Claus knows better than to enter the house of the King of the XWF without an invitation. He looked in and saw a young me posing on the kitchen counter with the King of the XWF crown and tucked his big red sack between his legs. Now I have a chance to make that fantasy a reality by beating Jessica Myst for control of the X-treme Title.

At that point, it's game time in a serious way. I'm not going to "Jessica Myst" the X-Treme Title by having it lead to a missed opportunity.

I'm going to make my father proud.

My mentor in Calgary proud. 

All the boys in the back will be proud to see the belt come off of a placeholder champion.

And finally, when it's all said and done, and I've got two belts hanging off of my muscular shoulders, I'm going to kick down Angie's door and make love to her on top of all the gold because I'm the man of the house and she's a sexy queen. Angie, we're going to need to install a perimeter fence if this happens because I'm going to have enemies trying to take me out left and right. 

I've even been looking up sexual positions on Google image search. For instance, I can't have Angie ride on top of me, or she might pass out from all the crazy sex and pin me by mistake. Giving oral sex is risky as well due to my vision being blocked. Same with something called "face sitting." Therefore, our best strategy would be doggy style, missionary position, or her giving me oral sex aka "a BJ." It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make as the X-Treme Champ!

I might even propose to Angie with the belt. I know it's early but like I said earlier, Angie deserves the opportunity, and I think me and Angie are soulmates. In fact, that's our tag team name: "The Soulmates." Write it down, and put it on shirts, caps, and cups! Me and Angie are going to bring romance and cutting-edge combat to professional wrestling, and no one can stop us!

Jessica/Jenny Myst, whatever the heck you call yourself, I'll see you on the monorail if you even meet the height requirements. Ahahaha! A height joke! I'm hilarious. Make sure to hide your green wrist band and wear really tall shoes, Jessica Myst! 

"Did you hear what I just said in my promo, Angie?"

I look back at Angie who's in the kitchen, not cooking you sexist weirdos, but extinguishing a fire in the oven. I "obvs" forgot to take the meatloaf out of the oven and now we'll have to eat some garbage Panda Express.

"Noooo, my meatloaf!"