The Bastards are notorious in many ways, one of which is their love language.

It's time to get sexy.

LOVE LANGUAGE

Club Bastard, somewhere on the roadside in rural Texas, the premier strip club in all wrestling. Seriously, when's the last time you cared about the Velvet Rabbit? It's the wee hours of the morning as they have closed up shop for the evening. We see Thunder Knuckles and Charlie Nickles in the main dancehall, TK sipping his umpteenth Bud Light, Charlie freebasing something, could be ass hairs for all we know. On either lap sits a stripper.

This is heaven.

Fucking right it is. Catching a nice buzz, hot sexy fucking women keeping us company.

How many did you bag tonight? I got busy in the coat check while I was digging through pockets for change with Matilda.

The girl on Charlie's lap slaps his chest and laughs. She finagles the glass contraption so the mouthpiece is on her lips. Charlie rolls his eyes.

Sure, I guess you can have some.

TK, eyes fixed on the boobs of the girl on his lap, responds.

The fuck are you smoking, anyhow?

The good stuff. Pure Flintstones vitamins.

Never heard of that goddamn strain.

Because it isn’t! I ground up a bottle of Flintstones vitamins. My high is ten million strong and growing!

Huh.

So how many?

Before TK can answer, the stripper puts a finger in his mouth, which he playfully bites. She speaks.

I've been taking care of Daddy Knuckles all night, Charlie, don't be silly!

She laughs and keeps eye contact with TK. TK holds up three fingers outside of her view as Charlie nods. Charlie looks up at the stripper on his lap.

Quit bogarting!

She slides the glass pipe in such a way that it's pointed back at Charlie, performing a French exhale with a slight cough at the end.

I think I yabba dabba do want another hit of this!

Charlie obliges himself, smoking more over-the-counter children's vitamins. He slowly exhales.

Where the fuck is Bobby?

Doing his thing.

How many girls do you think he hooked up with?

TK swipes his hand across the front of his neck, feebly trying to signal to Charlie this was not a question to ask, but it was too late. Both the strippers start laughing.

Bobby never even tries to hook up with any of us, he's either busy eating hot dogs or something. It's like he doesn't even have a pulse.

Seriously? Homeboy needs to get laid.

Bobby does alright for himself.

When's the last time you saw him with a woman.

The camera pans, and we see Bobby Bourbon walking into the room.

Guys, I got it! I know the perfect match stipulation for Savage! I've been thinking about it all week, and you know what? I think it's time for a Moose Lodge #655 match! Three ropes, a referee, four ring posts, a mat, a raised platform to put that mat on. Two men enter, and the bell rings. Then we are allowed to perform traditional wrestling holds and strikes, until one opponent, get this, is either pinned to the count of three, submits, or is disqualified for breaking the usual rules of wrestling!

Perfect.

That sounds like a regular match.

Sounds like? Sure. But, it's definitely a Moose Lodge #655 match!

Okay.

The girls giggle on TK and Charlie's laps.

Bobby, why don’t you join us? The rest of the girls are in the back, I'm sure they could use your company.

Bobby swiftly shakes his head.

No dice, I, uh, am busy with all sorts of shit, besides, we already have a pregnant dancer.

A pregnant woman, I mean very pregnant and showing, walks out in her g-string and poofy fur top.

I didn't do that.

I don’t think I did.

Regardless. It doesn't matter.

Yo, Bobby.

Yo, Charlie.

How come we never see you getting freaky deaky?

TK is too engaged in a stripper's chesticles to really do anything.

I fuck people up in the ring.

Yeah, but, you never go out and get involved in some crazy romance like Thad, who's the straightest arrow in wrestling. You don't even pay hookers like I do!

Well it's not really all that relevant, since I'm a bloodcrazed gladiator who beats the shit out of people, conquering realms and whatnot as the Bastard King, shit, I'm the reason they made not only the Game of Thrones prequel show, but Lord of the Rings too! The people don't care if I'm getting lucky, they care about the bodies I wreck, you know? Yeesh, give me a little credit, you never hear about Jason Voorhees making whoopie.

~~~~~

We see Club Bastard some few hours ago. A limo pulls up, and from within steps Jason Voorhees. You know it's him by the hockey mask. Other than that he's in a garish blue and gold checker print suit and matching hat, and two scantily clad women exit following him.

Alright, bitches, you know the deal, I get my cut for any johns you meet while here, and you better be using condoms.

The girls nod, subserviently, to the pimp that is Jason Voorhees, who sounds exactly as you'd expect; almost like he was voiced by Eddie Murphy.

~~~~~

Whatever, Bobby, we get it.

Good.

The strippers laugh. Bobby’s gaze narrows. As the Bastards return to their hanky panky, disregarding Bobby, Bobby shrugs and turns. As he does, his phone goes off.

Hello?

Bobby’s eyes widen.

Say no more. I'm on my way.

Bobby turns back to the Bastards.

Guys, you both need to see this. Bring the girls.

~~~~~

Hey fuckers!

Bobby is standing in a Golden Corral.

Bobby Bourbon here, official spokesperson for Golden Corral, the official eatatorium of the XWF. At Golden Corral, we've got the perfect time for your family when you're not together, watching me break bones, spill blood, or humiliate a woman on television by shaving her bald.

Bobby stands beside the famous Golden Corral chocolate fountain.

See this shit here? Usually fondue is for fancy people, but here, you can chocolate coat whatever you want!

A lady walks by, morbidly obese, but body shaming is bad so save your judgments. She takes a plate of fried chicken and runs it beneath.

That's right, if you thought fried chicken was good before, you haven't added the threat of diabetes.

The lady bites into her chocolate covered fried chicken, even snapping the bones and chewing them. She shuffles away, unaware that eating at the buffet line is a bit of a faux pas.

Also, you may have heard, but Golden Corral gets loud, and it's why I love it so much. I eat my weight in beef, then beat the shit out of a man with more health complications then your local hospital's intensive care unit! So what are you waiting for?

~~~~~

Charlie and TK are still sitting with strippers on their lap, however they're not in Club Bastard but rather in leather seats on a private jet. Theo Pryce walks into view.

I don't exactly know why Bobby brought you along.

Bastards stick together.

Hell yeah. Do you have any Flintstones vitamins on here?

Theo looks perplexed.

I, uh, may have some Centrum multivitimins somewhere.

Charlie's eyes go wide as he looks at the stripper on his lap.

Oh baby, Theo's a high roller, he keeps that good-good on his plane.

I get you Bastards stick together, but I'm a little curious why Bobby wanted you to bring your lady friends.

Our what?

He means the slam pieces, Charlie.

Whatever, where's Bobby?

Ah, he's getting ready. And please, avoid calling him Bobby, this is important. He didn't fill you in? I guess it doesn't matter. Look, we got an odd request from the city of San Diego that since they don't have an NFL team anymore, they wanted to know if we could provide some entertainment for the USO.

Is Bobby wrestling a fucking match before his match?

No, not at all. He considers it some light cardio, though.

Bobby steps out. He's dressed in snap pants and a star-spangled American Flag bowling shirt.

Alright, I am ready.

Excellent. We land in fifteen minutes.

I can't believe it took you five hours to get into those clothes.

It wasn't just the outfit, Charlie, it was the state of mind, it was the mantra I had to adapt.

Did you take all the Centrum?

I did not take any Centrum, I had to balance myself for this.

But Bobby…

Bobby holds a hand up, swiftly shaking his head.

Don’t call me Bobby. Please, until I finish, you can call me…

Bobby puts his hands on his hips.

Danny Sex.

Theo puts a hand on Bobby’s Danny's shoulder proudly.

Don’t touch.

The strippers on TK and Charlie's laps suddenly look far more intrigued in Danny Sex.

~~~~~

Petco Park, home of the San Diego Padres. The crowd within, packed to the brim full of veterans, all sit, waiting for the show to start. On the field, the San Diego Chicken is seen, along with the full roster of Lakers Girls. Theo is standing on the mound.

Alright, the XWF is here to thank you for your service, and let's get onto the show!



As Color Me Badd echoes throughout the stadium, Bobby Danny Sex boldly steps out of the bullpen, fists raised. You can hear every sploosh from every lady in the stadium, and respectful boners of admiration standing in rigid military salute from the men. Bobby makes his way to the mound as the Lakers Girls, dressed in Los Angeles Lakers shirts and tennis skirts, line up. Theo holds up a microphone for Bobby as he steps to the mound. Bobby Danny Sex rips off his snap pants, and we see his penis. It's moderate, but not offputting, reminding you of an old chum from back in the day. It's the penis you want to introduce to your parents and share a beer with.

Who’s ready for some sex?

The crowd, in admiration, applauds gently. Golf claps all around for the penis, which reminds you of your favorite comfort food.

Okay, folks, Bobby Danny has lined up the Lakers Girls and is going to bang them all, but first, ladies, do you consent.

Excitedly, the Lakers Girls, all twenty-one of them, respond in unison.

"We consent to the sex!"

Another respectful golf clap is heard throughout Petco Park. Theo holds the microphone up to Bobby’s Danny's mouth as he approaches the first Lakers Girl, already bent over.

I am penetrating the first Lakers Girl!

The Lakers Girl's eyes widen.

"I have been penetrated!"

Golf clap.

Can I pull your hair?

"Please don't, but I would like if you stuck a finger in my butt."

I am inserting my left pinky into her anus!

Golf clap.

Do you like this?

"I do. I am climaxing! I am climaxing! I have climaxed!"

A respectful round of applause is heard throughout the stadium as Bobby Danny Sex approaches the next Lakers Girl, who bends over in front of him.

I am having intercourse with all these women!

Theo waves toward the first base line, but things have definitely gone beyond second base by now. Three dozen women in uniform walk onto the field.

Let’s hear it for our servicewomen here to be serviced!

I’m performing coitus for America and to give back to the troops!

“He is, he’s performing coitus on me, he is inserted into me with his genitals.”

Can I pull your hair?

“No, that’s not my thing, but I understand your desire.”

It’s cool.

The women, representing all branches of the military, all line up to get boinked by Bobby Danny Sex. The strippers that were with TK and Charlie rush the field from out of nowhere and get to the mound.

Hey, Bobby, these girls weren’t a part of the promotion.

That’s okay, they’re here to cup my gonads, one gonad each. Two girls, one cup of my gonads.

“I am okay with this. I have climaxed!”

The Lakers Girl trots away, fulfilled. The next lined up, and the gentle, revered applause of the all military crowd takes us as we fade to black.

~~~~~

Bobby, I can’t believe you took my girl.

I didn’t, it was my inescapable masculine musk. I mean, she wanted to touch my balls more than anything you have.

That’s fair.

You didn’t fucking talk about Marf.

Please. I lined up professional cheerleaders and fucked them, then moved on to our women in the military, and they were fit. Tastefully. Marf is a dog fucker.

Damn, Bobby.

Please, it's Danny Sex.

Bobby gets up from his seat in the showroom of Club Bastard. He starts to walk towards a hall, as he does, all the strippers start to follow him. Even the pregnant woman, pregnant women get horny too.

Give me an hour, let me finish, and then you can call me Bobby.[/color][/color]